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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 24/08/2021 11:13

He sounds useless but that bar sounds like an absolute rip off.

mswales · 24/08/2021 11:13

@crazymicrowave123

Thanks for the advice, I do feel guilty but don't know how to let him down gently or what to even say. I don't care that he doesn't have much money or has jobs that don't pay as much as me, but it's more the dishonesty and the fact that he couldn't afford the place he invited me to! I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not! :(
I would say pretty much what you've said here. Make clear that you don't care at all if someone doesn't have much money but you do care about honesty and good communication. If he'd have just talked honestly with you it all could have been okay. If he feels too embarrassed to be open with you then the relationship won't work. I would say something along those lines.
SilverTimpani · 24/08/2021 11:15

Yanbu - he shouldn’t be inviting you to places he can’t afford to pay for, it’s cheeky AF.

Branleuse · 24/08/2021 11:18

im not excusing it. I think its fine to want to go out with someone who can afford to actually pay for stuff, but also you dont always need to look for the worst reason for someones behaviour. You can dump someone for whatever reason you like. He has behaved poorly about it, but id definitely assume that the reason was that he was trying to pretend he wasnt poor to get dates. It isnt ok. I get that its embarrassing when you cant afford anything and he feels ashamed, but instead of owning it or looking for partners who have same lifestyle and expectations, hes trying to impress someone with more than him and hes fucked up and playing games.
Id ghost him, but I wouldnt assume hes terrible and all those things said here either

Ponoka7 · 24/08/2021 11:19

"Cheap dates" only work when you are a teenager, it's ridiculous when you are an adult."

I don't fully agree with that. But generally you have to share a hobby, like walking or cycling to make it properly work. If he has two jobs then there's something going on behind the scenes. He's paying for something, somewhere. It could be that he's propping up his family. Or he's got a child/children. Or has other expensive hobbies.
He's invited you out on the basis that you'd pay, that isn't ok. It's an odd date to go on if he's driving.

QueenHofScotland · 24/08/2021 11:21

I find it strange that he lives at home, has two jobs and still couldn’t cover £18 in his debit card. You don’t go to a night out that you planned with no money. He was clearly expecting you to pay.

You could have gone to the pub and had a cheap meal and a few drinks for £20 each.

Seems bizarre.

Either way you don’t sound very compatible. I would just say you don’t think it’s working out. You don’t need to elaborate.

Dogoodfeelgood · 24/08/2021 11:22

@Branleuse you are right, it’s never good to assume the worst because really most often people are acting with good intentions. He is probably embarrassed and probably didn’t know about the club entry and that might have eaten into his date budget, or he’s so bad with money that between planning the date and the date he spent too much. Doesn’t necessarily mean he had “free loading” intent but does mean he’s not dating material for the OP at this time in his life unfortunately.

jay55 · 24/08/2021 11:22

He's a dick for suggesting a place he couldn't afford and expecting you to pay.
He could have suggested a chain pub with 2-4-1 cocktails or something within his means that was more than a free walk in the park.

Move on, best of luck with the next one.

Dogoodfeelgood · 24/08/2021 11:23

OP just use the time old excuse that you’ve got back with your old boyfriend Wink

ElizaDoolots · 24/08/2021 11:24

I’m not sure either of you is being unreasonable, but you do sound incompatible.

Sounds like he really doesn’t have a lot of money and has been trying to suggest cheap/free dates, but you have other preferences. Sounds like he’s maybe trying to impress you or keep up with you but really doesn’t have the means to do so.

I think you need to either adjust your expectations about the things you do together, accept that you’ll need to pay for things if he cant, or find someone more financially secure.

Ambition is important to me, so I couldn’t be with someone who is happy living with their parents and not being able to afford to do nice things. My husband was on a low income when we met and I did need to pay for more things, but he has always been studying and working hard towards a good career and it’s now paying off, so I didn’t mind it. I wouldn’t have wanted to be with someone that I had to support financially forever though.

gamerchick · 24/08/2021 11:27

@BillMasen

There can be a lot of pressure on men, especially when dating, to show they are successful, can pay, can “provide”. It can lead to situations like this where he feels he can’t admit to the failing that is “not being rich enough”

Yeah he should have been straight, but I can see why he was fearful to be. A poor man can immediately be labelled a failure, a cheapskate, lazy, a user. It’s happening on this thread too.

Anyone who invited somewhere expensive, knowing they can't afford to pay for themselves and expecting that other person to pay IS a freeloader. What on earth would you call it? Hmm
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 24/08/2021 11:29

I'd be like you OP, it would be the lying and dishonesty I couldn't deal with. And I'd tell him so when dumping him too, so he's under no illusions this is nothing to do with his earning power or his job, it's how disingenuous he is. I'd tell him I don't appreciate being lied to, and leave it at that.

Amammi · 24/08/2021 11:32

I wonder did he know someone who does the security at the club and thought he could get you both in for free? He probably panicked when they weren’t there that night.

He sounds like a miser rather than poor tbh. It’s no problem having inexpensive dates but he set you up to pay for most of your joint night out. For me the issue would be more about him being happy to sponge off me than him not having any funds.

FinallyFluid · 24/08/2021 11:32

It is either going up his nose, or in his arm.

Fiddliestofsticks · 24/08/2021 11:35

@crazymicrowave123

Thanks for the advice, I do feel guilty but don't know how to let him down gently or what to even say. I don't care that he doesn't have much money or has jobs that don't pay as much as me, but it's more the dishonesty and the fact that he couldn't afford the place he invited me to! I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not! :(
Just say this. Its honest. You dont owe him anything else.
3Br1tnee · 24/08/2021 11:36

I wouldn't go out again with someone that expected me to stand in a bar/club without a drink. I'm prepared to do rounds, but this sounds awful and embarrassing. I wouldn't see him again.

Eviethyme · 24/08/2021 11:44

Honestly just tell him you arnt compatible. He shouldn't have taken you to an expensive club if he couldn't afford it

jb7445 · 24/08/2021 11:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Namechange1million · 24/08/2021 11:49

It doesn't make sense how he has no money considering he still lives with his parents. He's either a gambler or super tight. Even not earning much he should have some money considering he has no rent to pay.

Either of these situations isn't worth continuing to date him. I'd walk away

Hummingbird1950 · 24/08/2021 11:49

Why do you think you need to let him down gently? He's treated you badly. I'd either ghost him or a short text saying you don't date liars or spongers, he is both.

I agree with others, the money is going somewhere. If he's living with family and earning equivalent to full time minimum wage that's enough to go out at least weekly with someone (though I guess he has friends he wants to go out with too), although it would require budgeting eg no take aways, cheap/no car, cheap clothes, very little alcohol, one cheap last minute holiday per year and not going on dates that are too expensive eg that club. I'd guess he doesn't want to give up those things, has take aways whenever he feels like it, drinks or smokes, wears half decent clothes, drives a car on finance, puts holidays on credit card then struggles to pay it off because of the interest. If he lives like that on low income in a big city he's going to be permanently broke.

judgejudyrocks · 24/08/2021 11:52

Head of Security at a Police Station isn't even a thing!

Rannva · 24/08/2021 11:54

He lied about his rubbish job and doesn't appear to have any ambitions for a better one? He's just looking for someone to play mummy and pay his way.

Rannva · 24/08/2021 11:55

Although as said, if he really has a job he should still have money living at his parents. He's just tight.

HarrietOh · 24/08/2021 11:55

The lying is poor behaviour from him and I would end it on that.

When I was dating I experienced a few guys who didn't have much money. I didn't think it would bother me, and so didn't think much of it at first, but I realised long term it wouldn't work because of the big mismatch. I wanted to do things, go places etc. but they couldn't afford it.

RedToothBrush · 24/08/2021 11:56

@Branleuse

Hes poor and hes embarrassed about it but still likes you. Hes trying to go on dates with you and hes a working man, but honestly, I think youd prefer someone that was a bit more financially secure with a better paid job and more ambition. This is ok. Being poor forever isnt a fun way to live. Hes also being weird about it, maybe due to embarrassment, but as you say, it is kind of slipping into dishonesty and thats not cool. Id move on
Being poor isn't an excuse to lie and expect others to pay Being embarassed isn't an excuse to lie and expect others to pay If you like someone you don't lie and expect them to pay, because you respect them and you hope they mutually respect you for who you are even if you are poor.

He's a tosser with a problem in budgeting. Earning £27k a year living with your parents is not a life of poverty...