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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 24/08/2021 10:50

There can be a lot of pressure on men, especially when dating, to show they are successful, can pay, can “provide”. It can lead to situations like this where he feels he can’t admit to the failing that is “not being rich enough”

Yeah he should have been straight, but I can see why he was fearful to be. A poor man can immediately be labelled a failure, a cheapskate, lazy, a user. It’s happening on this thread too.

Jemand · 24/08/2021 10:52

The original lie about his occupation would put me off on its own, and I still don't understand why he never has any money if he has two part time jobs and is living with his family.

You could try talking to him and saying that, apart from special occasions, really there is no reason why you shouldn't each be paying your way - and insist that that is what happens. But I suspect that will lead to the end of the relationship anyway, so it's probably better to cut your losses now.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:53

@Doomscrolling

He’s not in your economic class. If he wants to spend time with you doing free things to keep within his means I wouldn’t call him a freeloader. The guy’s working two jobs.

However, you want to do the things you can afford. That’s totally normal and fine, but it means you are incompatible.

If he doesn’t have the money it’s a little unkind of you to try shame him into it - a £40 entry fee is beyond his means and he’s clearly embarrassed.

Go your separate ways.

@Doomscrolling he picked the club and told me he'd been there before and we met outside. The entry was £40 for us both so £20 each. I had never been before so assumed he knew the prices or what it was like.
OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 24/08/2021 10:54

@BillMasen he has two jobs and can't even afford to pay his own way. Something is very wrong here. He is not being labelled a failure for being poor, but for lying and seeming to have budgeting issues too.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:55

@Fiddliestofsticks

Well since he was drivin, he shouldn't have been drinking. So he would only need to buy soft drinks, which shouldn't have been that expensive. You shouldn't have been buying him shots or anything as he was driving.

That aside, its ridiculous that he invited you to an expensive club when he knew he only had around £20 on his card. That just shows that he expected you to pay for everything for a night he planned and invited you to. Even if he had just got you a couple of drinks, himself a soft drink and paid the entry, that would have been fine. But he just expected you to pay.

You need to leave him. He drink drives and he os a free loader. Why would you see him again?

@Fiddliestofsticks One shot for the whole evening doesn't really class as drink driving? He wasn't planning to drink more than that anyway, but he didn't even want to buy a soft drink for himself later on in the evening being that he couldn't afford it.
OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 24/08/2021 10:57

Different salary brackets can be difficult when you are dating and also in a relationship.

But in this case, it’s the least of your worries.

He lied about his job.
He lied (apparently) about having been to the club before.
He ‘forgot’ his card to get you to pay for the club entry.
He left you with his card which he knew would be declined.

He lies and behaves in a deceptive manner. He is not someone who is worth your time.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/08/2021 10:58

Not having a lot of money wouldn't bother me, I've been there.

Lying about his job, that's a red flag.

Unless he is supporting his family he should have some money for dating. Does he gamble, have lots debts?

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:58

@BillMasen

There can be a lot of pressure on men, especially when dating, to show they are successful, can pay, can “provide”. It can lead to situations like this where he feels he can’t admit to the failing that is “not being rich enough”

Yeah he should have been straight, but I can see why he was fearful to be. A poor man can immediately be labelled a failure, a cheapskate, lazy, a user. It’s happening on this thread too.

@BillMasen I don't care if a guy doesn't earn as much as me, but to expect me to pay for everything and come up with lies about not having his card on him or knowing his card would decline is dodgy imo. I would have preferred him be honest and we could have gone on a cheap date to say pizza hut or something and just hung out instead.. He chose to invite me to this club/bar and told me to meet him there. I had never been before or knew the prices. I don't expect him to pay for everything but if I buy expensive drinks for us, he could at least buy a soft drink or something later on in the evening to try and make some effort!
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/08/2021 10:59

I wonder what he spends his money on?

He really saw you coming, didn't he? This sounds as though his life is based on other people paying for things - I'd be amazed if he paid his parents full rent.

There's another thread on here about whether posters would judge a 28 year old for living at home - if he's like this guy then yes!

Dsisproblem · 24/08/2021 10:59

I don't think he's the one. Cut your losses.

BillMasen · 24/08/2021 10:59

Don’t disagree, just explaining possible motivations/reasons for feeling he had to lie

Dogoodfeelgood · 24/08/2021 11:00

Unfortunately he’ll need to adjust his lifestyle before he is in a position to date, that’s just how it is. Definitely call it a day. Dating is much more fun when you get taken to lovely places and you’re only young once.

readingismycardio · 24/08/2021 11:02

@Dogoodfeelgood

Unfortunately he’ll need to adjust his lifestyle before he is in a position to date, that’s just how it is. Definitely call it a day. Dating is much more fun when you get taken to lovely places and you’re only young once.
This exactly! I don't mean to sound entitled, I never wanted a man to support me, but definitely one to be able to support himself! Besides that, he's a liar, he told you he's in a much better position than he actually is, probably because he's frustrated. RUN for the hills!
Branleuse · 24/08/2021 11:02

Hes poor and hes embarrassed about it but still likes you. Hes trying to go on dates with you and hes a working man, but honestly, I think youd prefer someone that was a bit more financially secure with a better paid job and more ambition. This is ok. Being poor forever isnt a fun way to live. Hes also being weird about it, maybe due to embarrassment, but as you say, it is kind of slipping into dishonesty and thats not cool.
Id move on

shapes1 · 24/08/2021 11:03

He sounds like a tight wad user. Ditch

Dogoodfeelgood · 24/08/2021 11:06

And of course money shouldn’t matter, but you also have to ask yourself why you’re dating. Are you looking for an eventual life partner? There has to be some sort of screening to ensure that your partner will be able to partner with you to support you and your potential future family if things progressed that way. If he was upfront and honest about his job and current low income but his future plans for promotion etc then that’s one thing, we all have to start somewhere, but all the lies and weird behaviour are massive red flags to me.

Amdone123 · 24/08/2021 11:06

I'd love to know where his money goes, too. But I wouldn't hang around to find out. It's not the being skint that bothers me, but the lies he's told. When I met my dh, I was a full time student, he was in between jobs trying to find his way. We had nothing, nada. We laugh about those days now, and say we lived on love and fresh air ! He's simply not the one for you. And as you said, op, you're ok going somewhere cheap or just hanging out, what is he trying to prove by going to some fancy place?

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 11:07

Thanks for the advice, I do feel guilty but don't know how to let him down gently or what to even say. I don't care that he doesn't have much money or has jobs that don't pay as much as me, but it's more the dishonesty and the fact that he couldn't afford the place he invited me to! I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not! :(

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/08/2021 11:08

He's a freeloader. I'd dump him if I were you.

Being skint is not really a problem. There are lots of cheap or free ways to spend time together. I wouldn't think less of a man for simply not having money.
But this guy? He's got his eyes on your purse and that is not ok. (Neither would it be if he was a woman. It's not ok to expect your date to pay everything. It's just not.)

shapes1 · 24/08/2021 11:09

Just say sorry I don't think we are compatible and leave it at that

Sloth66 · 24/08/2021 11:09

I’d say he’s a cocklodger in waiting. Beware.

ExplodingCarrots · 24/08/2021 11:10

'Hi , sorry this isn't going to work out for me. I don't think we're compatible. Take Care '
That's it.

Quick99 · 24/08/2021 11:10

Get rid and quickly.
One shot whilst driving is one shot too many imo also op.

BeauxRingarde · 24/08/2021 11:12

@Branleuse

Hes poor and hes embarrassed about it but still likes you. Hes trying to go on dates with you and hes a working man, but honestly, I think youd prefer someone that was a bit more financially secure with a better paid job and more ambition. This is ok. Being poor forever isnt a fun way to live. Hes also being weird about it, maybe due to embarrassment, but as you say, it is kind of slipping into dishonesty and thats not cool. Id move on
You're excusing poor behaviour. It's not that she would prefer someone with a better job, it's that she would prefer someone who is not a liar, a cheat, and a freeloader. He picked the club and then turned up without his card, expecting her to pay. He let her buy drinks, knowing he couldn't afford to by the next ones. He gave her his card, knowing it would be declined so she would have to pay. He spent the whole evening complaining about paying for his own entry, even though he picked the place. He's not some poor underpaid soul who was trying to impress her, fgs!
isthisareverse · 24/08/2021 11:12

I could never be with someone who can't at least pay for himself. It's not fun, but more importantly, what future do you have?

I enjoy having a life, going on holiday, not crying over every penny. "Cheap dates" only work when you are a teenager, it's ridiculous when you are an adult.

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