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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 24/08/2021 13:39

You say in one breath that you don't mind that he can't afford things but in the other breath you say it's off putting because you can't go anywhere unless you pay. It's obvious he had no idea he would have to pay £40 just for you both to get in and then £18 for drinks on top - who would?? You obviously have a problem with him not having much money and he's not done himself any favours by trying to impress you with ridiculous lies about his job so it's definitely best to end it.

mancarose · 24/08/2021 13:40

My partner works in security and I'm just letting you know the pay dates are always all over the place, as bosses have to wait for invoices to be paid ect, he probably thought he was going to be paid for the date but wasn't paid in time which often happens. I would just sit down with him and explain how you're feeling and see what he says.

FinallyHere · 24/08/2021 13:40

He doesn't sound great, does he.

In your shoes, I would start with a one strike snd you are out approach. Lied about his job, ok , throw him back

It's a way to test your boundaries. It you start make it very clear that you don't condone lies by dropping anyone who lies, then you will find that the people you spend your time with will be much nicer, more decent people.

Why put up with that stuff? It never does get better.

OrchestraOfWankery · 24/08/2021 13:40

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

The lad is skint and trying to keep up with you, not everyone lives in Mumsnet world and can afford to splash the cash.
The lad offered OP a good night out - as long as it was at her expense.
sloutside · 24/08/2021 13:53

You say in one breath that you don't mind that he can't afford things but in the other breath you say it's off putting because you can't go anywhere unless you pay. It's obvious he had no idea he would have to pay £40 just for you both to get in and then £18 for drinks on top - who would??

If he really had no idea the club was that expensive to get in he should have said when they got there that it was too expensive instead of making up some bullshit about forgetting his card etc.
Made a joke of it - bloody hell, that's really expensive, can we go somewhere cheaper instead, do you know anywhere?
But no, he tried to get OP to pay for both of them.

couchparsnip · 24/08/2021 13:55

You don't owe him an explanation. He's lied to you on several occasions.

Just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you and you want to end it.
If he presses it you can say you just don't think he's the right man for you or you're not compatible. No need to elaborate.
Just do it by phone and then hang up.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 13:57

@Dreaming777

Could he of blocked his card temporarily in the toilet and had more in his account ?
@Dreaming777 if he did that I'd be even more upset thats so embarrasing!
OP posts:
onlymyselftoanswerto1 · 24/08/2021 13:59

Throw this one back op

GetMeOut22 · 24/08/2021 14:01

Just say it's not working and you don't see a future for you together. No need to get into detailed explanations or blaming etc. Then block him so he cannot pester you. You've been dating for 2 months, you woe him nothing and he owes you nothing.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 24/08/2021 14:02

I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not!

Well he felt ripped off and hard done by at the club. (Because he had to pay for a drink when he hadn't expected to.) So, neither of you enjoyed it.

Left his bank card in the car deliberately ? Gah !

Also, agree with a pp 'Head of Security' in a Police Station does not bear close scrutiny. A nick full of coppers do not need looking after ! Yes, I understand there is a lot of civilians working for the / in the Police, but, really ?

It sounds like quite a juvenile thing to say.

He doesn't want to be judged for his financial position but he has no problem being dishonest and lying ?

Also, with a side order of 'poor me' um literally in his case ?

Get rid. He may have already started with the digs such as, 'you're doing, alright, aren't you ?' Or nick naming you, 'Miss Money Bags.'

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 14:03

@sloutside

You say in one breath that you don't mind that he can't afford things but in the other breath you say it's off putting because you can't go anywhere unless you pay. It's obvious he had no idea he would have to pay £40 just for you both to get in and then £18 for drinks on top - who would??

If he really had no idea the club was that expensive to get in he should have said when they got there that it was too expensive instead of making up some bullshit about forgetting his card etc.
Made a joke of it - bloody hell, that's really expensive, can we go somewhere cheaper instead, do you know anywhere?
But no, he tried to get OP to pay for both of them.

Exactly it! :( @sloutside @Tal45 I wasn't even expecting him to pay for both of our entry, I even offered to send him my share of the cash so we could pay on one card, but then he weirdly said he forgot his card and asked if I could pay for us BOTH. That's not on! Once he paid for himself (going off pretending to be getting his card from his car) he spent all evening complaining about the price even though I paid for my own and just accepted it. I wish he'd just asked if we could go somewhere else or that his finances weren't up to it. I was the one who paid the £18 for the shots. It is extortionate I agree, but put it down to the club being in a very popular nice part of central London and a once in a blue moon treat. Even if he had asked to get mocktails or a non alcoholic beverage for cheaper I wouldn't have minded too much! But it seemed like he wanted a free night on my expense. I appreciate honesty I don't care about financial status or earnings.
OP posts:
MouseholeCat · 24/08/2021 14:05

Ditch him for his dishonesty. It's a red flag that he lied about his job and would pick somewhere that he clearly cannot afford for a date, it's also really bad that he's deflected and been so evasive when it comes to needing to pay.

If he lives at home I'd also be worried about where his money is going. Even when I was starting out and paid £18k and in a house share (in London!) I wasn't ever in a place where my card would be declined.

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 14:05

@ToffeeNotCoffee He only paid for his own entry which was £20, he didn't pay for anything else after. I paid for my own entry and the drinks which cost £18. After his card declined when buying more drinks later (say around £16) that's when I was totally turned off and chose to go home!

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 24/08/2021 14:06

When I met dh I didn't mind paying fir days or nights out when he was skint as he would repay the favour the next time.

But constantly expecting me to pay? No he'd have been gone after the 2nd time.

This guy is a freeloader.

I had a friend who would pay for all my drinks on a day out for a football if I had no money as he wanted me there, however I always made sure I had a tenner on me to buy the first round. I had just moved into a flat alone and had a new job etc.

blueberrywaffle · 24/08/2021 14:06

RUN!!!!!
He wants a free ride at your expense

cleckheatonwanderer · 24/08/2021 14:10

Forget about this one OP, not worth it

ToffeeNotCoffee · 24/08/2021 14:11

OK, thanks.

He picked the club because he wanted to go there as long as you paid for everything. Even leaving his bank card in the car - cheeky fucker.

A woman pulling a stunt like that would be called a gold digger.

OP go and find someone who is a lot more grown up when it comes to money, to relationships, to, well, everything really.

NewPapaGuinea · 24/08/2021 14:11

This relationship is DOA. Finish it now before wasting anymore time and money.

Milkandhoney888 · 24/08/2021 14:12

Oh god no, i very briefly dated someone like this and never again. My now partner doesn't earn a huge amount, but we both put money aside and do weekends away, or nice trip's out. Surely he would have been able to have put some money aside for a night out, especially if he lives at home

mstroutpout · 24/08/2021 14:15

I'm not working at the moment and I'm choosing not to date until I am. I don't think someone should be actively dating if they have nothing to bring to the table in that sense.

SmokeyDevil · 24/08/2021 14:18

He lied on his jobs. He will lie on more things. If they lie at the beginning, give up, it's not worth it. He isn't worth it.

CirqueDeMorgue · 24/08/2021 14:21

@rainbowstardrops

Is he studying right now in the hope of improving his current situation or anything? If not, I think I'd just tell him it isn't working. If he's happy to plod on with two part time jobs and living at home, I don't think things will ever improve.
Why do you think studying would improve his current situation? It costs money and requires time. 😂 You're in la la land.
CirqueDeMorgue · 24/08/2021 14:22

Also, £18 for 2 shots is a joke.

Whatinthelord · 24/08/2021 14:23

There’s a difference between someone struggling financially and the someone. Struggling financially, lying about their job and the inviting someone else out then expecting them to pay.

The lie would be enough to put me off. I do t care how rich or poor someone is and in fact I’d like someone who didn’t always want to do stuff that costs money. I’d really hate for a relationship to start with a lie though…it’s not a good sign.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/08/2021 14:23

Seriously, OP, you are over-thinking this one.

You aren't compatible for all sorts of reasons.

The fact you had to ask strangers if his behaviour was good or bad makes you sound a little as if you could be too tolerant, or simply afraid of ditching a man.

I think he expects to be dumped if this is behaviour.