Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He never has any money!!! AIBU?

278 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 10:23

So I have been dating a guy for about over 2 months now, and I've started to realise that he never has any money. I have a decent salary (say around 27k a year) and it's hard for us to be able to go out anywhere with him not earning even near what I earn (which in my opinion isn't even that high), because he never has any money.

He asks that we go on cheap or free dates like the park or for a walk (he is 27 and lives with his family still), and it's quite off putting because unless I pay for everything, we can't go out anywhere. He cancelled a date a two weeks ago as he didn't get paid enough and couldn't afford to visit me so he decided to make it up to me by inviting me to a really nice club/bar in central this past weekend.

When we got there the entry was £40 for both of us, and he then claimed he left is card in his car and asked if I could pay. Fed up with paying for everything I told him I'd wait whilst he got his card, he awkwardly looked at me then went to go get it. Fed up with waiting I paid for my own entry and went in.

He spent most of the night complaining about the cost of his entry which was £20 which I also had to pay without complaining. Then once in the club I paid for 2 shots for us both which was quite expensive for me costing £18 but I decided not to be too bothered and I assumed he'd maybe buy us a drink later.

Later in the evening told him I was thirsty and he didn't even offer to pay for anything. So I went to buy more drinks myself and then he suddenly offers to pay feeling guilty I guess, but as soon as he sees the price on the machine, gives me his card and tells me to tap the contactless whilst he uses the toilet. However his card declines. And looking back I'm 100% he knew it would. I was so embarrassed that I found him, explained his card declined and watched him pretend to be shocked. I was very turned off by his behaviour so I made up a tummy bug story and went home.

He messaged me asking if everything was ok and whether I got home alright, but I haven't replied since. I don't know whether I should let him down gently or if I am B U and that I am just expecting too much?

Just to add, I have no issues with him not being able to afford the night I just didn't appreciate that he invited me to this particular club knowing the prices and then seemed to expect me to pay for everything giving me thin excuses.

OP posts:
Reiningitin · 24/08/2021 12:02

But it's the op who earns 27k, we don't know what he earns

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/08/2021 12:03

If he lives at home with family and has no money at all, what does he do?

That's what I wondered, but it hardly matters ... it's the deceit which would do it for me, and without doubt he's starting as he means to go on

No need to make it complicated about what to say, OP; just text him with something short like "It's not working for me" and then block

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/08/2021 12:05

Also what makes you think "his club" is a place he's been before?

Unless he clearly knew the place it's possible he's never been, because he couldn't find anyone else prepared to pay his entrance ...

Livpool · 24/08/2021 12:05

I don't think it is the not really working a 'proper' job or having no money it is the freeloading. If he was honest with you then you could plan things within his budget or else you could decide not to go out with him.

I'd end things as it won't go anywhere and you will (unsurprisingly) end up resenting him as you'll either have to pay for everything or you will miss out on things

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/08/2021 12:08

He’s tight. There’s nothing worse than a tight man, unless he’s vain as well. I’d give him the old heave-ho.

RosiePosieDozy · 24/08/2021 12:09

End it. You're not having a good time with him. I don't really understand how he can have no money when he's working and living with his parents, even if he's paying them board. He may be a gambler.

There are lots of people who meet someone who has debts/no money and they have long and happy relationships. Usually in these situations the person in the poor financial situation is trying to make things better. This man doesn't seem like he's trying. Seems like he's freeloading and trying to lie about his situation rather than do anything about it. Time to move on.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 24/08/2021 12:14

@crazymicrowave123

Thanks for the advice, I do feel guilty but don't know how to let him down gently or what to even say. I don't care that he doesn't have much money or has jobs that don't pay as much as me, but it's more the dishonesty and the fact that he couldn't afford the place he invited me to! I feel a bit mean and snobby, but really am not! :(
OP it's not being mean at all - he's OK with lying to you and expecting you to pay for a date waaaay beyond his means - he couldn't even go halves.

There is a big difference in mine and my bf's salaries - when I choose somewhere to go out it's within my means (which can be very creative sometimes, but there are lots of things to do on a budget), when he chooses its with the understanding that I'm not expected to bankrupt myself or he offers to pay the lions share of the bill.

Cocklodger territory. Get rid. Nothing to do with him still living with parents or two p/t jobs.

Dbank · 24/08/2021 12:15

While I know it can disappointing to have to end a relationship, and you may hope his situation will improve, it probably won't.
He sounds like a classic case of "failed to launch".

In short, move on and good luck!

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 12:17

@judgejudyrocks

Head of Security at a Police Station isn't even a thing!
@judgejudyrocks this comment made me genuinley laugh put loud, if that's the case I just feel even more silly ahah.
OP posts:
BillMasen · 24/08/2021 12:17

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

He’s tight. There’s nothing worse than a tight man, unless he’s vain as well. I’d give him the old heave-ho.
He’s skint and feels under pressure to live up to expectations. He shouldn’t, but I understand why he does.

You really feel there’s nothing worse than a tight man? How do you define tight?

Original poster
crazymicrowave123 · 24/08/2021 12:18

genuinely*

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/08/2021 12:20

@judgejudyrocks

Head of Security at a Police Station isn't even a thing!
Exactly! It’s such an obviously daft lie! Why would the police need a Head of Security? They’re the police! I don’t think you need to mention money at all when dumping him. Just say that you don’t feel he is consistently honest and straightforward with you.
Lonelylooloo · 24/08/2021 12:27

Urgh I’m sorry but I would be cringing. This is definite ‘ick’ territory when dating.

You do not have to earn the earth in order to successfully date, I personally value ambition and passion over material objects but that being said you do have to be able to sustain and decent level of independent adult life. A roof over your head, bills, transport and a basic social life.

The whole point of dating is to find a partner to build a life with which you can’t do when someone lives at home and has no money. They’re not adults they’re stuck in the ‘teenage’ stage of life.

BruceAndNosh · 24/08/2021 12:28

He hasn't any money as he spends it inappropriately .
If you're broke, you don't go to a club where the entry fee is £20 and a shot is £9. You go to a nice pub instead.

Amdone123 · 24/08/2021 12:28

@crazymicrowave123, don't feel silly. We've all had our moments taken in by someone lying. My sisters still tease me about the time I was raving about a bloke I'd met in a club. What's his name? they asked. Danny Zuko I said !! Hmm

BessMarvin · 24/08/2021 12:30

If a relationship isn't even fun at the start, it's not really going to get better

LittleMysSister · 24/08/2021 12:32

All the lying would worry me more than the finances tbh.

I don't understand why he'd invite you to a bar when he was intending to swerve paying the entrance fee and didn't even want to have a drink once inside? Were you both just sitting in the bar after one shot with no drink, until you finally went up to get another?! Did he think you could both just sit in a bar not even having a drink for a date?!!

I would text him back and say "Sorry for radio silence, but tbh our last date made me a bit uncomfortable. If you are having some money troubles at the mo that's fine, but I wish you had told me as I would have preferred not to go to the club and gone somewhere cheaper."

Only if you actually like him and want to continue seeing him though. If you're not bothered I probably just wouldn't reply.

Gonnagetgoing · 24/08/2021 12:32

This. Is he trying to impress you or something or wants you to pay in the club?

mstroutpout · 24/08/2021 12:32

He sounds exactly like my DD's dad. He was like this from the word go and 16 years later I'm battling to get a penny out of him in maintenance money.

They don't change. Get out while you can

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 24/08/2021 12:33

I'm going to go a little against the grain here and say although you're well within your rights to find it annoying and dump him, I don't think he's a complete "freeloader". He's tried telling you that he can only do cheap dates as he doesn't earn anywhere near the modest amount you do. He might live with his parents with 2 jobs but we don't necessarily know anything about his financial commitments (debt, loans, payments?). Also security guard and deliveroo driver can often be zero hours, very ad hoc jobs and so some weeks he might earn very little (as in the case where he had to cancel a date).

He might legitimately not known about the club entry fee and that might have completely messed up his budget meaning his card was declined (I mean he shouldn't spend his last money on a fancy date, but still ...). I agree the lying and wallet "forgetting" tactics are wrong but it sounds like he's really embarrassed and trying to take you out on dates that you're accustomed to but he can't afford.

I also think that at this early stage the stress isn't worth it so yeah, just dump him and say you're not into it anymore 🤷‍♀️

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 24/08/2021 12:38

Run a mile. The issue isn't that he's skint - that would be understandable. It's the game playing and tricking/guilting you into paying for stuff. He's a complete freeloader.

A skint man who wants to spend time with you could invite you out for a cheap picnic, or surprise you with a free/cheap activity. This guy wants to do expensive stuff, but with you picking up the tab. He won't improve.

Notimeforaname · 24/08/2021 12:41

He works and lives at home.

The money is going somewhere.

It's either drugs or gambling... or something! Or else he's just a mean free loader.

Yes men get embarrassed and are dumb sometimes but come on,he clearly feels entitled to things being paid for him. And lies.

Just text the man and tell him it's been nice but you're not feeling it anymore and would like to leave it there. Its the truth.

And if you dont want to say that just go with the classic ''I just have so much on at the moment/lots coming up and just dont have the time for dating/relationships''. .then press block.

PluggingAway · 24/08/2021 12:44

At this early stage you should be strolling through the park having exciting debates about world issues, and fucking all night with cheerful abandon. It really shouldn't be this hard.

He lied several times and put you in an awkward position. Just end it.

userxx · 24/08/2021 12:52

Ewwwwww, just no.

namechange7865 · 24/08/2021 12:55

So he lies, lives with family and can't manage his money? Thank you, next. As they say.