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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would a 28 year old living at home put you off?

280 replies

nales · 24/08/2021 08:22

Met this great guy. Has a good job etc, but still lives at home to save money for a house.

Would that put you off? What should I look out for ?

OP posts:
Hemingwaycat · 24/08/2021 09:28

He did live by himself at uni but jokes about taking washing home

I’m sure that wasn’t a joke but actually the truth and I bet she still does all of his washing now too. I’d definitely be put off by this, he sounds like a man child.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/08/2021 09:29

No

KarmaStar · 24/08/2021 09:29

Mums love doing stuff for their dc,whatever their ages.
Why would this put you off?if be more concerned about someone living in rented with no aspirations to try and save for their own home than someone living with a parent to save up a deposit.

ancientgran · 24/08/2021 09:29

All my kids came home for a while after uni, admittedly not till they were 28. I did the washing and cooking because I don't like other people in my kitchen so not cooking or doing laundry wouldn't strike me as odd. They all have their own houses now and all do housework/cooking.

NewlyGranny · 24/08/2021 09:30

"Man jobs" are the ones that can be ignored for days or even weeks. Either that or they're ones that need toilet duck and a stiff brush.

"Woman jobs" are the time-sensitive ones that have to be done or everything falls apart in moments.

I'd be wary of this one. You can't really ask how much he's saved, but you could ask if his mum charges him board. If not, he may have no grasp whatever of budgeting or what anything costs. And if you get together it will always have to be at yours, though that might be an opportunity to see whether he washes his own coffee cup (and offers to wash yours) or just walks away from it. That will tell you.

If housework is invisible to him, wait until he's lived alone for a year or so and you can tell how grown up he actually is. Better yet, find someone already at that stage or, if living at home, pulling their weight.

Notjustanymum · 24/08/2021 09:30

It depends where in the country he is. If he is living in an area where one decent salary will get you a half-decent 1-bed flat, red flag. If in an area where you need two very good salaries just to buy a studio flat, no red flag.
My DC still live at home for that reason...

Seashor · 24/08/2021 09:31

I have an adult son living at home. He can cook but doesn’t because another member of the household loves to do this. Our water bill is ridiculous so laundry is sorted by me. He is a whizz at cleaning the kitchen and hoovering which he has adopted as his role. Younger children have jobs too. No one does everything but everyone does something. We all work full time but twice a week we eat together and once a fortnight plan an evening together. It won’t be for ever because he has saved a massive deposit for a house. I think my son is a better option than his mate who doesn’t live at home but doesn’t live with the child he’s fathered either.

shouldistop · 24/08/2021 09:32

My 5 year old helps to set the table and takes his dishes into the kitchen after meals.
It's not the living at home that would bother me but the lack of independence.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 24/08/2021 09:33

I'm not sure about this. I think it depends on the person - if he has a busy life with work, friends, travelling (pre covid) and his home is more of a base then yeah, fine. The bit about 'laying the table' stood out for me ... I have a vision of an expectation of him having to be home for dinner every night to sit at the table with his mum.

StoneofDestiny · 24/08/2021 09:33

I'd query it as it doesn't seem an adult life. I've lived independently since I was 18, so there wouldn't be much of a match in lifestyles in that sense.

However, if my adult kids come to visit I wouldn't want different meal times, washing loads etc. Makes no sense.....in fact would be a pita and waste of energy.

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2021 09:34

@Hemingwaycat

He did live by himself at uni but jokes about taking washing home

I’m sure that wasn’t a joke but actually the truth and I bet she still does all of his washing now too. I’d definitely be put off by this, he sounds like a man child.

My DS would bring washing home when he came back from Uni for the holidays, and I would do it for him then he'd go back with clean clothes. While he was there he did the laundry himself, so I think more info is needed probably. You can't possible be sure whether it was a joke or not.
Newbie8365 · 24/08/2021 09:35

When I met my partner he was 27 and still living at home. Yes his mother did everything for him which was a turn off BUT he saved a massive deposit and we are now mortgage free. I wouldnt rule him out. Dont judge him on that, judge him on his morals, manners, is he a good a good person, is he a good match for you?

shouldistop · 24/08/2021 09:35

Mums love doing stuff for their dc,whatever their ages.

Have you taken a poll of every mum then?
Parents should be teaching their child how to be independent, not just 'doing stuff' for them.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/08/2021 09:38

Some of you guys are funny.... my 28 year old still lives at home while saving for a deposit, but of course we shop, cook and eat communally, apart from anything else I don't have space in our tiny kitchen for different people to be cooking at the same time, or storage space for someone to keep their own food. It's not a flat share, it's a small family house. The only way it works is to do things communally. So yes, I do most of the cooking because it is my kitchen and I run it my way...I don't want someone else in there cooking separate meals for themselves as it would mean I can't cook from there at the same time. I'm happy for him to make meals for all of us, though.
Same issues re washing- we have a small washer/dryer and limited drying space- if he puts his washing on without checking timings with me it can mean I have to delay my washing by up to a day. I prefer it for him to leave his washing by the machine so that it doesn't mess with my plans!
It doesn't mean he is not a functioning adult. He is involved with shopping, meal planning, organising and tidying communal space, supporting his younger brother with a whole range of issues etc.
So to say that it's only ok for him to live at home if he does so like a lodger when we don't have the facilities for that is a bit unfair. I wouldn't say we are overcrowded in that he has his own room, but the communal areas are small( as us this case with most people- we don't all live in big detached houses with massive open plan kitchens.) and this affects how we live- with a high degree of co- operation.
It's the lack of privacy that he would find a problem, I think, not the cooking arrangements!
He would make someone a great partner, no matter where he lives.

ancientgran · 24/08/2021 09:39

My DS would bring washing home when he came back from Uni for the holidays, and I would do it for him then he'd go back with clean clothes. While he was there he did the laundry himself, so I think more info is needed probably. You can't possible be sure whether it was a joke or not. One of mine did the same, main reason (possibly the only reason) was the laundrette was so expensive, he lived in a grotty cheap flat that was expensive to heat and a bit damp so getting washing dry with no outside space was difficult and paying at the launderette was expensive so he would arrive home with a couple of weeks washing. Seemed reasonable to me.

mstroutpout · 24/08/2021 09:40

I turned a 33 year old down for this. 2 years later he bought a 4 bed house with virtually no mortgage. He had a wonderful relationship with his family and now is married with children himself. Wife doesn't need to work.

The one that got away damn it.

Monday26July · 24/08/2021 09:40

@shouldistop

Mums love doing stuff for their dc,whatever their ages.

Have you taken a poll of every mum then?
Parents should be teaching their child how to be independent, not just 'doing stuff' for them.

This stuff makes me eye roll so hard, seriously.

My DC is only a toddler but I've already got him putting the washing out on the drying rack, putting rubbish in the bin, tidying his toys away before bed, wiping up his own spills on the floor when he has a drink. The goal is to raise a self sufficient adult with basic life skills!

Sparklingbrook · 24/08/2021 09:41

@shouldistop

Mums love doing stuff for their dc,whatever their ages.

Have you taken a poll of every mum then?
Parents should be teaching their child how to be independent, not just 'doing stuff' for them.

I don't actually mind doing stuff for my adult DC even though they are capable of doing it themselves. I have just hoovered my 19 year old's bedroom as I was doing upstairs. he could do it himself but he's out at his full time job. I have also put a washing load on consisting of mine, DH's and DS's clothes because it's a nice day and they'll line dry outside.

DS might cook for him and DH tonight. I won't be at home.

It's just practical sometimes.

starfishmummy · 24/08/2021 09:41

Not at all. DH and I were both people who through circumstances bounced around between living independently and with family at that age.

PurpleOkapi · 24/08/2021 09:42

Not necessarily. Not everyone likes living alone, and there's nothing wrong with preferring the company of one's own parents to solitude or to the company of some random roommate. If he'd never lived independently, I'd want him to do that for some time before moving in together, but that would be quite some time in the future.

I've taken washing home, too. It wasn't because I couldn't or wasn't willing to do it myself. I often did it myself at my parents' home. It was because I had to pay for it at uni, plus schedule my entire day around avoiding peak times and getting it out promptly because the machines were shared by the entire building. My mother still prefers to do it for me when I visit, but that doesn't mean I'm an overgrown child who can't do just fine myself the rest of the time.

TableFlowerss · 24/08/2021 09:42

Put it this way, it’s not a turn on

Fairyliz · 24/08/2021 09:42

No don’t do it! I have two DD’s in their 20’s and unfortunately the world seems to be full of these mummies boys.
Years ok men moved out in their early 20’s if not before. It had nothing to do with house prices/rent and everything to do with the fact that you couldn’t have your girlfriend to stay for sex Grin.
Nowadays a lot of young men seem to earn a reasonable wage and pay minimum board. In return they get mummy doing all of the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. In addition they often have an en-suite room (decorated by daddy) and they can bring back women/friends whenever they want.
Let’s be honest I would like all that for £150 a month Grin.

notacooldad · 24/08/2021 09:42

Find out how much money he has saved ?
If someone I had just met started to find out how much money I had saved I would be dumping THEM! It's none of the OPs business at this point. I would be seeing that as a red flag for me to stop dating them.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 24/08/2021 09:43

so long as there is a real plan and that's not just code for 'I'm a Mummy's boy and life's easier here'.

This - would depend if they were living as an adult pulling their weight around the house, or coasting along like a teenager.

I'd also expect them to be saving at least as much as they would be paying in rent to live out, so as to be able to afford to move out as soon as possible, as opposed to one guy I met who was "living at home to save for a house" but actually just living the high life and saving about £100 a month so clearly wasnt going to be moving out any time soon.

ancientgran · 24/08/2021 09:44

My DC is only a toddler but I've already got him putting the washing out on the drying rack, putting rubbish in the bin, tidying his toys away before bed, wiping up his own spills on the floor when he has a drink. The goal is to raise a self sufficient adult with basic life skills! There's no rush though, there's years for him to learn to be self sufficient, if you want him doing it as a toddler that's your decision but plenty of people bring up their children to be self sufficient without needing them to do it as toddlers.