Would a 28 year old living at home put you off?

[nales]

Met this great guy. Has a good job etc, but still lives at home to save money for a house.

Would that put you off? What should I look out for ?

100% it would put me off

If this is the only thing that's putting you off, then no.

It's hard to save for a deposit especially if buying alone. My younger brother is still at home at 25 as he is saving. However, he does do his own shopping, cooking, washing etc.

If this is just one of several things you aren't sure on, then I understand why this might feel a bigger thing.

It's not so much about the money; to my mind it's about emotional maturity and life experience. Who wants to live in the town where they grew up in their twenties?

Surely you want to roam around a bit at that age? Experience different things? Maybe live abroad or work in a big city? Speak a different language and culture? Learn how the world works.

You don't have to be ever as independent as when you are on your own in a place where no one understands you and you are the outsider. It is humbling and instructive and there is a certain "edge" to life that you can never experience and benefit from fully, when you can ultimately rely on someone else and sit down to your mum's shepherd's pie every Tueday evening.

Even if you think you are fully independent and don't rely on your parents, they (and the entire workings of the household they have created) are there to act as a buffer aren't they?

That in itself wouldn’t bother me at all.

I got a 100% mortgage at 21. Times have changed and it’s so much more difficult now.

And we don’t know their circumstances enough to really comment on whether he is a pampered mummy’s boy

DS returned home after 4 years away at university
He’s now 28 and is saving for a house - on target for moving out next year
Living at home has allowed him to save more and also build a business whilst working full time elsewhere
We split cleaning jobs, take it in turns to do food shopping, if we are both in to eat at same time (maybe 3-4 times a week) I usually cook but that’s because I enjoy it
If I’m tired or late home he will happily do dinner
We each do own washing - although will ask if other has anything needing washing to make a full load
The only thing DS doesn’t do is gardening - but will help with other things like DIY
When he leaves home I will struggle so will probably go back to having a cleaner again - gardeners are like gold dust where we live

No, it's 2021!

@mnmumak

Definitely. I wouldn’t consider dating someone who was living with parents beyond 20-21, unless they were living with a parent that needed care and providing that care. Even then I’d tread carefully as it would be hard to envisage starting a life together while they already had such a big responsibility.

I know you're entitled to your opinion and I'm not trying to change it but I'm just going to give an alternative about your 'not past 20-21' comment.

People who go to university straight from school are there until 21, maybe 22 if doing a 4 year course. Many then have to move home due to student debt / unable to find a well paid job. I think 20/21 is a young age bar to set personally. It is very common to live with parents at that age!

My brother lived at home until 28, he is now 33 and married.

I'm in my 40s. I bought a family home in London with my husband when I was 27. But times has changed. As difficult and expensive as it was to find decent housing then, it's nothing compared to now. Since 2012 the trend for corporate investment in residential housing stock has made it so much more expensive than it used to be. The rental market in particular. It's really common now for people in their late 20s to still live with their parents as depending on where they live, it just doesn't make financial sense to move out.

If he’s genuinely saving for a deposit, then good on him, I say. He’s got his head screwed on.
I think many men (and women) will let mum continue doing stuff if that’s always been the dynamic. As long as they realise that isn’t the way it should be in a relationship and there are no other red flags, then I don’t see a problem.

Depends on what his plan is. I moved home at 26, my boyfriend who I was living with had just cheated on me and I was studying full time and working part time, so I could have afforded a house share but it would have been a stretch. Moved home, agreed a two year plan with my parent, and then moved back out again with a healthy deposit. I would have been stuck renting forever otherwise. Paid a small amount for board and did fair share of cooking and jobs around the house. No one has done my washing since I was a teen!

@Twinty2

My brother lived at home until 28, he is now 33 and married.

Happily?

I mean, is his wife happy?

It wouldn't be a big issue to me. I was still at home in my 20s.
I don't get why people are bothered about Mum doing his washing, surely it's cheaper, and better for the planet to do a couple of full loads of light and darks instead of two people doing half loads?

I was forced to move back in with my parents in my early-mid 20s following being made redundant. This was just post credit crunch and it took me 3 years to get another stable, full time job which allowed me to move out.

I wouldn't write someone off just because they're living with parents in their 20s. It was soul destroying enough being rejected for job after job after job without being told I would have been totally undateable!

As with everything, it depends on their circumstances.

He does man jobs around the house

He does DIY with his penis? Gosh!

It’s worth pointing out that living independently is no guarantee of maturity either. I used to live next door to a shared house and there were some extremely immature individuals there over the years. Incapable of dealing with rubbish properly, very little evidence of washing (we could hear their machine when it was on) and general cluelessness. Some were visibly uncomfortable interacting with ‘grown-ups’. And one memorably commiserated when I asked him if he could smoke weed elsewhere - his parents didn’t like it either, which was why they’d asked him to leave!

Others were completely different.

So I’d look at his behaviour rather than the circumstances.

People who go to university straight from school are there until 21, maybe 22 if doing a 4 year course. Many then have to move home due to student debt / unable to find a well paid job. I think 20/21 is a young age bar to set personally. It is very common to live with parents at that age!

To be honest, the majority of people I know who went to uni sorted out a place to live for when they graduated and moved straight there rather than go and live with parents. Or they went to parents for a few months while they sorted out a house share/applied for jobs around the country. If someone had finished uni six months ago and was still living with parents without any plan to leave then it would be a 'no' from me!

Student debt isn't a reason to have to move home though, you don't start paying it back until you're earning over a certain threshold, and it doesn't affect your credit rating. The job thing is something most people start applying for in their final semester so they have something set up. I do know a few people who went to live with parents at university and then stayed there for several years but that wouldn't be my preference for a partner.

I really value independence in a partner and someone who has that drive to strike out on their own, be self sufficient and forge a life for themselves :) everyone's different and I'm sure there would be plenty of people who are happy to date those guys/woman, just not me.

Depends what culture he is from? This is very common in several Asian countries and from what I read, Italy as well.

There's a difference between living at home in a lodger style set up vs living at home in a mother son set up.

The latter would tell me we are at very different life stages which is what would put me off

I wouldn't write him off yet but no way would I live with him until he's ran his own home for a few years. Too many woman jump into mums role. Just no.

I lived at home on and off until I was 28 when I moved out for good. I did all my own cooking, washing, paid rent. Basically lived my own life but under my parents roof. It saved me a fortune and I’m lucky they were happy for me to do that.

If his mum is still doing a lot of stuff for him and all he does is set and clear the table I’d have a problem with that. It would make me concerned he does know how to be self sufficient which is a red flag.

*doesn’t

@trancepants

I'm in my 40s. I bought a family home in London with my husband when I was 27. But times has changed. As difficult and expensive as it was to find decent housing then, it's nothing compared to now. Since 2012 the trend for corporate investment in residential housing stock has made it so much more expensive than it used to be. The rental market in particular. It's really common now for people in their late 20s to still live with their parents as depending on where they live, it just doesn't make financial sense to move out.

There are other (cheaper) places in the world than London! I just can't relate to people who choose to spend their entire lives living in one place. Huge turn off!

So he has a good job and has lived at home since returning from uni at 21/22?

If he has been saving for a house seriously, he should have a fairly decent deposit right now for a starter flat/small house in most areas.

I'm not suggesting he should tell you how my n on your first date but you could ask at what point he expects to be buying a place. If he doesn't know, then really he lives there because he likes it and probably likes his mum doing a lot of housework.

No, I think it's very common now.