To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

When my FIL died his wife, children and husband/wives and his sisters and night nurse were all there. He really was surrounded by loved ones

When a death is expected in the coming weeks / days often families will get together to say they're last goodbyes so I often think that is what is meant by that turn of phrase.
As others have said most people don't want to die surrounded by people and quietly slip away on their own.
We're just approaching the first anniversary of my Mil's death and whilst she had several family members who cared for her for a very long time she simply slipped away whilst on her own but was undoubtedly surrounded by her family in her last days and those who could be there I'm sure they took comfort in knowing that others were there although not there at the point of death.

Agree about people waiting for family to leave before they die. My grandmother was very ill and my amazing grandfather had not left her side. My uncle arrived and rang the doorbell and he went down to answer the door and my grandmother died in that time. I always felt she died at that time as she knew my grandfather wasn't on his own...my mum was slightly upset as she was on the train still on the way up but was like my uncle there to support my grandfather. A few days later my grandfather died in his favourite chair whilst my mum and he were relaxing and chatting so mum was with him. My grandfather s death was totally unexpected but felt right as my grandparents had always been together. My uncle had returned home that day and poor man arrived next morning very early to support my mum. The neighbour who is known all my life and had lived next to my grandparents for over 30 years stayed with my mum that night. Miss my grandparents alot. My granny also died alone after my uncle on That side arrived to see her as he did every day and went to do her shopping and returned 30 mins later to find her gone. She knew he would be back with the shopping.

My sister, mother and I were sat round dad's bed when he died. I often think it would have been a good way to go - he spent his life listening to the chatter of "his womenfolk" and yes, we were chatting when he died. Can't remember what about but the nursing staff must have thought we were a heartless bunch - but dad went very peacefully and comfortably.

Again, sister and I were sat with mum when she died. Mum slipped away with us nattering in the background.

Hope I go the same way - maybe the dogs playing, the kids chatting - nice way to go.

My fil died in March
We’d all been down to see him and say our goodbyes over a few days
We left on the Friday (we live 200 miles away) and the last family member left on the Saturday
My mil had been by his side for the 3 months he’d been ill
On the Monday her sister (who’s a nurse) had popped round so mil could have a wash and get dressed
She left him for about 2 minutes to make a drink-went back in and he’d gone
They where married for just shy of 50 years and she was tearing herself apart that she’d left him as he went
Her sister told her that it’s really common for people to wait until everyone’s gone and they go-I think he didn’t want to do that to her
She was saying it’s really common for people to want to go to the toilet too,then as they push out a bowel movement,they pass there-on the loo
We put an announcement in the paper saying that ‘mil nursed him with a short illness’ as that’s what she was comfortable with

I know of 2 people dying of cancer who have hung on way longer than expected until an important event in the family. SIL had had several miscarriages and her mum was terminally ill when she finally got to term. They took the baby to see her at the hospice on the way home from the hospital and she died before they got home. A colleagues mum hung on until her only grandson, the first in the family to go to university, went to tell her his results as soon as he got them. She died minutes later.

There definitely should be more teaching about death. I'm terrified of dying. I have made dh agree to not tell me if I am and there's nothing that can be done. Im more scared of him dying though. I have never seen a dead body of a human.

@SunshineCake

There definitely should be more teaching about death. I'm terrified of dying. I have made dh agree to not tell me if I am and there's nothing that can be done. Im more scared of him dying though. I have never seen a dead body of a human.

That's a sad way to be. I'm not being trite but it comes to us all, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can live the best life you can though & try not to worry.

Not for the first time, I recommend the Irish way. You'd have seen many dead bodies by now! There's nothing to worry about, it's not scary. Having lost people close to me, I can tell you that when someone dies, the change is immediate. As soon as they stop breathing, their essence (soul for some people) leaves them & it's just their body. I have found it very profound. Honestly, it's not something to fear.

@SunshineCake

There definitely should be more teaching about death. I'm terrified of dying. I have made dh agree to not tell me if I am and there's nothing that can be done. Im more scared of him dying though. I have never seen a dead body of a human.

That's a bit insensitive when the thread is mainly about us watching our loved ones die.

My family have always died with loved ones around them. But my mum died after I popped away for a couple of hours to sort out my very young children. My aunt and cousin were with her and were sure she waited for me to leave.

I was posting in response to someone say we should be taught more. If you want it deleted you can ask MNHQ as it is clear I wasn't trying to upset anyone.

@EarringsandLipstick I agree.
@SunshineCake it is nothing to be feared.
My parents were very open with me and my sister as children about death. We visited relatives in hospital and have been around people receiving end of life care. I think I was around 13 when I visited my great nanna who was imminently dying to say I loved her and goodbye and saw my Nanna at 16 and visited the chapel of rest. I have been to many funerals, believe in the afterlife.
I'm very much pro if you have the opportunity to have your loved ones around you if you can when you pass away.
I'm a nurse now and have seen many deaths, the person mostly knows they've dying and normally know before anyone else.
My grandad said to my grandma a week before he died, 'this is the beginning of the end' all he wanted was to be home with family and he got his wish.

I would assume that statement is true in most cases, otherwise it is worded peacefully/unexpected/suddenly, suicides are always suddenly.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

Yes I've heard this.

(Forgive my levity but "This was back when death was much more common" made me chuckle)

That's a bit insensitive when the thread is mainly about us watching our loved ones die.

I disagree that this is insensitive as its a thread about dying and started about what was written in the newspaper opposed to what actually happened.

It seems to have developed into a thread sharing experiences and an appropriate place to mention the taboo of dying has made a person scared. Shutting down that part of the conversation isn't helpful and has been the case of death being taboo and that in itself makes life and dying harder than it should be in my opinion.

Sharing experiences of death and information can be really helpful.

SunshineCake, there are usually books on the subject at libraries and water stone. I found this really helpful after my mother died and when my father died, having the information made me caring for him better as I knew a bit more about what was happening and why.

Thank you @ivykaty44. I've been in bed poorly since last week and really not feeling good at all, physically or emotionally. I posted because I thought there might be others who felt the same but hey, this is MN where someone is always going to be in the wrong. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents .

Maybe you should ask this to be moved to the unexplained. People will help you more there.

My Dad died in the 5 minutes that no family members were in the room when he was in the hospice at the very end of his life, and I’d actually gone home for the first time in 4 days. I reckon he was waiting for us to leave.

Sorry you aren't feeling well @SunshineCake

I don't think you were wrong to share your view at all; I meant my post to offer some solace & not to fear what is inevitable for us all but very often has its own beauty (that might sound strange but my nearly-100 year old Grandma had a beautiful death, peaceful & surrounded by love. My dad didn't really, except the very last day when he did die peacefully. But sadly the run up was very very hard & yes, has left trauma for me).

It's just hard to know really x

I was there when my DF died and I like to think he knew. Everyone else got there a little later. We were with one of my DGMs and DGFs until fairly late but he and she died in the night alone. Both were elderly.

It is how much you loved them throughout their lives that is important.

It sounds to me like the kids probably wrote the words, wanting to sound good and like they all bothered with her when they really didn't.

I wouldn’t say it’s always a lie though perhaps sometimes it is. Sometimes people prefer to have people there sometimes they don’t. My Nan went surrounded by family and it actually felt nice to know that we were there with her in her last moments holding her hand so she knew she wasn’t alone after all the years she had been there for us. One of my grandads died in hospital when I was a child and he waited until everyone had been to see him one night and died within an hour or two of everyone going home. He said his goodbyes and then went alone but quietly having made peace with it. However lots of people do want to know they aren’t alone in those final moments, whether it’s a loved one or just a kind stranger.

I watched my mum die recently over months and it was horrific.

As a child I went to the hospital where my gran had died from a heart attack. My mum asked if she had suffered or been in pain. The doctor said that she wouldn’t have felt anything. Shortly afterwards I overheard a student who had been shadowing the doctor ask if what he had told my mum was true. His answer “of course not, but how’s it going to help her knowing she’d have felt like she was being torn in half”. Never told anyone this before. Never forgot though.

My half sister would have you believe our dad died surrounded by family when actually my mum and my niece were in the room when he passed.