To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

My a miracle / fluke all 4 of us DC & my DM were with my DF when he died.

We had been doing shifts, and my youngest DB had just flown in from Australia, just about an hour before. We were all there as we were about to swap over. I was leaving the hospital with my own 3 DC when my DSis rang & told me to come back urgently. I will never forget racing back up 3 flights of stairs to get back to him.

We were all there, and it was a comfort. His actual death was peaceful (the lead up decidedly had not been).

I don't tend to read too much into what death notices say, like others it's just giving a sense of the family's feelings, rather than an actual description of how death occurred.

The Irish way of discussing death & grieving, of waking the body & the general (pre Covid) gathering & celebrating life is hugely comforting.

Within an half an hour of my DF dying, the hospital chaplain (priest) came to say prayers etc. He was all over the place, dishevelled, Bible falling apart. He lighted on my brother - returned from Oz - and excitedly quizzed him about his route, stopovers, duration. He went on & on, my poor dad just literally deceased before him. The rest of us started laughing & eventually someone had to go, 'er, Father...' & indicate my dad, to get him to start some prayers before we totally lost the run of ourselves.

@SusanBland

My dad died in a hospice, me and my mum were there most of the time as he was very unwell, we were exhausted and went home for a quick sleep,got a call at 4am to go back but he had already gone by the time we got there. The nurse said that people often wait until their loved ones are gone to pass away, she said it happens alot, even when people just nip out of the room for 5 minutes.

DSis and I had a shift system in place to be with our father when he was dying. He had said he didn’t want us to watch him die. He died in a rare 40 minute window when neither of us were there. We had been told that two weeks before that it was a “matter of hours” Your nurse may well be right. I think he chose to go then. Awkward bugger to the end!

DH’s grandfather died while his children sang “My Way” to him. All three say it was a moving and wonderful experience and they have such lovely memories of his passing.

I was with my DSis when she died. It was a very special time. She had brain tumours, only in her 40s and it had been expected for a while. She had decided it was time to go. I am glad she wasn’t alone. I think it gave her children comfort to know I was with her.

I was there when both my stepdad and my FIL died.
Fil had cancer and we knew it was getting close, dh rang me at work to come to the hospice and he died 15 minutes after I got there. It was a very gentle death and he had DH, MIL and Me with him.
My stepdad fell ill and died very unexpectedly, my mum rang me at 10am to say he was being rushed to A&E with suspected pneumonia, I went up fully expecting him to be ok and I arranged to go to work late. By 2pm the Dr told us they couldn’t do anything else and he died at 4:30pm. I was awful and he essentially drowned. It traumatised me and I even couldn’t visit him in the funeral home afterwards. He had his family with him but I wish I hadn’t seen it. Not every death is a good death.

My Mum died with my brother and I holding her hands, one each side of the bed. She wouldn't have wanted to be alone.

@JulesCobb

My mum used to work in nursing homes. She often said the residents often died after their families left for the evening.

This is what happened when my mum died. The family had all been in and out for the whole week, there was always someone sitting with her during the day.

The day she died I’d been in during the afternoon then gone to work, first day back since she’d gone into hospital, my grandparents left to go home for dinner, with a view to going back in the evening I think. But once everyone had gone she passed away. My granny always said that mum waited until she was on her own before she went.

My grandad was the same, we’d all been to see him in the afternoon. My uncle drove up from England and went straight in to see him before coming to the house. He wasn’t expected to pass away, he was scheduled for an operation on the Monday, but on the Sunday night after my uncle had been in to see him my grandad passed away. Almost as if he was waiting for my uncle to arrive then felt he could go.

When my mum was dying I sat with her each night till about 2/3am so my dad could go to sleep as he was beside himself thinking it would happen in the night.
I'd go home and expect 'the call' in the early hours every day but mum passed away at midday when my dad left the room to get her a fresh glass of water.
I don't think we would have put "passed away alone, uncared for" because that simply wasn't true.

@BeauxRingarde

we could do with learning about the process of dying and that just like birth it can be fast or slow, painful or uplifting, planned or unexpected

I think we all know that though, don't we? What's to learn exactly?

My full sentence read I think it's good people discuss their experiences, the good and the bad. One of the things I found was that death was a surprise to me (I read up about it afterwards - for example about people's appetites naturally dwindling towards their last days) a bit like ante-natal classes we could do with learning about the process of dying and that just like birth it can be fast or slow, painful or uplifting, planned or unexpected

Well for example I had no idea about the death rattle until I read about it after being shocked when experiencing it when my Dad was dying. Maybe you know all about it? Maybe you know about the sweet smell from dying bodies? I didn't know what happens in peoples final days:
www.hospiceuk.org/what-we-offer/clinical-and-care-support/what-to-expect/what-happens-when-someone-is-dying/changes-in-the-last-days-of-life

I had only seen people die on TV before, I had no idea about the realities of death. What I mean is people should be more open about it, as the opening poster points out, there is a tendency to sugarcoat it.

I sat with my Nan all night and most of the next day, my parents had been with her the night before. She died about 30 mins after I left
When we went to collect her things, the nurse asked "who was Bill?"
It was her husband who had died several years earlier and the nurse heard her say his name just before she died. I like to think she saw him

Both my parents died (years apart) with my brother and I holding their hand. it is one of the greatest honours of my life being there for them at that time. OP your neighbour's children are clearly saying that to save face or maybe they just (wrongly) think that's the conventional thing to say even if it's not true.

I sat and held my best friend’s hand as she took her last breath. She was very scared of dying (only in her 30s) and I’ll be forever grateful that I was there when she died. She was there every time I needed her - to be with her the last time she ever needed me seemed like a small thing to do tbh .

I was there when my dh died in July and so was his sister. Just the three of us and its what he wanted.

I am glad I was, I've done it before with my nan and as I never left dhs side towards the end I'm so glad he wasn't on his own

Yes the death rattle is a thing. I knew dh was going to go that day when I heard that.

My dad waited until we had gone home before he passed away, a macmillan nurse had sat with him holding his hand so he wasn't on his own

Gosh I would hate everyone sitting around my bedside particularly if my death had distressing symptoms like death rattle secretions. I've watched hundreds of people die after 35 years as an oncology and palliative care Nurse. Many people let themselves slip away in the few moments that a loved one has popped home for a shower, or popped to the toilet. i would just want my dh there maybe and my dog.

This is a fucking weird thread🤔

My dd was Murdered we didn't have a death notice it had already been mentioned in the local news.
When my mum died all 6 of her children were at her bedside, it was mentioned in the death notice that she died peacefully with her family beside her.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I would agree with this! At work I have witnessed lots of deaths. Quite often family will be at the bedside 24/7, and will literally nip out to the bathroom or get a drink and their loved one will die at that moment. I do really believe not everyone wants to be surrounded by loved ones and they chose their moment accordingly.

I was with my father when he died. He was screaming in pain - the nurses were out of the room trying to get drs to prescribe something stronger than paracetamol but they didn't arrive until after he had died. I told him that I loved him and that whatever happened we would be together as we were part of each other he pushed me very strongly so that I fell and then he died. It was horrific.
I think if you receive the right medical support having your family together could be a very comforting experience. Unfortunately COVID meant our family were not allowed to be there and the medical support was not great.

My grandmother died at home surrounded by loved ones. About 10-15 of her children grandchildren and great grandchildren were present, and she passed very peacefully.

@ParkheadParadise

This is a fucking weird thread🤔

My dd was Murdered we didn't have a death notice it had already been mentioned in the local news.
When my mum died all 6 of her children were at her bedside, it was mentioned in the death notice that she died peacefully with her family beside her.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a child is always tragic, and when the circumstances are so horrific that's so much worse. I hope you manage to find some measure of comfort in your life.

It often is true, I’ve seen many families mount 24hr vigils by the bedside.

And even if somebody wasn’t there at the end, it doesn’t mean they didn’t love the deceased. DMIL was deeply loved, but she died in a hospice and the family didn’t visit once she lost consciousness (she died about three days later). They just didn’t see the point of it when she wasn’t awake. Not what I’d do myself, but they didn’t love her any the less.

But of course people lie in death notices, you don’t see many “Bert was a nasty man and his kids loathed him, absolutely nobody is mourning his passing” notices do you?

@HappyBirthdayMrPresident

It breaks my fucking heart knowing I wasn't there at the end for my lovely wee mum the guilt I feel is horrific

Same

The choice to have your loved ones with you at the end or the choice to be with a dying loved one was largely removed during Covid. My DF discharged himself from hospital 48 hours before he died even though he was in acute kidney failure at that point. He did this because he knew he’d die alone in a strange hospital bed if he didn’t defy the doctors and my DM couldn’t cope with waiting for a call to let her know whether he was still alive; it wasn’t the “in sickness and in health” she’d signed up for 55 years earlier and they wanted to be together.

He insisted on Hospice at Home care because he had more control about what symptoms he owned up to, again to avoid transfer to hospital. Hospice at Home didn’t work too well in Lockdown and a lot of help wasn’t available. My DM and I were exhausted so both went to get a short sleep the night he died. My dad died trying to get out of bed and I found him just after. I had to lay him out because nobody came for many hours. I know this thread isn’t about Lockdown but the discussion of choices makes me kind of envious.

Another thing I found was that no one asked how he was or how me and DM were throughout his illness and death, even now a couple of my supposed close friends who knew him well have yet to ask after him and I suppose don’t know he’s dead. It was five months ago. Covid made the ‘surrounded by family’ death a rare thing.

Some desperately sad stories here. I'm truly sorry for everyone's losses.

@ParkheadParadise I'm very very sorry for the loss of your DD. That's just horrendous.

@YouokHun I felt extremely sad for you & your DM, and your DF, reading your post. That's really heartbreaking, and your points are very valid. I'm so sorry about your dad.

@waterlego blub 😢😢

@YouokHun - I'm so sorry you had that experience :( And yes, it's upsetting that people haven't checked to see how he, or you and your mum, are doing and found out the truth.

My Dad's father died at home in similar fashion - Dad and his mum were downstairs, and rather than call them, he tried to get out of bed himself and the effort was too much - he fell back on the bed and was dead when Dad found him a few minutes later. That was years ago and not in Covid times though - but it's still a rough thing to deal with. :(

I agree that we, as a society, don't do ourselves any favours by shying away from discussing death openly. It does make it more shocking for people when they first have to deal with it. No one really wants to think about it, but it should be a normal part of life (well, it is, but you know what I mean).

I've known people who have been there at a person's final moments before death with other members of the family. I hope what the OP describes is a rare occurrence.

My grandparent died alone as a family member couldn't be arsed to get out the bath to answer the phone. That's worse for me than a lie tbh.