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Original poster

To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

363 replies

Meredithsbff · 23/08/2021 14:13

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

OP posts:
Mybestgirl · 23/08/2021 19:13

CakeandGo I’ve witnessed many deaths during my life and I find it quite the opposite…

ivykaty44 · 23/08/2021 19:13

we could do with learning about the process of dying and that just like birth it can be fast or slow, painful or uplifting, planned or unexpected.

This is so true

How many people make birthing plans, dying plans would be useful

I don’t want to die shouting and crying out so would ask for additional drugs and a relaxing drug

I’d also rather be at home in my own surroundings

Death is a part of life but it’s been screened of to much from the living which I don’t think is healthy

ivykaty44 · 23/08/2021 19:17

@Mybestgirl

Where they peaceful through drugs or something else?

@CakeandGo

Perhaps this needs to be questioned as to why the deaths weren’t peaceful and what could have been done to make them more so

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 23/08/2021 19:28

@FooFightersFan

Blossomtoes

“I was with my mum. It felt very fitting that she saw me into the world and I saw her out of it.”

When my father died recently I had a similar thought. My mum gave birth to me at home and my dad was there when I was born. My dad died at home and I was there with him when he died. It seemed poetic almost.

Before his death I had never seen anyone die. I was shocked. It was slow. And I know he was in pain, right up until we managed to get him on a morphine drip the day before he died.

Then I knew he was pain free and, I hope peaceful.

Fortunately my mum, brother and me were all with him for his last days and I’m sure he felt loved and cared for.

I miss him terribly.

Flowers It never really goes, does it, I think I'll miss my mum as long as I live, as she did hers. It's been years now and I still get a tight chest and misty eyes when I see her favourite flower, or smell her perfume.
rubbletrouble · 23/08/2021 19:30

Well the statement in this case is obviously a lie. But then what do they say, I think sometimes the family just like it to sound nice and keep up appearances, so yes it probably is used as a go to statement to keep up appearances in a lot of instances.

If you are not a bedside of a loved one as they die, that doesn't mean you love them any less and it's not anyone's place to judge.
I know my mum was glad I was there in one respect but will have hated it in others, but you just do what you thinks best at the time, and I would never had been anywhere else in my mums last minutes and she knew that (I was luckily enough for that to be facilitated)

freddiethegreat · 23/08/2021 19:35

My Grandma went onto end-of-life last September & deteriorated very quickly. My aunt got there, my mother didn’t & she was only allowed her designated visitors so the grandchildren who desperately wanted to go, couldn’t. My aunt watched with Grandma all night & just after 6am she nodded off for a minute & Grandma left us in that moment.

clarepetal · 23/08/2021 19:46

When my dad passed away my mum was sleeping in the room next door with the door open. She awoke realising she couldn't hear him breathing, she checked on him then realised he had gone. It was expected and I personally think she subconsciously heard the moment he stopped, hence waking up.
My brother was asleep upstairs and she told him. Although they weren't literally by his bed, they were all at his home together as normal, so I consider this as being surrounded by his family.

PinkiOcelot · 23/08/2021 19:50

My brother died a few years ago in hospital. He told us to go away, to leave. It felt quite brutal at the time and still upsets me now even though it was what he wanted.
If we’d out that on his obituary, it would have been a lie.

RumblyMumbly · 23/08/2021 20:17

Like birthing suites I also think they should have wards specifically for dying patients - I know there are hospices but often if the patient takes a downturn there's not enough time to get them home or to a hospice but it can still be hours or days in the hospital. We had to leave a private room on ITU as it was needed for treatable patients (quite rightly) but then it's a lottery of where there's a spare bed / whether there's room for visitors to be with their dying family or friend. We ended up in a room on a ward where someone was having a mental health crisis in the adjacent room throwing chairs / screaming obscenities. It was really upsetting to lose a spouse of 50years with that as the backdrop.
I also know a friends PIL had died on a ward and someone appeared shortly afterwards with a meal for them.
A 'departure lounge' in hospitals for patients on end of life care would allow more dignity in death, and a most restful setting for family to say their final goodbyes, than active wards can provide.

Mybestgirl · 23/08/2021 20:23

[quote ivykaty44]@Mybestgirl

Where they peaceful through drugs or something else?

@CakeandGo

Perhaps this needs to be questioned as to why the deaths weren’t peaceful and what could have been done to make them more so[/quote]
My dad died of cancer, but mercifully was never in any pain, he just slept a great deal of the time, although he opened his eyes and looked at me as he took his last few breaths. People should be given adequate pain relief to allow them to die pain free and in peace, thankfully, that’s been my experience, as a nurse for many years. I’m sorry if others experience has been different

Incywinceyspider · 23/08/2021 20:27

My Dad died in a hospice. We were there all day and then left the room for literally 5 minutes to get something to drink. A nurse came running into the canteen to say that we needed to hurry back as he was slipping away. We managed to get back to the room just in time, but I swear he waited until we were out of the room before he decided to go.

TreeSmuggler · 23/08/2021 20:30

@Blanketpolicy

I don't think it literally means the whole family were around the bedside waiting for the finale.

It means in the last years of their life they had their family around them, visiting/doing things together/supporting them if necessary.

When I am actually dying in the last few minutes the only people I am interested in being there are the ones who can give me pain meds if needed!!!

I also interpret the phrase this way.
Toddlerteaplease · 23/08/2021 20:34

@dayswithaY

People say and write all sorts of things when people die, let them. It's just a way of coping. My Nanna died alone in a hospital bed because my Dad had nipped out for a tea but they're not going to put that in the death notice are they?
My mum had been with her mum all night and was sent home to get some rest, my grandma died about half an hour after she left. My mum is convinced that she had waited for her to leave to spare her witnessing her actual death.
barfotoliv · 23/08/2021 20:45

Im in Ireland, where the culture around death and dying is very different, but here, if the death is expected, it is very very common to die surrounded by family and even friends. In fact, there is a euphemism we use (in my part of Ireland, at least) - if you say "they're sitting with them", it means that death is imminent, and family and friends will be keeping vigil around the bedside. So in my experience, "died surrounded by loved ones" definitely means just that.

Charley50 · 23/08/2021 20:54

"This was back when death was much more common." Sorry, I know what that PP meant, but that did make me chuckle.

My DM died in her 90s after steadily fading over a few months; her last month was spent in hospital, just fading away really. I worked term-time only, lived in the same area, and it was the summer holidays and I had the time, so I visited her every day in hospital for a few hours. I wasn't with her when she actually died, although my sibling was, but I think you could say she died surrounded by loved ones.

It's really interesting to read that so many people wait until their loved ones leave the room. I suppose it shows we all all need space.

Mybestgirl · 23/08/2021 21:12

@barfotoliv

Im in Ireland, where the culture around death and dying is very different, but here, if the death is expected, it is very very common to die surrounded by family and even friends. In fact, there is a euphemism we use (in my part of Ireland, at least) - if you say "they're sitting with them", it means that death is imminent, and family and friends will be keeping vigil around the bedside. So in my experience, "died surrounded by loved ones" definitely means just that.
Yes, we say that in my part of Scotland too….
Eggsley · 23/08/2021 21:31

I was there when my grandma died. She was in a care home, with her three daughters (my mum and her two sisters), me and my dad there. We were holding her hands and stroking her hair when she slipped away. She had deteriorated quickly but we had known for about 5 days that the end was coming. My parents and I spent the whole weekend with her, I called my aunties to come when the nursing home staff said they thought it was getting close. The nursing home staff couldn't have been more caring. I had popped home and was on my way back to the home when my dad rang to say they didn't think she had much longer. She slipped away about 10 minutes after I got there. I hope she knew I wanted to be with her.

It was sad but I was so comforted by the fact that she was surrounded by her family. I dealt with it much better than I did my other grandparents, none of whom I was with. We had spoken to her a lot over that weekend about it being time to let go and we were all ok and she could go and be with my grandpa now. We all miss her so much but she was so surrounded by love, I hope that I am fortunate enough to have similar when it's my time to go.

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 23/08/2021 21:31

This was back when death was much more common

Whereas now people just keep living.

BeauxRingarde · 23/08/2021 21:43

we could do with learning about the process of dying and that just like birth it can be fast or slow, painful or uplifting, planned or unexpected

I think we all know that though, don't we? What's to learn exactly?

DerAlteMann · 23/08/2021 21:55

I was there when both my parents died (only child). I wasn't much of a family but in our case it was true.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2021 21:57

if you say "they're sitting with them", it means that death is imminent, and family and friends will be keeping vigil around the bedside.

Yes barfofoliv a phrase familiar to me too (also Irish).

RevolvingPivot · 23/08/2021 22:00

According to posts on here some family members passed with family around them and some alone. I've heard people say they "wanted" until they were alone. Maybe it's coincidence. I've had family pass both alone and with loved ones.

I was in hospital recently and an elderly woman was brought in in the middle of the night in pain. Poor woman didn't know where she was or whether she had careers. They neither asking her abs I did wonder why they hadn't called any family to ask. I heard the nurses talking about terrible bedsores. She died and a Nan abs woman came into sit with her so she must have had family. She was laid in her cubicle all day waiting to see if anyone would come and say goodbye. No one else came.

RevolvingPivot · 23/08/2021 22:02

Waited**

RevolvingPivot · 23/08/2021 22:03

So many mistakes!!!

WTF475878237NC · 23/08/2021 22:07

When my grandad died we'd all been there all day and slept overnight so as to keep chatting away to him. It was one of the most special moments of my life and an absolute privilege and precious gift to be there to (privately) thank him for what he did for me and then chat and laugh with all the extended family present to him about our various adventures with him. He loved big family time and it was exactly how he would have wanted to go.