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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
SnotandBothered · 23/08/2021 13:41

I would talk to DSD - or perhaps her mum?

Explain that you are planning this honeymoon and that you don't have childcare options for DS so it looks like you may have to take him. Tell her that ideally you would have wanted just the two of you but that probably isn't going to be an option.

Explain that because it looks like DS has to come, you would be uncomfortable leaving her out, and be clear that the invitation is there. But be honest and explain that you are worried that she will be bored and that you very much want this time to celebrate your marriage.

See what they think?

Madcats · 23/08/2021 13:43

So nothing is booked yet? Hypothetically where would the kids stay on your 'honeymoon'? Would you all be in the same room? Would you expect teen and your 3 year old to share? Presumably the teen now costs adult prices?

Also, would it be teen's GCSE year?

Is there a fighting chance that your Fiancé could agree with his ex wife that her 'family' holiday occurs at the same time as your?

I'm not convinced that international travel is going to be much better in 2022; I'd be inclined to have a lovely few days in the UK. Calcite Manor and the Luxury Family Hotels chain have great childcare.

I think you'll find that you will save a bomb travelling in term time (and in a year or two your own child will need to be in school).

rookiemere · 23/08/2021 13:44

I actually agree with @Peacrock .

It's an expensive holiday that happens to take place after a wedding.

If I was in the same situation as OP I probably wouldn't want to spend the thousands needed to add my grumpy DSD to the booking either.

But at least own the circumstances, the DSD is a teen not the village idiot so romantic explanations of what happens on a honeymoon May be somewhat wasted, particularly as her 3yr old DSS already exists.

Sleepyquest · 23/08/2021 13:48

Leave the moody teen with her mum. Book during term time. Enjoy!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 13:48

Is there a fighting chance that your Fiancé could agree with his ex wife that her 'family' holiday occurs at the same time as yours

Why should the ex facilitate him leaving his child out of a holiday? I certainly wouldn’t.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 23/08/2021 13:53

Peacock

I don't know what sort of 15 year olds you know but that sort lf behavior really isn't typical.

Yes they have the odd strop but constant, bratty behavior isnt on and shouldnt be tolerated to the extent that they monopolise the happiness of everyone whenever theyre around them. Just no.

notthemum · 23/08/2021 13:53

I'll probably get shouted at but I wouldn't take her. Your future husband needs to wake-up and realise how his elder child behaves around you and her sibling.
A lot of her behaviour may be down to the fact that she is 15. I have known an awful lot of awful 15 year olds.
There is a new little person in her dads life and they live with him.
She has a lot of outside influences to consider when making her decisions-she might not want to leave mum for all that time.
However, none of this is an excuse for being rude or mean.
Sod everyone else. You get to choose. So what if others think you are being selfish? (I don't).
If you think that she is going that will start applying the pressure for you immediately. As time gets closer you will become more stressed. That is not good for you. By the time you leave you will be too frazzled to relax and she will either be looking smug on the plane or smirking at home at the distress that she has already caused. You are then stuck with her for two weeks. NAH.
Please put your needs and wishes first for a change. 💐

helpfulperson · 23/08/2021 13:54

Would you take the 15 year old if she was your daughter not his? And that should be your answer.

goingtotown · 23/08/2021 13:54

Ask DSD if she’d like to go with you, she could possibly decline the offer if she thinks she’ll be doing a bit of baby sitting.

NewlyGranny · 23/08/2021 13:54

No way would I make myself and my DH hostages to a stroppy, hostile, spoilt 15yo by inviting her on my honeymoon! No matter what promises you extracted from her, she will clearly do whatever she chooses which is likely to be punishing her DSM for giver her a little HS and marrying her DF.

No. Just no. Not in a million years. Nobody in their right mind expects you to. If you really have to take the toddler DD, so be it, but please issue no apology or explanation to DSD of her DM. Appeasement doesn't work.

If you cut the fortnight to a week would you feel more comfortable leaving DD?

Plumtree391 · 23/08/2021 13:55

The op hasn't said her step daughter is surly all the time and has said she gets on with her.

Teenagers often are awkward and disdainful. Somebody needs to tell the girl that it isn't clever, indeed it is ill mannered, to look down her nose at things; it's raining on someone else's parade which is very unkind. If she is picking up those attitudes from family members, they really are not very nice but you can't say that. Nevertheless there must be somebody to whom she is close who could talk to her about this and encourage her to have a more mature attitude.

Honestly, in a couple of years she could be quite different, a lot nicer.

Leaving her out of the 'honeymoon' is a slight. She will not spoil things for the op and her husband, she'll be having a good time! Let it be a holiday to remember, a new beginning for you all.

Lostmarbles2021 · 23/08/2021 13:55

May be take her out on her own and explain to her that you are only taking the 3 year old because there isn’t another option and you will be using the childcare there to try and get a proper honeymoon. Perhaps try and arrange some one to one time with her to build the relationship. I think it’s fine not to take her if you make sure she doesn’t feel left out. You have good reason to take the 3 year old. It’s not possible to do otherwise.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 23/08/2021 14:01

Plumtree the 15 year old refuses ton speak to and ignores the 3 year old. That's downright rude.
She puts them downs and belittles them because they can't spend as much money as her mum on holidays.

I think the tip toeing around her has gone on long enough, the kid needs a good dose of home truths and couple of weeks to reflect on her behaviour. Not the chance to spoil this couples honeymoon and chance to relax after horrific cancer treatment!

GalaPie · 23/08/2021 14:01

She is of an age when the very concept of a parent on honeymoon is yuck.
Just say 'we're booking a holiday for after the wedding but we didn't think you'd want to come along to witness the honeymooners canoodling by candlelight (snurk snurk) so we thought £1000 would be a suitable compensation to help you enjoy next summer after your exams'.

Moonlaserbearwolf · 23/08/2021 14:02

This is a tricky one.
Ideally, you wouldn’t take either child on your honeymoon, but that won’t really work for the three year old. Holiday child care might not be great either (my first child would have hated random childcare on holiday at that age - leaving her with grandparents for 2 weeks would have been better option for her).

Is it possible your DSD might be understanding if you explained everything as you have on here? However, she’s 15 and might see it as a snub no matter what you say.

In your shoes I’d probably leave the big honeymoon until my 3 year old was able to stay behind. Have a few luxury nights away in the UK (without children) after the wedding.

Wizzbangfizz · 23/08/2021 14:06

I understand you why don't want to take her but as previous posters have said if this was YOUR moody 15 year old then you would be taking her on your holiday (and it is a holiday not a honeymoon if you are going somewhere with childcare) if you were taking your 3 year old.

Frodogo · 23/08/2021 14:08

There is no way on earth I would take a 15-year-old on a honeymoon, step-child or not. I wouldn't want any child with me, tbh, but definitely not a snobby 15-year-old who pointedly ignores her younger half-sibling. I'd rather not go at all, save the money and spend it on something I'd actually enjoy!

Ozanj · 23/08/2021 14:15

It wouldn’t feel like a honeymoon with a 3 yo even with childcare support at the resort. I have friends who had in-hotel baby sitting services at a well known 5 star resort known for impeccable customer service in a country where standards for this type of stuff is stratospheric & even then when the child started to cry the parents were expected to return within 30mins or they would contact the local equivalent of the social services.

In your position, without childcare, I’d downscale the holiday to a normal one & book the honeymoon when you can arrange childcare for the 3 yo.

Clymene · 23/08/2021 14:16

@Wizzbangfizz

I understand you why don't want to take her but as previous posters have said if this was YOUR moody 15 year old then you would be taking her on your holiday (and it is a holiday not a honeymoon if you are going somewhere with childcare) if you were taking your 3 year old.
It's a honeymoon. They have to take their toddler with them.
Summerfun54321 · 23/08/2021 14:18

Have you even asked her if she wants to go? A 2 week holiday with a toddler and no friends sounds like most teenagers idea of hell, however posh the hotel.

Sirzy · 23/08/2021 14:19

Surely the honeymoon is the few days you have booked away in a hotel just the two of you and this is a family holiday?

It should and could be a great opportunity for you to build a better bond as a family.

PhoenixFreesias · 23/08/2021 14:21

Cool story bro.

Haffdonga · 23/08/2021 14:23

I wouldn't take a 15 year old on a honeymoon whether they're a step, half, full or adopted dc. A 15 year old who has an alternative safe, happy home to stay in has no place on a couple's honeymoon.

Nothing more cringey for anyone.

If she's offended I'd explain that her little sister will be in the childcare everyday at the resort rather than with you, and so she is also not 'going on your honeymoon'.

Then plan a proper family camping holiday for everyone.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/08/2021 14:24

Would you take the 15 year old if she was your daughter not his? And that should be your answer.

She's not the OP's daughter though is she. Repies like this are so unhelpful.

OP I would book in term time as others have said. Explain that it's an expensive holiday and this will keep costs down for you. Problem solved.

LittleMysSister · 23/08/2021 14:27

YES to booking in term-time. Problem solved.