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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
5329871e · 23/08/2021 14:27

YABU.
You’re bringing your own DC, so it would be terrible to leave the DSD out.

Also you’ve got a kid together and live together! - getting married is a good idea (better late than never) but the honeymoon is hardly a big deal. Not exactly like you need the privacy to get to know each other as a newly wed couple. It’s basically a family holiday and you’re trying to exclude one child.

Sittingonabench · 23/08/2021 14:28

The honeymoon is for you and you DH to cement your love and commitment to each other. Given your illness and both of your grief it is ideal time to reconnect and focus on each other - it is definitely a honeymoon! It is not for your 3 year old or you DSD. It is for you two. The 3 year old may need accommodating due to child care - that’s a bit tough but still not the focus of your honeymoon, and they can be accommodated while you spend time alone. Your DSD cannot be entertained in the same way- meaning your time and effort will fall to entertaining her rather than focusing on connecting with your husband. She does not require childcare in the same way and will be fine at home. This isn’t a family holiday. She could be the most pleasant teenager on the planet, I wouldn’t take her. I really can’t imagine anyone taking their teenager on their honeymoon although know a few who have taken toddlers. This doesn’t have to be about her behaviour. It is simply about you and your DH. Yes she probably is going through a lot emotionally and yes that should be treated with compassion but you deserve some compassion too and this is the time and opportunity.

senua · 23/08/2021 14:31

A honeymoon is a rite of passage, where you should only have eyes for your new spouse. Tell DSD she can spoil come on your honeymoon if you can ditto go to her Prom.Grin

PoppenhuisStories · 23/08/2021 14:31

Three year olds nap during the day and go to bed early leaving plenty of time for adult conversation and activities. Not exactly the same as having a 15 year old around constantly. No way on earth would I take a teenager on my honeymoon.

5329871e · 23/08/2021 14:33

@senua

A honeymoon is a rite of passage, where you should only have eyes for your new spouse. Tell DSD she can spoil come on your honeymoon if you can ditto go to her Prom.Grin
They’ve been living together for god knows how many years Confused
Iamclaracowbell · 23/08/2021 14:37

I don't think you should take her. You have no choice with your little DC, and whilst taking a toddler will impact on the type of honeymoon you can have, you will still be 'in charge' of what you do day to day while you're there, as a 3 year old doesn't generally get much say.

A stroppy disdainful teen, stepchild or not, will massively affect how enjoyable a time you have on the one and only honeymoon you will have - there will be demands to go to different places / buy things / do things to suit her. It isn't a family holiday, it's a honeymoon where you haven't got any choice but to take little DC.

Frazzledazzles · 23/08/2021 14:39

Take your little one but not the teenager. She has to learn actually that sneery rude behaviour doesn’t encourage people to want to spend unnecessary time with you.

6fingerkitkat · 23/08/2021 14:41

For me this is about NOT taking the 3 yo rather than taking the DSD.

I get the childcare/ leaving small child point but it's better than leaving out the dsd and taking the dsd isn't likely going to end well

Jerseygirl12 · 23/08/2021 14:41

I’d invite her as it’s not really a honeymoon it’s a family holiday after your wedding.

rookiemere · 23/08/2021 14:42

I really don't like this narrative that it's DSDs own fault for not being taken - if only she were more pleasant and able to play with her DSis - then perhaps she'd be allowed to come.

Teenagers are teenagers- you don't not include them in plans because they're stroppy sods. Obviously they'd rather go on the pricey holidays because who wouldn't?

Being included in the family if you're a child shouldn't be dependent on good behaviour. But then the DP is the one who should be sticking up for his DD.

Dogoodfeelgood · 23/08/2021 14:50

The other perspective is that she will probably be stroppy and ruin it and then feel so guilty about that as an adult. Better to not give her the chance and save her future grimacing cringe moments every time she remembers how she destroyed your honeymoon by sulking and c**k blocking you both lol Grin

Dogoodfeelgood · 23/08/2021 14:52

I also agree with PP that if she was your own 15 year old DC you would probably leave her with friends/family anyway and she would be happy to not go on her parents honeymoon!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/08/2021 14:54

Agreed @Dogoodfeelgood - my daughter was 15 when I got married, his sons were 11 and 17. We didn't take any of them - they stayed with the other parent. Not so easy with a toddler who doesn't have another parent though, obviously.

vivainsomnia · 23/08/2021 14:56

Yanbu! You are allowed holidays without your stepchild, especially when she has holidays etc with her mum and mum's family. Do not feel guilty
This was the exact attitude of my ex and his new partner. Our kids were lucky to go on nice holidays with me so didn't see that they needed to come on their nice one. It was only one of the attitude they had towards them. They are now adults and have nothing much to do with them, and of course, he whines about it. We are still enjoying great holidays together. Decisions come to bite at a later stage.

Franklyfrost · 23/08/2021 15:03

Don’t take the sd. You’re allowed not to see her for a couple of weeks, she’s almost an adult. Bring her back a present.

If she asks why she’s not coming say that dd will be in the hotel crèche all day and there’s no equivalent for her age. Obviously talk it down so she doesn’t feel left out.

Skatastic · 23/08/2021 15:08

Only take the littlest and tell DSD whatever you like. She would ruin your fun. I know this from experience.

LittleMysSister · 23/08/2021 15:10

But the only reason you are taking DD is because you have no alternative childcare options, otherwise you wouldn't be taking her either?

You do have alternative childcare options for SD because she's with her mum, and it's also term-time.

I'd have your DP explain to SD that her sister has to come with you as presumably she knows that you don't have any local grandparents/other childcare, but that she'll be in the creche (or whatever) because it's a holiday for you and him to celebrate your wedding together.

Then just do a family holiday in the school holidays with everyone.

callmeadoctor · 23/08/2021 15:10

Your partner has certainly taken the easy way out though by leaving you to sort out what is basically his decision. It is his daughter after all.

minipie · 23/08/2021 15:14

What (if any) are the childcare options for the 3 year old if you did consider leaving her at home? Is there anyone you could leave her with if the holiday was, say, a week instead of two?

If you have that option then I would do that. To me a two week honeymoon with a 3 year old is definitely not as appealing as a 1 week honeymoon without. and obviously this then solves the SC dilemma.

GetMeOut22 · 23/08/2021 15:17

Maybe delay such an expensive honeymoon for a few years? It's a bit off, my own parents took me everywhere and while I wasn't always on my best behaviour, especially between the ages of 12-16, I did have a nice time, I always learned a lot and enjoyed it and I look back at it very fondly.

I think it will send a very strong message that she is excluded and he is having a jolly with his new family.

TootTootTootToot · 23/08/2021 15:19

I’d offer to take her. Otherwise it’s just such a slap in the face for her to be excluded. From her point of view you will have spent all the family money on a holiday she is not allowed to come on.

Her bad behavior and stroppiness is another issue. If you have to change the holiday to accommodate that then do so but you need to invite her.

Lightisnotwhite · 23/08/2021 15:19

Tell the 15 year you are going away for your honeymoon and that you are only going so you can have sex all day everyday for two weeks, whilst her step sister is in daycare.
Should be enough to put her off.

Youseethethingis · 23/08/2021 15:25

"15 year old child, would you like to come on your Dad and SMs honeymoon?"

"What the fuck dad, no, can't believe you even asked that, so embarrassing" stomps off

Where is the dilemma? Confused

vivainsomnia · 23/08/2021 15:25

They have to take their toddler with them
No they don't! A few posters need to read the OP again. OP is very clear that she doesn't want to leave her DD behind. It is absolutely not a honeymoon but a holiday.

She hasn't been abroad for years, so we can assume neither has the SD. Not sure what holidays they had in the UK, but if it's been centered around the little one, it would explain why the teenager has not been acting over the moon.

There really is no proper excuse to go on such a long honeymoon when they otherwise can't afford to all go abroad even for a few days. It doesn't balance out. The 15yo is unlikely to be stupid. She will know that it really is a holiday that ultimately, OP got her way, to enjoy a luxurious holiday with HER family, excluding the annoying teenager. The older children are not bothered to see their dad any longer, it won't be long after next year that the 15yo will follow suite if this is how his previous children are treated.

If he was a caring father, he would insist on one week honeymoon and one nice holiday the 4 of them.

rookiemere · 23/08/2021 15:27

I assume some of these posts are a joke.

Telling a 15 year old who is already feeling displaced and unwanted that the reason they can't come on holiday with their DF and DSM is because they're planning to have a lot of sex is beyond ridiculous.

Besides anything else the 15 year old would probably relish the solitude in their swanky hotel room.

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