Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

[Honeymare]

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

@Honeymare

It was horrible when I was ill. The older siblings ignored it / me entirely, didn't even text when my parent died. The 15 yo was around a lot but if she was inconvenienced in any way (I'm talking she once had to stand on a hospital corridor beside her sister sleeping the buggy while I picked up my stuff after hours of chemo) she would make a huge passive aggressive drama out of it. I caught her recording me once, I can't be sure but I suspected it was to show her family members what I looked like (not good; completely bald and extreme weight gain from steroids).

It has been really hard and maybe I'm not being fair based on personal feelings of resentment. Somebody asked upthread if I would leave my own teenage child behind and I honestly think that would be an easier decision as I wouldn't be doubting my own personal motivation.

That's fucking appalling. Honestly I think you're being incredibly kind and giving massive allowances. She's old enough to not be a dick. You're a far better person than me.

Go enjoy your honeymoon, you're not going to make her like you or be nice to her sister, you're not going to make her enjoy her time with you or feel any different about you and your child. You could take her on holiday to the fucking moon, it would not change a thing. So do not make yourself miserable to try to make her happy when it won't work.

Allow yourself some guilt free happiness, you've tried enough, you deserve something for yourself.

@YouMeandtheSpew it's a valid question but nothing like that. She doesn't even resent me. That's the bizarre thing, I'm pretty sure she likes me. Herself and her sisters seem to be completely tunnel visioned. I don't take it personally as they are openly like this with everybody. (Their mum seems similar so I guess it works for them.) They are hugely resentful of there being a fourth child and therefore 'the money being split four ways.'

No controversial backstory, no affair. Their mum ended the marriage. Two years later I met him.

@YouMeandtheSpew

Sorry if it’s an unacceptable question but why does she resent you SO much? What’s the backstory?

I only ask because I have a friend who would tell you that her teenage stepchildren are vile to her and the young children she has with their father. She would omit to mention that she and their father had an affair (at work - and both got fired from their jobs for it), she got pregnant during the course of the affair and their dad left their mother - it was all awful and very messy with their mother ringing my friend up in tears pleading with her not to break up their home.

I’m very much of the view that both parties to an affair are equally culpable but the children see her as the witch that broke up their home which is understandable at their age.

God why does there always have to be a back story involving the stepmother being the other woman? Maybe the teen is just a brat, just because?

OP please go and enjoy your lovely honeymoon. You deserve it.

I don't mind the other woman question, my nest friend's dad left for his other woman when we were teens, my friend calls her 'the whore' to this day.

I'm a stepchild and would have understood that I wouldn't be invited on a honeymoon. I think you should just go and take the youngest. Your stepchild will moan regardless of your choice so better that 3 of you enjoy the holiday than nobody

Honestly OP, it sounds like you've really been through the mill. Okay, DSD is a teen. But that doesn't give her a 'get out of jail free card' from being a basically decent human being. I was a DSD (until my beloved DSD died 18 months ago) and I'll be gaining 3 grown-up DSC in the not too distant future - so I do get some of the dynamics (i'm now ashamed to say I wasn't nice to DF when he first came on the scene, but I got over it in a year or so) but even so, her behaviour towards you during your cancer treatment and generally towards her tiny, little sister is disgusting. Completely disgusting. I'd be so disappointed if I was her parent.

Have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon with the DSD. You deserve all the happiness you can, so grab it with both hands. Sounds like DSD won't be happy whatever you do, so stop pandering to her and tip-toeing around her. I can hardly believe she was so callous and almost sociopathic to film you at your worst during chemo. No words.

Without the DSD it should say!

@ActonSquirrel

It isn't a honeymoon if you're taking dc with you. You already have children and live together so why bother the expense tbh.

Why bother? Because the OP has had aggressive cancer treatment and wants to her honeymoon to be special?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I didn’t say there ‘always has’ to be. But behaviour always has an explanation - and the breakdown of the parents’ marriage is one potential explanation for vile behaviour towards the stepmother and any subsequent children from stepchildren. And in that situation I think it’s an incredibly difficult dynamic that requires a lot of delicacy and a lot of introspection from the parents.

(I also know someone personally who talks a lot about being a victim of her stepchildren’s behaviour without acknowledging the ways in which they have been victims of her behaviour.)

But the OP’s said that isn’t the case and her partner’s relationship with her SD’s mother was long dead before she met him so the dynamic doesn’t have that sensitivity. And it sounds like the explanation for the behaviour is that the SD has been raised to be very materialistic.

Bit weird to take a DSD 15, any teen, on your honeymoon so I don't think anyone will be too bothered if you don't invite her.

I doubt she'll want to go anyway

I certainly wouldn't be taking my teens on a honeymoon with me.

Leave her behind and don't give it a second thought. Enjoy your honeymoon.

I really hope you do have your amazing honeymoon and ignore the “stepmums are evil” brigade. You’ve been incredibly sick and deserve to have this amazing experience.
If you didn’t have a child very few people would be insisting you take your step daughter let alone the other adult children so the fact you have a 3 year old you cannot leave is irrelevant.

I dont understand why your partner is giving you the choice, doesn't he want his daughter to come with you? If so then it is up to him to sort it. Why is this just your decision?

It is YOUR honeymoon! Children should not be even with you during this time. And all them people who say you know he has a child etc .. this is NOT a little kid. She is a teen.

So she'll be 16 by the time you go? nah leave her i stopped going away with my own parents around then

was obviousl holidays not honeymoon

I dont think it will scar her

@callmeadoctor

I dont understand why your partner is giving you the choice, doesn't he want his daughter to come with you? If so then it is up to him to sort it. Why is this just your decision?

Because they have to agree, not just one person overrule the other. That is natural in relationships.

I'm so sorry about your cancer treatment. I'm so glad your fiancé wants to put you first and that your luxury honeymoon can be a brilliant time for you both. Please go and enjoy yourselves. Your DSD should not expect to be invited to your honeymoon. Just as your fiancé's older children do not expect to be invited.

Enjoy your time with your little and new husband.

Xxxxxx

Yanbu op.
Go!💐
Have your honeymoon and have no regrets,no doubts and accept no criticism.
This is about you and your husband to be reconnecting and celebrating your marriage.
Early congratulations.Have a wonderful time.🌈

YANBU.

Go on your honeymoon.

I know what it is like to be a step-child and left out. I would never have expected to go on a honeymoon though. There is a massive difference between having to take a young child due to childcare and a teen who does not need looking after.

She sounds strangely cold towards your daughter. She can't tolerate your daughter so you have to stay away when she is over. She can't have it both ways. If she wants to treat your daughter so poorly she can't then expect to be invited on a honeymoon where you won't be able to spend time with your husband due to her poor behaviour towards your child. 15 is old enough to learn that your actions have consequences.

Please enjoy it guilt free.

Op your stepdaughter sounds fucking awful. I’m sorry but she does. I have teenagers and I know they’re still kids and can be a PITA at times but she sounds truly horrible. She’s far too old at 15 to behave this way. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Go without her and don’t give it a second thought.

I don't understand why people keep saying if the step daughter was the OPs dd she'd have to take her...... Because if my own dd had kept that act up towards myself whilst I was going through cancer treatment no way in hell would I be taking her.

And the OP shouldn't give this anymore thought. I hope she has an amazing time. And I hope the stepdaughter realises how pathetic this behaviour is and grows the hell up.

After catching up with all your posts, and others' posts, my next suggestion is to downgrade your honeymoon destination to somewhere you SD would not like to go but that still has good child care clubs etc. Then you can invite her along, she'll refuse because it sounds too low class for her, you can go (with DD) and have something approaching the honeymoon you both envisaged.

I have to say that your fiancé's older children all seem to have been brought up somewhat lacking in finesse, to put it politely! Very self-centred. I wouldn't actually want your SD around your toddler much at all, if that's the way she feels about her. It's very destructive.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

I don't understand why people keep saying if the step daughter was the OPs dd she'd have to take her...... Because if my own dd had kept that act up towards myself whilst I was going through cancer treatment no way in hell would I be taking her.

And the OP shouldn't give this anymore thought. I hope she has an amazing time. And I hope the stepdaughter realises how pathetic this behaviour is and grows the hell up.

Agreed - I wouldn't be rewarding my own teen for that sort of behaviour either.

There is no way I'd be taking her after your updates OP.

Id be wanting to protect my own child first and foremost. And secondly, her treatment of you when you were ill. Horrid.

What did your fiance say about this? Does he even pull her up on anything at all?

I couldn't stomach being around someone who was making my small child feel that way, whether they were a child or not so you're a better person than I am.