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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:18

It was horrible when I was ill. The older siblings ignored it / me entirely, didn't even text when my parent died. The 15 yo was around a lot but if she was inconvenienced in any way (I'm talking she once had to stand on a hospital corridor beside her sister sleeping the buggy while I picked up my stuff after hours of chemo) she would make a huge passive aggressive drama out of it. I caught her recording me once, I can't be sure but I suspected it was to show her family members what I looked like (not good; completely bald and extreme weight gain from steroids).

It has been really hard and maybe I'm not being fair based on personal feelings of resentment. Somebody asked upthread if I would leave my own teenage child behind and I honestly think that would be an easier decision as I wouldn't be doubting my own personal motivation.

OP posts:
Larryyourwaiter · 23/08/2021 20:18

Ridiculous that people are telling OP that her honeymoon isn’t her honeymoon because DD is going.
If you consider it your honeymoon then it is.

Taking toddler and having childcare options for lots of alone time is completely different to having to entertain a 15 year old all day.

I’ve never had the option to leave my DD which people on MN can’t seem to believe. Don’t let that deny you having the honeymoon you want. If you let SDD come you are limiting yourself to next summer also as I assume she is a GCSE year?

Puppalicious · 23/08/2021 20:18

I would find it really difficult to be around the SD at all. Never mind bringing her on my honeymoon! My maternal instinct to protect my small child’s emotions and self esteem would kick in, so you’re being a bigger woman than I might be able to be. I would keep an eye on this, to protect your daughter.

MorganKitten · 23/08/2021 20:22

Herself and her (full) sisters often didn't holiday together over the years for various reasons.

Do you get on with her siblings, your other SC?

Saoirse82 · 23/08/2021 20:23

I've read the full thread and initially said I think you should bring her, however when I read about the treatment of your DD and how DSD is making her feel unsure of herself around her I think that's really mean to a child so small and just desperately wants her big sisters approval. Another poster suggested offering to take her or seeing if she'd prefer the money, would this be an option, especially if you think she might prefer the money? You definitely don't sound like the typical wicked step mother that can be found on these type of threads, I don't think there's much more any of us could do if in your shoes, sounds like you have tried hard with her.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/08/2021 20:35

@Saoirse82

I've read the full thread and initially said I think you should bring her, however when I read about the treatment of your DD and how DSD is making her feel unsure of herself around her I think that's really mean to a child so small and just desperately wants her big sisters approval. Another poster suggested offering to take her or seeing if she'd prefer the money, would this be an option, especially if you think she might prefer the money? You definitely don't sound like the typical wicked step mother that can be found on these type of threads, I don't think there's much more any of us could do if in your shoes, sounds like you have tried hard with her.
OMG do not give her money in lieu of a holiday. It sounds like she's been vile and does not deserve it.
opaleyes2 · 23/08/2021 20:36

You really should have thought about this before booking a 2 week holiday. Has to be both kids as a holiday or neither for a proper honeymoon.
It isn't exactly a steamy wedding night when you have to creep around trying not to disturb children.

pecanmix · 23/08/2021 20:37

@Honeymare

It was horrible when I was ill. The older siblings ignored it / me entirely, didn't even text when my parent died. The 15 yo was around a lot but if she was inconvenienced in any way (I'm talking she once had to stand on a hospital corridor beside her sister sleeping the buggy while I picked up my stuff after hours of chemo) she would make a huge passive aggressive drama out of it. I caught her recording me once, I can't be sure but I suspected it was to show her family members what I looked like (not good; completely bald and extreme weight gain from steroids).

It has been really hard and maybe I'm not being fair based on personal feelings of resentment. Somebody asked upthread if I would leave my own teenage child behind and I honestly think that would be an easier decision as I wouldn't be doubting my own personal motivation.

That is awful 😢
sunglassesonthetable · 23/08/2021 20:38

It has been really hard and maybe I'm not being fair based on personal feelings of resentment. Somebody asked upthread if I would leave my own teenage child behind and I honestly think that would be an easier decision as I wouldn't be doubting my own personal motivation.

So sorry OP it does sound really hard. ThanksWine

bellabasset · 23/08/2021 20:40

Dsd has her mother and siblings and she will do activities with them. She clearly has no interest in her little half sibling so I wouldn't even consider taking her. Instead I get her df to arrange a long weekend at an event she wants to go to with just her df. I think that the odd weekend with him building her relationship with him would be more valuable to her in the long run

LadyMaid · 23/08/2021 20:41

I have never once been on holiday with my dad or stepmother.
I have never been included in half siblings birthday parties.

Hasn't affected me the slightest.

They are a different family to mine.

Just because you are blood related, doesn't mean you have to be close emotionally.

Enjoy your honeymoon OP. Don't give anyone who isn't happy for your any headspace.

You deserve a nice break.

opaleyes2 · 23/08/2021 20:41

OMG just saw the latest update. I take back what I said above about bring both or neither. Take your DD and leave SD behind. It isn't like you have anything to lose at this point because she has made it abundantly clear she doesn't like you or her half sister anyway.

I feel awful saying this about a child be she sounds horrid!

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:42

@opaleyes2

You really should have thought about this before booking a 2 week holiday. Has to be both kids as a holiday or neither for a proper honeymoon. It isn't exactly a steamy wedding night when you have to creep around trying not to disturb children.
Well we haven't booked it yet so it's still up for a total rehaul. I don't need a steamy wedding night, I was thinking more of getting 3 year old off to kids club so we could spend our afternoons together in the pool, chatting, reading, working out together.
OP posts:
LimpLettice · 23/08/2021 20:43

Please don't take her away, OP, don't subject your little one to 2 solid weeks of that. I don't care if she's 15, feels pushed out, or whatever, treating a tiny girl like that is horrible. And please don't drop your honeymoon for years! What a mad suggestion. The older kids are the same? So she'll not grow out of it, nor is it just her age. She's being enabled by her parents, as are they.

And you've recovered from horrible chemo and cancer, to be treated and watch your child treated like that? Nope. I think your DH needs to talk to her. Not you. He should be aghast at her attitude to your small DC - they are both his children. You shouldn't have to give it this much thought.

DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 20:45

She recorded you when you were so ill? I wouldn't have her in the house again.

opaleyes2 · 23/08/2021 20:45

I was thinking more of getting 3 year old off to kids club so we could spend our afternoons together in the pool, chatting, reading, working out together.

There is your answer then.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 23/08/2021 20:46

Oh, OP, I think you're being much sweeter than you have any business being, with everything you've gone through. I didn't think much of your stepdaughter before; the covert filming has absolutely decided me. Go on your honeymoon with husband and your three-year-old and don't think any more of it. Much love.

opaleyes2 · 23/08/2021 20:46

@DancesWithTortoises

She recorded you when you were so ill? I wouldn't have her in the house again.
Agreed. Appalling.
HawksAreRed · 23/08/2021 20:46

Just read your updates OP and the situation sounds awful, I'm so sad for your young DD.

I've changed my tune tbh and I doubt not taking her would make the relationship any worse than it already is. Don't take her and don't feel bad. This situation didn't start with you.

Is family counseling an option do you think?

Derbee · 23/08/2021 20:49

@Honeymare you have had such a tough time. Go on your honeymoon, and enjoy yourself. You know how important life is. You can’t spend your life pussy footing around a difficult 15 year old. You’ll have plenty of other times to holiday together etc.

Go on your honeymoon. Take advantage of kids clubs, and have a lovely time with your DH without feeling guilty. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.

YouMeandtheSpew · 23/08/2021 20:49

Sorry if it’s an unacceptable question but why does she resent you SO much? What’s the backstory?

I only ask because I have a friend who would tell you that her teenage stepchildren are vile to her and the young children she has with their father. She would omit to mention that she and their father had an affair (at work - and both got fired from their jobs for it), she got pregnant during the course of the affair and their dad left their mother - it was all awful and very messy with their mother ringing my friend up in tears pleading with her not to break up their home.

I’m very much of the view that both parties to an affair are equally culpable but the children see her as the witch that broke up their home which is understandable at their age.

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:50

@MorganKitten

Herself and her (full) sisters often didn't holiday together over the years for various reasons.

Do you get on with her siblings, your other SC?

I know that post about the other siblings holidays was confusing. What I meant was that they don't always holiday all together with their mum or other family members. There are three of them, it would not be unusual for none, one, two or three to go on holiday sign their mum, her partner, an auntie, a grandparent. So my OH was saying DSD wouldn't necessarily find it strange for her sister to be going on the holiday without her as she herself has been on plenty of holidays without her sisters and vice versa.
OP posts:
Marni83 · 23/08/2021 20:51

Again
The person I least favour in this scenario is the limo lettuce of a fiancé and husband

NigellaSeed · 23/08/2021 20:51

@PolypGrunterPulpit

Take the 3yo if you have no childcare options but I don't think it's the right sort of trip for a teen, especially a hostile one. It makes no difference that it's going to be more like the posh holidays she prefers - it's not for her, it's for you and DH, and your little one is only going too because there's no one else to care for her. Let her get her posh resort fix with her mum's family, and if she wants to come on your next regular holiday so be it. I def wouldn't be letting her call the shots over your honeymoon!
I agree with this
offanon · 23/08/2021 20:51

Is it 2 weeks? You cant leave a 3 year old for that length of time

No way

Go during term time. A 15 year old cant be ofd school at this critical time before GCSEs

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