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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 19:41

Good advice @sunglassesonthetable thank you. I think I just spent so many month miserable in hospital I made myself too many promises about all the nice things I would do if I got out. But I got out and it turns out the real world is still here with all its complications.

OP posts:
Peacrock · 23/08/2021 19:42

It's not overly unusual for a teenager to feel like that about a young child to be honest, full sibling or step sibling, the teenage years are often...interesting. Does your DH do anything alone with her? I think that's probably more telling re her feeling pushed out than if she's invited or not. Chances are she wouldn't want to go anyway.

OswaldOwl · 23/08/2021 19:42

If your DSD is hurt, it won’t be a great start to your married life. And even if she doesn’t seem hurt at the time, in years to come when you ever row with her, right into adulthood, she’ll be able to say “and you left me at home on your honeymoon”.

I really wouldn’t. Do something as a family this time, where there are loads of activities to keep both DC occupied.

On your 5th anniversary, do the fortnight’s trip. The 8 year old can be left with relatives by then, and 20 year old will have left home and won’t care. You’ll still have your lovely time xxx

Peacrock · 23/08/2021 19:43

I don't mean the last bit savagely, but if she isn't overly keen on spending time with her sibling I can't imagine she'll be jumping at the chance to spend a holiday with her. Perhaps your DH can suggest some stuff they can do together at some point though?

HeckyPeck · 23/08/2021 19:44

@ThinWomansBrain

Apart from her sounding like an ungracious PITA - wouldn't most teenagers find a parents' honeymoon a bit cringeworthy?
Exactly!
Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 19:49

@Peacrock yes DSD and her DF do lots together on their own, sports, projects, movies. I've been encouraging it recently so myself and DC are mainly away or doing our own thing a lot of the time when we have DSD. I've also been doing some stuff alone with DSD so she doesn't feel everything is all about DC.

That's what is upsetting me about the holiday. I won't get any time with my DH because DSD won't tolerate DC.

To the posters saying it's not unusual for a teenager to not enjoy toddlers I know that (although some definitely do) but I'm talking about not putting her hand out to catch her if she's falling level of ignoring as "it's not her child".

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 23/08/2021 19:50

I agree with @HeckyPeck. Teenagers know what honeymoons are and would find it really uncomfortable. 3 y-o doesn't have a clue and can be put into childcare while you have your lovely time. Do you think she expects to be asked? It isn't "a holiday", it's your honeymoon, but you can't just leave a 3 year old in the house alone and 3 yo has both parents going, which is not the same for DSD.

pecanmix · 23/08/2021 19:50

How does your 3 year old react to being ignored like that? It makes me really sad to think she tries to get her sisters attention and then gets ignored!

Janaih · 23/08/2021 19:51

If she's explicitly stated that she doesn't want anything to do with her half sister then it's fair dos not to invite her.
The relationship with her dad is already damaged. I think the only way to improve it would be for him to spend one to one time with her. A weekend break for just them perhaps?

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 19:52

@vivainsomnia we don't have suitable childcare. My friend is taking her for two nights so we can go to a hotel for two nights.

I don't understand your suggestion about the holiday. My future DH has to go on a separate honeymoon with his daughter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 19:54

@pecanmix

How does your 3 year old react to being ignored like that? It makes me really sad to think she tries to get her sisters attention and then gets ignored!
She adores older sister and was oblivious to the response for the first couple of years but has now become self conscious and unsure of herself when around her. It breaks my heart. I don't want her to grow up thinking this is what loving relationships are.
OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 19:56

OP, please look at the 80% who say don't take her and ignore those insisting you should. That's just potty.

She doesn't like her sister and avoids her, she's rude to you and a mini snob.

Leave the miserable girl at home, don't let her ruin your time together.

Mrstamborineman · 23/08/2021 19:58

It’s your honeymoon, she stays behind. Childcare for 2yo is one thing, a 15 year old will want to join you and is old enough to do so. She will stay up late and it will not be a honeymoon. However MN thinks all sc deserve gold service and how dare you consider them anything less than an utter blessing.

Youseethethingis · 23/08/2021 19:58

I'd not be having her around her sister at all then in that case. Anything you can do to protect your child, you must do it. That's shitty, shitty behaviour no matter whose child you are or how old. My two year old has more empathy for other people's feelings than that Sad

underneaththeash · 23/08/2021 19:58

I wouldn’t take either child.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 19:58

It breaks my heart. I don't want her to grow up thinking this is what loving relationships are

Still want to leave her out of the holiday as her feelings are just as important as the younger ones?

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:00

@Peacrock

I don't mean the last bit savagely, but if she isn't overly keen on spending time with her sibling I can't imagine she'll be jumping at the chance to spend a holiday with her. Perhaps your DH can suggest some stuff they can do together at some point though?
She will still want to come if it's a nice olace. Herself and older siblings are odd like this. They will categorically state they will come if it's something that appeals but make sure you know that's the only reason.

Eg. I bumped into older sibling on street

"Oh hi! What a lovely surprise. I'm meeting my friend for lunch. Would you like to join us? My treat."

"Where are you going"

"New expensive restaurant up here"

"Ok I'll come but only because I like it there"

Every single interaction is like this. I was unnerved when I met them first but this is how they are with everyone and I've found their mum like this so there's no point taking it personally.

OP posts:
Dozer · 23/08/2021 20:01

Think your plans are unfair on DSD, would be much better to go somewhere alone as a couple for a shorter time.

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:01

@icecreamandcandyfloss I don't understand your last post sorry.

OP posts:
maryberryslayers · 23/08/2021 20:02

Jesus Christ op, it's your bloody honeymoon! You are allowed to enjoy it. Especially after all you have been through. Go in term time it will be cheaper and just reiterate that your daughter is coming as she's to young to be left. End of story.
If she really kicks off, just say once she can start treating her sister properly you can all have a nice holiday together. She might see it as not her problem but it's time she learned actions have consequences.
To be honest I wouldn't have her in my home if she couldn't be kind to my small child. She may feel pushed out but that doesn't give her the right to treat others badly.

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 20:03

@Dozer

Think your plans are unfair on DSD, would be much better to go somewhere alone as a couple for a shorter time.
Yes I'm thinking of revising the whole plan.
OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 23/08/2021 20:04

Dh wants to take both off his children and rightly so both or none.maybe don't get married if your gonna start leaving his other child straight after wedding.

HeckyPeck · 23/08/2021 20:04

@DancesWithTortoises

OP, please look at the 80% who say don't take her and ignore those insisting you should. That's just potty.

She doesn't like her sister and avoids her, she's rude to you and a mini snob.

Leave the miserable girl at home, don't let her ruin your time together.

Agreed.
pecanmix · 23/08/2021 20:06

Aw op that's really sad. I would feel the same in your shoes. It would break my heart to see my dd feel like that.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/08/2021 20:08

*Ok I'll come but only because I like it there"

Every single interaction is like this. I was unnerved when I met them first but this is how they are with everyone and I've found their mum like this so there's no point taking it*

God they sound such hard work. Especially with how your LO is treated.

How was it when you were ill?

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