Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

[Honeymare]

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

I don’t know why people keep suggesting the obvious solution is for OP to only go for a week and leave her 3 year old with someone. I have a 6 year old and don’t have anyone that would look after them for 7 days! Not everyone has able (or willing) family for things like this

OP, I think this is a really tricky situation for you. I think DSD will feel excluded. It’s up to you and DH how much you’re worried about that.

Could you consider speaking to DSD to explain that part of your hesitation is the tense relationship with the 3 year old, and that DSD has form for pulling out of holidays at the last minute?

I feel for you, I really do. It's so hard and these situations aren't easy. I am sorry that you have to decide If you go without her will you end up not enjoying your time because you're worrying about how it's perceived? If so, then you won't get maximum enjoyment whichever you choose

PS don't listen to all these comments about leaving the 3 year old! I can't imagine being separated from my baby for a night let alone two weeks.

[quote Honeymare]@mrsm43s I'm not choosing my favourite child, I don't want to take any but have no option with our youngest. My concern is that DSD will interpret it like you have but she's a teenager, no idea what your excuse is.[/quote]
But since you are taking one, (which just happens to be your child), you should take both.

Taking neither so you can have a child free holiday - fine.
Taking one and not the other (especially when its a special holiday with such and important meaning, and one that the left-out child would want to go on) is monumentally unkind, and is not OK on any level.

My "excuse" if you would call it that I have enough empathy to see how much this would hurt an already insecure young girl. I'm shocked that you either can't see that, or don't care.

@coffeealldayandnight

I feel for you, I really do. It's so hard and these situations aren't easy. I am sorry that you have to decide If you go without her will you end up not enjoying your time because you're worrying about how it's perceived? If so, then you won't get maximum enjoyment whichever you choose

Yeah its possible. I am considering taking a PP's advice and revising the whole idea. If we are going to invite her I'm not inviting her to this place. It's too expensive to not get the benefit and I won't.

[quote phishy]@SeemsSoUnfair

So you know him better than OP? Op says he was taken aback that OP thought DSD would be coming and also said he would have preferred a child free holiday.

You seem to be writing your own story in your head.[/quote]
He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy.

Not my story..

@mrsm43s I am showing empathy, hence my hesitation about going ahead with these arrangements.

@Shizen

I don’t know why people keep suggesting the obvious solution is for OP to only go for a week and leave her 3 year old with someone. I have a 6 year old and don’t have anyone that would look after them for 7 days! Not everyone has able (or willing) family for things like this

OP, I think this is a really tricky situation for you. I think DSD will feel excluded. It’s up to you and DH how much you’re worried about that.

Could you consider speaking to DSD to explain that part of your hesitation is the tense relationship with the 3 year old, and that DSD has form for pulling out of holidays at the last minute?

As in, depending on how far away the honeymoon is, maybe explaining it all like this could be the start of encouraging her to try form a relationship with your 3 year old?

OP you've come back and shown a great deal of empathy.

I think reconsidering the holiday type/destination is a good idea. One way round it is to pick one of those luxury Tots Travel type things that focus on having lots of childcare and very young DC centric activities and are usually based in Europe. Something like that could give you a lovely break and DSD would be unlikely to resent missing out on a "babies" holiday.

Could you do a super duper fancy weekend spa break with the husband so it's child free and have your 3 year old stay nearby with family? Then a cheapie beach holiday for all.

I think alot of posters are actually being very unkind to you OP. You are now doubting your right to one single relaxed break for your honeymoon and it's already morphing into something horrible in your head. After all you've been through you absolutely deserve a stress and aggravation free fortnight, which people are determined you should not have.
As their work is done, I'd be booking lots of luxury weekends away just for you and DP, even just one overnight, as often as you can get a sitter for your child. Still a honeymoon, just in smaller doses that everyone can make their peace with.

@Shizen good advice thanks. I did have a couple of sit-downs with her and tried to talk it out. She kept agreeing with me that she knew she was just as important as DC and that she knew I cared about her and treated them equally. Her reasoning was that she just didn't like her younger DC, want to be close to her or have anything to do with her. She acknowledged that made it difficult for everyone in the house but said it wasn't her concern or her problem to deal with. After much back and forth she eventually said she would make an effort. Her behaviour did change a little in that she now says hello and goodbye when prompted but that is it.

There have been many many instances where we have attempted to bring them together but she won't get involved on any level; be that holding her hand when I was too weak from surgery to pick her up or giving her a hug when her little sister tries. It's a no-go area.

I am so upset by it all i don't know if there is any point approaching it again with her. She is entitled to her opinion, I don't like it but I accept it.

@coffeealldayandnight

Could you do a super duper fancy weekend spa break with the husband so it's child free and have your 3 year old stay nearby with family? Then a cheapie beach holiday for all.

This could be the best option I think.

@Honeymare Hopefully she will grow out of it.

It isn't a honeymoon if you're taking dc with you. You already have children and live together so why bother the expense tbh.

@Honeymare

We don't have a suitable childcare option to leave DC so I've found a resort that is luxury with loads of childcare support. It is way beyond our normal holiday budget hence my heavy deliberating about our holiday experience.

Sorry I should have included DF's opinion; he ideally wants us to leave all DC and have a proper honeymoon but agrees the childcare options aren't suitable. He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy.

The thing is I know most of DSD's behaviour is coming from a place of anxiety at being replaced, she's a young 15 and not very fair to hold her accountable. I know it would send a strong message that she's as important as our DC to include her in the plans. But I know I won't have a good time.

So my dilemma really is do the right thing or do the selfish thing.

Do the selfish thing. Yes she will be experiencing anxieties however, the way she is treating her sibling is not on. I'll bet your own dc really looks up to her and gets rewarded by being ignored and 'forced' to speak to her. That's not on.

Sorry, my view is, it's your honeymoon, you go with your hubby and dc and enjoy it.

Maybe another family holiday can include dsd next time, IF she stops being so downright rude to her sibling.

Good luck OP.

Whatever you do she won't be happy- leave her at home and she won't like it. Take her with you and she'll upset your youngest and spoil your honeymoon.
Tell her you're not taking her because you think 2 weeks of her being with your youngest 24/7 will be too much for her to put up with, book your youngest into kids club and have a bloody good honeymoon! And don't feel guilty about it.

@coffeealldayandnight

Could you do a super duper fancy weekend spa break with the husband so it's child free and have your 3 year old stay nearby with family? Then a cheapie beach holiday for all.

Which she will probably choose not to come to, but at least she’s had the choice and you can still do the holiday club and sunbathe or whatever else people do on these holidays (it’s been a while since we could afford one 😂)

@mrsm43s I'm not choosing my favourite child, I don't want to take any but have no option with our youngest. My concern is that DSD will interpret it like you have but she's a teenager, no idea what your excuse is.

She will interpret it like that. If she's anything like my teens she'll take it in the worst possible way.

Don't do it to yourself. I feel gutted for you and your lovely honeymoon but personally I can't see it will ever be worth it. Not in the big picture.

Def don't book the super plush thing. The stakes will all just get higher and so will the emotional pressure.

You are taking the feelings of the 3 yr old child into consideration and you must take the feelings of the 15 year old child into consideration too.

And I know she's 15, but anyone who knows anything about kids, knows that means they can be higher maintenance than a 3 year old ( particularly if they are insecure)

I want you to have a lovely honeymoon OP but the season of life that you are in - with a 3 yr old who can't be left and a difficult 15 yr old who should come as well, just begs the question if that sort of honeymoon is really possible right now.

Dumb it all down and cut it to a week. And PROMISE yourself a proper honeymoon next year or so.

My Dad and stepmum had a baby when they had their honeymoon. They took the baby but not the rest of us.

I was a teen at that time and would have though it was bloody weird for them to invite me.

At that age she'll know all about sex and "honeymoon periods" etc and would probably find it incredibly awkward to even be invited!

OP, you can't force a teenager to enjoy the presence of a toddler, even one related to them. It's not uncommon for kids that age to feel that all toddlers are is annoying, and feel no connection. It will change in time. You are doing the right thing not to push it.

The solution really is for you to go on a nice holiday with your OH and DD for a week or 10 days, and then your OH takes his daughter away on a week's holiday, somewhere abroad, doing something they would both enjoy.

What matters is that she doesn't feel her father is only doing the minimum with her whilst investing all his time, money and efforts on you and your joint DD. This is what hurts and would make her step away from him, like it sounds his eldest children have done.

I'm not choosing my favourite child, I don't want to take any but have no option with our youngest
Ummmm, that's not at all what you said in your first post. You made it clear you didn't want to be away from her and that's what you were intending to take her.

I do feel for your situation OP, it's totally shit. It's clear that you've been really thoughtful about this but unfortunately I really don't think you should leave her behind if you are taking the other child. Leaving her behind will further damage the relationship with her sibling and probably her father too. I think its both or neither but I can understand the dilemma.