Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

[Honeymare]

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

@Lindtnotlint

Some reflections

1. It’s not true that the 3yo will be in childcare all the time, and DSD will know that. There will be lovely strolls along the beach holding 3 yo hand etc. Gorgeous. But clearly exclusionary.
2. It’s not true that DSD couldn’t have fun. I bet this resort has scuba diving and kayaking and a games room and and and...

So really the only leg you have to stand on is that you have no other alternative child care for the three year old. But the only reason that’s true is because you have chosen a two week trip. You need to go just for the amount of time you can leave your three year old for (eg a week?). Otherwise you are basically deliberately constructing a situation where you are “forced” to go on a holiday of a lifetime with your lovely 3 yo and leave your DSD out.

Finally, I get that her behaviour is problematic. But imagine she is your own daughter - you don’t “punish” a kid by leaving them out of your once in a lifetime family holiday.

I write all of this as someone who still hasn’t had a honeymoon because my kids have always been too young to be left. That’s life unfortunately! Am looking forward to doing it as part of our 10 year anniversary!

Thankfully OP has a different fate to you and has a lovely honeymoon in store for her.

Would she even want to go on a 'honeymoon' with you all?

As a step child I was left out of holidays with my dad and step mum. It felt weird but I thought it didn’t scar me for life and was probably better to not spend to much time with my step mum anyway. But it was the really nice holidays I missed out on. I think it’s worth thinking about the effect on the SD but doesn’t necessarily mean you should invite her. Just be considerate of her feelings

@Honeymare

We don't have a suitable childcare option to leave DC so I've found a resort that is luxury with loads of childcare support. It is way beyond our normal holiday budget hence my heavy deliberating about our holiday experience.

Sorry I should have included DF's opinion; he ideally wants us to leave all DC and have a proper honeymoon but agrees the childcare options aren't suitable. He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy.

The thing is I know most of DSD's behaviour is coming from a place of anxiety at being replaced, she's a young 15 and not very fair to hold her accountable. I know it would send a strong message that she's as important as our DC to include her in the plans. But I know I won't have a good time.

So my dilemma really is do the right thing or do the selfish thing.

You know her issue is insecurity on being replaced….so you want to replace her abs prove her right.

Do the right thing.

I’m so glad my stepmother never pushed me out no matter how I acted up due to insecurity.

Feel for you OP.

She sounds bloody hard work. Just like my 14 yr old. Wish I could leave him at home tbh.

BUT it is what it is. I think you have to offer to take her. If your DH takes one child he has to take both. That is the ONLY thing she will remember. No matter to honeymoon, child care, kids clubs etc etc

Personally I would down grade the holiday to 1 week and less plush. And look forward and plan for another totally child free week next year when LO can be left more easily.

I know it's not what you had in mind OP but life doesn't always fall neatly into place. You've been through the mill and you've been looking forward to the holiday but your OH has 2 DC not 1.

@phishy

Glad DH is on board!

Stop worrying and have a lovely time with DH and 3yo.

There will be other opportunities to build a bond with DSD, a honeymoon is a one-off.

He's not on board, he wanted his dd there but has been emotionally manipulated. The op has got her own way and got her first family holiday in years with her own little ideal family only and the dsd is acceptable collateral damage to him.

The good news for the op is they are unlikely to see much of the inconvenient dsd in the future once she is an adult and realises her dad allows her to be excluded to keep the peace.

Is the much older sibling who has moved out getting an invite to your honeymoon too?

I think you should invite her too, and your mother-in-law to make it extra special.

In all honesty I am of the opinion that you do what is best for you core household members.
The other children can be involved in future holidays.

You only get one honeymoon.

@SeemsSoUnfair

So you know him better than OP? Op says he was taken aback that OP thought DSD would be coming and also said he would have preferred a child free holiday.

You seem to be writing your own story in your head.

LadyMaid the OP’s fiancé may have got 2!

* In all honesty I am of the opinion that you do what is best for your core household members*

I bloody hope the father regards his daughter as a “core” household member rather than “other children”

Well @LadyMaid OPs DP will be having his second honeymoon.

I would take the older one and make her babysit on holiday

@vivainsomnia

I don't understand why this is creating such debate when there is such an obvious and simple solution: GO FOR ONE WEEK AND THEN ENJOY A WEEK FAMILY HOLIDAY.

The only reason this wouldn't be an option is OP wanting a long holiday without her SD whatever the justification.

Exactly this

Going for a week and leaving our DC isn't an option, I never stated it was and typing in caps won't change that. We would still be taking our smallie and leaving DSD.

@gogohm

I would take the older one and make her babysit on holiday

Absolutely no chance of this unfortunately.

@Jerseygirl12

LadyMaid the OP’s fiancé may have got 2!

What a nasty post.

I think that “nasty post” was a joke.

Surely you either take the children of the family, or you don't take the children of the family. You don't pick your favourite child to take, and leave the other one behind.

So all or none. You say leaving your 3yo at home isn't an option, so therefore it must be both. Anything else is unkind beyond belief. Your SD comes as part of the package with your DF. If you're not prepared to take her on and treat her as the full member of your family that she is, then please do not marry your DF.

@Flipflop87

As a step child I was left out of holidays with my dad and step mum. It felt weird but I thought it didn’t scar me for life and was probably better to not spend to much time with my step mum anyway. But it was the really nice holidays I missed out on. I think it’s worth thinking about the effect on the SD but doesn’t necessarily mean you should invite her. Just be considerate of her feelings

Thanks for this. Did you go on any holidays with them? Would it have been weird to go on some but not all?

There was a thread some time back that has stuck in my head. An adult step child was reflecting on her younger life. Her dad remarried and had kids. They went on lots of camping holidays and always invited her but she never wanted to go and opted to stay with her mum. When she was 18 they went to Disneyland but didn't invite her. She said she wanted to go but they said it would be too expensive. She was devastated.

I'm worried about this being similar. We will probably go on a sun holiday regardless next year when travel opens up, she will be invited on that.

We will probably go on a sun holiday regardless next year when travel opens up, she will be invited on that

Is that meant to make her feel better from being excluded from the luxury trip that her half sibling gets to go on?

I know you probably don't want to hear this but I really think you should take her, or at least offer to take her, otherwise there's real risk of her behaviour towards you getting even more hostile in the future. So as much as you don't want her to come, realistically it will somewhat make life easier in the long term. I can imagine a 15 year old being hurt by this, a time when everything is taken so personally and she's probably only mean because she wants acceptance. Of course I could be wrong about potential consequences, but as a teacher we see this behaviour all the time in teenagers who feel vulnerable and the more left out they feel, the worse it gets. 15 is really young still. But obviously. Imo if she isn't invited then it's really drawing a line between your real child and your step child /just my opinion though. Good luck and have a great time no matter what you choose

@mrsm43s I'm not choosing my favourite child, I don't want to take any but have no option with our youngest. My concern is that DSD will interpret it like you have but she's a teenager, no idea what your excuse is.

Sorry hope that makes some sense!And by the way, it's really nice you're torn on this. Shoes you have real respect for her and the situation. Many people wouldn't even consider it xx

Apart from her sounding like an ungracious PITA - wouldn't most teenagers find a parents' honeymoon a bit cringeworthy?

@coffeealldayandnight I am also a teacher and i agree with you actually. I think my OH is quite naive about how things can be interpreted.

I really don't know what to do. As this is an anonymous forum I am being honest in saying it's not an enjoyable holiday for me having to work around DSD's treatment of our smallie but I always get on with it. This time I just really wanted to have a genuine break for ourselves - throw toddler in kids club and spend time together.