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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/08/2021 15:57

The whole thread seems remarkably similar to the one a few weeks ago where the SM was concerned about taking her DSD to Disney.

Apparently labelling a family holiday as a honeymoon makes it entirely different for some.

Lweji · 23/08/2021 15:59

@rookiemere

The whole thread seems remarkably similar to the one a few weeks ago where the SM was concerned about taking her DSD to Disney.

Apparently labelling a family holiday as a honeymoon makes it entirely different for some.

My thoughts too...
Stompythedinosaur · 23/08/2021 15:59

Not if the honeymoon is including one sibling and excluding another. Surely you can see how that will feel to a child who is likely already feeling pushed out by their dad's new family?

fruitbrewhaha · 23/08/2021 16:00

when are you intending to go OP.

It's already been said but just go in school time, it will be much cheaper, presumably your DD can just share a room with you whereas if you take dsd she'd have to have a room so will bump up the cost considerably. Tell her you can't afford to go in summer hols and take her with you. Which is, from what you've said, true.

Youseethethingis · 23/08/2021 16:03

Labelling a honeymoon a honeymoon makes it a honeymoon to some.

OswaldOwl · 23/08/2021 16:04

Can’t you leave your 3 year old and just go for 1 week?

OswaldOwl · 23/08/2021 16:05

@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea

There's a lot going on here.

I'm sorry you've been so ill and have had to endure horrible treatment. It sounds to me as if the whole wedding, and especially the honeymoon, is very much tied up in that promise of better times ahead - your 'reward' for coming through that awful time. And of course you deserve a lovely time after all that.

But I do think this is where things get tricky - the intertwinement of that wish of yours with complex family relationships. In all honesty, I see a 'honeymoon' in a relationship where there's already a shared life and children - which the marriage is only formalising - as a little out of place, especially when a young child is going along too. I also agree that a 3yo is too young to be left, but she may well also be too young to be put in kids' clubs for extended periods (or simply not like it/want to spend time with her parents etc). It does seem to me that the experience may not be what you are longing for even without the DSD issues. And I do think leaving her out has the potential to do massive damage. 12 is not an easy age to acquire a half-sibling your father lives with full-time. It may well be that her snobbery (which I think she does need a gentle but direct chat about, btw) has something to do with pushing down uncomfortable feelings of being on the outside/having been replaced, and convincing herself as well as everyone else that she's still OK in life. So - even though you've had an incredibly tough time - I don't think it entitles you to put that kind of strain on your relationship with her and hers with her father.

If it were me? I'm sorry to say I'd give up the whole idea. I'd fill me need for self-care by having a long weekend somewhere lovely with a close friend (while your dd stays at home with her father). I'd have a lovely wedding, the two hotel nights (is childcare in place for those?) and then a nice family holiday at an appropriate time, and save some of the resort budget for a big holiday when both the children are older.

This with bells on
tenredthings · 23/08/2021 16:09

I always take a friend for my DC. Single teens on holiday in my experience can be a pain in the ass. I would book in school time and not take her and say DD is going to an on-site crèche every day because it's your Homeymoon and not a family holiday !

TrifleCat · 23/08/2021 16:09

Taking one child and not the other is a surefire way to cause resentment and make the DSD feel pushed out.

This kid is 15 and her dad has remarried and started another family - the way you handle this could ensure she feels part of that family, or not.

Jerseygirl12 · 23/08/2021 16:13

On these threads there’s always a reason why the poster absolutely has to take their DC on the holiday and a reason why the step child shouldn’t go. I feel so sorry for the step children.

DGFB · 23/08/2021 16:14

You can’t take one and not the other. It would be so damaging to her.
I would have a few days away for your honeymoon with no dc and a family holiday with everyone another time

Blossomtoes · 23/08/2021 16:21

@EL8888

I wouldn’t invite either child, l know that’s not what you have asked but it’s a honeymoon. Life is too short l think, relax and properly enjoy yourself child free
I agree. Honeymoons and children don’t mix.
thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 23/08/2021 16:21

@SparrowNest

I know this is a significant cost and might not be viable, but could you potentially take the 15 year old and a friend so they can largely do their own thing? You can just use the same childcare you were going to for your 3-year-old.
Oh great, 2 pain in the arse teenagers instead of 1! The OP has already described the DSDs attitude, I can't imagine that getting better if she took a friend too - they would both probably gang up on OP. Great honeymoon that would be
ejhhhhh · 23/08/2021 16:21

It sounds like this is type of holiday isn't going to happen very often, so tbh I'd just postpone it until your 3YO is able to be left.

callmeadoctor · 23/08/2021 16:25

ooooh I thought that this holiday story was familiar too (can't find it on my watched list though)

Winter2020 · 23/08/2021 16:28

Sorry if you have had this suggestion but could she (the 15 year old) bring a friend?
I guess it would cost £££ but might help you enjoy your holiday if she is doing activities/chilling with a friend. They might want their own table at dinner etc

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 16:28

I wonder how the OP would feel should they split and he tells his new partner to do what makes her happy and then it’s her DC that are left out?

callmeadoctor · 23/08/2021 16:29

It was a disney holiday thread (by ohana?) Cant find it now though.

Sirzy · 23/08/2021 16:30

@callmeadoctor

It was a disney holiday thread (by ohana?) Cant find it now though.
It was probably deleted because “the OP has concerns about her privacy”
CornishGem1975 · 23/08/2021 16:39

I'm going on honeymoon this year, albeit not massive luxury. We have our own DC between us and separately have children too. None of them are coming, not even our shared DC (who is younger than yours). I want complete grown up time!

HopefulRose · 23/08/2021 16:42

As a step daughter, I feel compelled to message to say - take both children or leave them both at home.

It sends an awful message to her if you leave her out and the fact you’re coming here for validation over your dislike to her makes me worried for her in your company.

Being a child from a previous marriage is not fun, regardless of whether she is a teenager or not. At every stage you should be putting yourself in her shoes and looking past any teenage bravado or influence from her mother’s side. And not just for her sake, but your husband’s too!

Wiredforsound · 23/08/2021 16:46

I think that’s a shitty thing to do. Either both go or neither go.

SparrowNest · 23/08/2021 16:47

@Honeymare

My experience of teens is that it doesn’t generally work quite like that. I don’t know what sort of “ganging up” you are envisioning but given the OP has picked a resort with lots of provision for kids, two of them can go to the pool, do activities and even eat meals on their own and have a fantastic time. One is more likely to be bored and constantly making demands of you.

BasementIdeas · 23/08/2021 16:52

No children or all children. Not fair to exclude DSD and no wonder she’s feeling pushed out as you obviously don’t like her

aSofaNearYou · 23/08/2021 16:55

@HopefulRose

As a step daughter, I feel compelled to message to say - take both children or leave them both at home.

It sends an awful message to her if you leave her out and the fact you’re coming here for validation over your dislike to her makes me worried for her in your company.

Being a child from a previous marriage is not fun, regardless of whether she is a teenager or not. At every stage you should be putting yourself in her shoes and looking past any teenage bravado or influence from her mother’s side. And not just for her sake, but your husband’s too!

Being a step mother isn't always easy or fun, either, there are other angles to consider in this position.