Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

[Honeymare]

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him

Well then, you have an answer. She's his DD too so he gets a say

Where is the dilemma?
the dilemma is that OP knows she will jump at the chance to go somewhere exotic where there will be plenty of activity and fun things to do away from her dad and OP.

I agree with vivain, above.

@starfishmummy

He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him

Well then, you have an answer. She's his DD too so he gets a say

Sadly his views, or the views on the step daughter, don’t seem to count for anything. This is about the OP and what she wants and sod how it makes others feel.

@Plumtree391

I agree with vivain, above.

and Starfish and rookiemere.

All three are voices of reason.

Oh I see...
"You can come on our honeymoon, 15 year old child, but only if you agree that we will be booking you into everything possible because we don't want your stroppy self around us while your sister is in childcare be sure it's not a family holiday, it's our honeymoon. Can't wait to spend all that precious family time as apart as possible!"

Ok then.

@rookiemere

I assume some of these posts are a joke.

Telling a 15 year old who is already feeling displaced and unwanted that the reason they can't come on holiday with their DF and DSM is because they're planning to have a lot of sex is beyond ridiculous.

Besides anything else the 15 year old would probably relish the solitude in their swanky hotel room.

Sorry but that’s ridiculous. As much as 15 year olds like solitude in a swanky hotel room, she’ll feel even more lonely when her Dad and step mum only have eyes for each other. Sounds like a shit holiday for her being ignored all day.

Or you turn it into a fun family holiday. Which it’s not.

She’s 15. If she can’t work out why a 3year has different needs to hers she’s not going to get far in life.

If I was your partner I couldn't dream of taking one of my children with me, and not even extending an invitation to my other daughter. Either offer to take her so at least if she doesn't want to come it's her choice, or leave both children at home.
She probably already feels massively left out now dad has a new life and family, don't make her feel second best to his new child either.

Honestly, if my DH could not put me first for our wedding and honeymoon I wouldn't marry him. What would be the point if someone else always came first regardless of what was going on? Recipe for misery.
We had my DSD on our wedding night. It was fine. If I'd said it wasn't fine or we had designs on a chandelier somewhere, it would not have happened.

Sounds like a shit holiday for her being ignored all day
If the place is luxurious, with clubs for under 5 every day, they will also have clubs and activity for teenagers, without a doubt.

I still don't think the 15yo should come on the honeymoon though. I also don't think there is any justifiable reason to make it a 2 weeks honeymoon.

Eeek, that is a dilemma and a half!

But I think you have to do what works best for you as a couple.
You can't leave your DD because she is too small and there isn't appropriate childcare, or you would leave her.

God, ugh - I would say don't include DSD. She's going to make it an expensive waste if she doesn't come, and an expensive horror show if she does come. None of you will have a good time if she comes along, including your DD by the sound of it, if DSD just ignores her all the time. I don't think I could cope with having a stroppy teen along on a honeymoon where you're all supposed to be having a great time, and you're still recovering your strength after a nasty illness.

If she creates about it, then really she's only got her own past behaviour to blame - she's let you down at the last minute before, she's ignored your toddler, she's hardly "happy holiday" material. In all honesty, at that age, if she behaved like that, I'd leave her at home if she was my OWN child! (Not alone, I'd leave her with a grandparent or friend or something!)

Psychologically none of this is probably the "right" thing to do - but the "right" thing is likely to cost you heavily, in either monetary terms or enjoyment terms.

@Youseethethingis

Honestly, if my DH could not put me first for our wedding and honeymoon I wouldn't marry him. What would be the point if someone else always came first regardless of what was going on? Recipe for misery. We had my DSD on our wedding night. It was fine. If I'd said it wasn't fine or we had designs on a chandelier somewhere, it would not have happened.

By that same token then surely the OP is being equally as unreasonable for not wanting to leave the three year old while they go away as she isn’t putting him first when she said his ideal would be no children but in the opening post she says she doesn’t want to leave her.

Well @Lightisnotwhite it is a family holiday because DD3 is going.

Most couples with a 3 yr old are somewhat past the googly eyed mind blowing constant sex phase ( if they're not I'll take some tips).

Personally I wouldn't want to take sulking DSD either, but to allow that to happen I'd postpone the big trip until she's of an age where there isn't an expectation of automatic inclusion in foreign trips - look how successfully the older step siblings have slipped from view- and I'd compromise with a few nights somewhere closer to home.

I doubt very much if the parents will only have eyes for each other. It may be their honeymoon in the dictionary sense of the word: "noun:
a holiday spent together by a newly married couple.", but they have been living together since whenever and have a three year old.

She'll have a great time if she is allowed to go. Probably better than the three year old who won't care where she is as long as she's with mum and dad.

Finding a willing and able family member and leaving a 3 year old with them or a fortnight is categorically not the same thing as a 15 year old stopping with her own mother.

Honestly, if my DH could not put me first for our wedding and honeymoon I wouldn't marry him. What would be the point if someone else always came first regardless of what was going on? Recipe for misery.

I wouldn't marry or have children with the sort of man who wouldn't prioritise his dc and would be willing to hurt them like this.

Would you be happy for him to treat your own dc like this in 12 years time? To make them feel not part of the family and second best to their sibling?

@Youseethethingis

Finding a willing and able family member and leaving a 3 year old with them or a fortnight is categorically not the same thing as a 15 year old stopping with her own mother.

But they are still making a choice to go away for so long and a choice that they want their daughter with them as she isn’t ready to leave her (stated in first post)

Her fiancé’s choice is rightly if one child goes he wants both to have the option to go.

So why does his view not get taken into account?

Why not go away the two for a short break then plan a fancy family holiday further down the line that suits them all?

@Summerfun54321

Have you even asked her if she wants to go? A 2 week holiday with a toddler and no friends sounds like most teenagers idea of hell, however posh the hotel.

Can't do that! What if she says yes and OP needs to come up with another reason to exclude her.

I can see this thread being deleted soon as OP will not want to be identified 🤦‍♀️

I don't understand why this is creating such debate when there is such an obvious and simple solution: GO FOR ONE WEEK AND THEN ENJOY A WEEK FAMILY HOLIDAY.

The only reason this wouldn't be an option is OP wanting a long holiday without her SD whatever the justification.

I know this is a significant cost and might not be viable, but could you potentially take the 15 year old and a friend so they can largely do their own thing? You can just use the same childcare you were going to for your 3-year-old.

You take neither child or both. If you don't want to leave your youngest for two weeks go somewhere closer for a shorter time.

Oldest doesn't get to pick and choose. Either she accepts invitation or declines it. No swapping or changing

OP, you've been through hell. You deserve to go away and be totally free of negative feelings, enjoying every moment of that time. You don't need to go for two weeks if ultimately, you end up feeling even a ounce of guilt, if deep inside, you know your OH wished his eldest daughter was there, and you worry about the repercussions of excluding her and her potentially refusing to ever come again, knowing how upset your OH will be.

Instead, go one week, have a blast, no worries, just pure fun and happiness. Then plan a week in France, where both your 3yo can have fun, but the 15yo too. Maybe a week's cruise which definitely would cater for both. See both children have fun and be happy, and maybe, just maybe, your SD will show happiness and gratefulness and you can feel the sense of peace that you know you are doing the right thing.

Sorry to hear you’ve been unwell and congratulations on your engagement!

Taking into account both your and your DFs preferences, my advice would be:

1. No children and perhaps go for a week so you aren’t away from your DC for too long, if you feel that’s an issue.
2. Take both children but make sure the resort has kid clubs for both your DC and DSD so that they are both there most of the day. That way you get alone time with your new husband and don’t have to witness so much of the ignoring of your DC from DSD. Make sure DSD is aware that she will be in kids club before you go though.

I really do think taking one not the other isn’t a good idea, it could lead to resentment and bigger issues than your DSD just ignoring your DC.

Would you be happy for him to treat your own dc like this in 12 years time? To make them feel not part of the family and second best to their sibling?
I'd be explaining to my teenager why they weren't invited on their dads honeymoon, yes.
If his dad was off to Disneyland with all the kids and left DS out I'd be devastated, as would DS I'd imagine, which is why I'd never leave my own DSD out of a family holiday even if it were an option, which it isn't because my DH would never hear of it as he used to be the left behind child when his dad went away with his new family and it sucked.
Honeymoons are different though, surely everyone can see that?

I would leave it

Have a child free break for a few days without either

Have a luxury holiday another time - when your DD is old enough to be left