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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy the same item as a close friend?

389 replies

lucyli · 23/08/2021 05:53

Firstly I apologise that this is the epitome of a first world problem. I acknowledge I am fortunate to have this problem and that there are many bigger things to worry about.

I have decided to make a high-end purchase from a well-known brand. I've never done this before but am at the stage in my life where I would like to do so.

I spend a long while researching, chose what I wanted and planned to head to the shops in a few days.

Was just chatting to a close friend and it turns out she has the exact same item and is annoyed that I'd buy the same and said she'd rather I didn't. I wasn't aware of this before.

I struggle to understand this mentality as it's not something that would concern me at all the other way around.

Her argument is that she didn't spend all that money, just to have someone close to her have the exact same item.

AIBU to buy it anyway? I was so pleased with the idea of having it and was excited to buy it.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 23/08/2021 05:58

What is the item?

If it is clothing, a handbag , earrings or a watch then how are you going to ensure you both don't wear it or use it at the same events?

If it is something for the home or a car who bloody cares.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 05:58

Alien to me to have a “close friend” like this

Same situation here with my close friends
I / she would say “go for it, my stalker!” And we would laugh about it and then give it no thought whatsoever

Original poster
lucyli · 23/08/2021 05:59

@RedMarauder

What is the item?

If it is clothing, a handbag , earrings or a watch then how are you going to ensure you both don't wear it or use it at the same events?

If it is something for the home or a car who bloody cares.

It's a bag. And we can't ensure we don't use it for the same event, but I struggle to understand why it would matter it we did.
OP posts:
NinDS · 23/08/2021 06:00

Is the item something that you would both be seen with at the same time? There was a chance you could have already bought it before you even had the conversation - would you have taken it back? I think sometimes it depends on the item in question but it’s also your money and you have the right to spend it how you please.

lannistunut · 23/08/2021 06:00

You just buy it, as you did your own research and it wasn't anything to do with her.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/08/2021 06:01

If both have you have decided on the exact same thing then I’m sure many others have too. YANBU.

What is it? LV handbag?

NinDS · 23/08/2021 06:02

Ah just seen it’s a handbag. Personally, I would look for another one that’s more expensive lol!

LemonFantaGin · 23/08/2021 06:02

I couldn't care what it is, if I wanted to spend my hard earned money on it, I would.

Your friend can rather you didn't all she wants.

ScrumptiousBears · 23/08/2021 06:02

Ok not friends but two women at work had the same bag. Both took their bags to work every day.

PinkBallPit · 23/08/2021 06:03

I think it depends on the item.

If it's a handbag and not a particularly 'common' one, it might be a bit odd if you match every time you're out together.

If it's something like a car or a piece of art that stays at home, less so.

Original poster
lucyli · 23/08/2021 06:03

@NinDS

Is the item something that you would both be seen with at the same time? There was a chance you could have already bought it before you even had the conversation - would you have taken it back? I think sometimes it depends on the item in question but it’s also your money and you have the right to spend it how you please.
I absolutely would not have taken it back if I'd found out after. Not based on any of my own personal concerns anyway. It's a very common design/style of this particular brand so it's unsurprising that someone else would have the same.

I'm someone that wouldn't care if I went out dressed head-to-toe in the entire same outfit as someone else though. My friend is the opposite.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 23/08/2021 06:08

From what you’ve said if it’s something like the LV Neverfull or similar so a really common design then YADNBU, loads of people have them.

Original poster
lucyli · 23/08/2021 06:08

@PurpleFlower1983

From what you’ve said if it’s something like the LV Neverfull or similar so a really common design then YADNBU, loads of people have them.
That's the one!!
OP posts:
Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 06:11

Buy it. Life’s too short. Your friend can tell you how she feels about it but she can’t dictate or control your decisions. So don’t let her.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/08/2021 06:12

I personally wouldn't buy it now. Your friend has made it clear that part of the appeal for her is having something special and unique amongst the friendship group.

I don't understand it myself, but presumably she wants people to be impressed and covetous when they see it and this impact will be lessened if you are standing there with the same item.

Regardless, if you're really her friend, you won't want her to be upset about this. She has asked you not to buy it so don't.

If you buy it, she will like you a little bit less. She will also tell everyone she bought it first and you will look like you copied her, which is a bit sad.

I would buy something equally wonderful, but different, and demonstrate good friend credentials and a bit of originality.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/08/2021 06:15

Just ignore her then OP! Lots of people have it and she can’t police what you choose to spend your money on.

PurpleFlower1983 · 23/08/2021 06:17

The other option would be to choose one in a different colour, does she have the classic one with the red interior? You could go for a less popular (and less copied by cheap fakes) design.

Mybalconyiscracking · 23/08/2021 06:19

Maybe buy a different handbag at a sensible price and then put the money you save into the handbag?

Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 06:19

Regardless, if you're really her friend, you won't want her to be upset about this. She has asked you not to buy it so don't.

If she’s really your friend she won’t try to control what you can and can’t buy or have or do.

mobear · 23/08/2021 06:20

Ignore her and buy it anyway if that is what you want to do. I have the same bag as a close friend (I bought mine because I liked hers) and it never even occurred to me it would be a problem (and it hasn’t been).

SunShinesBrightly · 23/08/2021 06:21

Was just chatting to a close friend and it turns out she has the exact same item and is annoyed that I'd buy the same and said she'd rather I didn't. I wasn't aware of this before.

How did you not know she had one?
Does she never use it when she is with you?
Has she only just bought it?

Either way, buy the bag and use it when you are not with her.

Oceanbliss · 23/08/2021 06:22

Sorry that first paragraph was a copy ‘n’ paste from a pp. But I don’t agree with it. Friends don’t control their friends like this. She needs to grow up and realise this.

Original poster
lucyli · 23/08/2021 06:26

@SunShinesBrightly

Was just chatting to a close friend and it turns out she has the exact same item and is annoyed that I'd buy the same and said she'd rather I didn't. I wasn't aware of this before.

How did you not know she had one?
Does she never use it when she is with you?
Has she only just bought it?

Either way, buy the bag and use it when you are not with her.

Yes, she bought it recently and I knew where she'd bought it but I've never seen it. I don't believe she's used it yet.
OP posts:
Original poster
lucyli · 23/08/2021 06:27

@Oceanbliss

Regardless, if you're really her friend, you won't want her to be upset about this. She has asked you not to buy it so don't.

If she’s really your friend she won’t try to control what you can and can’t buy or have or do.

This is what I'm struggling with. I'm not sure why it upsets her so I'm finding it hard to empathise and therefore understand why I should not buy it. Perhaps I'm thoughtless though. I'm trying to respect that different things are important to different people,
OP posts:
Wam90 · 23/08/2021 06:34

Has she definitely already got the bag herself?
I knew someone who always wanted to have the same items that people around her were contemplating buying so would say that she had “x” or was looking at buying it herself so they couldn’t get it too and these items never materialised. It was mainly with more expensive items too.