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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snoring FIL AIBU

274 replies

Jennybeans401 · 23/08/2021 04:21

We're on holiday staying in a lodge with PILs. We have two dds, the walls are paper thin.

FIL snores, omg it is loud, like a foghorn going off all night . MIL is 'used to it' and they both lie in bed until 9.30 each morning. I'm totally slee deprived as currently up listening to FIL snoring every night!

I'm up with the two dcs at 6.30am as they are early risers. I got annoyed yesterday because I was so tired and said it was because FIL was snoring all night. Response to this was 'well I can't help it' and both PILs got angry with me. I've not said anything since. Dh couldn't get time off work so he's not here to back me up.

AIBU to leave this holiday early? My dcs are having a good time but after six days of no sleep I'm struggling to function! I'm also pissed off with the selfish attitude that they lie in bed everyday while I'm up early with the kids. I also do all the driving cooking and they haven't lifted a finger with dcs!

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 23/08/2021 13:17

Dh couldn't get time off work so he's not here to back me up.

Oh how convenient.

Leave, today!

ineedaholidaynow · 23/08/2021 13:18

Some 70yo can be like this though, especially if they have become very inactive throughout the lockdown period. Of course they could be lazy fuckers and are very active when at home, and are just taking advantage of OP.

They are able to drive but don't feel able to, so that shows signs of them losing confidence in what they can do. Other 70yo are perfectly happy (and safe) driving. But if they have lost confidence better that they are not driving anymore.

My DM was very active 70yo and then fell and broke her hip. Although physically the hip was fixed, her confidence hit a nose dive. She had no confidence in her mobility, which then becomes a vicious circle and the less mobile you become the worse it gets. She started to be a bit more active and then lockdown hit, she is now in her 80s with various medical issues, so I took on her shopping etc, which again impacted how active she became. So we are now working on it again.

rookiemere · 23/08/2021 14:21

I don't think the lack of support would impact OP so much if she wasn't so sleep deprived.

I think the best thing to do is either get earplugs or chalk it up to experience and go home

phishy · 23/08/2021 14:40

@rookiemere

I don't think the lack of support would impact OP so much if she wasn't so sleep deprived.

I think the best thing to do is either get earplugs or chalk it up to experience and go home

Really? It’s exhausting being responsible for children, let alone 2 adults as well. They can’t even even pack their own stuff up.

The PIL have been very sly, agreeing to help but doing fuck all.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/08/2021 15:41

I think I’d leave them there to enjoy the rest of their holiday. Dh can go and pick them up at the weekend

Nc123 · 23/08/2021 16:04

Have an honest conversation with the PILs.

It’s not fair or right for them to do nothing. At the very least they should look after the D.C. while you catch up on some sleep given that it’s FIL keeping you awake. They should also pack the car with their own stuff and agree how to split the rest of the tasks.

If they don’t agree to this, go home. Frankly I’m in awe of your restraint - where do they get off, keeping you awake all night and then expecting you to wait on them hand and foot? You need to tell them (and D.C. of old enough to help) that they need to muck in and help and you need to refuse point blank to run round after the ungrateful, selfish gits any more. Do your fair share and let them fend for themselves.

diddl · 23/08/2021 16:16

I'm hoping Op is on her way home-having left the ILs to make their own way or organise their son to collect them!

Nc123 · 23/08/2021 16:17

I’ve just RTFT and I literally cannot believe that they are fucking off for cream teas and whatnot while you heft all the beach stuff round alone. Appreciate that they’re saying they don’t feel able to keep up with the kids but unless the kids are toddlers they could easily watch them from a deckchair, help the kids cross roads and keep an eye out while you go for a wee - all the things that make life easier.

I’ve just been away with my mum and DC for the first time since the pandemic started. My mum is 71 and a bit frail and I didn’t leave the kids alone with her as she was worried about keeping up after so long. Do you know what though? She helped with cooking and washing up and let me sit down with a brew sometimes. She didn’t expect me to do everything and look after the kids as well.

ANameChangeAgain · 23/08/2021 16:26

It would be nice if they pitched in with the children, but they aren't obliged.
Get some earplugs or play your music- I wouldn't be able to cope with his snoring either.
Get some space from them. If you are up with the boys early, then leave them a note on the counter along the lines of "at the beach".
Stop making all the food! If necessary, make food for the children and you but not them. From here onwards don't consider yourself on holiday with them, because you really aren't. Just think of them as people who are sharing the accommodation with you.

Shufflebumnessie · 23/08/2021 16:39

I completely empathise. Sleep deprivation (through any cause) is horrendous but there is something even more infuriating when the cause is snoring from someone who is sound asleep and oblivious to the torment they are causing!
DH is currently sleeping in the spare room because his snoring is so loud that neither of us were sleeping. Me because of his snoring, him from me constantly trying to roll him on to his side!

I remember going on holiday with my mum for 4 nights. We were sharing a room and it was miserable because I was awake all night due to her snoring. All through my childhood I'd assumed the snoring I could hear was my dad. Apparently it wasn't!

If you do stay I'd definitely be going for a very long afternoon nap each day!

diddl · 23/08/2021 16:51

"It would be nice if they pitched in with the children, but they aren't obliged."

No they're not.

Shame MIL lied & said she would help.

For that I'd have no compunction about going home early at all.

They can go or not as they please.

And I wouldn't be packing for them!

thing47 · 23/08/2021 16:59

I'd tell them I'm going home early, and give them the choice of staying on and making their own way back or you drop them off on your way home. But definitely go home early.

Absolutely this. Lie about feeling ill if you want, but either way just tell them you are leaving tomorrow morning and they can come or they can stay and make their own way home. Actions have consequences – or in this case, a lack of action has consequences. They said they would help and they aren't, presumably if they had said before the holiday that they wouldn't be helping at all and would be doing their own thing every day, you wouldn't have gone?

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:01

One of the DDs is 10
Not sure of other

My DS, same age… amuses himself in morning and would help. I wouldn’t need or want help. Sure, nice if things are done for me. But me and MY children - are squarely my responsibility and I never expect otherwise

That’s what being a kick ass single parent does for you.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:02

And I wouldn't be packing for them!

Oh come on
If the OP says she packs her FILs pants and MIL’s bras…. I’ll call bull shit

phishy · 23/08/2021 17:04

@Marni83

One of the DDs is 10 Not sure of other

My DS, same age… amuses himself in morning and would help. I wouldn’t need or want help. Sure, nice if things are done for me. But me and MY children - are squarely my responsibility and I never expect otherwise

That’s what being a kick ass single parent does for you.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Have a 🥇… for the most unhelpful post.

Notaroadrunner · 23/08/2021 17:07

Pack up your things and tell them you are leaving. If they want to come with you they need to pack up their own shit asap. Don't fake an illness. Tell them the bloody truth - that you haven't slept in a week because of your fils foghorn snoring. So what if mil can put up with it? That's irrelevant to the fact that you cannot. Fuck them. Go home now.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:07

I think the OP is avoiding answering the question because her children aren’t tinies in need of 24/7 engagement and could help her with “loading” car etc.

Threewheeler1 · 23/08/2021 17:09

They've turned you into Dobby the Holiday Elf and you're not having any kind of holiday at all.
Think I would have buggered off home days ago!
Get home and get some sleep OP, sounds horrendous there!

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:10

* I haul all the buckets, spades, stuff with me from the car onto the beach in my own with dvs and PILs go off to have a cream tea.*

One if your dds is 10

Surely, surely You could ask her to carry a bucket and spade?!

UrbanRambler · 23/08/2021 17:14

Well, PIL are not obligated to help with their grandchildren, if they don't want to, but the total lack of care and empathy towards your sleep deprivation would be enough to make me go home early. FIL can't help snoring, but his attitude sounds very poor.

Sleep deprivation can be utter torture, I think you need to cut your losses and go home. Also, I think you should treat yourself to a long weekend away from your family, to make up for this spoilt holiday.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:17

But what could the man do about it on holiday?!

Yes he could say… I’ll go to my gp when I get back first thing

But there is really nothing effective he could do whilst on holiday.

The op…. I’d get ear plugs pronto

But really it’s a scenario where not much can be done

Waspsarearseholes · 23/08/2021 17:30

@Marni83

But what could the man do about it on holiday?!

Yes he could say… I’ll go to my gp when I get back first thing

But there is really nothing effective he could do whilst on holiday.

The op…. I’d get ear plugs pronto

But really it’s a scenario where not much can be done

Well, they could offer to sit with the children while OP has a nap. They could cook for themselves for once and not treat OP like a skivvy. It's her holiday too.

:07Marni83

"I think the OP is avoiding answering the question because her children aren’t tinies in need of 24/7 engagement and could help her with “loading” car etc"

Or...the in-laws could lift a finger and take their own bags to the car?

Ancientcistern · 23/08/2021 17:36

@Hummingbird1950

Fuck them. It's supposed to be a holiday, a break, you're not their skivvy. Snorers should all be shot as far as I'm concerned. Most of them can do something to help it eg not drink or not smoke or lose weight or see the GP. But because it doesn't bother them they don't want to. That's their choice. You have choices too, like not spending sleeping time around snorers! Be careful if you're driving home, take naps if you can or book somewhere else for one night.
Fucking hell, that's a bit harsh.
Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:37

If the In laws are capable then the op simply needs to be an adult about it.

“I am bloomin exhausted! DD (10) please could you help mil and fil carry that bag, but leave the heavier one for fil as too heavy for you love”

As for the cooking….

“Mil, any chance you could do something easy for us tonight, pasta or something, as would be lovely to sit and relax a bit for the evening”

And “sitting” with the children whilst she naps? We know the eldest is 10. Surely if the youngest is 7/8/9, you could park them in front of a film on the iPad whilst you have a doze.

Or whilst the in laws are sitting there, you set the children up with films, and then say “excuse me, I’ll be upstairs taking a short nap, no one is to disturb me unless blood is involved!”.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 17:40

And given the in laws have paid for the holiday
Perhaps the OP could take everyone one for a few lunches / dinners