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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
CallMeNutribullet · 22/08/2021 20:45

Sounds brilliant to me! 3 free nights holiday and all the fun bits

ShingleBeach · 22/08/2021 20:48

Unusual but why does everyone have to do it the same way?

Maybe they see the exchange of vows as very private, intimate process rather than a public performance.

Then they have out energy and expense into the reception as a celebration, paying loads for you to attend.

I would see no reason to take this personally or get huffy.

Zucker · 22/08/2021 20:49

Find out exactly what she expects from you over the 3 days!

Are you literally expected to be her hand maidens for the duration or does she want help to get the dress on. You might find yourself knee deep in room decorations before you realise it Confused

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 22/08/2021 20:53

@Bluntness100

I don’t find this rude at all. I do find it unusual bordering on weird. But if she wishes a small intimate ceremony with just immediate family and rhen a big celebration after then that’s fine. It’s her wedding, so she should do it to please them not anyone else. She’s paying for your accommodation etc so it’s not like she’s using you or being rude. You’re not entitled to be there.
This I think.
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 22/08/2021 20:54

Is that one of those trendy 'Wedding in a Phone Box by a Loch' things?

Sounds like it.

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/08/2021 21:02

@BlueMongoose

Maybe the venue has some covid rules about numbers in the room they use for the ceremony?
But that’s the thing - if it was an obvious explanation she’d just say that wouldn’t she?
Chesneyhawkes1 · 22/08/2021 21:17

Wouldn't bother me. If that is what my friend wanted and would make her happy - then it's all good

Ellmau · 22/08/2021 21:18

Is it possible that it’s not a legal marriage service and that the couple don’t want anyone to know… ie one of them not being divorced…..

I was thinking that. But loads of 'weddings' these days are not legal marriages.

Audit · 22/08/2021 21:29

Its not unusual. I have seen this scenario before.

TatianaBis · 22/08/2021 21:30

I’d assume she’s self conscious about the ceremony. It would have been more sensible in that case to do a small ceremony and then invite all the guests to the reception afterwards.

But to invite everyone to house for the weekend, so they’re all there sitting around, and then exclude them from the ceremony is weird and gauche. It’s not rude exactly, more clueless. Everyone will spend the duration of the ceremony thinking how odd the bride is, which is not likely her aim.

Starjammer · 22/08/2021 21:31

It's a bit weird, isn't it? I'd just get myself dressed I think rather than ask people to be there for that, then go away, then come back. I'd just do it myself and then ask whoever to join us for the party.

Starjammer · 22/08/2021 21:33

That said, I wouldn't be offended, just think it was a bit odd. I'd be a bit miffed if the ceremony was really long and there was nowhere to go or something I suppose, but if it's just a quickie and you can go get started on the drinks, then I'd be happy enough!

owlbethere · 22/08/2021 21:33

Sounds great to me, the ceremony is boring anyway lol

Zhampagne · 22/08/2021 21:37

There was a MN thread a while ago written from the point of view of a bride who couldn’t cope with the idea of anyone watching her marriage ceremony. I wonder if it was OP’s friend.

TatianaBis · 22/08/2021 21:45

I find it even odder that she’s inviting you to stay for the weekend but you have to take your own food and alcohol.

She just seems totally clueless socially.

She likes the idea of a big country house wedding but is too mingey to invite you to the ceremony and too tight to be truly hospitable and provide food for her guests.

It may just be part of the whole trend of people having weddings they can’t afford.

Real country house weddings (ie thrown by the owners) are nothing like this.

scarpa · 22/08/2021 21:48

I think this is fine - you get to attend the party celebrating their marriage!

whynotwhatknot · 22/08/2021 21:51

i dont like being centre of attention so i eloped didnt want a big party afterwards

doesnt want people to se eher getting married but wants a big party/reception is odd

JustLyra · 22/08/2021 21:53

@whynotwhatknot

i dont like being centre of attention so i eloped didnt want a big party afterwards

doesnt want people to se eher getting married but wants a big party/reception is odd

Could be a compromise if one doesn’t want a fuss but the other does. A party/reception isn’t as focussed as the ceremony is.
moohoop · 22/08/2021 21:54

A friend of mine invited me to the ceremony, had me drive her there as well, then didn't invite me to the meal afterwards! I wouldn't have minded but she didn't even pay for the meal, it was everyone for themselves.

I took a step back after that, she clearly was just using me for transport.

MrsMoastyToasty · 22/08/2021 21:55

I didn't think you can barr anyone from a wedding because they might know of "any legal impediment as to why bride and groom cannot be married "

whynotwhatknot · 22/08/2021 21:55

Missed the bit about food what are you meant to do the other two days?

Penistoe · 22/08/2021 22:00

I find the ceremony the most boring part so I would love it. I assume she is really nervous or just want her close family so it special. If she was inviting others then fair enough. It’s odd but I’d personally be meh ok. Bring on the fun bits.

Mumontour85 · 22/08/2021 22:03

I dont think it's rude at all, however, I do think it is very peculiar!

Maybe they really do just want a really tiny ceremony, but she loved you enough to ask you to stay at the venue and be a massive part of her big day.

If I were you I'd suck it up and respect her choices. I'd make sure she looked gorgeous as I helped her get ready and then I'd spend a nice leisurely time getting myself ready, and then I'd go and celebrate my friend on the most special day of her life.

OnceTheyDid · 22/08/2021 22:11

I did this at a very good friend's wedding but most people went to the actual wedding ceremony. She asked me to say behind at the venue to get the tables etc ready. Perfect for me as wedding ceremonies are boring.

She died last year. Life is too short to worry about the small things. It's what she wants so go with it.

ThanksItHasPockets · 22/08/2021 22:12

It is really depressing to read how many people view wedding ceremonies as a boring chore.