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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 22/08/2021 20:07

This seems absolutely bonkers to me. If you don’t want friends and family at your wedding, don’t invite 70 of them to a party in Scotland to celebrate it.

grapewine · 22/08/2021 20:07

@Createa1234

But, *@Farwest*, I wouldn’t be going away for three nights to a venue I hadn’t chosen, without my own BF, with someone else’s family members, if it wasn’t for her wedding.

And this is why I wouldn't be going. You're a glorified dresser and hairstylist.

Just no.

VerbenaGirl · 22/08/2021 20:08

It’s unusual, but it’s their wedding their choice. Maybe they have written some really personal vows, or something like that.

Hotchocolate92 · 22/08/2021 20:08

Her wedding, her choice. Not rude, just different to others' expectations of her day. She's shown you she cares about you and wants you to be there to celebrate, and has sorted your accommodation etc. Only family at the vows. I had a tiny ceremony too, 7 guests; and celebrations with everyone else in the future to look forward to. We had to draw the line somewhere. If people are honest with themselves, watching vows can be a bit dull. The party is often the nicer part. Weddings cause a lot of feelings more related to people's own egos and insecurities, than their actual care for the marrying couple. Hope that makes sense.

drumandthebass · 22/08/2021 20:09

Rude

sadperson16 · 22/08/2021 20:16

Pathetic, entitled, rude and inhospitable.

TakeMe2Insanity · 22/08/2021 20:17

If thats what she wants go with it. I agree it is odd. It could just be the thought of people looking at her/them is the issue. Some of the most confident people I know suffer with debilitating anxiety when they are the star of the show, it could be that or might not be. Be kind to her, support her. She clearly wants it. Maybe ask if she can set up a laptop /live feed in another room?

Staffy1 · 22/08/2021 20:18

Why is it rude? Why do people care if they aren’t invited to the ceremony, it’s really not that exciting? I knew someone that invited some of her guests to the ceremony but not reception, others to the reception only and some to both. I would only be pissed off if I was in the group only invited to the ceremony, now that is rude - to expect a present out of someone but expect them to bugger off before the party.

TheRebelle · 22/08/2021 20:21

It’s rude because it’s so far away, if it were in their home town there would be no inconvenience but expecting people to travel to the highlands for three days and not invite them to the ceremony is rude.

Hyacinth88 · 22/08/2021 20:24

I think if she had been upfront at the beginning I wouldn't see it as an issue.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 22/08/2021 20:24

It’s a little odd, but I don’t think it’s rude. You’re still amongst the top 20 favoured guests, and you’ll have the other friend for company.

bridgetreilly · 22/08/2021 20:26

Why do people care if they aren’t invited to the ceremony, it’s really not that exciting?

Because that is actually the wedding. That is the part which matters, and inviting people to that is inviting them to be part of your life.

The rest is just a party.

Midge75 · 22/08/2021 20:26

@sadperson16

Pathetic, entitled, rude and inhospitable.

Your comment makes no sense - why is it pathetic? How is it entitled - it's an invitation, not an order. Inhospitable - she's paying for the accommodation! I honestly cannot understand people having such a big issue with this. She really wants the OP there. She wants her involved in bits others are not. If one of my friends gave me this invitation, I might think it was weird to have such a tiny service with no one watching, but I honestly think I'd feel honoured that she wanted me to share in the excitement of the build up and getting ready etc. Why are people so keen to be offended?

Midge75 · 22/08/2021 20:28

@TheRebelle

But I think the three day thing makes it less rude. If the OP were invited only to an evening reception and nothing else, that would be a bit off - expecting someone to travel miles and miles for just a few hours' patrying. The three days makes it more of an event, much more worth the journey.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 22/08/2021 20:31

It's unusual but not necessarily rude I don't think. Years ago the now DW of a friend was really uncomfortable being the focus of attention of too many people at the actual ceremony so they had that part of the day with immediate family only and big reception and party (at which she felt less in the spotlight) with 100+ people straight afterwards in the main part of the same venue. It was fine!

grapewine · 22/08/2021 20:32

@bridgetreilly

Why do people care if they aren’t invited to the ceremony, it’s really not that exciting?

Because that is actually the wedding. That is the part which matters, and inviting people to that is inviting them to be part of your life.

The rest is just a party.

Exactly.

MrsFin · 22/08/2021 20:32

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas

Don't they have to be open to the public? So you can speak up at the "does anyone here present...?" bit?

Yes

Lockdownbear · 22/08/2021 20:33

OK so you've got a free bed for 3 nights but only food for one night.

£££ watch out for 3 expensive breakfasts, 3 expensive lunches and 2 expensive dinners. Sounds like the sort of place with captive audience and drinks to match.

There is most definitely a catch. You just need to figure it out if you want to be involved in bank rolling her wedding in any shape or form.

lap90 · 22/08/2021 20:33

It's a bit odd IMO.

Are you the only people staying at the wedding venue who are only invited to the reception?

pilates · 22/08/2021 20:36

The ceremony is the wedding in my eyes.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2021 20:36

She might have a really, really terrible middle name that she cannot bear anyone to hear.

It is a bit strange but she or her Dp have their reasons and it’s not that big a deal. Go along with it and enjoy. And try to establish what their middle names are.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 22/08/2021 20:36

@ejhhhhh

On a related note, me and DH were invited to his best mate's wedding in Germany. For some technical reason that I didn't really understand, the couple got married in a registry office the day before their wedding, with only their parents there as that was a legal ceremony. They then had a "fake marriage ceremony with a priest and all these friends and family in a chapel at their wedding venue, which for some reason wasn't legal, followed by the party. Could it be something like that? Are things different in Scotland?

I think it's usual in European /Catholic countries to have a legal /civil ceremony first followed by a religious ceremony if they want one.

Hillary17 · 22/08/2021 20:39

Normally I’d say it’s a bit rude. But with Covid a lot has changed and you don’t know her reasons for wanting a really small ceremony. We’ve halved our wedding list for later this year from 100 to 50 so people feel more comfortable. Times have changed so I’d ask the reason casually, you don’t know what her thinking is.

Sparkletastic · 22/08/2021 20:39

I think it's ok. The ceremony is the boring bit.

Pieceofpurplesky · 22/08/2021 20:39

Sit through a boring service or be sipping free fizz in a fabulous house ... go and enjoy it

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