To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

[Createa1234]

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

I think it's totally fine and not rude at all. I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

It is very cheeky to get you to help her get ready and not only not be a proper bridesmaid but not even allowed into the ceremony. Please don't say either you or Other Friend is a professional hairdresser or make up artist...

@Createa1234

And we did ask her why, of course. She says she just doesn’t want people watching her get married.

Sounds fair enough to me. Getting married is actually an intensely personal and private moment and I can see how someone might not be able to enjoy the moment if they are feeling self conscious or anxious. It's not like she's only excluding you...she's just popping off briefly to get married in private and then coming to celebrate with you all. Think you're making this a bit about you tbh and that you "want to see her get married" , when it is her wedding and she clearly does value you and wants your support and to celebrate with you

A bit far fetched but are you sure it's a real wedding? How long have you known her? The ceremony is the important bit. Maybe she has really embarrassing middle names

Unusual but not rude. It's the couple's day and if that's what suits them, fine.

It's not "a bit rude" it is a lot rude.

If they want to have a tiny, private ceremony, then they should invite guests from the start of the party / meal / Reception whatever she is calling it. You can't ask people to come to the venue, do all the bridesmaid's work (without having your outfit paid for) and then not actually be at the wedding. That is ridiculous.

It's unusual, but if she wants a small wedding - well it is her wedding day. I don't see what the problem is, you are getting a break away and a party to attend, while she gets the sort of wedding she really wants. It wouldn't bother me.

She obviously has anxiety and has a fear of people looking at her. Lots of brides who do weddings this way have the same problem.

Yes it odd, but she don’t like it and doesn’t want anyone there

I think that she should have told Op the plan & let Op decide from tham when/if she would go.

@gofg

It's unusual, but if she wants a small wedding - well it is her wedding day. I don't see what the problem is, you are getting a break away and a party to attend, while she gets the sort of wedding she really wants. It wouldn't bother me.

For a lot of people the ceremony is important & without attending that it's just a party.

@Ellmau

Is it possible that it’s not a legal marriage service and that the couple don’t want anyone to know… ie one of them not being divorced…..

I was thinking that. But loads of 'weddings' these days are not legal marriages.

Really? Loads of them, which wedding are those then?

I’ve been invited to a couple of wedding parties this summer for couples who married very quietly between lockdowns. I’ve also been to a few where the legal marriage has been a few days or weeks before and then on the day of the wedding party there has been a ceremony of blessing which looks very like a wedding service for interfaith couples or remarrying divorcés. It’s not at all unusual.

It’s bizarre is what it is..

Sounds to me like she has massive anxiety about actually saying her vows in front of a large crowd of people and needs to manage that by only being in front of a small number of family members.

She still wants to celebrate the happy event of being married with everyone, hence the hiring of the large country house and paying for everything for you to stay. That shows how much she values you as a friend and wants you to share her happy day.

I can understand her feelings. I got so nervous about saying my vows in front of everyone that I completely blanked out. To this day I have no idea what I said! Maybe I'm not even married!

Who are the witnesses?

I love marriage ceremonies. I find the hope and promise of them every moving and I love seeing what music and readings the couple have chosen. I had no idea I was in such a minority.

@TheRebelle

It’s rude because it’s so far away, if it were in their home town there would be no inconvenience but expecting people to travel to the highlands for three days and not invite them to the ceremony is rude.

I agree with TheRebelle to be honest - it's a rude way to treat your guests because the venue is so far away. If I considered someone important enough to me to want them at my wedding and I was expecting them to travel to some remote location for it, the least I would do is involve them in the whole event after they'd made the effort to get there!

It's a completely different thing to be invited to the reception and not the ceremony if it's in or near the place most of the guests actually live, or it's in a bigger, more accessible town or city with other things to do other than just hang around a wedding venue in the middle of nowhere waiting for your presence to be required.

@OnGoldenPond

Sounds to me like she has massive anxiety about actually saying her vows in front of a large crowd of people and needs to manage that by only being in front of a small number of family members.

She still wants to celebrate the happy event of being married with everyone, hence the hiring of the large country house and paying for everything for you to stay. That shows how much she values you as a friend and wants you to share her happy day.

I can understand her feelings. I got so nervous about saying my vows in front of everyone that I completely blanked out. To this day I have no idea what I said! Maybe I'm not even married!

She isn’t ‘paying for everything’ though - she’s only letting them stay at guesthouse for free ( which might not even cost her extra ). If people were ‘that anxious’ about getting married why wouldn’t they have had the ceremony by themselves somewhere else and why would they need help getting ready anyway? The people actually attending the ceremony should be the ones helping.

The issue isn’t what the bride wants to it’s how she’s involved the OP. Is it worth falling out over? No. Is it rude? Yes. If you don’t want people at the ceremony then don’t make a big deal about it by using them as hired help. Even if they get the guesthouse for free it’s very crass to not realise how it comes across and to just say you ‘don’t want people to see’. As a ‘best friend’ I’d find that off putting.

People are weird and this is very weird but if she is a good friend I would probably just go along.... it's there day x

We have a friend that invited us to the after do - three lots of friends and partners - we were all coming from different sides of the country. One friend thought it over and none is us went. Had another friend who did the same, did go, wish I hadn't bothered.

Not rude but odd

Wedding ceremonies are boring, let’s face it. Can you say you have ever really enjoyed one (apart from your own)? I think this sounds like a fabulous wedding celebration but without the boring bit!

Is she/he anxious? I don’t think it’s rude at all actually but is unusual. I would be happy, the ceremony is the boring bit

OP I wouldn't fell hurt but I understand y u do I doubt is anything personal...x

It's up to her who attends but cheeky to expect help beforehand and I suspect that you paying for 3 nights helped her to secure the venue.