Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this wedding invitation is a bit rude?

421 replies

Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 17:25

One of my best friends is getting married to long term boyfriend next year in a rural location in the Highlands. Due to the location, those invited will have to stay for at least one night. I have been invited to stay in the wedding venue itself, which sleeps 20, for three nights, which was lovely of the bride and I’m looking forward to it.

Her only bridesmaid will be her little niece, which is lovely. No issues there, obviously. But another friend who also has a room in the venue and I were told yesterday night that we’re not invited to the ceremony. Bride wants us to help her get dressed on the morning, then amuse ourselves whilst the ceremony goes ahead with only her and DH to be’s parents, siblings and two witnesses, then join her again afterwards for the reception.

AIBU to think this is very odd and a bit rude?

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 22/08/2021 19:18

I'd say no to be honest , she's wanting to use you for her prep.

DroopyClematis · 22/08/2021 19:19

And I'd be distancing myself from her.

Debetswell · 22/08/2021 19:20

OP does she want you to help her get ready for the pre ceremony photographs?
It’s a thing now isn’t it? And you’ll be nicely dressed so it will look good.

I think just accept it.
It’s odd but it doesn’t mean your friend is deliberately rude.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 22/08/2021 19:22

I voted Ywbu because it's a tiny family ceremony that they're having. You're not deliberately being snubbed.
But tbh I had a friend who did similar and I was hurt. It was obviously instigated by my friend's fiance who was very controlling.
Perhaps there is a similar dynamic in your friend's relationship or there are family traditions tied to small ceremonies 🤷🏼‍♀️

Italiangreyhound · 22/08/2021 19:24

It's a bit weird but her choice. Either accept or not. I don't think it is deliberately rude but is strange.

Genevie82 · 22/08/2021 19:24

... I agree OP it’s all abit awkward! .. I’ve had experience of weddings were only a small select group of family attended the ceremony and then a reception was held a day or so afterwards to celebrate and that was lovely, no one felt offended as they weren’t part of the first bit. I too had a very small wedding and didn’t have bridesmaids but my BF did hair and makeup beforehand BUT I would never have then had the ceremony without them being there , I would have felt like I was using them rather than having them as part of a special moment in my life as supportive friends. I don’t believe the boy about feeling nervous in front of people as your her friends ..unless it’s really the groom . The other possibility is I think the bride is properly caught in a situation that relates to other people not being allowed at the ceremony, hence keeping it strictly family only but has been abit insensitive not telling you .. she should have just had you at the reception afterwards and paid a hairdressers and it would feel far less rejecting of your friendship! I wonder why she can’t confide in you - what’s the groom like? I’d just go along with it quietly for the sake of your friendship💐xx

Figgyboa · 22/08/2021 19:24

Unusual yes but not rude

Ragwort · 22/08/2021 19:25

I did the same at both Blush my weddings, register office wedding first and then invited people back for the reception afterwards, I suppose I just felt that I wanted the exchange of vows to be private ... but I didn't expect anyone to 'help me get ready' or 'be there for me the night before'. My first wedding reception was a low key afternoon tea party in my DP's garden and for the second wedding an even quieter lunch, didn't even invite siblings ... to be honest I felt a little embarrassed to have the same guests that had been there just four years earlier for a different wedding Grin.

PurBal · 22/08/2021 19:26

Rude. But I know someone who was asked to read at the ceremony then wasn’t invited to the reception which seems worse

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 22/08/2021 19:26

My best friend did this too
She didn’t want people watching her.
Yet her other best friend was allowed to watch on webcam.
We didn’t understand it either but had to go with it.

Original poster
Createa1234 · 22/08/2021 19:27

I don’t believe there are any control issues with her BF.

With regards to the money - the couple are paying for the hire of the venue. There is no bar, so we’re taking our own alcohol and food for all times except the wedding day, when the couple are hiring caterers.

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 22/08/2021 19:38

My niece really really didn't want lots of people watch her get married ...she's just self conscious and hates been the centre of attention .....so she had only parents siblings and aunts at service then everyone for the reception meal and evening party ...
But she didn't ask people to be there to help......

Lulu1919 · 22/08/2021 19:40

@R0SEMARY

You’re right it’s weird and rude.

If you don’t want anyone to watch you getting married, you have a small wedding ceremony . And then a separate party / reception with your 70 guests.

But that's what they are doing ...she's just asked her friend to help her get ready and she's paying for three nights in a nice place.....I'd do that for a friend .
2bazookas · 22/08/2021 19:43

Decline her horrible invitation. What a CF!!!!!!!!

TheRebelle · 22/08/2021 19:45

It’s incredibly weird, even if she’s paying for the accommodation it’s still inconvenient to travel to and you have to spend money on a gift and an outfit and other little bits. I think I preferred it in the days before Bridezillas.

BadNomad · 22/08/2021 19:45

I think it's weird but I don't think it's rude. If anything she's showing how important you and the other friend are to her by wanting you with her for the night before and on the morning. She's not expecting you to pay. She just wants your company.

newnortherner111 · 22/08/2021 19:46

Decline now. Don't say you'll only go if you can be at the ceremony or anything like that. Suggest to the other friend they decline as well.

I'm OK with weddings for only a small number of people, but not with travelling miles and being only able to go to the reception.

TaraRhu · 22/08/2021 19:46

Respect her wishes. She wants to do the ceremony privately. It's a bit odd to do that somewhere where others could witness and be part of it but that's what she wants. Her wedding. Her choice.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 19:51

I don’t find this rude at all. I do find it unusual bordering on weird. But if she wishes a small intimate ceremony with just immediate family and rhen a big celebration after then that’s fine. It’s her wedding, so she should do it to please them not anyone else. She’s paying for your accommodation etc so it’s not like she’s using you or being rude. You’re not entitled to be there.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 19:52

@newnortherner111

Decline now. Don't say you'll only go if you can be at the ceremony or anything like that. Suggest to the other friend they decline as well.

I'm OK with weddings for only a small number of people, but not with travelling miles and being only able to go to the reception.

Wow how mean.
BlueMongoose · 22/08/2021 19:58

Maybe the venue has some covid rules about numbers in the room they use for the ceremony?

Zippy1510 · 22/08/2021 19:59

If it’s a very small ceremony with only a few immediate family members then I wouldn’t be bothered at all. Some people really hate the idea of a public ceremony and would rather do that part in private or just with very few family members whilst enjoying a party with friends after to celebrate.

Butterflyfluff · 22/08/2021 20:00

It’s a bit odd but it’s a tiny wedding so it’s not like some people have been chosen and others haven’t

Proper odd is a wedding I once went to where the ushers seated everyone, then had to leave as there was no room for them!

And that was planned!

Miranda15110 · 22/08/2021 20:04

I wish every wedding was like this. If she's covering the cost of your stay id just go and enjoy the party.

diddl · 22/08/2021 20:05

I think it's quite sad that people think that the ceremony is "the boring bit".

It's the whole point to me- the prep before & the reception/party afterwards don't make you married!

She might as well have the ceremony & get those not invited to arrive just for the reception.