To think I’m weird about my son?

[3ormorecharactersss]

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

Well I'm sure it won't do any lasting harm to the child, for these early years, say up to 17, but when he's 18, maybe let him out on his own for an hour?

I always thought EBF meant had only ever had breast milk (as it’s used when people talk about virgin gut and whatnot).
I used the term until my dc was 5.5mo old when we introduced a bit of food ahead of me needing to leave him for a couple of half days at 6mo. After that he didn’t have formula (but only cause he refused bottles) but had many other foods and drinks. I’d never have said he was “exclusively breastfed fed” when he was scoffing down meat and veg and bread etc.

I’m amazed at the people saying it’s a bit much, it’s totally normal in my opinion, I also was still breastfeeding my son at 9 months and I was gutted to leave him to return to work, there was no way I wanted to hand him off to anyone else. My son is now 8 and he spends a full week with each set of grandparents during school holidays and I feel fine about it and grateful for the break, but when he was a tiny baby I was not at all inclined to leave him with anyone. Don’t worry, it’s normal and you’re both fine

@museumum you're right, it does mean that. I don't know why some people seem to think it means their child has never had a bottle and use it as a badge of honour.

My daughter is 9 years old and I still feel like this! Half joking but have had virtually no help from family so it's just me and DH bringing our two up, he works 6 days a week so it's always been intense for me.

We have lovely friends but they have their own children and lives so socialise with the children unless they're in bed and me or DH stay home so the other can go out.

I work and let them go to school now though

I agree - seems totally normal to me. Why force separation? It comes along at natural points. You do what you’re happy with, especially when talking about a small baby….

I am the same/ was the same with both DC. However I definitely gave DH a chance to bond with them equally too.

@museumum that is what it means but some people get confused.

It is lovely to hear how it has bowled you over.

Just enjoy him. I didn’t want to leave mine either at that age though a very kind and lovely lady looked after him for about two hours on our Anniversary while we had a meal just up the road. The only time I left him until he was older and I felt able to.
I cried when I left DD when I went back to college...I left her with my best friend and she was my fourth! She was only 3 months though. She still loves my best friend and her boys. They treat her like their sister. She has just turned 30!

Just do what you think and feel happy with as he grows you will feel ready. It is great you are still feeding.

Totally and utterly normal. Welcome to motherhood! It changes when they become teenagers-my 17 ds is at a party now & I don’t even know the girl who’s party it is.
Enjoy ever moment with your baby & ignore absolutely everyone who tells you that you a proper break. Only you know when that will be.

He's very young. I didn't ever want to be away from mine at that age either. I still don't tbh. They are 7, 5 and 3.

Doesn't sound like the reason is purely love, it sounds like anxiety to me. Very common and you could say "natural" to a degree as were designed to protect our young. I can completely u set stand this feeling if you were concerned the person watching the baby wasn't really attuned to him but if you trust your DH and he's a capable father then you should try to give them more time in their own and you'll eventually get used to it and learn to relish it!

@EspressoDoubleShot

Presumably the husband doesn’t get the opportunity. She’s too anxious to be apart from the baby.

It’s very problematic.

OP, it might not feel like it but your baby’s father is every bit as much of a parent to him as you are and deserves/needs to be trusted to care for him on their own. If baby cries it’s because he isn’t used to it and they’ll figure it out. I can’t actually imagine being like that with my own husband, how insulting if I said I didn’t want him to care for his son because of my own anxiety. I’d be looking into getting some help for your anxiety as this isn’t healthy for any of you. Totally normal to me to not want to leave him with others, but his parent? This will cause so many issues when baby gets older, doesn’t feel comfortable with his dad on their own, you never get a rest as only mum will do, if you need a hospital stay or to go somewhere urgently he’ll be so upset as he isn’t comfortable with his father. Your husband may start to resent you or check out as he’s clearly not needed or trusted.

Look up maternal gate keeping. Not saying you’re doing any of this deliberately but you should be aware of the situation you’re creating here. You have got to think about what’s best for your baby and try your best not to let your adult anxieties and worries make things difficult for him.

I think the people who are saying that this is absolutely normal and who are cheering you in, are missing the salient bits of your updates. Such as this:

But I get panicky. It’s like a guilt, I worry that my son will decide he wants me and that he’s upset and that my DH is having a nightmare

Choosing to spend every moment with one's baby because it makes you happy, is one thing. But finding it hard to leave them in even their father's care because it makes you anxious and panicky is another.

Also your husband has picked up one something being wrong. So let's assume that your fear is real, and affecting the lives of all three of you.

I would definitely contract your health visitor. You can be helped through this.

MN is very weird at times, OP, and suggesting it's in any way odd for a mother of a young baby to feel she needs to be with him is bonkers.

The bond of a mother to an infant is incredibly strong and compelling and you see it across all species. Ducks. Sheep. Cows. And humans.

Since we ARE humans, though, we have more choices and we lead complicated lives. It's normal in our society (not all) to share the care with the other parent, which is good if only because if you were indisposed it would be less distressing to your baby if he were used to DH taking over, and would give DH the confidence to feel he can do it just fine.

Good morning all. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

About the ‘EBF’ thing - sorry, I didn’t get the terminology right, I was simply trying to point out that he didn’t have formula/pumped milk. This isn’t because I ‘use it as a badge of honour’ @shouldistop, because we tried a bottle but due to an undiagnosed severe tongue tie he would never take one, even after it was revised. I didn’t include solids because they’re so unreliable. He isn’t ‘gobbling down meat and veg’ like @museumum said hers was, he loves porridge one day and hates it the next. He’s just not that big on solids yet, he has other priorities I suppose, all babies are different. But I only mentioned it to highlight that breastfeeding is still really important which I think is quite significant to why I feel the way I do, but apologies if I made a mistake about the terminology.

Thank you to everyone for their responses. I’m going to chat to DH today about my worries and about getting more time away from DS. As I said before, they have a great relationship and DS is comfortable with other people. I am not concerned about those two at all, DS is happy to see other people/be held etc. He’s clingy at the moment yes, but as I said uptheead he’s clingy with DH too and will choose him over me sometimes, and me over him over others, so I’m not concerned about that at all, it’s me that I am worried about! I’ll build up some more time apart, see how I feel if watch myself. I’ll talk to my GP (don’t like my HV!) if something seems off. But not going to spend whole days apart as I don’t want to to be honest. But more time to do more stuff for me would be good so I don’t lose myself. Thanks again all. Xx

I don't think this is unusual at all, especially if you are breastfeeding. I don't know why people are so obsessed with trying to separate mothers and babies as long as tje Mother is happy with the situation.

@Blendabrethin

I don't think this is unusual at all, especially if you are breastfeeding. I don't know why people are so obsessed with trying to separate mothers and babies as long as tje Mother is happy with the situation.

This isn't about anyone wanting to separate them. It's OP's feelings of anxiety and panic (words she's used herself) that have brought her to ask our advice.

Her DH has also noticed that there's something wrong, so I think we can trust them both to know the difference between normal attachment and anxiety.

@Blendabrethin

I don't think this is unusual at all, especially if you are breastfeeding. I don't know why people are so obsessed with trying to separate mothers and babies as long as tje Mother is happy with the situation.

Does dad not get a say?

I was EXACTLY the same with my first DS. My first afternoon away from him he was 9 months and I hated it! I was still breast feeding too, and it was partly to do with that but mostly I just loved him so much I didn't want to be away from him, he was just the best thing ever.

He is now nearly four and we have an eighteen month old too and I love them both so much but also LOVE a break from them

@saraclara

I think the people who are saying that this is absolutely normal and who are cheering you in, are missing the salient bits of your updates. Such as this:

But I get panicky. It’s like a guilt, I worry that my son will decide he wants me and that he’s upset and that my DH is having a nightmare

Choosing to spend every moment with one's baby because it makes you happy, is one thing. But finding it hard to leave them in even their father's care because it makes you anxious and panicky is another.

Also your husband has picked up one something being wrong. So let's assume that your fear is real, and affecting the lives of all three of you.

I would definitely contract your health visitor. You can be helped through this.

100% this. There's an important distinction between how other posters have felt, and how the OP is feeling. I don't think it's helpful that posters are coming on to say it's normal when OP and her DH both suspect something else may be wrong.

OP i'm glad you're going to have a chat with your DH, and keep an eye on how you're feeling. I hope it helps with the feelings of panic and anxiety.

Her baby is only nine months!

I didn’t want children to be honest

I think this statement merits unpacking.

So what happened? Did you just change your mind one day or was it an unplanned pregnancy? Now that your baby is here do you feel guilty that he might not have been born?

@3ormorecharactersss

Good morning all. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

About the ‘EBF’ thing - sorry, I didn’t get the terminology right, I was simply trying to point out that he didn’t have formula/pumped milk. This isn’t because I ‘use it as a badge of honour’ @shouldistop, because we tried a bottle but due to an undiagnosed severe tongue tie he would never take one, even after it was revised. I didn’t include solids because they’re so unreliable. He isn’t ‘gobbling down meat and veg’ like @museumum said hers was, he loves porridge one day and hates it the next. He’s just not that big on solids yet, he has other priorities I suppose, all babies are different. But I only mentioned it to highlight that breastfeeding is still really important which I think is quite significant to why I feel the way I do, but apologies if I made a mistake about the terminology.

Thank you to everyone for their responses. I’m going to chat to DH today about my worries and about getting more time away from DS. As I said before, they have a great relationship and DS is comfortable with other people. I am not concerned about those two at all, DS is happy to see other people/be held etc. He’s clingy at the moment yes, but as I said uptheead he’s clingy with DH too and will choose him over me sometimes, and me over him over others, so I’m not concerned about that at all, it’s me that I am worried about! I’ll build up some more time apart, see how I feel if watch myself. I’ll talk to my GP (don’t like my HV!) if something seems off. But not going to spend whole days apart as I don’t want to to be honest. But more time to do more stuff for me would be good so I don’t lose myself. Thanks again all. Xx

Sounds like a very positive update OP.

I was like this. Never had any interest in kids, didn't want them at all... Got pregnant accidentally and was shocked at how much love I felt while pregnant and then when he was born... wow. I was very attached.