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Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 20:33

@SkinnyMirror if he is pissed off he hasn’t told me. I asked him if he felt like I was gatekeeping and he said no. He’s been really supportive of me, but as I said earlier he has asked a few questions which make me think maybe he’s a bit concerned about me, but not about their relationship. As I have said they have a great relationship and no bonding issues at all. Again, as I said this isn’t about DH or DS and DH, it’s about me. I can’t explain to why I worry about it, that’s why I am asking here if it’s weird or not. And the responses are so mixed I still don’t know!

OP posts:
PlasticDinosaur · 22/08/2021 20:34

Also - my DS is in nursery 9-3 three days a week and goes for sleepovers with his grandparents regularly. I definitely have alot of freedom now compared to the early days and he has zero seperation anxiety day to day.

Peacrock · 22/08/2021 20:34

It sounds like it's affecting your life really, ie you say you don't want to go back to work as you picture him left there crying. Absolutely nought wrong with their not wanting to go back to work, or to not want to use nursery- but the basis of that decision seems fairly unrational. I don't think it's unusual to not want to leave a young child, but some of your posts seem as though the thin line into benefitting from some support for your feelings is maybe being crossed.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/08/2021 20:34

Not weird at all.

Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 20:34

Thank you for all the lovely comments ❤️

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 22/08/2021 20:36

I was exactly the same! I personally think it's totally normal from a evolutionary standpoint. Trust your instincts and do what's right for you.

Whinge · 22/08/2021 20:37

as I said earlier he has asked a few questions which make me think maybe he’s a bit concerned about me

Could you give some examples of these questions? It sounds like he's noticed you're struggling, which is also something you've noticed as well.

shouldistop · 22/08/2021 20:38

Sounds normal to me. I've felt the same with both of mine. As they got older it's easier being away from them but it's a gradual thing and perfectly natural.
People used to say to me I needed to leave ds1 or he'd be too clingy. He's 5 now and not clingy in the slightest, extremely confident and skipped off into his first day of school a week ago without a backward glance.
Ds2 is 8.5 months and is clingy because he's a baby. Normal.

Airyfairymarybeary · 22/08/2021 20:39

Very normal and natural feeling, especially if breastfeeding.

Peacrock · 22/08/2021 20:39

@Whinge

as I said earlier he has asked a few questions which make me think maybe he’s a bit concerned about me

Could you give some examples of these questions? It sounds like he's noticed you're struggling, which is also something you've noticed as well.

Yes I'd say that's usually a sign that perhaps something is going on.
crochetandcoffeebreaks · 22/08/2021 20:46

Your anxiety seems to be that there isn't someone else there that can provide the nurture that DS is used to with you - your DH is there for that. You're both his parents and care for him, so I would say to stop limiting your DH's time with your DS and use that time to take a mental break. You can take it day by day or week by week and increase the time you spend away from your DS. At least you'll know he's in the house with you and is safe. He's only 9 months old, you don't need to send him to nursery or anything you're not comfortable with, but definitely don't sideline your DH!

aquamarine1 · 22/08/2021 20:48

I was the same OP. My two are now 7 and 5 and perfectly well adjusted children! I breastfed both until they were two and I didn't go back to work until the youngest was 2 and a half. I have left them twice now for overnights since the youngest turned 4 and I felt happy to do so but I would not ever have been pressured into doing things too soon for us. I don't judge people who leave their children from an early age so I don't accept judgement on my parenting choices either.

Lemonpink88 · 22/08/2021 20:49

Yes I was like you, I got pregnant & had another baby. Having more than one means I have to accept a little more help but yes the first time my eldest was away from me was when my contractions ranked up with ds2 & I left him to go give birth. My eldest was ebf & now my second whose over a year now. Neither are clingy & enjoy nursery & are independent- you are totally normal I felt the same, enjoy it

crochetandcoffeebreaks · 22/08/2021 20:51

Sorry OP I just saw your latest update, it's great that your DS responds postively to both of you Smile BTW I don't personally think the attachment itself if out of the ordinary, I was similar with DS and now DD, but maybe speak to someone you're comfortable with about the fears you feel when you're not with DS?

georgarina · 22/08/2021 20:58

Can you leave DS with someone you trust and video call while you're away to give you reassurance that it's fine and he's ok?

I think some posters are missing the point that you're not leaving him in part due to anxiety rather than as a preference.

Giantwaterbottle · 22/08/2021 21:01

I don't think it's weird. I was exactly the same with DS1. Harder with a second as you have to split yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with it and it shows a strong healthy bond.
In hindsight I wish I had left him with family a few more times but he was very clingy and the stress wouldn't have been worth it!
He's a very independent 3 year old now but still loves his mummy.
Do what feels right for you OP

RowanAlong · 22/08/2021 21:01

I was the same with my first. Enjoy the closeness, and by about age 1 you’ll find yourself more able to unclench and enjoy time away to yourself. It’s not too weird or uncommon in my experience, it’s just how it is with your first child...

Whinge · 22/08/2021 21:05

I think some posters are missing the point that you're not leaving him in part due to anxiety rather than as a preference.

Yes I think it's quite an important distinction. Whilst it's normal to want to be with your little one, it's not normal to have intense anxiety to the point you worry constantly when they're away from you, which is what the Op has indicated is happening. I just think I’d be sat at home all day thinking about him and wondering if he’s okay. Which is what I tend to do now, even when he’s out with DH.

TableFlowerss · 22/08/2021 21:11

Wait until the terrible 2’s start, I bet you’ll look back at this and think WTF was I thinking and will be begging your DH to take him out for a day so you can get some peace! 😂

TableFlowerss · 22/08/2021 21:13

@Giantwaterbottle

I don't think it's weird. I was exactly the same with DS1. Harder with a second as you have to split yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with it and it shows a strong healthy bond. In hindsight I wish I had left him with family a few more times but he was very clingy and the stress wouldn't have been worth it! He's a very independent 3 year old now but still loves his mummy. Do what feels right for you OP
*a strong healthy bond*

She doesn’t want DC father to look after him. That’s not a healthy way of thinking….

DysmalRadius · 22/08/2021 21:16

I was the same as you at that age - I think it's normal when you know there's no REAL reason to be apart. If you return to work and need childcare, then you have to start making that mental shift to ready yourself for nursery etc, but when you don't it's not necessary and there's no reason why you should try and force yourself to be ready any earlier.

It definitely gets easier when they aren't so reliant on you, in my experience, as you can take more of a step back without feeling as though you're abandoning them and it's a treat to see them gaining independence.

daisypond · 22/08/2021 21:20

Do what feels right for you OP

This isn’t necessarily good advice. What may feel right in the here and now for the mum may not be right at all in the long term for the mum, dad or the child.

Patapouf · 22/08/2021 21:22

9 months is still very little. I think biologically it's more abnormal to not be with your child most of the time at that age (but I am pleased the Modern Woman has the option and societies expectations have changed).

I think family members who pressure new mums to spend time away from their babies are dickheads.

Patapouf · 22/08/2021 21:24

@Mushtullo

Yes, why is he EBF at 9 months?
What sort of a fucking question is this? You do know the WHO says human babies ideally should be EBF until 2 years. EBF doesn't mean no food it means no milk from another mammal 🤦🏻‍♀️
shouldistop · 22/08/2021 21:30

@Patapouf

To think I’m weird about my son?