Page 7 | To think I’m weird about my son?

3ormorecharactersss · 2021-08-22T14:38:58+00:00

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this. Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human. This was very rambled, sorry.

VaguelyInteresting · 22/08/2021 19:54

YABU possibly a bit- BUT bear with- I’m saying this from a very personal perspective. It may not apply to you at all. Do just disregard if you think it’s unhelpful. It might help someone else though...

I was much the same, to the letter in fact- and THEN some. In my case, though, because I myself had a traumatic childhood, (I basically have PTSD), this spilled over into PNA (postnatal anxiety) - I never felt safe as a child, so I was determined to make sure/obsessed with keeping DS safe, is the short version.

So... In the case of DS and I, we sort of... over bonded. I can’t remember the psychoanalytical name for it now. But not only was the love I felt for him was beyond beyond anything I’ve ever felt (normal and reasonable for new mothers), but I was like... hyper actively bonding. I wouldn’t leave him. Wouldn’t let anyone hold him. Obsessed with keeping him safe. It was the exact opposite of when women talk about NOT bonding when they have PND. It sounds like “what’s the problem? You just love your baby?” but it’s every bit as necessary to address as NOT bonding.

What “helped” me actually, was I separated from his father when DS was 9 months (not unrelated to the above) and then I had to go back to work full time to make things work financially. So DS had to go to nursery and I had to let go a bit. It was so hard. Traumatic for me in fact- but I got great help from a therapist and came out the other side. Four years on, I do still have anxiety relapses now and then but on the whole am “well.”
DS and I still have an amazing bond, to a healthy level. He doesn’t have separation anxiety although he does prefer my company to his peers, which I’m working on supporting him with (possibly just a symptom of being an only child in a LP family in a pandemic...)
I think I’m a good mum- ofc I have my moments when I think “god I cocked that up”, and DS is a cheeky sod, but crucially- it’s a healthy tie. I’m also able to live my own life- even to leave him for a few days with a family member for work trips or just personal downtime. Unthinkable a few years ago- but so necessary because as a single mum, I do need to recharge now and then.

I hope this hasn’t worried you or seemed like I want to pathologise a normal process of bonding. Because most likely it is normal and a wonderful experience to feel love like that- but my personal experience says to just... keep an eye on yourself. Watch for levels of anxiety creeping in that seem over the top or impact on your life, or OCD tendencies - and if they appear... speak to someone. Postnatal anxiety isn’t well understood by lots of practitioners (gets confused with postpartum depression and sometimes even postpartum psychosis- it’s very different to both) and it’s worth seeking out a specialist to help if you find yourself in this position.

Eloisedublin123 · 22/08/2021 19:56

It’s absolutely fine OP!

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 19:56

You know it’s ok to done something just for yourself,you’re not solely mum
It’s ok (and fun) to accept an invitational go out and make safe arrangements.
Keep your work contacts and I’d maintain Industry knowledge so you can return and feel confident
Take time,have a think, do you feel ok?are you anxious or worried?

I’d recommend Buy a cot bed and stop the cosleeping it’s not necessary

MsChatterbox · 22/08/2021 19:56

I was exactly the same. He's older now (3) and I'm happy to leave him. I'm exactly the same with my second baby. I feel calm knowing when she's older I'll probably be happy to leave her too. For me it's about their understanding and level of communication.

ActonSquirrel · 22/08/2021 19:58

Haven't read the thread but not weird to not want to leave him with a baby sitter / other family.

A bit weird to not even want to leave him with his other parent. What do you think will happen?

Miseryl · 22/08/2021 19:59

Why do you think your DH can't look after the baby as well as you? That is verging on arrogant and very unfair.

samsalmon · 22/08/2021 19:59

OP, I think I probably felt the same anxiety about the baby fretting etc away from me at 9 months, but a few months later, with her showing increasing independence and curiosity (especially about other children!), I decided on a day a week at nursery and it was great. A few tears at drop off at the beginning and then fine. Like others say, take it at your own pace, let things come naturally in terms of separation. It will happen, of course it will. The only thing I would say is I do think DH should be able to take care of the baby for longer periods on a more regular basis, it will do you all good in the long run, trust me.

Whinge · 22/08/2021 20:00

@VaguelyInteresting

YABU possibly a bit- BUT bear with- I’m saying this from a very personal perspective. It may not apply to you at all. Do just disregard if you think it’s unhelpful. It might help someone else though...

I was much the same, to the letter in fact- and THEN some. In my case, though, because I myself had a traumatic childhood, (I basically have PTSD), this spilled over into PNA (postnatal anxiety) - I never felt safe as a child, so I was determined to make sure/obsessed with keeping DS safe, is the short version.

So... In the case of DS and I, we sort of... over bonded. I can’t remember the psychoanalytical name for it now. But not only was the love I felt for him was beyond beyond anything I’ve ever felt (normal and reasonable for new mothers), but I was like... hyper actively bonding. I wouldn’t leave him. Wouldn’t let anyone hold him. Obsessed with keeping him safe. It was the exact opposite of when women talk about NOT bonding when they have PND. It sounds like “what’s the problem? You just love your baby?” but it’s every bit as necessary to address as NOT bonding.

What “helped” me actually, was I separated from his father when DS was 9 months (not unrelated to the above) and then I had to go back to work full time to make things work financially. So DS had to go to nursery and I had to let go a bit. It was so hard. Traumatic for me in fact- but I got great help from a therapist and came out the other side. Four years on, I do still have anxiety relapses now and then but on the whole am “well.”
DS and I still have an amazing bond, to a healthy level. He doesn’t have separation anxiety although he does prefer my company to his peers, which I’m working on supporting him with (possibly just a symptom of being an only child in a LP family in a pandemic...)
I think I’m a good mum- ofc I have my moments when I think “god I cocked that up”, and DS is a cheeky sod, but crucially- it’s a healthy tie. I’m also able to live my own life- even to leave him for a few days with a family member for work trips or just personal downtime. Unthinkable a few years ago- but so necessary because as a single mum, I do need to recharge now and then.

I hope this hasn’t worried you or seemed like I want to pathologise a normal process of bonding. Because most likely it is normal and a wonderful experience to feel love like that- but my personal experience says to just... keep an eye on yourself. Watch for levels of anxiety creeping in that seem over the top or impact on your life, or OCD tendencies - and if they appear... speak to someone. Postnatal anxiety isn’t well understood by lots of practitioners (gets confused with postpartum depression and sometimes even postpartum psychosis- it’s very different to both) and it’s worth seeking out a specialist to help if you find yourself in this position.

This is a very insightful post. I suspect had you posted on here at the time many would have said it's normal, fine, completely natural etc. However, it just highlights how sometimes even though everything seems ok, it can actually be the exact opposite. Well done for getting help, and your relationship with your son sounds wonderful.

VaguelyInteresting · 22/08/2021 20:00

Also he was EBF and I didn’t stop BF untilhe was 2. We still cosleep most nights.

chalamet · 22/08/2021 20:01

I’d say he’s pretty young still at 9 months. As long as it doesn’t start to escalate to not allowing him to go to nursery because you’re scared of other people looking after him/can’t be separated from him, wanting to homeschool for the same reasons etc… you’re probably ok.

SoundBar · 22/08/2021 20:01

OP with DC1 I didn't stay away from him overnight until he was 4. I just didn't want to.

In the end it's your choice as a mother. Your mother and OH's mother have had their turn. It's your turn now and you decide how things will go.

chalamet · 22/08/2021 20:05

Oh… just noticed you don’t feel comfortable with DH having baby for much more than an hour. That’s probably not ok.

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 20:06

Thank you to everyone replying, I am reading them all even though I’m not responding to them all. I really appreciate all your answers.

OP posts:

ItsSunnyOutside · 22/08/2021 20:09

DS is still a baby. 9 months old. As long as you feel ok in yourself op, there is nothing wrong with feeling like that. I was the same with my dd. I really did not like being away from her , I still don't. We never actually spent more then an hour apart for the first 18 months. She is nearly 2 now and is increasingly independent. Super cuddly, clever and cheeky.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 22/08/2021 20:11

My children didn't go to nursery until 3. Nor did we have grandparents to leave them with regularly. They went out and about, but with me!

They are now independent and self reliant young people with plenty of friends.

SkinnyMirror · 22/08/2021 20:12

How does your DH feel about not being left to look after his own son for more than an hour?

I'd say that's something that needs to be addressed.

HangingChads · 22/08/2021 20:12

It's ok except for not letting your DH look after him - that would be a problem for me.

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 20:12

Hey @VaguelyInteresting I’m so sorry you went through that. Did you have any counselling? Thank you for replying, it has given me food for thought. I don’t know what I’m anxious about exactly. But the thought of him crying and me not being there to comfort and support him. I find the thought very stressful. Even though, when we’re at home sometimes it’s DH who comforts him and DH he wants not me. But I still feel like I need to be there just in case. Maybe I’ll grow out of it in time. I love the idea of nursery, he has some little friends and I took him to baby groups and he had a great time, so it would be great for him to bond and interact. But I just think I’d be sat at home all day thinking about him and wondering if he’s okay. Which is what I tend to do now, even when he’s out with DH.

OP posts:

TinaYouFatLard · 22/08/2021 20:13

If you do want to change things a bit, look at it from the perspective that one of the most loving things you can do for a child is allow them to love and be loved by as many people as possible. You aren’t letting him down by encouraging and facilitating closer relationships with others - quite the opposite.

I have twins and so didn’t really have the option of being too possessive. They now as young teens have wonderfully close and loving bonds with their grandparents and aunties etc. It does not diminish our bond in any way.

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 20:15

@TinaYouFatLard I love that, that’s a wonderful way of putting it. Xx

OP posts:

peachesarenom · 22/08/2021 20:17

I was exactly the same and don't regret a thing! I was also EBF.

DS is almost three now and I'm happy to leave him for even up to 5/6 hours with the right person. It started as an hour or two but only when he and I were ready.

Lots of people had opinions but honestly it was our norm and we were both very happy as was DH.

Enjoy!

Time apart will evolve naturally don't let yourself be rushed xxx

SkinnyMirror · 22/08/2021 20:17

But I still feel like I need to be there just in case.

Why though? I'd be pretty pissed of about this if I were your DH.

DS and DH have always done their own thing in a Saturday morning - since he was weeks old. DS is 7 now and they still do it and it's great. I've never, ever worried about DS. Not even once .

2andahalfpints · 22/08/2021 20:19

You are not weird, it is a natural feeling. Modern life dictates that lots of us have to leave babies to work. If you don't need to, don't want to and are happy as you are, carry on 😊

I was like this with my youngest, as she got older we went to playgroups together, she went to nursery then school and is a feisty, independent tween now so it never did any harm.

Elkey · 22/08/2021 20:19

Honestly, I think this sounds perfectly normal. Many people aren't the same, of course, but it's not weird to want to be with your infant all the time. There are many ways to parent and this is just who you are as a mother. It's only a problem if it makes you unhappy.

PlasticDinosaur · 22/08/2021 20:30

It's perfectly normal to not want to leave a defenceless baby without you for extended periods of time. With my first I left him for a morning as a one off with my parents at that age but didn't leave him a full day until he was 14 months. He was and is very tactile and was most put out whenever I left him. Still gets cross when I put him to bed and go downstairs at almost 4. My DD is the same age as your son and could not give a toss, quite happy with dad, grandparents, probably whoever. They're different personalities and you respond to what they need.