To not know what to do about this gift

[summersending]

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really

Okay then. I’ll stick with the evidence and my own reluctant experience. I saw an NHS Physiotherapist got back pain. She suggested Acupuncture (cheap, since they stick the needles in then go off to deal with another patient). I asked if there was any evidence of efficacy. She admitted there wasn’t, so we agreed to do actual physiotherapy instead!

She obviously wasn't familiar with the research, which she should have told you. I saw an acupuncturist who was also a trained physiotherapist.

You know what? All these people saying your ungrateful etc can do one. If I was given an unwanted gift, I would either try to return for a refund (they might not accept if you don’t have the receipt for the vouchers) or sell on for as close the face value as possible. If you live far enough away, could you join any marketplace FB groups that are local to you and unlikely to appear on his feed?

Can you contact the centre yourself and find out if they would refund in this instance? If they will then you can ask relative to get a refund (giving some sort of excuse/reason so as not to hurt their feelings if you like). If they don't do refunds then donate them to a charity raffle or eBay them (have sold tickets that way) and buy yourself the nice things you would like.

I used to fall asleep in acupuncture (and reflexology) I would love those vouchers!

However, if someone had bought me expensive vouchers for a full makeover and boudoir photo shoot I would probably feel like you do about those vouchers op.

@BeauxRingarde

Okay then. I’ll stick with the evidence and my own reluctant experience. I saw an NHS Physiotherapist got back pain. She suggested Acupuncture (cheap, since they stick the needles in then go off to deal with another patient). I asked if there was any evidence of efficacy. She admitted there wasn’t, so we agreed to do actual physiotherapy instead!

She obviously wasn't familiar with the research, which she should have told you. I saw an acupuncturist who was also a trained physiotherapist.

I don’t doubt it, but there is evidence from robust scientific studies that it does not work!

I can see what he’s done- you’ve said (from what I gather, when feeling under pressure and probably thinking he’s only going to get you a one session voucher) that you’d give it a try. But he’s essentially gifted you a voucher to cover around 10 sessions. He’s been very kind, but overly so leaving you in an awkward position.
If you’re anywhere near the South East I’d consider buying them, but in also wondering if they sell any sort of products that you could use the voucher on. I had some sessions at a chiropractor once and they also sold a range of pillows and exercise mats, so it might be worth speaking to them to see if they offer anything like that.

God, OP, if you're still reading this thread, then you have the patience of a saint.

I LOATHE being touched (for what it's worth, I am autistic) and the thought of somebody spending such a huge sum of money on me to be feathery-stroked through some woo bollocks make me feel physically ill.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to have to woman up on this one, go back to your relative (cousin? Brother? Uncle?) and explain.

Honestly, spell it out simply and logically, giving the reasons you've detailed here. Perhaps some initial upset, but you'll feel better in the long run (even without partaking of acupuncture) and your relative will be £300 better off.

Nice guidelines for chronic pain management April 2021 includes acupuncture/dry needling.

Why the committee made the recommendations:
Many studies (27 in total) showed that acupuncture reduced pain and improved quality of life in the short term (3 months) compared with usual care or sham acupuncture.

^ That was for @AnnieSnap not the OP

I don’t doubt it, but there is evidence from robust scientific studies that it does not work!

I'm not sure you know how scientific studies work. A study not having found that something does categorically work is not the same thing as finding that it categorically doesn't.
Especialy when you realise that there are many robust scientific studies suggesting that it does.

Are you suggesting your single ill informed physiotherapist knows more than the NICE experts?

@TatianaBis

Nice guidelines for chronic pain management April 2021 includes acupuncture/dry needling.

Why the committee made the recommendations:
Many studies (27 in total) showed that acupuncture reduced pain and improved quality of life in the short term (3 months) compared with usual care or sham acupuncture.

It’s cheap (loved by NICE) and the placebo efficacy is good. Maybe read the more recent scientific papers.

@BeauxRingarde I know exactly how scientific study works. I stand by my points.

It’s cheap (loved by NICE) and the placebo efficacy is good. Maybe read the more recent scientific papers

Like the ones I mentioned that put efficacy at 20%^ above placebo? Maybe its you should read them?

April 2021 is recent.

Acupuncture is not particularly cheap, no. And the studies indicated 'reduced pain' and 'improved quality of life' compared with the placebo - 'sham'.

Do you know any relatives or friends who would like them as a Christmas present? If the place won’t refund, it will likely break them down into smaller vouchers (I have done this before with restaurant vouchers) e.g. so one relative could have a Pilates session, another an acupuncture session etc? If so, perhaps your Christmas gift money could be spent on the things you want for yourself.

If the original relative finds out, just say that you enjoyed your treatments so much that you bought vouchers for others, but next time you would really love it if he would buy you X/Y for a change.

I would give it a try. I feel like any other response than that would hurt the feelings of someone who has tried hard to please you. Reiki or reflexology both might be a pleasant experience.

Why oh why are comments still debating the issue of pain and acupuncture/ alternative remedies when the OP clearly wrote that she doesn't have any interest in those kind of therapies at all. You're all hell bent on pushing your own agenda citing your own experiences which obviously don't chime with the OP's wants or lifestyle, so why make it all about you and how you dealt with pain etc?
That's ignoring the OP's preferences.

@Localocal
It doesn't follow that the OP should leave her benefactor thinking he'd lit on the very present she'd be thrilled with.
That's a lie and deceitful in a different way.
Pretending to be pleased is false and persons with ASD or any other acronym need to be told in a clear but kind manner why a certain gift isn't suitable. They should be just as capable as the rest of us of understanding a gentle thanks but no thank you and why.
I have been gifted really expensive wines and spirits and I offered thanks but politely declined the gift as I don't drink alcohol. Had I taken the gifts, then more would follow.
Should we pussyfoot around and be afraid to tell the truth just to please someone else but not ourselves...which was the point of the gift?
IMO, no.

@LoisLane66

Why oh why are comments still debating the issue of pain and acupuncture/ alternative remedies when the OP clearly wrote that she doesn't have any interest in those kind of therapies at all. You're all hell bent on pushing your own agenda citing your own experiences which obviously don't chime with the OP's wants or lifestyle, so why make it all about you and how you dealt with pain etc? That's ignoring the OP's preferences.

She said it wouldn’t be such a problem if it was just a one-time voucher.

Really, the problem is more the sheer AMOUNT spent on the gift. If it was just one session it would be a bit annoying but no big deal. But £300 commits me for several sessions and that’s what I’m a bit annoyed about

Lots of people are suggesting she goes just one time, hence fulfilling the ‘gift’ thing.

The money’s already spent. Her relative (having listened to her concerns about her bad back, and checking in that she might be open to this, and getting a ‘yes’ from OP) has given this gift.

OP just needs to try it or tell her relative it’s no good. Her preferences are fine, totally. But she needs to be honest about them.

The older you get, the more you realise you can only change yourself - whether that’s insisting on having your opinion heard, or letting go of annoyance at stuff like this. You can’t change other people. You can only communicate clearly and unambiguously and deal with the consequences (or not, but then you have to put up and shut up.)

The OP might like to try the NextDoor app to sell the vouchers.

My physio offered acupuncture for my slipped disc. In fact my pain management consultant recommended it too. Maybe try not to be so closed to alternative ideas.

@LoisLane66

Why oh why are comments still debating the issue of pain and acupuncture/ alternative remedies when the OP clearly wrote that she doesn't have any interest in those kind of therapies at all. You're all hell bent on pushing your own agenda citing your own experiences which obviously don't chime with the OP's wants or lifestyle, so why make it all about you and how you dealt with pain etc? That's ignoring the OP's preferences.

Probably because threads take all kinds of turns and we aren't actually talking to the OP, but each other? Pipe down, thread police!

I understand your frustration OP.

Slightly different situation but I had a relative who was mad on online shopping. He regularly ordered random bits for me and my children which we didn't need nor ask for, then expect me to be home to take delivery of it all when it was due regardless of my plans.

I remember feeling pretty annoyed, largely with myself, for not insisting he stopped because it wasn't convenient or nessecary.

If I were you I'd call the place and ask whether a refund is possible, depending on what they say i'd then have a think about how to approach it with him.

@summersending

A restaurant?!

I’m a cynic. I think he wants me to have the acupuncture but I’m just not sure about all of this. It’s one hell of a lot of money that will literally not bring me any pleasure at all and in fact a fuck of a lot of inconvenience and I feel mildly annoyed at that and even more annoyed with myself that I didn’t just say NO I think it’s a load of bull.

But I doubt he’d have listened

I will tell you from personal experience that acupuncture can do WONDERS, and is not the least bit painful. I had it for an old back injury several years ago, and was pain-free for the first time in years. Broke my heart when the company I worked for changed insurance companies, and the new one didn't cover the treatments. I also have a friend who is HIGHLY sensitive to anesthetics who had her second (and last) child via C-section with NOTHING but acupuncture for pain. Said it worked a charm!

Tell him its a beautiful present, but as its so expensive you will only accept if he promises not to buy you any more presents in future - only home-made cards instead . Say that you will call it your "wonderful infinity gift" that you will remember on every special occasion. Try to enjoy the spa experience and then tell him afterwards all about it. Make it clear that it was so good that once in a life time is enough.