To not know what to do about this gift

[summersending]

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really

@summersending

Problem with FB marketplace is he has FB so runs the risk of him seeing it.

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it.

I have had disc issues in the past, and my osteopath has used acupuncture to ease muscle spasms. Acupuncture isn't Woo like homeopathy, it's a fairly well established treatment. If you have back problems that cause you pain why not use the vouchers? You literally have nothing to lose.

Just sell them on ebay or re gift them.

Perhaps if you were able to name the venue, someone here might make an offer if local.

I've skimmed the thread, but admit to not having read it thoroughly. Here is how I see it:

-relative with ASD believes they've found the perfect gift for OP (considering her slipped disc) and spends an awful lot of money on it.

-OP is not interested in alternative therapies (fair enough - sounds like my idea of hell too), but is now looking for advice on how to deal with the situation.

-a lot of people seem to think OP should do something against her wishes, which she shouldn't, because it's a thoughtful.

From my perspective - as an adult with ASD who can agonise over gift choices - I think the vouchers were given with the best intention. To him, finding something that might potentially help someone with a problem then have - even more so if it's something they would enjoy - is a win in terms of gift giving. He probably hasn't considered beyond 'this would be good as it will help her back' - he hasn't thought it would 'cure' OP, but that it might help, hence why it's the "perfect" gift. He probably hasn't thought about her personal thoughts on alternative therapies, just that this must be a perfect gift as it could help with pain.

Ultimately, OP doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want/like, regardless of whether she was given vouchers for free or otherwise - I cannot stand being touched by anybody I don't trust, so it would be a nightmare for me.

You say relative - how close of a relative? I appreciate straightforward and to the point communication, even if it seems hurtful - if I'd given vouchers for, say, a craft activity (something I would very much enjoy), and the person I'd given them to hated the very thought of it, I'd prefer them to say and give them back so I could enjoy them! Would I obsess over my thought process for a long time afterwards? Yes, because I have a lot of anxiety over 'getting things wrong', but if it meant a £300 voucher would actually get used, I'd want to know!

Also, please don't call the spa/treatment centre and 'stress that he isn't NT', or that he has ASD and isn't capable of rational thought (unless you actually think this) - disabled people don't need co-opting to make problems for NT people easier, we're people in our own right (not aimed at the OP, just the PP who suggested it).

Do what Polmuggle suggested. Don’t feel badly about it you have certainly demonstrated you care about his feelings

Have you looked at the literature on this?

Actually yes, and there are some interesting theories on acupuncture and neurotransmitters.

If you haven’t tried what they have to offer it’s v dismissive to say it’s not for you. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

@Hivis

Good Lord. How many times does OP, an intelligent capable woman have to state that she doesn’t want any of these treatments on offer!!

Know what, @summersending? I've changed my mind. I did think you should try and get the vouchers refunded, since you're clearly an intelligent woman who knows her own mind, interests and constraints. But this thread has convinced me, you should give it a go anyway. All of it. Even the potentially dangerous treatments, the entirely impractical ones and the totally-bollocks-complete-waste-of-time ones. Especially those. Do have fun!

Hi op, Reflexology and reiki are both really relaxing, if that’s on offer. If there’s nothing maybe you know someone who would benefit from acupuncture- it is good for pain, but not something I’d find relaxing, why does he think it would be beneficial? Oesteopaths and chiropractors also do good if you have a friend who has probs?
Or, you can just be truthful and say when you looked at the website there wasn’t anything that appealed, so would he like to give it to someone else in the family?

@MumInBrussels

The thing is, the OP already has strategies that work for her and rightly wants to spend her spare time benefitting from them physically and socially.

How close are you to the relative?

If you are close I'd talk to them directly: 'Dad I love that you want to help my slipped disc but I really didn't expect you to spend this much and I dont think I'll have the time to use them, and don't want them to go to waste, do you think there is any way we could get a refund?'

If they are more distant offence is more easily taken.
So go for 1 or 2 'treatments', if you hate it as much as you think you will don't go again and bin them. At least you'll be able to say 'yes Uncle Peter I went for acupunture. They were very nice there and it is was interesting but I don't think it helped.'
No need to tell him you only went once.

It's a minor inconvience in resposne to a kind gesture.

I haven’t rtft just the ops posts, I’m with you OP, I would not want to waste my time on something I’ve no interest in and it’s a massively expensive gift which would make me feel uncomfortable.

I’d either sell them on of you can or ring him and explain you simply don’t have the time to commit to a course of treatment and you don’t really fancy anything on offer anyway, would he like the vouchers back or to try and get a refund? It might upset him but at least you won’t get another £300 worth at Christmas!

I meant to add, I get a lot of expensive but crap gifts from my in-laws, they go in a cupboard for six months then either sold or given to charity, the waste of money makes me want to cry but try as I might they won’t take the hint so now I just let them waste their money and try not to think about it.

My daughter is Autistic and so I guess I'm seeing it more through her eyes, I'd suck it up and go, maybe you can spread the things out over a few months taking different people? I know my daughter wouldn't understand any reason given why her idea wasn't completely correct! But another poster had a good point , try find a way of saying you loved it but a nice way of saying you would like to try something different now as you have already tried that!

I'm entirely with the OP on this. I even dislike getting flowers unless they're the colour and kind I like.
I can think of better ways to spend £300 and I would have to smile through gritted teeth if I smiled at all.
The OP has a young child. Why would she want to have acupuncture (I had it to curb my sweet tooth but it didn't work, only will power works)
Why lie and say you're thrilled if you're not? As others have said, he may be delighted to have found something that pleases you and you'll be snowed under at Christmas and birthdays for the foreseeable unless you carefully explain how you feel.
Does he usually splash out that sort of money on your present. Was it a birthday? Does he have a good job which supports that kind of spending?
Personally, I think he's been talked into it by whoever recommended a health spa but he's accidentally contacted an 'alternative' health centre instead. They've encouraged that level of spend by bigging it up.

I would explain your circumstances to the manager of the 'alternative' health centre. Tell him/her/they that you are just back to work after mat leave and relative has a condition which means he gets fixated on solutions. You would like a refund as you have neither the time nor the inclination to use the vouchers but cannot tell the relative as they would not understand your reasons due to ASD. Offer to take a lesser amount, perhaps £250.
Say why you can't put them for sale on FB.
Just do it otherwise it will irritate you.

Selling the vouchers would be awful - deceitful, hurtful if discovered, a waste of money. Additionally you are bound to be asked about the experience- and if you lie this could be your gift ongoing every Christmas and birthday!! At £300 surely the gift giver had something specific in mind( you’ve complained about bad back/ sore feet etc) and wanted to help resolve?? I think you need to either suspend scepticism and at least give ONE of the treatments a try ( you might actually enjoy/ benefit from it??) or take the bull by the horns and say whilst you really really appreciate the thought and intention, you absolutely do not have the time, energy or wish to try any alternative therapies and you can’t accept such an expensive gift. Even ( especially?) for sensitive , neuro diverse people honesty is still rated far more highly than lies/ lack of clarity or wasting a gift. Good luck!

@BeauxRingarde

Have you looked at the literature on this?

Actually yes, and there are some interesting theories on acupuncture and neurotransmitters.

Yes, there are interesting theories, but if you are a scientist you will know that a theory is tested to see if it’s valid. Testing of theories that acupuncture helps pain, particularly back pain, found no significant evidence that it works! 🤷‍♀️

Honestly. Can you not just suck this up for the sake of kindness? Speaking as a parent of a younger ASD child. The value of the gift is irrelevant. It was given to you in more than good faith, in excitement. Feign enjoyment if you have to.

Yes, there are interesting theories, but if you are a scientist you will know that a theory is tested to see if it’s valid. Testing of theories that acupuncture helps pain, particularly back pain, found no significant evidence that it works!

Of course I know that, I also know there are many studies that show some efficacy of use, even though it is incredibly difficult to study as randomised trial (it's not like a drug study when you can easily give sugar pills).

NICE and the NHS agree that there is "reasonably good evidence" of efficacy for it's use in some circumstances, and a recent large scale meta-analysis showed an efficacy in pain reduction of around 20% over placebo.

As a scientist I also understand that we don't have to know why something works exactly to know it does. That's pretty common in fact.

Is it possible he won the tickets in a raffle and thought they'd be great for you? I was very sceptical about some of these alternative treatments but I agree some can be amazing, especially reflexology. Maybe check out what they have to offer, explain to him that you feel uncomfortable accepting such a lavish gift and are not sure you'll be able to use them fully with the baby and going back to work.

Sorry that you're in this dilemma: a well-intended gift has now turned into a problem for you. Maybe to the person who gifted say: come up for the weekend (you've said in pp that they live some distance away) and we'll use the vouchers together and make a real treat of it?? (In the new year, when you've found your rhythm with work/ family juggle) Or else maybe you could gift them onto someone here?! (I'd happily take them off your hands)

Chiropractors are trained to use acupuncture and and research has proven that using acupuncture on the day embroy/s are put back in the womb can increase the success rate of IVF. Its also widely used to help with hormones during pregnancy maybe that's why he bought it for you.

@BeauxRingarde

Yes, there are interesting theories, but if you are a scientist you will know that a theory is tested to see if it’s valid. Testing of theories that acupuncture helps pain, particularly back pain, found no significant evidence that it works!

Of course I know that, I also know there are many studies that show some efficacy of use, even though it is incredibly difficult to study as randomised trial (it's not like a drug study when you can easily give sugar pills).

NICE and the NHS agree that there is "reasonably good evidence" of efficacy for it's use in some circumstances, and a recent large scale meta-analysis showed an efficacy in pain reduction of around 20% over placebo.

As a scientist I also understand that we don't have to know why something works exactly to know it does. That's pretty common in fact.

Okay then. I’ll stick with the evidence and my own reluctant experience. I saw an NHS Physiotherapist got back pain. She suggested Acupuncture (cheap, since they stick the needles in then go off to deal with another patient). I asked if there was any evidence of efficacy. She admitted there wasn’t, so we agreed to do actual physiotherapy instead!

@ittakes2

Chiropractors are trained to use acupuncture and and research has proven that using acupuncture on the day embroy/s are put back in the womb can increase the success rate of IVF. Its also widely used to help with hormones during pregnancy maybe that's why he bought it for you.

Chiropractors are not approved by the NHS since there is a lack of evidence for efficacy. The nearest effective treatment is osteopathy.

NHS advises the NICE guidelines acknowledge acupuncture maybe helpful for tension headaches
www.nhs.uk/conditions/tension-headaches/
Guidelines from the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) state that a course of up to 10 sessions of acupuncture over a 5- to 8-week period may be beneficial in preventing chronic tension-type headaches.