To not know what to do about this gift

[summersending]

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really

But this is a gift so just not going isn't an option without consequences, like her cousin never speaking to her again because however valid your reasons for not liking it, it will be seen as a massive rejection.

So OP has to have something done to her body so that someone else doesn't feel hurt. wtf

Sell them on eBay. Job done ✅

@Catlover77

Because if she doesn’t try it she will never know. Did you read my post? I was sceptical and am completely converted to acupuncture now.

She doesn’t want to. Why should she? Really pisses me off when people think you will like something they do if you just try it. I have tried things I thought I would hate in the past and guess what? I bloody well did hate it.

@Calmdown14

But this is a gift so just not going isn't an option without consequences, like her cousin never speaking to her again because however valid your reasons for not liking it, it will be seen as a massive rejection. I'd think of it less like a present (obviously you'd have preferred anything else) and more like an invite to a family wedding where you are absolutely obligated to show face. The least bad option here is to pick something that doesn't last too long and that you can lie about and say it helped but you don't need further sessions, e.g Pilates and can now practice at home. You don't need to use the full amount (raffle or sell if certain he won't find out) but I think you'll need to bite the bullet and set foot in there or it will be impossible to lie. 'Did you have Becky?' you can answer 'er...er' or say convincingly 'I've always had Judy'. 'Did you like the waterfall in the reception?'....'yes it looks lovely with the lights'

umm not the least bad option is not to go

She doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to be converted. It's a shit "gift" if someone feels obligated to do something they don't want to do to avoid hurt feelings.

I wouldn't say anything to him except, "Thanks, you shouldn't have spent so much on me. I'm not sure I'll have the time to spend all that on treatments - did you intend to spend so much?"

I'd then get a friend who he doesn't have on FB to sell them in smaller units.

Personally, I think that if someone cares enough about you to not only spend this amount of money but to put effort into choosing it, even if that effort is misguided, you owe them them a degree of courtesy back.

Is it really worth the risk of causing offence and a family rift over not trying something, just once?

Surely we've all worn jumpers , scarves, whatever that we wouldn't necessarily have picked ourselves to let the gift giver see them used?

Is it possible to treat a friend or two? You all go together and make a morning out of it and have lunch after? That way you use it up quickly and have some time with friends. I’d give it a go if a friend invited me, and could even be persuaded to stump up for a nice lunch.

The thread has gone a bit off course, and I’m still unsure of the best way forward.

When it was first excitedly suggested to me I was coming out of soft play and trying to wrestle a baby into a car seat, so agreed to try it. I regret this. I wish I’d just said no, I don’t fancy it, and drawn attention to the things I had suggested I’d like.

When the gift vouchers actually arrived and I saw how much they were for I was a bit horrified, partly because whatever treatment I choose isn’t going to be a question of going once, then that’s it - it’s committing me to going for several sessions probably over several weeks.

I get that if you love stuff like that it’s going to seem lovely. The problem is, I have looked at the treatments and none massively appeal. There are definitely some ‘least worst’ options but I can’t see anything I’d actually really enjoy.

The poster who thought I was making a drama about it - I’m not, really. I will be out of the house 7:30-430 Monday to Friday. So that rules out the week. Weekends, great, I could leave my baby with DP and go, but surely you can appreciate that this impedes upon the time I have and means things I actually DO want to do get put on the back burner? So for example, if I ask DP to have baby for a couple of hours while I have my Pilates session, I then don’t get to go to the gym, or meet a friend for a coffee, or whatever.

Plus, I’m a teacher, so I do have to do some work at weekends! Free time is very precious! And while I have holidays, we have term time only childcare so I run up against the same problem with my baby.

Really, the problem is more the sheer AMOUNT spent on the gift. If it was just one session it would be a bit annoying but no big deal. But £300 commits me for several sessions and that’s what I’m a bit annoyed about, which doesn’t mean I’m not appreciating the thought behind it.

You never previously said you'd like to try it op - whether you were wrestling a baby into a car seat or not, you said you'd like it. You can't then get angry about it. Donate them, sell them, whatever. But take some responsibility in this - you failed to mention up until your last post you'd actually stated you'd like to give it a go. If that's the case, you really have no right to be so annoyed.

@summersending

just bin it. This is causing you so much stress. STOP. Think about this. Why should you jump through hoops for anyone when their "gift" is conditional to you giving up your time?
You wouldn't do this to them, so why give it head space?
Just ignore it for now - and when they ask because they will tell them life didn't/doesn't give you time to do this type of stuff as you have a family (DC/DP) to SPEND TIME WITH ON YOUR TIME AWAY FROM WORK (weekends) and you don't fancy being poked/prodded or stabbed
Be firm.
If you upset them, so be it - hopefully they won't buy to another course.

I’m not angry at all - I’m a bit exasperated and I’m a bit annoyed with myself. However your post is completely wrong, @lyntheyresexpeoplen- there’s a huge difference between ‘I’d really like to try this!’ and ‘I’ve found the most AMAZING gift for you, I’ve found this place and they do XXX …’ and me saying ‘well, umm, okay, but actually I’d quite like - well okay - well yes, all right, yes, thanks.’

At no point did he give any indication he was thinking of spending that amount of money. If he had I’d definitely have firmly said absolutely not, no way.

And that is why it’s a bit of a dilemma, because I don’t want to waste them, but I don’t want them, but I’m uncomfortable with the sheer amount of money full stop. It’s way too much.

He's tried really hard and I get that you don't want to hurt his feelings or knock his confidence. I think that you need to give him hard and fast rules about the maximum amount to spend, and in future mention things you'd like.

This thread is the new ‘cancel the cheque.’

Depending on the therapy £300 may be only 3 appts. Max 4.

You could have an hour’s massage spread a month apart. That wouldn’t take up too much time.

I note that you do not want to go. May I suggest book one in

How to summarise a thread in one line ...

@Calmdown14

Personally, I think that if someone cares enough about you to not only spend this amount of money but to put effort into choosing it, even if that effort is misguided, you owe them them a degree of courtesy back.

Is it really worth the risk of causing offence and a family rift over not trying something, just once?

Surely we've all worn jumpers , scarves, whatever that we wouldn't necessarily have picked ourselves to let the gift giver see them used?

She doesn't want to.

I don't want to jump out a plane. If someone arranged that for me as a gift I wouldn't do it as a courtesy.

Maybe approach it from the money angle, say it's far to generous and you'd like to see if you can get them refunded?

I think what you have said is pretty honest and I think that's what you should say to him.....focussed on something else at the time, mouth working when brain wasn't fully engaged, you meant you would look into it, not that he should pay for you kind though that is...SHOCKED to see the amount spent...therapist/doc has said absolutely not to do it..really really sorry. I suspect he will have had previous experience of NT's and the mouth working without fully engaged brain.

@Wiredforsound

Is it possible to treat a friend or two? You all go together and make a morning out of it and have lunch after? That way you use it up quickly and have some time with friends. I’d give it a go if a friend invited me, and could even be persuaded to stump up for a nice lunch.

Perfect idea 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

@summersending

When I first slipped my disc I had so many things I was told to do. I did them. Pain makes a woman desperate. I will come to that later. They all made sod all difference. Time, movement, water.

I would possibly have more truck with it if acupuncture for infertility wasn’t also offered. As I’ve said, pain makes people desperate and not all pain is physical. Yes I am a cynic but I don’t like it.

I get why you don’t want to use up precious time on something that you don’t want to do but find it strange that you have dismissed acupuncture for infertility. I guess you see it as exploiting the desperate? I had acupuncture during the 2 courses of fertility treatment that actually worked. It’s a common suggestion in infertility circles.

Anyway, I think you should donate your vouchers to a charity raffle as suggested by pp. Then they are off your hands and gone to a good cause.

I understand OP. For my 40th, a group of 8 friends chipped together and gave me a couples spa day, with massage, champagne and nibbles. It was a 6+ hours experience. They said as I never go out, I needed it

They said they would babysit my 4DC. I understood this to mean that they would come to my home and watch the children.

I wasn't too excited as this is not my cup of tea (and it was a simile price range) but whatever, they said they would babysit.

Turns out that they wanted me to drive my DC to theirs (1 hour drive each way) which meant that I could not enjoy the offered champagne (I never drive after I have had a drink). And they could only do 3-4 weekends over the year, all of which were unsuitable for me.

I had to pay for the voucher to be extended, rush back from a training weekend and fly my parents over to babysit.

It was a nice idea but totally to their agenda, not for someone who works full time, doing a PHD, with four young children one of whom has SN. I felt totally pressured and was made to feel ungrateful as I made my own childcare agreements even though I smiled and smiled through all of their terms and conditions for when I could take them up on their kind offer.

A cinema ticket would have been much more appreciated, if I am honest. Again, I would have offered it to someone else, but, word spreads...

You could be honest: ‘I’m really sorry if this sounds ungrateful, rude or hurts your feelings, but I’m going to really struggle to find the time to use these vouchers. I also feel awkward about the amount of money. You are so kind but it feels too much. Can you get a refund? If not then do you mind if I donate the vouchers to someone who could benefit more from them?’ You could be curious about how he came up with the idea and what he was thinking - you’ll get a better sense then if he’s been exploited.

Or...

You just give them to someone who will use them. You could contact the clinic and see if any of the practitioners have clients that struggle to pay for treatments but benefit from them. Or donate them to a carers support group or to a cancer support service like Macmillan. Donate them to a local ICU ward for the nurses and HCA working flat out in full PPE for the last 18 months or give them to one of your colleagues.

So many people are living with stress, pain, difficult lie events, that could benefit from a course of treatments.

Most of us have something in terms of mind and body that could be better. Acupuncture can help with all sorts so you won’t struggle for takers.

Your relative doesn’t need to know if you don’t feel you can be honest.

At the risk of frustrating you further..., Starting back after mat leave can be hard and you are doing this in the context of a global pandemic. Teaching = very stressful job. Being a mum = very demanding role. I’m sure there is more. Acupuncture can help with the whole body - over all wellbeing- lots of research too. It’s not a new age hippy type treatment - it’s eastern medicine which has developed in a different way to western medicine. It might be worth taking this opportunity to explore it to see what it could possibly do for you. A good practitioner with the full 3 1/2 year degree training in traditional acupuncture (rather than medical acupuncture) would be ideal. They should be honest about what it can and can’t help with. Might be worth doing just an initial consult to see? You’ve got nothing but a bit of time to loose and could end up gaining lots. But ultimately up to you.

What a kind relative you have to do that even if it was misjudged. Hope you find a satisfactory way of negotiating this situation OP

there’s a huge difference between ‘I’d really like to try this!’ and ‘I’ve found the most AMAZING gift for you, I’ve found this place and they do XXX …’ and me saying ‘well, umm, okay, but actually I’d quite like - well okay - well yes, all right, yes, thanks.’

You’ve confused two things here. Your first example is you enthusiastically suggesting something. Your second is you unenthusiastically agreeing to something.

But you agreed. And if your relative has ASD then that’s an agreement - unfair to expect them to get any nuance.

As you say, you should have said no.

What’s done is done though.

You won’t use the vouchers so you need to either a) communicate clearly your opinion that this is too much money for a gift and that you will never use a gift like this or b) let it go and say thank you, how kind.

£300 commits me for several sessions and that’s what I’m a bit annoyed about

It really doesn’t, though. Only if you decide to focus on that monetary aspect. Go once (as you said you would if it was a one-off voucher) and then say to relative some version of I tried but it’s not for me/too painful/whatever.

That way you honour the thought behind the present but you are not committed to spending the whole voucher.