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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do about this gift

379 replies

summersending · 22/08/2021 10:43

Last week a relative rang me in great excitement to tell me he’d found the perfect present for me. It was gift vouchers for a health type place. I did gently try to dissuade him but he was so sure he’d found the perfect present it seemed a bit mean to, so I thought it would be about £30, £40 tops, and I could just have a massage or something.

So the gift vouchers arrived and they are for £300 Shock

I really don’t know what to do.

On the one hand, I know if I reject them, he will be beyond hurt. He has ASD, high functioning but still - he’s desperate to have got something right. I feel like I should pretend to enjoy them.

But on the other it feels horrendously like taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, although of course I haven’t. The problem is it’s one of those alternative health places and I don’t really have any interest in any of the things they offer.

So it’s a WWYD, really Sad

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/08/2021 22:54

I also think it’s unfair people are getting frustrated with posters who say ‘Give it a go’. OP said it was a WWYD - ‘WWYD about getting this present’ , not ‘AIBU not to want to do alternative therapies’.

What most people would do, it seems, is either tell relative ‘thanks but no thanks, get a refund’ (politely & sensitively) or go to try it out.

OP is perfectly within her rights not to go.
But she does need to make a decision about how to deal with the present.

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2021 22:57

I'd have a go at acupuncture for pain relief. My dad had it though nhs and swore it helped so much

MrsBumm · 23/08/2021 00:05

@Lostmarbles2021 that's a great post. you said what I wanted to say but much better.

maz210 · 23/08/2021 00:48

As someone with chronic pain who has suffered repeated slipped discs, acupuncture may be worth a try.

I've given most therapies - both traditional and alternative - a try over the last decade and acupuncture was one that I'd recommend. It's not a magic cure and I found it less effective with repeated treatments but the first couple of tries did afford some pain relief.

If it's already been paid for then you have nothing to lose.

justmaybenot · 23/08/2021 07:15

My sympathies to you, OP. I really find a lot of alternative therapies to be woo and would also dislike a gift like this - unless the place offered massages maybe.

I live with someone with ASD and I imagine the thought process of your relative could be that they themselves are interested in this and want you to participate as well. For example, my family member is really into playing bridge (not really, but something like that) and almost evangelical about it and bought me a very fancy bridge game for my birthday in the hope I'd get into it.

You say he will be 'beyond hurt' and is 'desperate to have got something right.'

It also sounds like they might be a little bit gullible and maybe vulnerable.

What I'd do is maybe explain the situation to the health place and tell them that your relative lacks decision making capacity and has inadvertently overspent. See if you can arrange a refund, explain to your relative that you were uncomfortable with that much money being spent on you and suggest that the two of you go for lunch or the cinema or something like that instead and that he can pay and that's a gift you'd really enjoy - time with him, a nice meal, a film with him etc (whatever it is). It would make him feel valued and maybe teach him something about what would be an appropriate level to spend on someone as well as enhancing his social skills/life. People with ASD often lack social outlets and this way you're offering him one and hopefully not hurting his feelings but rather making him feel better.

If you can't get any refund, then I'd go once, tell the relative it didn't really work for you and then donate the voucher.

texinthecity · 23/08/2021 07:26

If he is vulnerable are you sure that the spa place haven't taken advantage of this? Perhaps phone them up and explain the situation and say you want his money refunded.

billy1966 · 23/08/2021 09:30

Completely understand.
Gifts like this are pressure, particularly when time is short.

I don't have any suggestions other than could you use the lot of it in one go by bringing a few friends with you?

Flowers
Moonwatcher1234 · 23/08/2021 14:59

@texinthecity

If he is vulnerable are you sure that the spa place haven't taken advantage of this? Perhaps phone them up and explain the situation and say you want his money refunded.
This is an excellent point…these places thrive on upselling and could have encouraged adding more to the experience. It wouldn’t be the first time and it’s quite hard to say no.
Amaksy · 23/08/2021 17:34

But maybe he got on Groupon/ offer so not that big a deal re taking advantage.

thenovice · 23/08/2021 17:36

I had hyperemesis and tried EVERYTHING to get rid of the sickness. Acupuncture was recommended but it was the biggest con of the lot.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 23/08/2021 17:44

I would go once before you go back to work to try it (reflexology is v relaxing if they offer that) if you hate it give the rest to a charity you like to raffle off. Good deed done, relative happy cos you’ve tried it. Not much time ‘wasted’

Hivis · 23/08/2021 17:45

Good Lord. How many times does OP, an intelligent capable woman have to state that she doesn’t want any of these treatments on offer!!

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 17:51

@Hivis

Good Lord. How many times does OP, an intelligent capable woman have to state that she doesn’t want any of these treatments on offer!!
obvs more than she has already Grin
inappropriateraspberry · 23/08/2021 18:05

Just thank him and donate the vouchers to a school or charity raffle. Then tell him you had a lovely time, thanks.
If he lives far away he'll never know.

bellocchild · 23/08/2021 18:06

Possibly your physio/osteopath/GP/other specialist has advised you not to have pilates or acupuncture or anything else on offer? It wouldn't help your slipped disc and might make things worse...

Tessabelle74 · 23/08/2021 18:08

It sounds like a lovely thoughtful gift, maybe he thought you'd appreciate the pampering after being in a baby bubble for a while. Just go and use them, you might surprise yourself and enjoy it if you give yourself a chance

Original poster
summersending · 23/08/2021 18:14

@Hivis

Good Lord. How many times does OP, an intelligent capable woman have to state that she doesn’t want any of these treatments on offer!!
Grin

It has turned into a bit of a parody.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 23/08/2021 18:21

@Hivis

Good Lord. How many times does OP, an intelligent capable woman have to state that she doesn’t want any of these treatments on offer!!
Yeah, but she should probably just give it a go anyway
Purplealienpuke · 23/08/2021 18:30

I had acupuncture on the NHS for nerve damage resulting from a slipped disc.
It was amazing.
I went on to have further acupuncture. I often fall asleep whilst on the table.
I would say its worth a try if you can see past the 'woo' factor.
Other than that there are other places than FB market place you can sell. Are you a member of your local Nextdoor page?
What a lovely thoughtful family member you have

Backwaterjunction · 23/08/2021 18:31

Wow hard work, go or don’t go, you sound bonkers

Polmuggle · 23/08/2021 18:32

OP how about this:

  1. find out if they offer refunds
  2. If they do, ring said relative and say how kind it is but unfortunately you've been advised against getting acupuncture for your slipped disc, so wont be able to use it.
  3. Repeat how kind and thoughtful but would be wasted, suggest he get refund and you think of something to do together, how about a nice meal (sub activity suitable)
Polmuggle · 23/08/2021 18:33

Oh, and you don't sound bonkers at all.

BeauxRingarde · 23/08/2021 18:35

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it

Honestly OP, you should just go for the acupuncture. I'm a scientist, the worlds biggest sceptic, hates pretty much all alternative medcine and loathes woo bollocks with a fiery passion.....but I can tell you that acupuncture gave me pain relief after a slipped disc like nothing else did (other than very hard drugs!).

Just use the voucher.

AnnieSnap · 23/08/2021 18:39

There is certainly no good evidence for pain being helped by acupuncture. I can’t say if it works for anything else except placebo (which is very useful, but of course you have to believe). If they have Reflexology, it is essentially, as mentioned by a previous poster, just a foot massage. I love all kinds of massages, if you do too, just have a serious if those. They will ask you which areas of your life/body you have problems with. Just say that’s not your thing, you are just having it as a foot massage.

AnnieSnap · 23/08/2021 18:40

@BeauxRingarde

I have a slipped disc and he’s constantly trying to ‘cure’ it

Honestly OP, you should just go for the acupuncture. I'm a scientist, the worlds biggest sceptic, hates pretty much all alternative medcine and loathes woo bollocks with a fiery passion.....but I can tell you that acupuncture gave me pain relief after a slipped disc like nothing else did (other than very hard drugs!).

Just use the voucher.

Have you looked at the literature on this?
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