Another MIL one...

[anothermilone]

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

I suspect she will make a dig about your lack of attendance at her party. Maybe "I made a cake for DGC, but OP hasn't found time to bring her". Ideally your DH should be prepared and ready to support you "Why did you do that DM?".

You've said you aren't coming to her pre party party, there's nothing more to add.
Other than to prep your H, that he needs to shut her down if she persists when he goes over.

And if she does you can say, “You’re obviously forgetting things. I made myself perfectly clear when I told you that we weren’t going to be able to make it.”

@Aquamarine1029

when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes

Ok, I literally stopped reading right then and there. That was such an egregious, never mind illegal, breach of trust that my relationship with her would have been over right there and then. She is a fucking lunatic and can never be trusted.

Anything she has done from that point forward you have allowed.

This. What an extraordinary intrusion of privacy. I would never have spoken to her again.

I agree with others who have said you and your daughter should definitely not go. Your husband shouldn’t either, but if he does, do not let him take your daughter.

@ActonSquirrel

Well the thing is you have done nothing to rein her in.

Using her hospital ID to intrude on you...I would have roared at her to get out and reported her to the hospital. Where is your husband in all of this? Did he not speak to her?!

You've gone along with everything she wants so you have to decide what you want to do about it as you've always let her get away with everything.

In fairness to the OP she had just given birth and was being stitched up when she was intruded upon. You might find it difficult to roar in those circumstances And the OP did report her to the hospital

@AnnieSnap

I agree with others who have said you and your daughter should definitely not go. Your husband shouldn’t either, but if he does, do not let him take your daughter.

She is his daughter as well.

Tell her no and have Xmas at yours, let her know asap too.

Don’t go. I would politely decline on the family what’s app thread saying you will busy preparing for the party the next day and you look forward to seeing everyone at the park party

Ancient and unfortunately he doesn't seem to be able to understand how to put his wife or daughter first.

It's his dd bday, she's excited and wants to help prepare so on this occasion let's hope he starts to learn how to be a dad and put his dd before his mum 🤞

@ancientgran

Yeah, but his mum is being a thunder stealing bitch and the child needs to be kept away from that house on this occasion as dear MIL will otherwise make her actual birthday party less of an event.

It seems to me that MIL likes to call the shots and is very controlling. She also wants to steal the limelight and the attention. As an isolated example it wouldn’t worry me too much but if it is part of a pattern of behaviour you need to curtail it very firmly. I speak from experience - if you let this go on it will get worse and if you don’t tackle it she will think you don’t mind and keep doing it. It may mean a bit of a showdown initially and maybe your DDs birthday is not the day to have a row, but plan with DH how you will deal with this sort of thing in future

Well done OP, stand firm. And absolutely don’t bow to any Christmas nonsense this year. Why should she get her way every time

Yep just say are you actually taking the piss?

I wouldn't be taking her.

@LittleOwl153

Oh and whilst you are sorting this plan Christmas with your family - after all they are entitled to see you as much as she is and she has had the last however many years. Definitely wouldn't be putting up with this.

Definitely this.

She's a selfish, manipulative witch.

Ooh I think I remember your previous thread OP. She is batshit! Politely decline and think no further on it.. can't manage crazy!

You've declined.
Well done.
Do not interact any further and enjoy your DD's birthday

How old is your other child? Will DH take that child still?

She’s quite frankly a bloody fruit loop, and more so about the delivery room omg that is not normal behaviour, but you know you can put a stop to this behaviour every time she does or says things that you don’t agree with tell her, also your DH should support you, on this too

I am a M.I.L. and would not ever dream of doing that....I dare not say a word to my D.I.L for fear of offending and would never turn up to visit without an invite first...we wait to be invited to see our Grand children,at Christmas we do not expect to be invited it is nice if we are......but sometimes we are on our own....your M.I.L. is definately out of order.......

She’s a poor soul but she is entirely unreasonable and sounds unhinged. Your family are busy that night . Hope the real birthday party is wonderful.

Samehere123boysrule I’m also a MIL who doesn’t interfere at all, goes along with all my Ac wishes regarding matters, if I did what she did at the hospital I’d be cut of completely 🤣

Well done, OP. Good message and not replying to her follow up is exactly the right thing to do.

I remember when you posted about her before OP. NC is the only way.

She should have been put in line when she came into the recovery room as they were stitching you up.

Just don’t go as you are busy with your DDs bday set up as others have said.