Another MIL one...

[anothermilone]

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

If she does complain on the family chat then you need to reply with a simple “You should have checked we were available before planning things.”

@CaveMum

If she does complain on the family chat then you need to reply with a simple “You should have checked we were available before planning things.”

.....before planning things that in include us"......might be clearer IMO.

You’re all coming over to see me, your oldest and dearest friend in the world. We’re having a slap up meal and the thee of you are glamping at the vineyard just up the road from me. It’s been arranged for ages.
Don’t tell me you forgot!!!

If he goes without you that also undermines you and mil will see it as a win. He will only be going to placate her if he does. I don’t know why they feel the need to play these silly games.

@CaveMum

If she does complain on the family chat then you need to reply with a simple “You should have checked we were available before planning things.”

Better still leave the family chat - that’s what I did. I now let my DH stress over what response to give.

Just saw your update OP. Well done for standing up to her.

You don’t want an over-tired little girl at her own birthday party, do you? 😉👍👍👍

I remember your MIL & the hospital stunt, that story shocked me years ago and I've never forgotten it.

You deserve a sainthood for still speaking to her. Well handled on the birthday.

What an insufferable person.

Well done OP. Does it feel good?

Enjoy the party prep time with your daughter. And have a lovely party

@LatteLady

Say, "What a lovely idea, but it's the night before DD's birthday, so we won't be able to make it." End of story.

That.

I think that that is a good response Op.

No grovelling "sorry" or "lovely idea".

Just no & a simple explanation.

If you left the WhatsApp group, would your husband rope you into things/accept on your behalf?

Just you and your dd don’t go. If your DH wants to let him.

I can understand the bad feeling and lack of trust with MIL after your birth story. But as it is, the whole family thing seems a bit of a storm in a teacup. How old will DD be, and is the party on the next day just for family or friends too? I wouldn't see the problem with going over the night before, doing a cake and mini party, then pressing ahead with yours the next day - as long as you have other friends coming. If the morning party was just family then I think it's fair to say "well we are having a party the next day aren't we" and just DH goes over and celebrates BIL birthday.

Also do you really need to both prep the whole evening? If you're making a cake that does take an hour or so, otherwise surely you shove on some wrapping paper and blow up a balloon from 10-10.30pm when DD is asleep? Then do sandwiches or whatever early in the morning?

But as it is, the whole family thing seems a bit of a storm in a teacup

You’ve never met a person like this MIL then have you?

Good decision! Your dh is not just blind he’s also a bit part of the problem. Christmas at yours this year, hope you love it!!

@Littlekittyscupcake

If he goes without you that also undermines you and mil will see it as a win. He will only be going to placate her if he does. I don’t know why they feel the need to play these silly games.

Yes that’s what I thought too.

I don’t think op can win whatever she does though. If dh goes on his own she will think op has the hump. If dh doesn’t go, she will think op is stopping him from seeing his brother.

It will always be op’s fault, never the poor darling son who is so under the thumb. (Yes I’ve been there too when mine were younger).

Op you are right to set some boundaries now but the main thing is that you need to be a united front with your dh and he needs to understand why the boundaries need to be there.

As an aside, when the dc get older it is MUCH easier to do what works for you as a family as teenagers generally don’t pull any punches about what they do and don’t want to do. They also are very good at picking up on this type of manipulative behaviour.

I think, rather than "having it out" with DH, you need to have a calm chat, when this has all finished, about how, he doesn't have to feel the same way as you, to understand how you feel and that you're not wrong to feel the way you do. You feel like his mum is the matriarch of your family, which may feel fine for him because he grew up with her as the boss so it feels normal. But she isn't the head of your family and you feel uncomfortable when she takes control of things that should be yours/DHs control.

That's really weird behaviour from her! I'd simply reply "Sorry we can't make it! But hope to see you the next day for DD's birthday anyway". That should take the wind out of her sails. Be sure to arrange something and book it for the day before.

YANBU but as you probably know, you have a bit of a DH problem here....

Great response OP 👍

@TripleSeptic

"aw, nice idea, unfortunately it's too short notice for us because we'll be getting ready for DDS birthday, but if pre-parties are a thing now, we'll be there at your Christmas one, since we're not spending Christmas Day together this year!" 👍👍 😂😂

Love this!

Yy, cuddly and also firmly say, no more Xmas if he wants to leave you on Xmas fine but not for you, dd and your mum etc..

You won't be guilted or persuaded either.

And any pushing over dd at all

"dd is really excited about her party and she wants to help with party bags and prep for it." end of.

*OP, do not let him take her there the night before her party. What on earth would the point be in next days celebration if you've done the same sort of thing the night before, cake, singing and gifts? It's just ridiculous. Your party, for your daughter, will just be this odd second party that no one will see the point in attending.

I would die on this hill. Frankly, I would have died on the hill when she burst into the recovery room*

Same here.

If your DH insists on going, I'd let him break the news that you have alternative plans for Christmas this year, too.

That seems a very balanced text to an extremely unhinged but outwardly well meaning MIL. Mine used to do similar and it took years for me to grow a backbone and say to DH that all family meet ups for his side of the family needed to be planned by him. At the time my own mother was quite ill, so I quite simply didn’t have the headspace. Now of course he doesn’t plan much. However, good luck with her!