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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one...

277 replies

anothermilone · 21/08/2021 22:04

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 12:34

@anothermilone

I've replied, 'DD and I will be getting things sorted for the party on Saturday, but look forward to seeing you all there', in the family WhatsApp group.

I'm fairness, I know if BIL wasn't here, DH wouldn't be going so I'm not too bothered about him going this time. I even asked DD what she'd rather, and she said she wants to help with balloons and party bags. So that's that.

Sounds perfect then. And it's what DD wants.
middleeasternpromise · 22/08/2021 12:35

I think your MIL is far more skillful at getting her own way that you think so giving her any indication of a 'no' might lead her to ramp up her 'work around' strategies. I would be inclined to say very little about next weekend and if they were to assume it would go MILs way - that might just be their misunderstanding. Given its you that has to make it happen then you don't have to make big announcements etc. Just don't take her there, don't be available when called; and appear confused the next day if MIL seems to be pushing for why it didn't happen.
Perhaps if you quietly hold your own position and successfully do this, it will give you an opportunity to review how you move forward in setting some clear but firm boundaries. Your MIL may have no idea that her approach is so domineering particularly if most people allow it and she holds a story that shes hugely appreciated for her efforts.

I am a little surprised at PALs advising you not to proceed about the misuse of professional access, perhaps they were mindful that this might be a gross misconduct case and she could be disciplined or dismissed. Whatever the context you have managed it and kept the family relationships intact this far. I had a MIL a bit similar in respect of her traditions had to be protected - over time they have been challenged for exactly the same reasons you have said - other family members wanting to develop their own traditions with their children so Xmas days at home - there was a bit of upset initially but quietly persisting has worked. Now there is more asking and less expecting. Also MIL is in poor health and cant host everything. Interestingly, she is very resistant to going to others homes and we all respect her wishes.

Bigboysmademedoit · 22/08/2021 13:28

I have a very similar MIL - appears week meaning but very passive aggressive. If I sent that response I’d be bombarded with ‘just pop in for an hour’, ‘what exactly will you be doing’ and definitely ‘you carry on with the prep and DD can come to with DH to give you peace’ - it’s not over yet.

Bigboysmademedoit · 22/08/2021 13:28

‘Well meaning’ not ‘week’ 🤦‍♀️

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 13:54

@TripleSeptic....brilliant 👏👏

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 22/08/2021 14:03

Your message was perfect. MIL can't argue with that surely.

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/08/2021 15:02

Well done Op - stay strong. I do agree though that you have a DH problem rather than a DMIL one. You need to set very clear boundaries and he must be on your side to enforce those boundaries!

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 22/08/2021 15:10

Just to also note that BIL being there is the same reason I feel guilt tripped into Christmas with them every year - DH says its the only time they all get to be together etc.

BIL is a 3 hr journey away and only visits yearly at Christmas usually. I don't think his lack of seeing his family should be the reason Christmas / DDs birthday is dictated to me.

Well, as ever, OP, it's a DH problem that you've got. When you wrote about being guilted if you didn't go I initially thought you meant that you and DH endured the guilting every other year or whatever, but you've actually been going there EVERY YEAR because it's your DH guilting you too!?

If your DH cares sooooo much about the family being together he can arrange an annual meet up in, say, June. If necessary, this can be at BIL's if he won't travel (though I'd note BIL doesn't seem to care very much about all being together regularly - which is of course his perogative).

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 22/08/2021 16:14

@anothermilone

I've replied, 'DD and I will be getting things sorted for the party on Saturday, but look forward to seeing you all there', in the family WhatsApp group.

I'm fairness, I know if BIL wasn't here, DH wouldn't be going so I'm not too bothered about him going this time. I even asked DD what she'd rather, and she said she wants to help with balloons and party bags. So that's that.

Well done op for not allowing anyone to treat you as a push over. I hope that's the end of it now and you can enjoy your daughters birthday party on Saturday 🥳 I suggest you do as you please at Christmas from now on too, don't let MIL dictate the plans for your family Christmas. Stand firm and try to get your husband at least somewhat on side to make this as easy as possible. Good luck
Ilovecaviar · 22/08/2021 16:28

Good for you for standing your ground. Did MIL reply?

MrsPumpkinSeed · 22/08/2021 16:47

Great response OP enjoy the party

coodawoodashooda · 22/08/2021 17:26

@anothermilone

I've replied, 'DD and I will be getting things sorted for the party on Saturday, but look forward to seeing you all there', in the family WhatsApp group.

I'm fairness, I know if BIL wasn't here, DH wouldn't be going so I'm not too bothered about him going this time. I even asked DD what she'd rather, and she said she wants to help with balloons and party bags. So that's that.

Perfect.
Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 18:22

@NowEvenBetter

You’ve wasted your time chastising me Whereto , I couldn’t be less interested. As I typed already, I wondered what advice specifically OP wanted this time. So many threads about this I feel like I’m a member of her family at this point, FS.
What on earth are you talking about? I've posted about her once before under a different username so no idea where you've got that from.
OP posts:
Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 18:38

She replied, pushing that if I have the time DD and I should pop in, I didn't reply to that!

For those that asked, DD will be turning 4.

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 22/08/2021 18:43

Just ignore it now. You're way to busy to come see them the night before the party and DD needs an early night for her big day.

What's been your husband's response to you saying no? I hope he is supporting you.

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 18:43

Ignore...

and have your own Christmas at home 🎄🤶🏻☃️🔔

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2021 18:54

I'd be saying 'no sorry, we wont be there as dd having an early night for her party the next day'

GinIronic · 22/08/2021 19:20

Ignore - or she will come back with another reason why you need to go.

JacquelineCarlyle · 22/08/2021 19:31

I agree - ignore that message and just don't go.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 19:34

No time so no need to reply..

Notaroadrunner · 22/08/2021 19:35

Ignore. You won't have time.

ActonSquirrel · 22/08/2021 19:38

Well the thing is you have done nothing to rein her in.

Using her hospital ID to intrude on you...I would have roared at her to get out and reported her to the hospital. Where is your husband in all of this? Did he not speak to her?!

You've gone along with everything she wants so you have to decide what you want to do about it as you've always let her get away with everything.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2021 20:11

@TripleSeptic

"aw, nice idea, unfortunately it's too short notice for us because we'll be getting ready for DDS birthday, but if pre-parties are a thing now, we'll be there at your Christmas one, since we're not spending Christmas Day together this year!" 👍👍 😂😂
Send this - it covers two things. Firstly that you will not be attending a pre-party party and secondly it will set out your stall that you'll be starting your own Christmas traditions in your house with your family.

You're not ruling out attending her parties in the future either but with a little more notice (as you're giving her re Christmas), you can arrange new things.

Don't go.

The fact that your BiL is travelling up the day before this Pre-party party to celebrate it, is bizarre. Why can't he travel up the day before his DN's birthday as previously planned?

It's like your MiL has to be cock of the hoop and no new arrangements can be made as they will end up rocking the boat and upsetting her. Well, you're upset too and that has to be allowed. I do wonder what the other DiL (the wife of your BiL) thinks about these sorts of arrangements or has she been conditions to accept that when MiL calls, you have to jump to her command?

LookItsMeAgain · 22/08/2021 20:20

@anothermilone

She replied, pushing that if I have the time DD and I should pop in, I didn't reply to that!

For those that asked, DD will be turning 4.

Only seeing your responses.

If she keeps pushing, I'd reply (again to the entire family group) and say that you won't have time as you're going to be preparing for DD's birthday celebrations and you can't wait to see everyone there.

Do not be surprised if she claims to have a headache or feels poorly on the day of your party celebrations following on from hers. She sounds like the type that would pull a stunt like that so that the attention comes off the birthday girl and on to her "Oh dear, MiL is poorly....anyone else want Cake/cocktail sausages/a sandwich/a drink?"
She wants the focus on her. You might want to warn your DH that this might happen and if it does, hopefully a glimmer of light might break though to him to show him that his mum wants to be the focus of attention.

Justilou1 · 23/08/2021 07:14

That really doesn’t require a response. She will push again though. Dog with a bone.