Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one...

277 replies

anothermilone · 21/08/2021 22:04

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
TidyOmlette · 23/08/2021 20:41

Why don’t you message and say ‘sorry busy’ as other pop’s have said but maybe pop in for an hour to see BIL etc? That way you won’t feel so guilty but she won’t be able to ‘plan’ a party if she doesn’t think you are coming?

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 23/08/2021 20:55

I had very similar problems to yours with my MIL, she put every obstacle in the way of our getting married, to the degree that we asked the vicar what would happen if she stood up in church and objected. Then when we were safely married, she was always trying to manipulate us into doing everything as and when she wanted it. She finally pushed me too far about 2 weeks before I was due to give birth, when she asked my husband on the phone if they could come over the weekend before I had the baby. He asked me, and I said no, as I felt I just wanted to rest and not be bothered, so he went back and said 'no sorry, she just wants to rest', she then begged him to persuade me, so he came back and said 'she really wants to come over, they won't be any trouble'. At that point, I lost the plot, picked up a fairly hefty cushion and hurled it at the TV, while shouting at him that I'd said no, and I meant no, how many more times? This was so out of character for me, that he went back to the phone, and told her, it wasn't going to happen, and to stop pushing. We then had a discussion, where I told him that I was prepared to do things to keep his Mum happy, but not to my detriment, and if I said no, then I meant NO! After that, she still tried to push things from time to time, and again, pushed too far, resulting in us having nothing to do with them for 2 years. Eventually, we saw them again at the funeral of his grandfather, and started socialising again, but she still hadn't learned her lesson, and finally after another 3 year period of no contact, I refused to brush the problems we had under the rug, like they'd done before, and insisted on an open and frank discussion about what was and wasn't acceptable. This time she listened, and over the following few years, we actually became friends, and had a good relationship right up until the day she died. So, OP, I guess my advice would be to call her out on her behaviour, and if she won't accept that you have a right to do things your way, then going NC is the only way to deal with it.

Lovely13 · 23/08/2021 21:04

Sounds like the sort of thing my former in-laws would have done. From a different country, their idea of boundaries were very different. Set yours clearly from today. Do not go.

Mollymoostoo · 23/08/2021 21:15

I organised a BBQ in May for family as it was my birthday, FIL and my step daughters all in the month, plus we hadn't seen anyone due to Covid.
The day before my birthday was FIL b'day and all DH's family for together to celebrate, including DH and step daughter....without me.
I wasn't even told about it will after. I was so hurt and it reinforces that I am an outsider to them.
This is your party and your daughter, don't let them steal your thunder.

Mollymoostoo · 23/08/2021 21:16

Got together. TypoBlush

Muchmorethan · 23/08/2021 21:48

@Mollymoostoo

I organised a BBQ in May for family as it was my birthday, FIL and my step daughters all in the month, plus we hadn't seen anyone due to Covid. The day before my birthday was FIL b'day and all DH's family for together to celebrate, including DH and step daughter....without me. I wasn't even told about it will after. I was so hurt and it reinforces that I am an outsider to them. This is your party and your daughter, don't let them steal your thunder.
Your DH went to a party without you?? You have more than a MIL problem
Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/08/2021 22:06

Tell her straight that she’s upstaging the party you’ve organised and that you and DD won’t be attending. Get DH on board.

Kipperandarthur · 23/08/2021 22:56

I think your message was suitably fine. You don’t need to respond but you do need to stick to your guns. You asked your daughter what she would prefer to do the night before her party and she told you.

If you receive further comments and pushing to go, you merely say DD has requested we stay at home and have fun with our preparations so that’s what we are doing. See you on her Birthday.

You also explain yet again to DH that’s what you are doing and it’s not going to change. If he wants to go fine, but it would be nice if he stayed and helped and got into the party spirit for your DD. But if he does go you just have fun at home with your plans.

On party day if you get any comments from MIL you just reiterate you did what DD wanted to do, brush aside any comment and focus on the party in hand closing down any comments about the night before.
Brush aside, focus on DD and close down MIL and any complaints.

Mamanyt · 23/08/2021 23:43

It is a bit weird, but I've known large families who do things like that...the timing, however, says that it is just an excuse to be the end-all to DD's celebration. SO...are there any September birthdays in the family? If so, tell her that you are so sorry that you will be tied up that day/evening, but to let you know well in advance of NEXT month's birthday celebration, so that you can keep the date open. Which kinda obligates you if she actually holds one, but still...I rather doubt that she will.

Justilou1 · 24/08/2021 00:30

My mother’s family was very much like that and she hated it. Of course when I had my first, she was exactly the same. (Went insane, tbh.) Lots of lies, manipulating, screaming, etc. Didn’t turn up to open presents and have breakfast as agreed on DD1’s first Christmas, then screamed down the phone at me for being rude and not showing up to the big lunch she had organized to show “her baby” off to her friends. We had told her all along that we had other plans. My dad had never been told that “they” had agreed to come for breakfast, and yet he had been her excuse for not showing, etc. She ended up hurling DD’s presents and a lot of obscenities over the fence and upsetting my DH’s 94yo grandmother who was visiting for lunch. (Suspect she was drink driving at the time too.) She was even worse when I had twins two years later. We lived in a different city 1000km away and she would fly in and stay for weeks. Unbearable.

Yehbut · 24/08/2021 09:47

No it is infuriating but not as infuriating as my DIL. She has never allowed me any alone time with my three grandchildren.. never thanks me for presents won’t dress them in clothes I send or not thank me won't read books I send. It’s heartbreaking but there is nowt you can do about it. Some people are ver possessive and mean to those they wrongly see as a threat. The MiL DIL one is typical. I must say I had a rotten MIL but it didn’t upset me as much. DILs have all the power. Be generous. You’re not going anyway.

Original poster
anothermilone · 24/08/2021 10:11

Okay so the saga continues.
DH went out last night for BIL (the local one)'s birthday.
Apparently MIL and FIL were on at him about why I wasn't coming on Friday, and that they really miss DD - despite planning to go away the night of her birthday?!
And that they feel like I don't let them see her enough!! This is actually laughable as considering they are both retired they make zero effort to ever visit, haven't stuck to arranged childcare plans in the past and so now we just don't ask them to help with her as they've proven unreliable and we've been caught short with no help before.
I'm seething this morning, and have flounced out of the family WhatsApp (petty I know), as I felt I'd let rip in there out of sheer anger!
I don't want them there on Saturday now. I can't stop them and wouldn't try but I feel their presence is going to just put a total dampener on the day. I'm livid!!

OP posts:
Pinkfluff76 · 24/08/2021 10:17

She’s batshit. Don’t go. It’s definitely not ok to be doing that the night before. Really rude of her and not kind like some think. Good luck!

ivy4iona · 24/08/2021 10:39

just remember girls one day you will be MIL's (if you're lucky) I hope you don't have to deal with the hate that is dealt out here. You have all the power don't abuse it. I am shocked at all the bullying NC threats. Get a grip. Being a grandmother is supposed to be a wonderful experience try and make it so. You have all the power rule kindly. Think of your children and stop being so possessive and greedy. If you love your husband you should love his mother, the more you threaten her the more threatening she will become. You are treading on all her dreams. Her life.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 24/08/2021 10:42

Remember to be very busy mingling op. No time to stand with them getting grief...
Stand your ground. The perfect opportunity has arrived....

Justilou1 · 24/08/2021 10:42

Really??? Bullying??? I think you need to either get a grip or RTFT. Accept that OP is responding to years of intrusion and BEING bullied or shuffle off to Buffalo.

Howshouldibehave · 24/08/2021 10:44

Apparently MIL and FIL were on at him about why I wasn't coming on Friday, and that they really miss DD - despite planning to go away the night of her birthday?!And that they feel like I don't let them see her enough!!

And he said what in response?

Anonmummyoftwo · 24/08/2021 10:45

Sounds a bit like my ex mil always had to one up everyone and be centre of attention in some way. Just respond with sorry we’re busy but don’t explain why as no doubt she will try find a “fix” so you can make it. Make sure Dh is on side with you.

Justilou1 · 24/08/2021 10:46

Don’t respond at all. Nothing has changed and nothing is going to. If DH can’t hit them with any truth bombs, you might have to do that AFTER DS’s party.

Original poster
anothermilone · 24/08/2021 10:47

@Howshouldibehave

Apparently MIL and FIL were on at him about why I wasn't coming on Friday, and that they really miss DD - despite planning to go away the night of her birthday?!And that they feel like I don't let them see her enough!!

And he said what in response?

In fairness he stood his ground, and came back really stressed after having a very tense conversation with them. I think after last night he's finally seen what I have for a while.
OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 24/08/2021 10:53

Your DH reports back to you from them all the time but what does he make of their behaviour? It sounds as if he just gives into them as MiL gets difficult if not.

I know the hospital intrusion isn’t directly relevant here but it set a pattern to MiL’s behaviour and did your DH have your back then? He clearly allowed her access to the room and he has continued to allow her to trample over boundaries. I think you’re starting to firm up against your MiL I think you need to assert yourself with your DH too.

KatherineSiena · 24/08/2021 10:53

Ah we cross posts. Good let’s hope he starts to find his backbone.

Original poster
anothermilone · 24/08/2021 11:01

@KatherineSiena

Your DH reports back to you from them all the time but what does he make of their behaviour? It sounds as if he just gives into them as MiL gets difficult if not.

I know the hospital intrusion isn’t directly relevant here but it set a pattern to MiL’s behaviour and did your DH have your back then? He clearly allowed her access to the room and he has continued to allow her to trample over boundaries. I think you’re starting to firm up against your MiL I think you need to assert yourself with your DH too.

Oh definitely, I absolutely know that DH has had a massive hand to play in MIL being the way she is. He should have shut it down years ago, and trust me we have had to have some very serious talks over the years about it all. He does see my side, the problem is that MIL is so manipulative with it, to any outsider they would think she was so kind, generous, caring, she is very softly spoken and comes across even as meek at times. So until you really get to see it, it would be hard to believe. DH and his brothers have always gone along with it all because that was what they did. I'm sure SIL wouldn't put up with these behaviours either, but as they live in another city they don't have to, so they probably are a bit unaware of it too. DH sees the best in everyone (even at his own detriment), and so he finds it hard to believe that she has intentions behind these actions.
OP posts:
forrestgreen · 24/08/2021 11:07

After this is he going on that Friday evening? He's seen bil and will see him again at dc party.

Original poster
anothermilone · 24/08/2021 11:08

@forrestgreen

After this is he going on that Friday evening? He's seen bil and will see him again at dc party.
It's a different BIL - one local, and one travelling over this weekend.

Still, I do think he shouldn't go based on their behaviour over this last week. I feel we need a united front and he should be home with me and the DC.
We're going to have a chat tonight when he gets home from work.

OP posts: