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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL did this intentionally?

426 replies

saturdaynightgin · 21/08/2021 17:57

DH and I got married this week. It was a small wedding - parents, siblings and a few friends as guests, 24 in total, including us.

The bridal party consisted of DH and I, my sister as maid of honour and DH’s best man, plus our children as flower girl and page boy.

We asked that our guests didn’t wear navy as that was the colour of the suits/bridesmaid dresses. Both sets of parents were happy with this, our friends and siblings were happy, even SIL said she happy.

The day of the wedding SIL turns up in a navy dress, albeit with some white on the skirt, and nephew (13) is in the exact same suit and waistcoat as DH and DS. So in photos, it looks like they’re part of the bridal party.

AIBU to be annoyed at SIL and think she did this intentionally? DH had shown her photos of the suit in the weeks leading up to the wedding, so she knew what he’d be wearing!

OP posts:
pollymere · 22/08/2021 19:43

My MIL put my SIL in a wedding dress because she was upset I hadn't chosen SIL as a bridesmaid. My bridesmaids were both tiny and dark haired and my SIL was tall and glamazonian. She had no desire to be a bridesmaid and was devastated in dress she wore.

CrankyFrankie · 22/08/2021 19:44

I kind of think it’s sweet that she did it. Maybe she has no idea what you’re really like... are you usually so uptight and overbearing or has wedding stress got to you? Or maybe she does know this and thought ‘fuck it. It’s my brother’s wedding after all.’

ERFFER · 22/08/2021 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrankyFrankie · 22/08/2021 19:49

OP, I should’ve read all your posts (!) before wading in, apologies! You clearly haven’t lost your sense of perspective after all ;)

Miranda15110 · 22/08/2021 20:00

OMG I'm embarrassed for you.

AJ47 · 22/08/2021 20:01

It's seems definitely intentional if you'd been explicit....
But it's not worth getting bent out of shape over. My mother rocked up at my wedding with a massive black mourning widows hat on, complete with little black veil.

Lurcherloves · 22/08/2021 20:15

@AJ47 your mum sounds funny and like a right character. Does she hate your DH or just disapprove?

Thewinterofdiscontent · 22/08/2021 20:26

@Miranda15110

OMG I'm embarrassed for you.
You need to get out more love.
forensicfleabag · 22/08/2021 20:34

I couldn't tell you what colour the guests were wearing at my wedding, didn't even cross my mind to notice!
I could, however tell you it was the most fantastic day and my husband and I had an absolute blast.
What a strange thing to focus on!!???

RampantIvy · 22/08/2021 20:41

This obsession with controlling what guests wear is the opposite of being hospitable and welcoming. It's treating them as accessories.

Very well said @BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand.

Localocal · 22/08/2021 20:51

So your brother's sister did not comply with your request that she dress in a colour that clearly signified her lesser importance to you and her brother? And had the nerve to come to her brother's wedding looking like she was on the A list? And didn't also buy her son a different suit so he too would be clearly designated as second class?

Lovely13 · 22/08/2021 21:11

I wore a white suit to sibling’s wedding. Afterwards, aunt told me you must never wear white as a guest. I did. Looked fine. They’re still happily married. Where’s the problem?

Gingabex · 22/08/2021 21:28

What a load of bollocks. This is why I chose to get married in Vegas with no-one there.

Mumofsons87 · 22/08/2021 21:49

Whatever about women, there really aren't that many colour options for Male suits, and you asked them not to wear the most popular colour Navy! Both of my OH good suits are Navy, I'd be raging if he spent a fortune going off getting black or grey. Most men just get new shirt or tie or whatever.

MimiDaisy11 · 22/08/2021 22:30

While I wouldn't make this request myself especially as navy is pretty common, especially with men's suits. I mean it's just black or navy isn't it? Unless you're being eccentric in white or a bright colour.

I do think the SIL should have said something beforehand. I mean if she had already picked out that dress then I think she should have said. It does seem a little passive-aggressive unless she's forgetful. If it was me I don't think it's an unreasonable request and I would have complied. I don't think it's bridezilla territory as some are suggesting. I can understand you want the bridal party to stand out in a small wedding.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 22:37

I can understand you want the bridal party to stand out in a small wedding.
See, that's the bit I'm struggling to understand. You've gathered a select crowd of your friends and family to help you celebrate.
Why would it be so important to you that some were made to feel elevated and "special", and the non special kept firmly in their place?
So firmly that you'd consider photoshopping the photographs to reflect the way you decreed it should be, not how it actually was?

Voicefancier · 22/08/2021 22:39

[quote ScottishNewbie]@GreyhoundG1rl I don't like those colours. It's a small wedding and they would majorly stand out compared to the wedding theme and it would clash.
No biggie Grin[/quote]
They're welcome not to attend.
I don't give a flying shit...

Actually it sounds like it was quite a biggie for you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 22:42

So the Insta likes are more important than friends celebrating with you?
How heartbreakingly shallow.

Overnightoats1 · 22/08/2021 23:08

I once turned up at a wedding in a light pink strapless dress - very similar to what the bridesmaid where in -I had no idea what the wedding colours were- we all had a little chuckle and moved on .. the important thing is you, your husband , your kids and your commitment to one another - the rest is not important especially if staying upset will ruin family relationships-no point at all!

Redsquirrel5 · 22/08/2021 23:30

[quote Lurcherloves]@Redsquirrel5 don’t you think your sister was nasty leaving her out? I think they are well rid of her[/quote]
But my sister didn’t leave her out.

Her MIL was invited to the wedding as a guest...mother of the groom.

You don’t have your future MIL as a bridesmaid at your wedding. My sister had shown her the outfit chosen for our youngest sister who was the one and only bridesmaid and Future MIL wore similar style and exactly the same colour blue ( not navy but a particular mid blue) and a hat. DSis/bridesmaid (13)wore a straw boater hat with a blue band.
The guests who didn’t know his mother thought she was Mof H. It was a strange thing to do.

OPmost wedding photos stay in a draw. Get a lovely one to frame of the two of you and put that up.

BookishKitten · 22/08/2021 23:47

I find it so bizarre that people have wedding colours…. And even more bizarre that some feel they can dictate how other people (whom they invited!) should dress. This marketisation of weddings really is so ridiculous.
You have two children in common and are exchanging your vows in front of a select few - who cares what anyone wears?

Blackcat333 · 23/08/2021 00:25

I'm really surprised that you didn't include your new sister in all this anyway! She's done her best to try and be included, maybe she felt left out? My brothers wife asked me what colour my wedding dress was so she could match 😂. I told her black, she came in a dramatic long black lacy thing... I wore leopard print 😂 punk rock! 😁 😂

MiddlesexGirl · 23/08/2021 00:52

Why would it be so important to you that some were made to feel elevated and "special", and the non special kept firmly in their place?

It's exceptionally common to have a 'bridal party' and for the members of that party to be in a colour theme. I don't think I've ever known a wedding where the bridesmaids were not all wearing the same colour and page boys, ushers etc all themed too. Along with flowers, invitations, venue.
Can't believe so many people getting their knickers in a twist about being asked not to wear one colour (although accepted that it would be more difficult for men/boys as navy is a popular suit colour).

Rachie1973 · 23/08/2021 01:24

I’ve never been told what colours I can’t. Wear at a wedding! Apart from avoiding the obvious white, people wear what they choose!

SplunkPostGres · 23/08/2021 07:27

Sorry if I’ve missed this elsewhere but are you sure she didn’t misunderstand the instructions and think she had to wear Navy?

As someone who deals regularly with the fallout from poor comms, this was my first thought. Think of the Monty Python Knight scene. We’re not all that good at listening.