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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL did this intentionally?

426 replies

saturdaynightgin · 21/08/2021 17:57

DH and I got married this week. It was a small wedding - parents, siblings and a few friends as guests, 24 in total, including us.

The bridal party consisted of DH and I, my sister as maid of honour and DH’s best man, plus our children as flower girl and page boy.

We asked that our guests didn’t wear navy as that was the colour of the suits/bridesmaid dresses. Both sets of parents were happy with this, our friends and siblings were happy, even SIL said she happy.

The day of the wedding SIL turns up in a navy dress, albeit with some white on the skirt, and nephew (13) is in the exact same suit and waistcoat as DH and DS. So in photos, it looks like they’re part of the bridal party.

AIBU to be annoyed at SIL and think she did this intentionally? DH had shown her photos of the suit in the weeks leading up to the wedding, so she knew what he’d be wearing!

OP posts:
thelionqwueen · 22/08/2021 18:19

That’s a ridiculous and a bit rude request of you to make. Confused

Lurcherloves · 22/08/2021 18:20

Why did you leave them out but include your own family?

6079SmithW · 22/08/2021 18:21

@saturdaynightgin I think this thread has been particularly harsh! I've been to lists of weddings where there has been a dress code or we have been asked not to wear a certain colour - nothing odd about that!
For me the annoyance would be that SiL was specifically asked not to wear navy and she did it anyway. It is a clear signal that she puts herself before her brother, even on his wedding day, which isn't nice.
I'm glad that you didn't let it spoil your day ..
Congratulations! 🎊

Mumontour85 · 22/08/2021 18:25

Totally on purpose, but the purpose could have been a nice wanting to match? But rude, I hope it didn't actually impact your day.

A lot of people tell their guests the wedding party colour with the view of no one else wearing the same, ignore the comments telling you you were unreasonable to make such a request.

I'd be a little annoyed but I'd shake it off, she's your sister now too!

LakieLady · 22/08/2021 18:38

@TatianaBis

French casual

Cashmere sweater over the shoulders and jeans?

I was thinking Breton top and espadrilles!
GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 18:41

A lot of people tell their guests the wedding party colour with the view of no one else wearing the same
So it seems, but what on earth is the objective? How could it possibly matter?

These people aren't just randoms who wandered in off the street and photobombed your wedding album, they're people you've invited to share your day. They presumably matter to you.
Does it really spoil your memories of the day if someone later looks at the pictures and assume they had a greater role in your wedding than you've chosen to bestow on them?
It's fairly incomprehensible to me. But doubtless I'll be told I just don't get it.
I don't.

PurpleVerbena · 22/08/2021 18:44

What is so special about a 'bridal party' anyway? Surely they were guests and part of the whole event and so were quite entitled to blend in? What on earth is a bridal party? Never heard that expression before.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 18:48

@saturdaynightgin

Ok, I appreciate all the comments. It was DH that expressed his annoyance to be honest, and I kind of agree with him - mainly because we paid extra to accommodate her meal requests (didn’t like the set menu that everyone else had).

It’s not something I’m obsessing over or focusing on, just currently discussing with DH after seeing previews of the photographs. I’ve been to several weddings where guests have been asked to avoid wearing the colours of the bridal party, so didn’t think it was an unusual request.

As for her being annoyed about not being a bridesmaid, it was our choice to limit the bridal party to just a maid of honour and best man, as otherwise, the bridal party would have made up 50% of the whole wedding. DH’s other sister and brother, and my brother weren’t bothered about not being included.

Wait. So because you paid more for her food. You think it’s ok to dictate what someone wears?!?

Wouldn’t bother me. I’ve NEVER been to a wedding where we were told what to wear etc. I think it’s incredibly distasteful.

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 18:49

@saturdaynightgin

No, I’m really not obsessing or focusing on it. DH expressed his annoyance as it looks a bit odd on the group photo, and I posted on here to see if we were being unreasonable.

Clearly we are, as asking guests not to wear the same colour as the bridal party isn’t as common as we thought… like I said, we’ve been to several weddings and this has been asked at each one 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have been to 37 weddings

Not once been asked. Nor did I ask at my own wedding.

Redsquirrel5 · 22/08/2021 18:51

My sister’s MIL did this.
She knew what colour my other sister, the bridesmaid, was wearing and she turned up in the same colour and similar hat. Everyone thought she was a fool. She just made herself look stupid. We laugh at the photos now. MIL went on to do lots of other annoying and weird things. Eventually sister and her husband parted ways due to his behaviour the other upside to this is she doesn’t have to see her MIL. FIL is quite nice but a wet weekend and goes along with MIL for a quiet life.

ittakes2 · 22/08/2021 18:52

I am guessing she was upset her son wasn't given a special role.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/08/2021 18:53

As for her being annoyed about not being a bridesmaid, it was our choice to limit the bridal party to just a maid of honour and best man, as otherwise, the bridal party would have made up 50% of the whole wedding. DH’s other sister and brother, and my brother weren’t bothered about not being included.
This is also really odd. Included in what exactly? What exactly differentiated the bridal party from the guests in a group of 24 people, and why was it imperative that the second tier know their place?

Michellelovesizzy · 22/08/2021 18:56

Hahaha she did this to annoy u and it has.... so try let it go and remember u just got married and fuck her it's not about her hope u had a lovely day otherwise x

Americano75 · 22/08/2021 18:58

@saturdaynightgin

Thank you for all the congratulations by the way, we had a lovely day Smile

For those that cba to read the full thread:
-We’ve accepted we’re unreasonable
-We’re not upset/angry/letting it spoilt the memory of our day
-Our honeymoon starts tomorrow with the drive to Thomas Land with the kids Grin

For what it's worth, I think some of the replies have been a bit harsh. You think you'd asked her to wear a bin bag or something rather than just not wear one particular colour!
SamMaxFrankieDuke · 22/08/2021 19:04

Yanu.

Your sil is a dick. At a recent wedding we were asked to wear a certain colour. It was a pita but we did it because it wasn't a big deal and was what they (the bridezilla) wanted.

I8toys · 22/08/2021 19:04

YABU and totally controlling telling people what to wear. And you missed them out of the wedding party and they are close family.

blueballetshoes · 22/08/2021 19:06

@saturdaynightgin I'm on your side, It would have annoyed me if my SIL did this. Quite a few friends asked me when I was getting married if there was any colours they should avoid i.e they wanted to know if they were going to clash with the wedding party. I and other friends did this for each of the weddings out of my friendship group too.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 22/08/2021 19:06

It was a pita but we did it because it wasn't a big deal

Eh? How was it simultaneously a pain in the arse, and not a big deal? It's either one or the other, surely.

Lurcherloves · 22/08/2021 19:09

@Redsquirrel5 don’t you think your sister was nasty leaving her out? I think they are well rid of her

cherish123 · 22/08/2021 19:14

It was probably intentional but she may have already bought the dress. I don't think you can really tell guests not to wear navy unless you are paying for their outfit. Lots of dresses and suits are navy.

Ruthietuthie · 22/08/2021 19:20

So, am I understanding correctly, that SOMEHOW the appearance of these guests in these colors meant that the wedding couldn't go ahead? And that therefore, not only the whole day but the whole relationship was ruined?

If not, PLEASE get something else to worry about.

Alternatively, if the wedding did go ahead (somehow...) why not print out some labels to add to your wedding album. I would suggest perhaps, "Not in the wedding party" "Relative I don't really like" "13 year old boy wearing the wrong color suit, but I don't really like his mother, so..." This way, no-one could look through the album and come to the wrong conclusions.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 22/08/2021 19:22

@purplebunny2012

Absolutely she did it on purpose because she felt left out. But as long as she wasn't demanding to sit at your table as part of the wedding party, there's no harm done
The wedding was only 24 people - I doubt there can have been more than 2 or 3 tables in total.

Re: scottishnewbie - Why should friends avoid wearing a colour to a wedding based on what they know of the bride's likes/dislikes? That expectation is just as bizarre as asking/telling them what colours to wear.

The bride's opinion never figures when I am choosing a wedding outfit. My decision process goes:

  1. what items have I got in my wardrobe that are suitable for a wedding? (smart, not evening wear, not black or white - this usually narrows it down a lot)
  2. which of those is appropriate to the current season?
  3. which of them go together nicely, fit well & aren't stained/damaged?
  4. if nothing meets the above criteria - shop for something new - usually something classic in a colour that suits me.

I usually assume that the couple want me there because they like me, not because of how I'll look in an Instagram photo. I aim to look smart/attractive, respectful of wedding etiquette and suitably festive for what is meant to be a celebratory occasion. But the bride's favourite colour is not a factor I would ever consider.

What if I look dreadful in the bride's favourite colour, and awful in the colours she wants guests to wear? What if I'm skint and can't afford a new outfit - but my existing wedding outfit is in the banned colour?

This obsession with controlling what guests wear is the opposite of being hospitable and welcoming. It's treating them as accessories.

KentuckyCriedFricken · 22/08/2021 19:24

Did it spoil your wedding? No. Are you any less married because of this? No.

Move on.

MumMRM · 22/08/2021 19:30

If you are that upset could you not ask the photographer to alter the colour of the SIL’s & her son’s clothes?

Shadedog · 22/08/2021 19:34

For me the annoyance would be that SiL was specifically asked not to wear navy and she did it anyway. It is a clear signal that she puts herself before her brother, even on his wedding day, which isn't nice.

It could be a clear signal that she owns a navy dress and has a completely normal level of interest in other people’s weddings that doesn’t spill over into knowing or caring what colour the “bridal party” are wearing.

People are not nearly as interested in other people as people think they are. They forget details, they don’t care, they don’t notice, they don’t think their brother gaf what colour dress they wear. Nobody looks at navy dresses and thinks “that guests thinks they are more important than the groom”. Nobody sees a mother of the groom in a similar hat and colour to a maid of honour and thinks that they are stupid or a fool. Analysing hat/dress colour and looking for malice in it is a niche interest but probably participated in by more people than the actual sport of spite dressing.