Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

Wriggleon

15 year olds are selfish, however and this is against alot of mumsnet wisdom, I feel having 2nd families is also selfish and I say this as someone whose father died when they were a child and who separated from dc father when they were a baby and he subsequently died. To be in a loving relationship with someone there is no need to cement it with a baby

Crazy notion and not realistic to real life. I ended up in an abusive relationship in my 20s and got pregnant and had ds. Your theory that I never have any future children because I got into a bad relationships in my early 20s? I have 3 lovely dc with dh who I've been with for 11 years. You don't know ops circumstances and its unfair to guilt her for choosing to have another child.

Op have you done any girlie days out maybe go clothe shopping together or to the cinema or have nails done as a birthday treat out?

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

umm no.....even if her head can understand the difference, her feelings feel like "she must love the baby more" that doesn't make you wrong or her right but it makes it understandable?

I do not suppose you are a shit mum at all. But she really isn’t “spoilt” from those examples. £100 is not a mean birthday present. Depending on your income it might be very generous. But it sounds as though she feels you didn’t give her enough thought. Even if she had similar in previous years, she probably hoped for more “surprises” the first year after her sibling arrived. This is a huge, huge adjustment. You need to cut her some slack.

And the holiday; absolutely her social life will be her priority at her age. You were wrong to mess up her plans in my view; especially at short notice.

My DHs best mate and his wife have a 16 year old, an 18 month old and a newborn (I know! 😱) And as far as I know, the eldest hasn't kicked off because the babies needed car seats 🤔

She'll see £250 on the baby and £100 on her. She won't be thinking that your partner paid £125 for it and she got some money or presents from her Dad. She won't be thinking about how much you give her over the month for days out etc
If she can't see or think these things for herself, you'd be reasonable to explain them to her. Don't let her think of herself as a victim or she will get comfy and live down to it.
I'm sure she's a kind, intelligent girl just going thought a rough spell. Give her some credit that she can and will understand.

I was the baby in this! Over 50 years later dsis is still complaining about how I upset the apple cart. My parents forgot her birthday and df hurriedly handed her some notes when he spotted the date on the paper. I expect it’s hard when you have a cuddly new baby (and at 5 months they’re nice and filled out and smiley) vs a grumpy awkward teen grousing about life’s unfairness. Cut the dd a whole heap of slack. I can understand the car seat complaint: as others have said, it’s not about car seats and safety and so on, which of course she understands. It’s about being upset that your mum is so focused on another sibling and excitedly making purchases for them.

The language you use ‘just another social outing’ does kind of belittle things that are important to her.

Well that wasn't my intention. I was explaining to another poster that it was a social outing as opposed to an outing for her own birthday, as someone suggested I had "forgotten" her birthday plans which is absolutely not the case.

If she had plans with friends and you forgot you're in the wrong on that one. Did you apologize?

The $100 and comparing it to car seat is totally rude.

@Bananarama21

Wriggleon

15 year olds are selfish, however and this is against alot of mumsnet wisdom, I feel having 2nd families is also selfish and I say this as someone whose father died when they were a child and who separated from dc father when they were a baby and he subsequently died. To be in a loving relationship with someone there is no need to cement it with a baby

Crazy notion and not realistic to real life. I ended up in an abusive relationship in my 20s and got pregnant and had ds. Your theory that I never have any future children because I got into a bad relationships in my early 20s? I have 3 lovely dc with dh who I've been with for 11 years. You don't know ops circumstances and its unfair to guilt her for choosing to have another child.

Op have you done any girlie days out maybe go clothe shopping together or to the cinema or have nails done as a birthday treat out?

Wow I missed that comment.

Selfish for having my baby. I knew this place could be brutal but Jesus 😂

Yes we have some little outings planned, just me and DD, while DP has the baby.

DottyHarmer Op didn't forget her birthday though she give her 100 quid I used to get a tenner and some smaller bits to open its alot more than most. I usually spend 100 quid sometimes abit more money but it ends up evening out.

I've only read your posts OP but seriously, don't change the plans. Your DD can just accept that things don't always go to plan.

Her auntie is ill, you want to see her so do it. Time for your DD to learn about priorities and the occasional disappointments in life that happen when you have to prioritise.

Hop your sister is ok.

Don't see why you make it an either/or. She could be spoilt AND you could be a shit mum! 🤣

Seriously though, yeah my DD age 11 would be annoyed if I dragged her on a miserable visit to a poorly relative when she'd got a nice day planned with friends. Imagine the other way round - you had planned to take DD somewhere nice, and last minute she announced, no she was doing something else and your thing was cancelled. It would seem high-handed and rude.

Also definitely echo the other posts who say she's struggling to adjust to a new baby on the scene. Cut her some slack, make her feel loved and wanted. It will all work out fine.

You are certainly not a ‘shit mum’.

She, however sounds awful. Self centred beyond ‘normal’ teenage level. You must be so disappointed with her rotten attitude.

Focus on your sister, who needs your support.

@ojss21

So really by the time that's all added together she's got quite a bit really? I'm a single parent. I give mine 300. But I have to save in advance. My kids only have me to buy for them so it is hard . It really sounds like dd gets a simlar amount with the 100 you give her the 150 from her dad . Then what she gets from grand parents so it does work out quite a bit that she's got.

But I I also think its partly what others have said its typical 15 year old stuff. And she probably does feel a bit pushed out with the new baby around do you and her manage to spend any time together?

Hop your sister is ok.

Thank you - possibly the only person on here to say that. I appreciate it.

ojss21 there's always one op that's close minded. That's great your doing little days out. I have a 13 year old and he's very similar gets alsorts double of everything it's just his age they always seem to want more. Dh had this chat with him the other day there's always going to be someone who gets more than you and always someone that's going to be less.

So really by the time that's all added together she's got quite a bit really?

Yeah close to £200 quid easily last month. The odd bits of spending money here and there when she asks for them, plus her birthday money.

@ojss21

Your DP could drive her home and leave you at your sister's and you get the train the next day.

Funny you say this - he's literally just offered to do exactly this if we take two cars.

I wouldn't do this personally. Not for an everyday social occasion. I think its excessive and gives the message that her wishes will be pandered to regardless of inconvenience to others. Too many people grow up believing what they want takes precedence over other people's needs, and it really doesn't help them to navigate a world where this cannot always be the case.

She's 15. 15 year olds can be a bit selfish and demanding. She doesn't seem very bad at all compared with a lot of teens, and it seems clear she's maybe feeling a bit jealous or insecure about new baby which is understandable after being an only child for so long.

Also her grandparents on her dad's side are very generous with their cash. When I'm unable to give her any more cash that month, she either messages her dad or grandma and £50 will appear in her account before the day is over. My own sister gave her £40 towards holiday spending money (holiday with her grandparents this summer ), on top of e £50 her dad and I gave her each (therefore she went on holiday with £140 spending money). She definitely isn't hard done by in that sense. But maybe it's my time she's wanting really, without being able to say it? Who knows ...

It’s a lot. She’s NBU and neither are you, a new baby is a massive overhaul for the entire family.

She’s bound to feel very pushed out and very jealous. You, your partner and the baby are a ‘proper family’ she clearly feels like she’s second best. Re the £100 I imagine she’s resentful that the baby has gotten so much and she hasn’t. Again, this isn’t your fault but it’s understandable for her.

I think you just need to continue to assure her that she is your priority and how having another baby hasn’t changed that. Yes she’s fifteen but she also clearly wants her mum too.

Is it possible for her to return home as planned? can you stay with your sister and your partner drive her home/can her dad meet her/is she sensible enough to get a train and her dad meet her?

In my experience from 14-18 some kids massively regress. They can’t deal with the pressure of being ‘mature’ and whilst they can outwardly appear very worldly they need a lot of assurance at home. You’re expecting a lot of her.

I would give her a couple of weeks and then possibly give her a ‘treat’ for being a big sister and for helping with her sister. Again, it sounds infantile but it’s a small way to make her feel special and included within the new dynamic.

Give her and yourself time OP, it’s a big change and it requires the dust to settle. Congrats on your baby!

@SmidgenofaPigeon

That is one expensive car seat though and I probably wouldn’t have kept my gob shut on that at 15.

yes i thought that too.

@ScienceSensibility

You are certainly not a ‘shit mum’.

She, however sounds awful. Self centred beyond ‘normal’ teenage level. You must be so disappointed with her rotten attitude.

Focus on your sister, who needs your support.

Very harsh for a teenager who’s adapting to her mum having a new baby with someone new for the first time.

She’s not awful, she’s a child who clearly feels very left out (probably unreasonably) but teenagers are unreasonable. Put it in her perspective.

I don't think your a bad mum or she's a bad daughter your both just human.
When she is going back to school maybe have a talk with her about an allowance and bank or Revolut account.
There is a lot information online about money management and teaching it to young people.
It could become your thing . If she has any goals to save towards that would help.
I do hope your sister is ok and I would be sure your DD really does want to miss the visit before offering lifts etc.
She could have said something in temper she doesn't mean and might find it hard to back down if your too quick to give her a way out.
Especially as teenage logic will change that to you stopping her from seeing her auntie

@BabylonDreams

The point being my "uncaring" DP held the whole family up at this time. He was everyone's rock. He's just exasperated with DD's attitude right now, as am I

OP it's interesting what you've focused on in your responses -
Defending the car seat
Defending DP
The money and who spends what on whom
Your DD's social life and the detour

But nowhere are you responding to the many posters pointing out that her life has just been turned upside by the arrival of a small baby half-sibling, and how that must make her feel, and how those feelings are no doubt impacting on her behaviour.

Have you addressed this with her? Have you talked about the baby and how she's feeling?

It seems like this is the huge elephant in the room you don't want to look at here?

It's not about the money, it's what that represents to her. You are not a bad mum, but she's not spoilt either, and in many ways her behaviour is entirely understandable for a 15 year old in her situation tbh.

This, you need to talk to her OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a lot to say. Listen to her complaints and assure her that NOTHING has changed in your relationship.

It’s going off like a foghorn how clearly insecure she feels.

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

Why does she know how much the car seat cost?