Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

She may feel that it wasn’t very thoughtful to just give her money rather than make the effort to get her a gift she would like and was thoughtful (not necessarily expensive!) especially if she is feeling vulnerable anyway with the new sibling. Did you pore over which car seat to get (I’m sure you researched) yet just gave her cash. This may her upset her a little. X

You keep returning to the word 'fault' in your posts, even when numerous posters have said there is no one at 'fault' here.

There are two people with different priorities and worldviews.

One of them is still developing psychologically and physiologically. She has recently become 'second best' (in her view) following the arrival of a new child. She is at an age where friends are number one, and she is starting to before hyper-aware of material goods and what they mean for her place in the world.

It will be difficult to place how she is truly feeling and unlikely she will be able to fully articulate it yet. There may be things going on that you don't know about.

The other has had to deal with numerous stressful and painful adult problems (difficult pregnancy and presumably ongoing physical complications, limited finances, constant care for a baby, maintaing a relationship, illness of close family).

Cut her and yourself some slack.

She isn't going to fully understand where you are coming from because she's 15.

You aren't going to fully understand where she's coming from because you're not 15.

Stop searching for 'fault'.

Your DP may not have said anything to her direct but children pick up on vibes and are very astute.
I think most 15 year olds would struggle with a sibling/half siblings coming along. All the attention of on babies needs and a lot of finances too at a time when they will be struggling with hormones, exam pressures (imagine having a baby or toddler around whilst doing GCSEs or a levels) usual teen friendship dramas, impacts on lifts etc for their social life. It’s no wonder she is struggling.

@ojss21

I understand this is a very simplistic viewpoint, you did manage to find £250 for the new child and only £100 for her.

That's because there are two of us financially contributing to the baby, me and DP. DD is my sole financial responsibility, I wouldn't expect DP to contribute.

I totally understand this - but m not sure my 15 year old self would've ! As pp have pointed out I don't think it's the money per se , more what it represents to her, and I think that's a demotion in the family pecking order. Also a difference in treatment - you AND dp getting things for the baby, just you for her iyswim .

@ineedsun

She’s also 15.

(Before everyone piles on saying NAFYOALT, and their daughter is amazing, they’re not always, but they can be really selfish. As others have said, her nose is also out of joint because of the new baby)

What on earth does NAFYOALT mean?

I googled it and it was either Himalayan salt licks or North American Trade Agreement and I doubt if you mean either.

Absolutely what BabylonDreams said. Teenagers are not cute, and quite well aware of it. I doubt whether it’s about the money, too, apart from general teen cluelessness and being on to the next thing (and, of course, how everyone else has x, y or z and how everyone else’s parents let them do such and such).

The trouble is with a big age-gap baby is that it’s like a first baby, with all the excitement and buying new stuff etc etc (eg pricey car seat) so no wonder your dd feels like old news.

Forget everything else. Just remember she is a TEENAGER.
Nothing will satisfy her at this stage in life.
You sound like a very good Mum, accept that she will think you are rubbish for the moment and just do your best. They do get better in the main. Good Luck

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

I think even if you had given her the 250 pounds she would have still been unhappy/grumpy. Because its not really about the money/presents at all. So don't feel bad for not being able to afford to buy your way out of the problem - because that would just make the situation worse. I suspect you will need to prove to her that she isn't going to be pushed out because of the baby - and that is harder but necessary.

None of her business how much the car seat cost and not comparable with birthday money either but that’s typical 15 year old logic! Agree she’s at a tricky age and probably feeling mixed emotions about a lot of things, baby included.

If I were you I’d sit her down and have a chat. Even if all you do is give each other 5 mins to talk with the other just listening and then giving each other space to reflect. You could show empathy re the new baby and her disappointment about not seeing her friends but let her know that her attitude towards a monetary gift is unacceptable and explain that you’re visiting her aunt because of the circumstances and if DD was going through whatever health issues it is, you’re sure her aunt would do the same for her. I certainly wouldn’t be calling her spoilt or yourself as a shit mum, I think it’s just life!

Also agree with @BuffyFanForever - I bet choosing a car seat took hours of your and your dp’s time. £100 took no time at all. I expect she would rather have had a smaller gift you had chosen carefully for her .

Why does she know how much the car seat cost?

Have you read my other posts? She asked me outright how much it was

@DottyHarmer

Also agree with *@BuffyFanForever* - I bet choosing a car seat took hours of your and your dp’s time. £100 took no time at all. I expect she would rather have had a smaller gift you had chosen carefully for her .

It took around an hour of our time.

The car seat isn't a gift to the baby. It's something that YOU need. She is totally out of order on that.

But yep, at 15 arrangements made with friends, matter. And they have no control when parents make plans that mean they have to cancel. Imagine being in that position yourself. You have plans to see your friend for the day, made well in advance, and at the last minute your partner says "I've made other plans for us both, so you can't go"

"No, it wasn't £250 for a gift for the baby. It was £250 for an item that I needed, and for which I found £125. DP paid the other half. Now I'm sure that what you meant to say was 'thank you for the £100, mum' "

imagine having a baby or toddler around whilst doing GCSEs or a levels)

I don't need to imagine - I did. Two of them actually.

Your daughter needs to get used to having to share , fwiw , we have a six year age gap and I’ve never spent the same on them both for birthdays / Christmas etc they get what they have asked for / need / desire within reason . Neither of mine has ever looked at what I’ve spent on the other and made a comparison with what they received or what I’ve spent . I’d have a conversation with your daughter about your expectations on her behaviour moving forward .

@FatJan

You keep returning to the word 'fault' in your posts, even when numerous posters have said there is no one at 'fault' here.

There are two people with different priorities and worldviews.

One of them is still developing psychologically and physiologically. She has recently become 'second best' (in her view) following the arrival of a new child. She is at an age where friends are number one, and she is starting to before hyper-aware of material goods and what they mean for her place in the world.

It will be difficult to place how she is truly feeling and unlikely she will be able to fully articulate it yet. There may be things going on that you don't know about.

The other has had to deal with numerous stressful and painful adult problems (difficult pregnancy and presumably ongoing physical complications, limited finances, constant care for a baby, maintaing a relationship, illness of close family).

Cut her and yourself some slack.

She isn't going to fully understand where you are coming from because she's 15.

You aren't going to fully understand where she's coming from because you're not 15.

Stop searching for 'fault'.

Brilliant and helpful post- thank you

I take my dd shopping and buy the things she wants for her birthday. I don't give her the money and we have lunch and Starbucks

Honestly I'd say neither, she's adjusting to not being an only child so will slightly act out and she's also a teenager, have you spent any one on one time with her recently ?? You're not a shit mum at all I think we all feel mum guilt when our kids go through changes and struggle with it. Also I'd just calmly talk to her and remind her that she has been out of order, hope everything works out OP xxx

@Christmasfairy2020

I take my dd shopping and buy the things she wants for her birthday. I don't give her the money and we have lunch and Starbucks

This made me feel sad because we did used to do little shopping trips like this all the time. It's just so hard now with the baby too. I'm trying my best but the baby is just so demanding of my time and energy.

£100 doesnt go far these days

Shes being bratty and possibly jealous of the new sibling

@ojss21 I think you may have just found the problem with your last post OP.

I've read through the thread and am genuinely shocked that no one had mentioned what I'm thinking- well one person has, in passing, and no one else has picked up on it!

When my dd (14) over reacts to things like that, it's often because she's stressed or anxious. I suspect with your sister this is the case. You've told her she's unwell and she's reacted quite extremely, doesn't want to see her- she's probably scared! My cousins wouldn't even see our grandparents when they were ill- even as adults!

I would approach it from that angle, say it's completely understandable that she might be anxious and find that hard to deal with, then give her the option of putting her on a train.

My dd did something similar recently, I booked her into first class for a treat and because it gave free food on the journey which would've actually cost me more to give her money to get snacks, and I felt it would be safer with more staff around and less passengers. She had a great time!

Just to add i was horrific at 15.At that age you think the world is against you.