Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

Honestly? Neither. Why are those the only alternatives?

1. She is jealous of the baby and feeling insecure. Normal. It's not about money at all. It's about sharing your love and attention and approval. The best answer is more of your time and attention. Find ways to be with her and listen to her and enjoy each other's company, time when the baby is in the background and not the centre of your interest and attention. Can your DP take over more with the baby so you have more headspace for DD?

1. She is worried about her aunt and wants everything to be normal and easy. And she probably doesn't want someone else making demands on you either, on top of the baby. So she is stropping.

Though it doesn't really sound that bad anyway, She's a teenager and teenagers are often a bit self-centred.

Your DP could drive her home and leave you at your sister's and you get the train the next day.

Funny you say this - he's literally just offered to do exactly this if we take two cars.

'That's right, a hundred and twenty five quid from each of her parents on making sure she doesn't die in a car accident over the next twelve years and you got a hundred from your mother to spend on MaccyDs and clothes from Primark. I think my spending an extra twenty-five on something lifesaving is pretty reasonable, actually'

I mean doesn’t feel 100% apart of - not actually saying she isn’t in your family 100%

I’ve sent a PM op.

Hmm I see both sides here. It's v difficult for her with a new baby coming along and it's not great for you to forget her birthday plans with her friends and essentially cancel them.

However if I was stretched for cash and my kid told me £100 wasn't good enough, I think I'd take it off them and see how they like getting nothing.

OP I don't think you're a bad mum, in fact I think you are a good mum and just trying to do your best by everyone. I also don't think your daughter is selfish, I think she's struggling and also acting like a typical teen.

The fact she compared the car seat with how much she got for her birthday suggests to me that she is keeping an eye on how much the new baby is getting compared to her. Of course a car seat and birthday money are different, I'm sure you had to buy a car seat for her when she was a baby but she won't be thinking that way.

She'll see £250 on the baby and £100 on her. She won't be thinking that your partner paid £125 for it and she got some money or presents from her Dad. She won't be thinking about how much you give her over the month for days out etc.

I do think it was a very good idea from a PP to give her a monthly allowance in a bank account so she can be more grown up, she can learn how to budget and there's an amount there that she can physically see you're spending on her.

She needs to feel loved so some time together just you and her is a great idea.

I don't really have much more to add but you're in a tough position OP and I don't think anyone is to blame but it will get better.

Sounds like the behaviour of a normal teen if I'm honest.

Not spoilt. She's a 15 year old now with a new baby in the family. Give the girl a break. She's acting out for a reason.

Op what would dd get from her dad for her birthday?

15 is such an awful age to have a new half sibling. She’s in the middle of her GSCE’s and is going to be going through some of the most important years of her life for the next 3 years - and now a lot of her Mum’s focus will now be on a baby and then a toddler. I highly doubt any of her friends will be experiencing the same thing either so she probably feels frustrated and a little bit isolated.

And surely you do realise a car seat is not going to last 12 years - right!?

@ojss21

Where is her DF in all this? Why doesn't he contribute to her birthdays etc?

He does. I said earlier on he has given her cash too towards a new iPhone that she wants

So basically she is comparing your half of her birthday presents with two parents' contribution to the car safety seat.

This really is very classic teen behaviour. Its reasonable to point out the reality, don't get locked into emotive arguments. They often absorb a reasonable and calm point but would die rather than admit it. Bend where it works but keep the clear boundaries, make sure you still have time with her etc - its mostly cliches but they really do grow out of it.

I haven't forgotten her birthday plans with a friend. The thing she wants to do with her friends next week is nothing to do with her birthday, it's just another social outing (about the 10th this summer holiday)

Sorry. Last post was for @catfunk

Age gap kid here and have age gaps kids myself.
I’m gonna offer a different perspective on the 100 pounds, of course that’s a lot of money to get and if it’s in line with what she normally gets then I understand your surprise at her reaction.
But the other thing you said was she was disappointed in not having as much to open , is this really about having the things to open or is it about the thought and effort that would go into picking out gifts?
Sometimes 15 year olds expect you to be psychic and know exactly what they’d like even if it’s only something small , from her POV you have time and money and energy to get a “fancy” ( in her eyes) car seat but not the time and effort to buy her - whatever extra surprise she was expecting-

Teens are irrational, you and your DP see how much you do for her , paying for stuff , driving places and trying to juggle a 5 month old baby at the same time - and I know that’s not easy - but she sees that as stuff you were doing before for her and the fact you have a baby is your problem to solve , not hers, which of course looks awful written down but that can be the subconscious mind of a teen.

The trip, well on the surface how she reacted was awful , I would be upset too in your shoes and while it probably comes back to control and fear of missing out , your sister is unwell and she should be more understanding of that.
It’s possible your DD feels like there’s so much going on around her that she has no control or say over and making plans with her friends is the only thing she does have some say over.

It’s hard for you, I was awful at her age - much worse 😂😂
I’m sure your DD loves her sibling and her aunt and this is just a phase , a lot of change , a lot of hormones
And just remind your DP of this when his DC is 15 :)

Did you got car seat in the car on the day of dd15 birthday?

The car seat isn’t ‘expensive’ yes there are cheaper options, but the cheaper options also compromise on safety. I won’t get into the background of it but research will tell you that. Isofix is also a safety feature. And it is by law that a child has to sit in on a booster seat (believe this is changing to high back booster) up to the age of 12. £250 is nothing in comparison to the amount of years and the safety you will get out of it.

A 15 year old won’t automatically know any of that. A 15 year old would probably see that the baby is so important to you that you would happily throw hundreds of pounds on expensive items instead of cheaper alternative items, and spending way less on her birthday because she is least important. Maybe you could explain to her why you didn’t choose a cheaper car seat? 15 years although can be selfish, they do have a heart. The difficult bit is being able to tune in to that heart. But getting into the nitty gritty of a teenagers mind, how it works and understanding their outbursts instead of assuming they’re selfish and spoilt will go a long way into shaping who they will become as an adult.

I have a 17 year old, it was me and her for 10 years until I met my partner. We married and had her baby brother when she was 15. It was important for me for my husband to treat her as like his own. Yes she has her own dad and gets money, presents from him, but what her brother has that she doesn’t - is an unbroken family with his parents together in his home. I didn’t want her to feel like an outcast, that she only belongs to me and not all of us as one. And I think this really helped her come to terms with the change, her baby brother and her positive attitude towards us. She isn’t treated any differently by her stepdad and she knows I wouldn’t allow her be treated differently.

I think that’s something you could probably work on op, and could contribute to why she feels left out, not important.

@Doyouhearme

Op what would dd get from her dad for her birthday?

About £150 towards a new iPhone. Plus money on top of that from parental grandparents who transfer cash to her all the time for stuff.

She needs to mature and understand that she actually needs to cut you some slack. , but sounds like at this point she’s a way off that maturity- wise

And surely you do realise a car seat is not going to last 12 years - right!?

From the OP's post:

It has an isofix base attached, that's what's made it more expensive. It's also suitable for up to 12 years of age so it's the only seat we will need for the youngest

And no the OP has also said she doesn't envisage a pre teen using it but if it lasts through to 7 or 8 it still is cost effective. Not to mention the minor detail that the baby's DF contributes half so the disparity is actually 100 vs 125 if you insist on treating safety kit and birthday presents as equivalent.

I don't expect a teenager to distinguish between safety kit, lower income in mat leave etc and their own wants but adults should be able to see the difference.

In that case she expects more money because she’s getting a lot of money. 15 year olds do not need to be rich.

The language you use ‘just another social outing’ does kind of belittle things that are important to her.
I feel like you’re expecting her to demonstrate adult responses to things when she doesn’t have an adult brain!
I can’t imagine it’s easy looking after the baby and dealing with her stropping off but being gentle though firm with her and at least trying to see her point of view will help.

You’re not a shit mum

@Hankunamatata

Did you got car seat in the car on the day of dd15 birthday?

No

Angryfrommanchester1
A bit spoilt, but yes she’s kicking off a bit about the baby. This age difference will be very hard but you do need to still make time for her.
If I listened to my DS at the ages of 13-16, he was the worst treated child ever, as his friends had £3k spent on them each at Xmas, including designer gear also given £50pw spending money, could stay up until whatever time they wanted, order takeaway for every meal etc etc. Some of it was true but I suspect most was all BS.
£50pw spending money?!? Does he go to a private school. Hahah
No quite the opposite, an academy which was previously a failing comp. This boy lives on a council estate in Manchester. The £50pw spending money was the part that I suspected was true, as he spent it in the local shop before and after school.