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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

637 replies

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 09:37

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

  1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).
  1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Wannakisstheteacher · 21/08/2021 19:19

The fact is though that your DP didn’t actually contribute anything. He lives with your daughter but clearly didn’t think to say “let me give you some money for a present” so get anything himself. Whether she knows it or not, your DD lives with a man who didn’t think he needed to get her a birthday present. And I think that’s pretty poor. It’s not about being financially responsibly - it’s about caring enough to buy a child a birthday present.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:23

@Wannakisstheteacher

The fact is though that your DP didn’t actually contribute anything. He lives with your daughter but clearly didn’t think to say “let me give you some money for a present” so get anything himself. Whether she knows it or not, your DD lives with a man who didn’t think he needed to get her a birthday present. And I think that’s pretty poor. It’s not about being financially responsibly - it’s about caring enough to buy a child a birthday present.
He didn't think to say this because I didn't think I was "short" of cash for her birthday! I thought £100 was more than ample but apparently not 🤷‍♀️ he's also known me for 6 years and knows I don't ever want contributions of this type so it's my choice, not his.

Rather than my dd lives with a man who didn't think to contribute to her birthday, it's a case of my dd has a mum who chooses to be solely financially responsible for her (other than her own dad). That's my choice, not his or hers.

OP posts:
Wannakisstheteacher · 21/08/2021 19:25

Bloody Hell!!! Buying a birthday gift doesn’t make you financially responsible for someone. You have such a warped view of things. I bought DS’s friend a gift last week, do I now need to pay half of his living expenses until adulthood 😂

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:26

@Wannakisstheteacher

I want no further interaction with you, your comments are utterly unhelpful (and inaccurate). I won't be replying to anything else you say.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:28

At least the other disgusting comment got deleted

OP posts:
Wannakisstheteacher · 21/08/2021 19:33

You can’t help some people. You started a thread, you’ve been given helpful advice, which you just ignore.

Your daughter feels left out. No one, really no one, wants a new half sibling at 15. She feels pushed out. Your DP seems to be totally separate from her, not even getting her a gift is odd, even if your chose to close your eyes to that. When you turn your existing child’s life completely upside down at a really critical age you need to focus on making sure they feel secure. Getting a fancy car seat but shoving her cash in an envelope for her birthday doesn’t make her feel good. She’s telling you that as clearly as she can at 15.

I’ll leave you to bury your head even further in the sand.

Unsure33 · 21/08/2021 19:39

@ojss21

I think it is very important at that age for them to learn that budgeting exists. Sometimes you can afford to be generous sometimes you can not . That’s life . She will learn that soon enough. I think £100 is generous when you are on ML.

Don’t back down on that one . We never had any new presents when we were kids . Never did us any harm . Just made us value things more .

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:41

You can’t help some people. You started a thread, you’ve been given helpful advice, which you just ignore.

Incorrect. Read my comments, ive responded to many helpful posters. I don't find you personally helpful - that's fine. Not everyone can be helpful. And that's ok.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 21/08/2021 19:41

@Wannakisstheteacher

Load of rubbish . She never said she did not want cash . She said she wanted more! So you expect parents to go into debt to pander to teenagers ?

JimandPam · 21/08/2021 19:43

No one, really no one, wants a new half sibling at 15

Come on OP, shove that baby back up where it came from 😂

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2021 19:45

@Wannakisstheteacher I get what you're saying but what OP is saying is that the cash was given to her from OP and her DP. If the OP was still with her ex then the same would have happened the OP and ex would have given her the money together.

The cash came from the OP but it was given as a present from the DP and OP. OP's just paying for it all because it's her daughter and she wants to. The daughter doesn't know that it's all come from OP.

Hope that makes sense.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:50

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Yes, spot on.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 19:51

@JimandPam

No one, really no one, wants a new half sibling at 15

Come on OP, shove that baby back up where it came from 😂

😂😂
OP posts:
Twillow · 21/08/2021 19:54

@Planty13

I don’t get the comments about the car seat either. My car seat was £260 and it was one of the cheapest I could find with the recommended safety features that I don’t consider negotiable. (ISO fix, 15months + rear facing and added bonus it should get us through many many years due to its diversity which means I won’t have to fork out for a new one anytime soon, if at all.)
I looked at Argos to see if it was the actual cost of car seats nowadays. Plenty considerably below £250, ISOfix and all. They wouldn't be allowed to sell them if they didn't have the recommended safety features...
lunar1 · 21/08/2021 19:56

How much 1:1 time have you had with your daughter since the baby was born?

I'm guessing there wasn't much while you were pregnant as you were so ill-I had HG for both pregnancies for the full 9 months so split my time between the sofa and hospital.

Have you made time for her since the birth? She could be feeling really disconnected from you right now. What did you do on her actual birthday?

AngeloMysterioso · 21/08/2021 20:01

Try and think of it from DD’s point of view here.

It’s not her fault you and DP decided to have a baby.
It’s not her fault your pregnancy was rough.
It’s not her fault you’re on maternity leave.
It’s not her fault you don’t have as much money as usual.
It’s not her fault you don’t have as much energy or free time as usual.
All these things were decisions, or consequences of decisions that you made, that don’t really benefit her at all, and yet she is the one now missing out (to be clear, this isn’t what I think, but more what I can imagine a 15 year old thinking).

And let’s not pretend the £250 on the car seat is the only new baby purchase… you’ll have needed a crib, pram, clothes, all that other stuff, plus the new baby will have been showered with presents when she was born. DD probably felt completely forgotten.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/08/2021 20:05

@Planty13

I don’t get the comments about the car seat either. My car seat was £260 and it was one of the cheapest I could find with the recommended safety features that I don’t consider negotiable. (ISO fix, 15months + rear facing and added bonus it should get us through many many years due to its diversity which means I won’t have to fork out for a new one anytime soon, if at all.)
Mine ticks all those boxes and it was £180
MumDadBingoBLUEY · 21/08/2021 20:06

I remember being around that age, and feeling hard done by that so much money was being spent on my siblings' nursery fees, and I had hardly any money for the things I wanted.

I even whinged to my stepdad about it once Blush

From my perspective now, as an adult, she's being unreasonable, but as a teenager I would've been totally on her side.

I know it's hard with such a small baby, but definitely try to carve out some 1:1 time with her when DP can have the baby. Remind her (at a calm moment for all) that she had a carseat/other expensive equipment as a baby, and empathise that while it seems unfair in the moment, she has had all of this already.

Good luck OP. It is hard going from only to eldest in your teens, but she will pull through, and hopefully with as strong a bond with her DS as I have with my siblings.

Flyingantday · 21/08/2021 20:06

@AngeloMysterioso

Try and think of it from DD’s point of view here.

It’s not her fault you and DP decided to have a baby.
It’s not her fault your pregnancy was rough.
It’s not her fault you’re on maternity leave.
It’s not her fault you don’t have as much money as usual.
It’s not her fault you don’t have as much energy or free time as usual.
All these things were decisions, or consequences of decisions that you made, that don’t really benefit her at all, and yet she is the one now missing out (to be clear, this isn’t what I think, but more what I can imagine a 15 year old thinking).

And let’s not pretend the £250 on the car seat is the only new baby purchase… you’ll have needed a crib, pram, clothes, all that other stuff, plus the new baby will have been showered with presents when she was born. DD probably felt completely forgotten.

Perceptive post
Mydogmylife · 21/08/2021 20:09

Personally I think there's far too much emphasis from both posters and the op on the actual cash/gift, where the cash came from etc. Op your daughter seems to be feeling insecure , she's not getting the same attention from you which you have admitted, and although that's understandable, she's feeling left out of your new little family.
Stop just defending your dp, your actions re 'financial responsibility' etc and just make sure she's feeling loved, secure and that her old life hasn't completely gone from her, through no choice of her own.
She's 15, still a child in so many ways

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 20:11

And let’s not pretend the £250 on the car seat is the only new baby purchase… you’ll have needed a crib, pram, clothes, all that other stuff, plus the new baby will have been showered with presents when she was born

Well I don't think I have "pretended" this. The car seat is the relevant item for this thread because it's the one DD happened to make a comparison with. Yes the baby has needed a lot of money spent on her. But so has my DD over the past 15 years. I'm spending no more or less on the baby than I would have done on her at the same stage had my financial circumstances back then been as they are now.

I will say that for baby clothes we have mostly used Facebook marketplace for second hand bundles as I know how quickly they grow out of them. Whereas when my eldest needs new clothes she obviously has brand new stuff.

The gift thing when baby was born can't be helped - of course new babies are showered with family gifts. As was my DD back then. In fact I'd argue she was more so, because she had (and still very much has) input from paternal grandparents, whereas my youngest DD has only my family.

OP posts:
ohnonotyetplease · 21/08/2021 20:11

She's old enough to understand gratitude....but since when do 15-year-olds do what they should Grin
I feel sorry for you juggling everything that's going on but it sounds to me like she could do with a bit more quality time with you and a bit more being-listened-to (however bratty she's possibly being on any given day!)
Hugs to you both
She'll turn out right - you sound like a nice mum to me!

JimandPam · 21/08/2021 20:18

And let’s not pretend the £250 on the car seat is the only new baby purchase… you’ll have needed a crib, pram, clothes, all that other stuff

I really don't understand all these posters harping on about the essentials needed for a newborn. So OP should add up everything she spent on necessities for the baby and gift her DD the same?

Should she now spend £90 on the new baby since she paid for her DDs haircut?

OP, why don't you add up 15 years of expenditure on your daughter on these essentials and make sure you get something appropriately expensive for the baby?

I get that as a teenager her DD won't understand this but she is old enough to have it explained to her and then grasp it a little more.

But OPs daughter is 15, I'm not sure what excuse some posters have to make such ridiculous comparisons

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 20:19

@ohnonotyetplease

She's old enough to understand gratitude....but since when do 15-year-olds do what they should Grin I feel sorry for you juggling everything that's going on but it sounds to me like she could do with a bit more quality time with you and a bit more being-listened-to (however bratty she's possibly being on any given day!) Hugs to you both She'll turn out right - you sound like a nice mum to me!

Thank you

OP posts:
Mickarooni · 21/08/2021 20:20

@ojss21
I think you’re had some of these responses because your children have different fathers. I wonder how this would have gone if you had a big age gap with the same partner?

Younger children show all sorts of different challenging behaviours when a new sibling is born and we don’t suggest it’s selfish to have another child. Rather, we look at ways to make sure the older child doesn’t feel resentment.
I understand why you’ve been defensive and some people have been unfair. I’ve seen posts where you’ve clearly taken on board the comments e.g. DP driving your daughter home so she can see her friends and you did acknowledge it’s been harder to have one on one time with your daughter.
She’s at a difficult stage, trying to figure out her place in the world, not an adult but not a child either. It sounds like you need to see her strop about the money as communicating something and it not actually about the money. She wants you and your time and your reassurance. I know it’s hard with a baby but I think she is probably insecure and just needs her mum. She’s not selfish and you’re not a bad mum. Flowers