Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

Found it - it was the 'helps out here and there' comment - if you meant on top of decent child support, and not instead of, I get you! I read that as he sporadically buys things she needs/wants, and when you are eg getting uniform etc, but doesn't offer CM, whereas DP earns twice what you do - so an imbalance. If your ex pays a decent level of support and provides extras then no, I agree, finances for your girls are effectively the same.

The cash gift is, as far as she's concerned, from us both. The fact that I funded it is neither here nor there - it's packaged as a joint gift when it is presented to her

So what would have been a present just from you, became a present from both of you, though it was exactly the same present she would have got from you alone? He brought nothing extra to her?

It's not the cash value, though DD is framing it in terms of cash. It's the emotional extra. She is sharing you with him and with her new sister, so what does she get from each of them?

Sorry, I realise I am not really explaining myself very well. I think I'd better stop! Anyway I don't think you or your family are doing anything wrong.

I just think you have to be careful it isn’t “us three” ie you, OP and baby. Even if you know that’s not the case, a disgruntled teen might feel mired in resentment and misery and wallow in how she’s been rejected. I think you will have to really demonstrate that that is not the case. My dsis felt exactly like this, bombed her O Levels and left school (and this is a, er, rather academic family) and then left home at 17.

I find the focus on whether DP got her a birthday present utterly bizarre.

I find it bizarre that he's been in her life 6 years and didn't buy her anything.

I wanted to add that she isn't being spoilt. My kids had their siblings at a much younger age and I remember explaining how I'm a fair mum because I buy stuff when the kids need it. If dc1 needs socks I am not going to buy socks for Dc2 nor buy something of equivalent value for the sake of it. It took a few chats but they understood not to be threatened when their sibling got something new because they will get whatever they need when the time is right.

A bit spoilt by the 'only £100 cash' thing, but otherwise sounds like pretty standard 15 year old behaviour.

Actually, I take it back. Not spoilt at all !

@Wannakisstheteacher

It actually sounds to me that her Father is significantly more generous, money wise. The partner seems rather tight if he didn’t even contribute to her birthday present.

🙄

Her father is responsible for her so he bloody well should be paying more! This is getting tedious now but I'll explain again: my partner is not tight with his money - I choose to financially support my daughter by myself. That's my choice.

@perfectstorm

Found it - it was the 'helps out here and there' comment - if you meant on top of decent child support, and not instead of, I get you! I read that as he sporadically buys things she needs/wants, and when you are eg getting uniform etc, but doesn't offer CM, whereas DP earns twice what you do - so an imbalance. If your ex pays a decent level of support and provides extras then no, I agree, finances for your girls are effectively the same.

Her dad helps out here and there with extras. Like school trips, days out, hairdressers, etc. He pays CMS.

It’s not about financially supporting her, Dear God, it’s about buying a present for a child you live with, who is the half siblings of your own child.

The fact he didn’t get anything speaks volumes.

@Wannakisstheteacher

It’s not about financially supporting her, Dear God, it’s about buying a present for a child you live with, who is the half siblings of your own child.

The fact he didn’t get anything speaks volumes.

Another one who can't / won't read

Another one who can't / won't read

I also thought he hadn't bought her anything? The money was from you, and the small gifts such as chocolates were also from you? Did he buy her a present?

Thanks to all who have offered helpful advice and suggestions. I'm going to step away from the weirdos this thread appears to be attracting.

Thanks again to all those who I've already acknowledged as helpful - your time to contribute to the thread is appreciated.

No. The cash is from both of them even though only OP contributed. But somehow the car seat was from both of them and they each paid half 🤨

I’m sure you’re doing a great job OP. Teenagers can be selfish and quite shitty at times. It’s normal.

@Planty13

I’m sure you’re doing a great job OP. Teenagers can be selfish and quite shitty at times. It’s normal.

Thank you. We do our best!

I don’t get the comments about the car seat either. My car seat was £260 and it was one of the cheapest I could find with the recommended safety features that I don’t consider negotiable. (ISO fix, 15months + rear facing and added bonus it should get us through many many years due to its diversity which means I won’t have to fork out for a new one anytime soon, if at all.)

I spent most of my life as just me and my mum and I would have been a nightmare if she'd had had a new baby when I was 15! It's no one's fault, she is feeling turmoil at her life changing and not being your main priority any more (at the same time as being a general teenager...) but that won't always be the case, she'll realise that you couldn't put your life on hold for all time because of her. For now, be a bit indulgent (as you seem to be doing) about things like time with her friends, and see if there are any bits of 'the way life used to be' that you can keep to make her feel a bit more secure.

@Wannakisstheteacher

No. The cash is from both of them even though only OP contributed. But somehow the car seat was from both of them and they each paid half 🤨

No, you are deliberately misrepresenting that so let me help (one last time):

As far as my dd is aware the gift was a joint one from myself and DP. The fact that it was funded solely by me is my own choice, and not something my dd is aware of therefore it's irrelevant from her point of view.

The car seat is not "from" both of us - that's silly terminology because it's not a gift. It was a jointly purchased necessity for mine and DP's shared DD for whom we are both financially responsible.

It's not that hard, really. Won't be repeating this again.

@Mufflette

I like the concept of "the way life used to be" - thank you! I will try this approach

I think it's all actually quite sad and feel sorry for your daughter. She likely feels pushed out from your new family unit of you your DP and your baby together. Then her aunt is unwell. Then on top of that she knows you spent £250 on a carseat but only gave her £100 - it is unfair no matter how you look at it. Any reason why your DP couldn't have bought the carseat so you could have given the same amount to your DD?

@Whinge

Another one who can't / won't read

I also thought he hadn't bought her anything? The money was from you, and the small gifts such as chocolates were also from you? Did he buy her a present?

No - they were joint presents that I chose to solely fund. They are still, as far as I am concerned and my DD is concerned, jointly from us both.

@InFiveMins

I think it's all actually quite sad and feel sorry for your daughter. She likely feels pushed out from your new family unit of you your DP and your baby together. Then her aunt is unwell. Then on top of that she knows you spent £250 on a carseat but only gave her £100 - it is unfair no matter how you look at it. Any reason why your DP couldn't have bought the carseat so you could have given the same amount to your DD?

I would never give her £250 for a birthday anyway, regardless of a new baby or not. That's an insane amount. So no, I don't think I should have given her "the same amount". I don't sit and tot up every last penny on each daughter each month and make it "equal" - that's ridiculous. If that's how we do things, by rights I should have bought my baby a luxury item to the value of £90 back in June when I paid for DD1's new hair! Shall I backdate that gift for my baby, then, so it's equal amounts all round?