Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

Typical teenager to be honest. Mine refused to come on holiday as wouldn't see their partner when they've spent everyday with them since the start of the holiday. They’re very egocentric at that age.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

OP I don't think you're a bad mum, in fact I think you are a good mum and just trying to do your best by everyone. I also don't think your daughter is selfish, I think she's struggling and also acting like a typical teen.

The fact she compared the car seat with how much she got for her birthday suggests to me that she is keeping an eye on how much the new baby is getting compared to her. Of course a car seat and birthday money are different, I'm sure you had to buy a car seat for her when she was a baby but she won't be thinking that way.

She'll see £250 on the baby and £100 on her. She won't be thinking that your partner paid £125 for it and she got some money or presents from her Dad. She won't be thinking about how much you give her over the month for days out etc.

I do think it was a very good idea from a PP to give her a monthly allowance in a bank account so she can be more grown up, she can learn how to budget and there's an amount there that she can physically see you're spending on her.

She needs to feel loved so some time together just you and her is a great idea.

I don't really have much more to add but you're in a tough position OP and I don't think anyone is to blame but it will get better.

Agree with all of this.

If her mindset has been fixed on what she’s lost out on since her sister came along - this birthday money/car seat thing is the “gotcha” she’s been waiting for to prove her point. It’s confirmation bias. It’s difficult for you because however hard you try, you can never go back to giving her the time and attention she used to have, so the adjustment period was always going to be hard - even without the teenage hormones!!

@Youseethethingis

The problem is, you have two people's income meeting the baby's needs, and one person's meeting the teenager. And however you manage that, the disparity will show The teenager has her mum, her dad and her grandparents contributions. The baby has her mum and her dad's contributions. So yes, there is a disparity, but not one which will be solved by the teenager also getting from her step dad too.

Which is why I said a discussion needed to happen, so the teenager understood that her mum takes pride in managing her needs herself.

Does help to read the posts you quote.

OP stop feeling guilty about having a new baby. Your dds behaviour is totally normal for a stroppy teenager (who has been indulged a bit)

I work with an 17 year old who has just caused merry hell with her dad as her younger sibling got a 'better' present for his 14th than she did for her 17th. They are full siblings...

Kids can say hideous things that cut you to the wick, some you take them to task over, some you eye roll at and ignore.

I raised dd1 till she was 15, I went on to have two more and get married to some one thats not her dad. She is an adult now and we get on fantastic but in the past she has had her moments where she tried to pull the guilt trip. Eg, expecting me to pay for a boob job because her siblings go to private school ( this was a few year ago -in fact we actually went through a phase of her ordering the most expensive meal or drinks to prove a point until I put my foot down.

Its swings and roundabout. We financially supported her living in another county during lock down so she didnt have to leave her job and come back to the UK. The kids didnt receive any money and they didnt know because its none of their business - just like the car seat you got for your baby - non of her business.

£100 is a decent enough gift, its plenty. You do not have to do like for like regardless what other posters believe or because she says so.

She was rude about visiting your sister especially that she is ill. You should have spoken to her about that. That she should show some empathy to some one that she loves who is having a hard time - because her aunt would do the same to her.

Regarding the car seat - its none of her business

Regarding the birthday money - Its plenty.

OP I'd also encourage her to get a little Saturday job as soon as she is 16

@perfectstorm

That's a well thought out post and very helpful thank you.

Just to address your point re income behind each child. Technically they both have 2 parents' income behind each of them- my eldest DD has me and her Dad, my youngest has me and DP. So I don't feel my eldest loses out in that respect if that makes sense.

@Youseethethingis

The problem is, you have two people's income meeting the baby's needs, and one person's meeting the teenager. And however you manage that, the disparity will show The teenager has her mum, her dad and her grandparents contributions. The baby has her mum and her dad's contributions. So yes, there is a disparity, but not one which will be solved by the teenager also getting from her step dad too.

Yes- this is what I was trying to say.

@ojss21 You have said that you do not expect your dp to contribute to your dd’s birthday. I can understand this, but I think you need to think carefully about the future. My worry would be what happens at Christmas? Does dd1 get what you buy her, but dd2 gets double as your dp puts in his share as well? I know she has a DF, who will also get her presents, but on Christmas morning if she is opening presents and sees that her ds’s presents are double the value of hers, the reaction could be far worse than this reaction over her birthday. I know we shouldn’t look at money spent, but try telling that to a 15 year old! However when dd2 is a bit older, she will wonder why her big sis gets 2 lots of presents!

I honestly don’t know the answer, because there isn’t an easy one!

The first thing that jumped out to me was 250 quid on a car seat 😕 Wow do they really cost that much now.

Your daughter does sound a bit of a brat but she’s had a big change to cope with. I don’t think you’re a bad mum at all. Your daughter could do to learn some gratitude.

@Whoopy
Christmas is a whole new minefield! It will be our first one as a family of four so I have no idea how it will go. Hopefully all of us will be happy and merry 😂😂🤞🏻🤞🏻

Extremely rude of her regarding the money, I wouldn't have stood for that. Utterly awful behaviour. The detour thing is normal teenage stropping and I'd try to calmly chat through that a bit with her.

@ojss21 hopefully by the time your baby is old enough to go what's going your, your older daughter will be out of stroppy teenage stage!

You're definitely not a shit mum and your DD doesn't sound particularly spoilt.

When I was in my teens, twenties and thirties my mum used to give me a £100 cheque for birthdays and Christmas. She gave my sister (similar age) about £100 worth of presents. I used to feel like she didn't care enough about me to find out what I'd like or shop for me.

She said it was because she didn't know what I wanted. So some years I'd tell her what I wanted and she'd tell me to buy it for myself and then she'd refund the money.

This hurt me every year. For me it was never about the money. It was that she knew my sister well enough to select an appropriate gift and wanted to go out, buy it and wrap it. I felt like I was always just an afterthought. I'm sure my mum didn't see it this way. She thought everything was equal because both gifts had the same value.

I wonder whether you DD is feeling these emotions ATM? Is it that you've spent an hour choosing the best seat for your younger daughter and just given the older one cash? It'll be the time and the closeness that she misses.

I also expect she's having a hard time dealing with her emotions about her aunt's illness. It's much harder to just ignore such things if you're not having to sit in the same room. I can completely see why she'd rather avoid it. (I also think she's a nice girl who wouldn't dream of saying that out loud).

You're all doing the best you can in tricky circumstances. I wish you all well.

Did DD literally just get £100 for her birthday plus a couple of small presents to unwrap from you?

Or did you also do all the usual birthday things like buy a cake, take her for a day out/bowling/cinema etc. and take her for dinner out at a restaurant of her choice/get her favourite takeaway in? If so, a gentle reminder of that wouldn't hurt.

I suspect she's struggling with the huge change in her family and possibly she feels you have a new family now that she isn't fully part of. 15 is such a tricky age, you have GCSEs looming, the terror you'll mess them up and ruin your future prospects and the general anxieties about growing up. On top of that your DD has had Covid lockdowns, an aunt who is seriously unwell, a mother who has been poorly with pregnancy and a new half sibling to deal with - that's a lot of change.

The most important thing you can do is make as much time for her as you can. Leave baby with your DP for an afternoon and take her out for quality 1-1 time and love bomb her a bit. Also, plan ahead for Christmas now and make sure you help make your DD feel special.

Did your DP get her anything for her birthday?

Of course he did, didn't he? Something small but thoughtful? He's becoming a very important adult in DD's life, her mother's permanent partner and father of her new sister. Of course he would get her something to mark her birthday. He's not just some blow-in who breaks up her relationship with her mother.

*Did DD literally just get £100 for her birthday plus a couple of small presents to unwrap from you?

Or did you also do all the usual birthday things like buy a cake, take her for a day out/bowling/cinema etc. and take her for dinner out at a restaurant of her choice/get her favourite takeaway in? If so, a gentle reminder of that wouldn't hurt. *

Yes we also went out for a meal and she had a cake.

@ojss21I made a very supportive comment and a few comments later you said your pride would prevent you from asking for financial assistance for your first child. I think it’s telling you don’t respond to a comment suggesting ways to improve your relationship with your daughter but very quickly respond to anything critical of your parenting.

[quote Slothkin]@ojss21I made a very supportive comment and a few comments later you said your pride would prevent you from asking for financial assistance for your first child. I think it’s telling you don’t respond to a comment suggesting ways to improve your relationship with your daughter but very quickly respond to anything critical of your parenting.[/quote]

I have responded to comments aimed at improving my relationship with my daughter. If you look at all my comments you'll see that.

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

If you're struggling on maternity pay I fail to understand why you chose a car seat that cost that much? Some of her behaviour is perfectly normal teen but it also sounds like she reacting to her world being turned upside down by a new baby after 15 years of being an only child.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Did your DP get her anything for her birthday?

Of course he did, didn't he? Something small but thoughtful? He's becoming a very important adult in DD's life, her mother's permanent partner and father of her new sister. Of course he would get her something to mark her birthday. He's not just some blow-in who breaks up her relationship with her mother.

Nice one!

Nice one!

I wasn't meaning to be snarky, sorry. I was trying to show how it might feel to DD.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

I didn't really know what to make of your comment hence why I didn't respond to it. I can't work out if it's passive aggressive sarcasm or what...

I find the focus on whether DP got her a birthday present utterly bizarre. The cash gift is, as far as she's concerned, from us both. The fact that I funded it is neither here nor there - it's packaged as a joint gift when it is presented to her. It's not a case of "here's your birthday cash from me - since it came from my account it's only from me. And DP had nothing to do with it....". Can you imagine 🙄

[quote ojss21]@perfectstorm

That's a well thought out post and very helpful thank you.

Just to address your point re income behind each child. Technically they both have 2 parents' income behind each of them- my eldest DD has me and her Dad, my youngest has me and DP. So I don't feel my eldest loses out in that respect if that makes sense. [/quote]
I got the impression (apologies, it may be my misreading) that her dad hasn't been very forthcoming with financial support, whereas your DP is very generous? If that's wrong, I do agree that it's unlikely to be an element, and I'm sorry for misconstruing.

in a more general sense, I also think that there are more important ways of missing out than money. Your family sounds loving and supportive, and where that's so, things in my experience generally come out in the wash.

It actually sounds to me that her Father is significantly more generous, money wise. The partner seems rather tight if he didn’t even contribute to her birthday present.

I have teens and I think that they would be shocked at the cost of a baby car seat. If you asked them how much do you think they cost then they'd probably guess £50 as they assume it's like a big cushion and not realise that there's loads of testing and engineering that goes into the design.

I'm not saying that you are a bad parent btw but I'm guessing that she immediately thought that you would have spent the same on her birthday as the car seat as you love your girls equally. (Teen logic) Is she aware how much her necessities cost? Eg phone contract, uniform, school shoes. Do you happen to remember how much her car seat cost ? I have teenagers and there were £150 Isofix seats back when they were little (and they didn't last all the stages)

I'm lucky to not have sick family but is there a chance that she usually reacts badly to a last minute change in plans? You're absolutely doing the right thing by seeing your sister and hopefully your dd will realise this despite blurting out how inconvenient the visit is. Don't forget that her brain isn't fully developed yet so is far more impulsive than an adult.