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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

637 replies

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 09:37

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

  1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).
  1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 21/08/2021 15:16

It’s up to you what to do with the extra money if you swap. I just thought you would want the option, as you said, because things are stretched while on maternity.

RightYesButNo · 21/08/2021 15:17

Also, I really hope your sister gets well soon. While I think there have been plenty of opinions on your daughter and I don’t have much else to add, I’m sure worrying about your sister is a lot of added stress Flowers

Anonymous48 · 21/08/2021 15:18

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think people are being a little harsh towards you OP.

Yes, 15 is a very difficult age, and it's even more difficult for her because of the arrival of the baby. It's important to acknowledge that and to let her know you understand and make sure you find ways to spend one on one time with her and let her know she's just as important to you as ever.

Having said that, she was incredibly rude to you! That wouldn't be acceptable in my house and my kids would not expect to get away with it, no matter what was going on in their lives. One of our family's rules, probably the most important one, is that we treat each other with respect.

Youseethethingis · 21/08/2021 15:20

Ooh yes, if you swap the seats for the one PP then that's £65 you can put towards her new school uniform that she needs the same way the baby needs a car seat! And I'd be making sure she knew that it was being spent on her Smile

bendmeoverbackwards · 21/08/2021 15:20

These posts about cheaper alternative car seats are ridiculous. It's not about the car seat per se, the OP's dd is not going to feel any better if the car seat is swapped for a different one.

OP - I would say your dd's behaviour is down to a combination of teenage angst/hormones/selfishness (which will pass in time) and her feeling pushed out/rejected by the baby. Even if she was excited about the baby when you were pregnant, she couldn't possibly imagine how it will feel when the baby actually arrives. It's a time of huge adjustment for her and it's not surprising she is lashing out over these issues.

On a general note (and apologies if you've addressed this already) - do you manage to spend much 1-to-1 time with her? I presume your dp works full time but are there times when he can look after the baby and you can do something nice with dd? Even maybe a regular weekend coffee shop trip so she has your undivided attention.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2021 15:21

OP I don't get why your partner is getting so much abuse.

I don't get why people are making things up.

I think you're handling this well. It sounds like she does love the baby, a baby being around is a lot tougher than some adults realise let alone children. As they both grow maybe they'll have a fantastic bond.

I'm glad your daughter is happier today

shinynewapple21 · 21/08/2021 15:26

I don't think she's spoilt and I don't think you're a 'shit mum'.

I think she's just being a teenager and stropping because that's what many teenagers do.

Regarding the car seat I would have explained to her that there are things that are 'necessities' and things that are 'nice to have'. When she was a baby you bought her a car seat too , because you wants her to be safe . And now you want that for her sister .

£100 cash plus smaller gifts sounds fine for her birthday . I'm sure she gets other things bought for her from week to week. And as you say she also has money from her dad .

I would offer the option of getting the train back early to see her friends though, so long as she stays overnight with them or with her dad .

I agree it must be hard for her having to share her mum after all these years, but, generally I think the best way to deal with teens is keep talking , listen and negotiate . Don't over compensate but don't be too strict either .

Slothkin · 21/08/2021 15:27

OP I was really trying to be supportive but actually yes, you are being very selfish in prioritising your pride over ensuring your child is treated equally to her sibling.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 21/08/2021 15:34

I remember this stage too OP, and mine didn't even have a new sibling or a pandemic to worry about.

The hardest part I found was that they felt almost like adults, except for when they tantrummed like toddlers, so I expected adult behaviour. Really, they're far from adults as the frontal lobe isn't fully developed and they're full of raging hormones that can make them behave quite madly.

She doesn't sound abnormally bad or spoilt, just expectedly immature and in a teenage tizz. I used to let them get on with it and not rise to the bait, see if you can carve out a bit of solo time with her like watching a film together.

shinynewapple21 · 21/08/2021 15:35

Just read a bit more of your thread and that your DP lives with you and would have happily contributed to your DD's birthday . I think in future you ought to accept his contribution. It's not really fair on your DD or on your DP to refuse this .

Purplespup16 · 21/08/2021 15:36

I have an 18 year old and a 14 year old… I sympathise with you! Everything and I mean everything is currently the result of being crap as a person according to the 14 year old Grin…

It’s most likely a case of a combination of trying to adjust to having a new sibling to trying to navigate through her teen years. I honestly hand on heart think anyone aged between 13 and 19 have had the hardest teen years (in general as there will always be individuals having extremely awful times no matter what their age) then ever.

If she complains about the car seat my reply would be…. You’re right DD it’s not fair we spent £250 on a car seat for your sibling. I’ll happily purchase a car seat for you as well, how about some nappies? Grin Grin I’d then deflect with talking about things she will can enjoy that the sibling won’t be able to for 15 years! I.e she’ll be 30 by the time sibling is old enough to have a choice of staying home on their own, and they’ll have the same (or less) given to them for their birthdays ect.

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 15:37

@Slothkin

OP I was really trying to be supportive but actually yes, you are being very selfish in prioritising your pride over ensuring your child is treated equally to her sibling.

I think you have quite deliberately misunderstood. I am very determined not to have DP under any sort of pressure to financially provide for a child who isn't his. She has me and her dad (and very generous grandparents) for that. My youngest has only me and DP (and incidentally no grandparents at all). She will only get what we have. So how can it ever be "equal"? They have different fathers and different extended families. In fact I think over time my eldest will find herself in a better position in terms of money available to her simply by virtue of having generous handouts from grandparents. My youngest will never have that.

Regardless. I don't see it as a bad thing that I expect my children to be solely my financial responsibility and that of their other parent. I don't expect anything from another adult who didn't help to create them. That's just how my mind works.

OP posts:
Lonelylooloo · 21/08/2021 15:37

Your DD is massively out of line over the car seat issue and I’m actually shocked at the comments suggesting you should have spent less on one to make it ‘equal’ A CAR SEAT SAVES LIVES birthday money buys random s* that won’t remembered by next year!

OP remind your DD that she too had a car seat bought for her as a baby so you are in fact keeping things equal between her and baby.
I’d then tell her you only Intend to spend £40 on baby for Christmas because she’s too young to fully appreciate it…but obviously since it means so much to keep things equal you’ll also only be giving her the same £40

I had a sibling 8 years younger than me and this is how my mum dealt with me as a teen

Grin
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 15:41

OP remind your DD that she too had a car seat bought for her as a baby so you are in fact keeping things equal between her and baby.

Such a good point.

OP posts:
Lonelylooloo · 21/08/2021 15:42

can I have £10 for the cinema?

… the baby doesn’t get to go to the cinema

can I have a lift to my friends?

… I wouldn’t want your baby sister to feel things were unequal and she doesn’t get a lift to her friends today so no.

You would be shocked how fast this stopped me trying to argue things should be equal between my baby brother and me

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 15:43

@Lonelylooloo

I love that!!

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 21/08/2021 15:48

Well said AmyDudley
Op, you sound far from shit mum, and she sounds far from a terrible daughter. Lots of great perspectives on here in between the stringing up. Grin

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/08/2021 15:51

She knew we were planning a baby if that's what you mean. And she was ridiculously excited by this idea and throughout my whole pregnancy- talking to my bump, asking for money to buy the baby things, wanting to help with decorating nursery, making the baby "welcome home" cards... etc etc. I guess the reality perhaps feels somewhat different to her though...

The excitement is real in itself, but it also the flipside of the fear and insecurity. Talking to the bump makes it feel more "safe". Being involved gives her a sense of control over things. She was trying to make a happy place for all three of you (four including DP). But her feeling confident that this "happy place" will really exist is a different thing. It takes time.

I was one of seven - I was always comparing what my siblings had! I get this

I was one of three and yes, we compared too Grin. And rivalry isn't only about "stuff" and "money" although those are easier things to put into words. Feeling who is more loved, who is getting more time and attention and who is being more valued and accepted as a person- children are sensitive to that too. Even if it is very embarrassing for a 15 year old to feel she is a "rival" with a 6 month old. She'd probably rather pretend she doesn't care and go off with her friends and be stroppy instead. You should believe that she does care about those other things too. She is not sure how much of a share she can have.

Shinyflecks · 21/08/2021 15:56

I think as you’re a family dp should have contributed to his step daughter’s bday. I have 4 children. I noticed it was always very important the first bday after a new sibling to make an extra special effort / fuss to make sure the older one feels special/loved etc. You need to be doing things as a family. It sounds a little like there’s you 3 - a little unit - and her. And yes of course teenagers are often selfish - it’s in their biology.

perfectstorm · 21/08/2021 15:57

It's a good present, and you sound a nice family. The problem is, you have two people's income meeting the baby's needs, and one person's meeting the teenager. And however you manage that, the disparity will show - I don't mean, necessarily, in actual money spent - but the level of thought and hesitation, when buying things for each. My mum was a single parent on a really tight income, and the tension was there, even if she didn't voice it, because she had to watch every penny. It wasn't there with my Dad, as he was far better off (helped, I found out as an adult, by his never having paid a penny in child support!), but I always knew which parent cared most. I knew why she would hesitate and consider, so I never minded. But your DD hasn't got that. She doesn't know.

You have to put thought into her provision, in a way that's missing from things you get her sister. And she has no way to know the dynamic: DP happy to contribute, you not feeling that's right, so less money being available from your principles, and not any reduction in the love. But she may well see you getting things for the child with double the money coming in without second guessing, and know that you don't do that with her - and she won't know why. You mention being extra careful right now because of maternity leave - but you don't need to be as careful with the baby, because DP's not on ML, is he. It will show in your attitude, and she may well notice that since the baby came, you're even more careful in spending on her, when you aren't on the baby in the same way. I would have.

Personally, I think you need to do one of two things: talk to DP about fully combining finances so DD doesn't feel like the stepchild, however much you try to hide it; or explain to her that he's happy to pay, but you take pride in providing for her yourself, as you've always done, and that is why you need to be careful financially - she doesn't get less (car seats are safer when you spend a bit more, and easier to manage - she'd have got that one too!) but you do need to plan your spending with her, as there's only one income behind it. You can explain that it was her and you so long, you don't want to change that responsibility as you take pride in it - at always providing for her. You can do that in a way that makes her feel valued, or you can change arrangements so the income to provide for her is doubled, but I do think one or other needs to happen. Because it may not be about money per se, but by how much more relaxed you are about spending on her sister. She has no way to know that there is a bloody good reason for that, and it has nothing to do with favouritism - so change the income stream, or tell her the truth. That would be my advice.

Having said all that... she's also going to be vile sometimes because she's 15, and that's the job description! So really, she's just doing her duty. Grin

ButteringMyArse · 21/08/2021 15:58

@C8H10N4O2

I didn't type it with any expectation that you would. But like it or not, his attitude to her feelings is completely in the wrong, and unlike her (and you) he's an adult who had agency in this situation

Actually his attitude is pretty typical of adults who have no experience of teenagers. Its only a problem if, like most parents and step parents, he doesn't learn from it with experience.

I dunno, I suspect I'm not the only one of the people who's correctly identified it as an issue whose only experience of being a teenager is having been one. You are right though, he can and should learn from experience.
Chewbecca · 21/08/2021 15:59

Neither!

You're not a shit mum and she is not spoilt just being a typical teenager, likely, understandably, worsened a little by the fact she has a new sibling. Give her a bit of extra fuss and attention so she knows she is special.

Youseethethingis · 21/08/2021 16:02

The problem is, you have two people's income meeting the baby's needs, and one person's meeting the teenager. And however you manage that, the disparity will show
The teenager has her mum, her dad and her grandparents contributions.
The baby has her mum and her dad's contributions.
So yes, there is a disparity, but not one which will be solved by the teenager also getting from her step dad too.

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/08/2021 16:04

Did your DP get her anything for her birthday? If not I think you should look at that, you're a blended family so that mean helping her to feel included not that she's out on a limb.

phishy · 21/08/2021 16:09

£100 is a very good amount for a 15 yo’s birthday, don’t second guess yourself.

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