Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP, you seem determined to prove that your DD is being totally unreasonable. That both you and your DP have treated her fairly and equitably ( which you may well have) and that your DD is simply wrong in her perspective, which is that you have not. Your posts come across as determined to protect your DP, baby and to a lesser extent yourself against any resentment your older DD feels.

You contradict yourself by saying the cost of the baby seat was split between your DP and yourself, but your DD's birthday cash was from you alone. You then say, your DD has no clue how you manage your finances, so you and DP spend £250 ( not unreasonable, baby needs a car seat) and you and DP give her £100 for her birthday. How is she supposed to know the car seat was split?

You seem to be lacking in any empathy that you and your DP's new baby has completely changed the dynamics in the house. Yes, your DD will have to get used to this change, but certainly from your posts you give no indication of any assistance being given or even any understanding of why your DD is behaving as she is.

Haven’t read all the posts, but sooo much focus on here is about the rights and wrongs of the £100, whether it is enough, how much she gets at other times / how much is spent on other things…. @ojss21, as a few PP have said, no need to keep justifying the money, this is really is not about money. It’s the principle of the thing and the way your daughter is looking at it.
At 15 I had a massive tantrum when my mum took my sister to see a musical without me. I didn’t even LIKE musicals! If she’d have offered me to come beforehand I probably would have said no!! But I was a touchy irrational teenager and any sniff that my sibling might be getting favourable treatment sent me off into “woe is me” mode.
I bet your daughter would have been perfectly happy with the £100 if you’d spent £99.99 on the car seat. Good old fashioned sibling rivalry. It’s irrational, of course, and you have dine nothing wrong. It would be unreasonable for an adult to behave as your daughter is, but it’s par for the course with teenagers.

@Urghhhhh

Op, you say it was just the 2 of you for a long while. Then DP came along and that was an adjustment I'm sure, but she probably continued to feel safe in her bond with you. But now, by throwing a baby into the mix, she not only sees that her needs now come second, but might also feel that you've created a new "nest" with partner and baby and she's effectively the odd one out now. It used to be just you and her as a family and now she feels on the outside looking in at your new shiny family. Not saying she's justified to think that, just saying that it's plausible for her to interpret the situation this way. Being 15 is awful enough even without being pushed down on your parent's list of priorities. I would cut her major slack for now.

Did you ask her how she felt about the possibility of a sibling? Or did you just proceed with no regard to what that would mean for her?

Did

She knew we were planning a baby if that's what you mean. And she was ridiculously excited by this idea and throughout my whole pregnancy- talking to my bump, asking for money to buy the baby things, wanting to help with decorating nursery, making the baby "welcome home" cards... etc etc. I guess the reality perhaps feels somewhat different to her though...

I bet your daughter would have been perfectly happy with the £100 if you’d spent £99.99 on the car seat. Good old fashioned sibling rivalry.

Do you know what, I think this is the first time I've realised what sibling rivalry is. I've never had it before having just the one child. It makes sense. I was one of seven - I was always comparing what my siblings had! I get this

I didn't type it with any expectation that you would. But like it or not, his attitude to her feelings is completely in the wrong, and unlike her (and you) he's an adult who had agency in this situation

Actually his attitude is pretty typical of adults who have no experience of teenagers. Its only a problem if, like most parents and step parents, he doesn't learn from it with experience.

Hi @ojss21

I haven't read everyone's replies but I have read all your posts...

Firstly all of her behaviour is massively typical for a stroppy hormonal teenager, but add in suddenly not being your sole focus and you have a recipe for trouble I am afraid.

I think this might be a case of pick your battles. Please don't do as others and your dp have suggested and withdraw her birthday money. She is 15 and all she is seeing is you cam afford £250 on a baby and far less on her. Please have a sit down and an honest conversation with her about car seat being a safety thing, long term investment etc and not a gift.

Next I think you owe her a couple of apologies.

1. you shouldn't have changed holiday plans without discussing it with her and checking she didn't have plans made. Imagine if your dp did that to you, how would you feel?
2. albeit unintentionally she likely feels pushed aside and the sudden disparity of spending on each child will have come as a massive smack in the face. Apologise for not having been as present as pre baby and maybe look to book a spa day or a shopping day out to spend her birthday money and take her lunch.

She is stuck in the awful mid teem limbo of being expected to be more grown up but being emotionally still a child. My dsd is there now, dss went through it at the same age. It is a shit stage but everyone eventually blossoms on the other side!!

I am struggling with the idea of your dp not helping with her birthday though. Does he get her separate gifts?

Dp and I have been together for 3 years, he earns over double my salary but he always supports dd financially. We don't live together but if I am short for a school trip, sports activity etc he will happily pay and remind me i should just ask hin for money if needed. How long have you and he been together?

You contradict yourself by saying the cost of the baby seat was split between your DP and yourself, but your DD's birthday cash was from you alone. You then say, your DD has no clue how you manage your finances, so you and DP spend £250 ( not unreasonable, baby needs a car seat) and you and DP give her £100 for her birthday. How is she supposed to know the car seat was split?

Sorry, how is this a contradiction?
The car seat was a joint purchase. The birthday money came solely from my account. DD knows nothing of what money comes from where as it's not necessary or appropriate for her to be privy to this information. How is this a contradiction? I don't understand your point.

Please don't do as others and your dp have suggested and withdraw her birthday money.

Just to be clear - DP did not suggest this.

I am struggling with the idea of your dp not helping with her birthday though. Does he get her separate gifts?

Dp and I have been together for 3 years, he earns over double my salary but he always supports dd financially. We don't live together but if I am short for a school trip, sports activity etc he will happily pay and remind me i should just ask hin for money if needed. How long have you and he been together?*

Exact same. If I was short and asked he would give it in a heartbeat. It comes from my own values - I don't believe it is his place to pay for my daughter, so I don't ask.

6 years together - already answered that one in previous posts

Posters seem to have assumed my DP is refusing to contribute to my DD financially so just to clear that up. My refusal to take his help for my eldest dd is on me entirely. I take this responsibility fully on my shoulders because that's I believe to be right and fair. If she needs new clothes, shoes, school trips, etc.... I pay for all that (with help here and there from her Dad). I expect nothing of my DP in respect of my eldest and I am exceptionally proud and will not take it from him unless desperate (which thankfully has never yet happened). My DD has never gone without.

If I asked DP for help if I was struggling, he would have given me whatever spare cash he had in a heartbeat. The issue is, I don't want it.

@ojss21

😂😂

Honestly I can't win.

I'm apparently inconsiderable if I don't consider her social plans as these are vitally important to a teen. So I've found a way around this with DP's kind offer to bring her home early. And now my family dynamics are "odd" and i'm spoiling her.

Ffs. Good job MN doesn't reflect anything I come across in RL!

People on here love telling other people they are shit parents and that their children are either badly treated or spoiled. Makes them feel better about their own parenting. A title like yours, you were always guaranteed to have both sides all over it. There's been some sensible and supportive posts too.

You have a baby with your DP but he doesn’t live with you

And just to add, I take a completely different view with the baby - she is his responsibility as much as mine and I expect him to contribute (financially and otherwise) to her upbringing. Which he does.

I think it's because you seem intent on defending dp but don't seem to have a clue why your dd is acting like she is and obviously if dp has this attitude and opinion and is a little worm in your ear about how she is behaving then you might lose sympathy and understanding for your daughter and push her further away. It's not like it's never happened before in the history of blended families. Personally, if I was dp then I'd have given you the difference in the birthday money knowing that children should be treated equally especially at such a precarious time and age and she wouldn't have felt left out. But men are thoughtless little fucktards at the best of times.

Oh sorry OP- I see you were quoting another poster and I got confused

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You have a baby with your DP but he doesn’t live with you

🤦🏼‍♀️

Please read my posts. Yes of course we live together

@SmidgenofaPigeon

No worries!

Well you quoted it from other poster really unclearly, calm down.

Sorry

@pommepommefrites

I think it's because you seem intent on defending dp but don't seem to have a clue why your dd is acting like she is and obviously if dp has this attitude and opinion and is a little worm in your ear about how she is behaving then you might lose sympathy and understanding for your daughter and push her further away. It's not like it's never happened before in the history of blended families. Personally, if I was dp then I'd have given you the difference in the birthday money knowing that children should be treated equally especially at such a precarious time and age and she wouldn't have felt left out. But men are thoughtless little fucktards at the best of times.

No he's not a "thoughtless fucktard". Like I say, I never gave him any indication I needed more money as I assumed it would be a reasonable amount for her birthday . If he was a thoughtless fucktard he wouldn't be getting up at 7am to drive her home next week half way across the country - he'd be opting instead to enjoy a lie in at my sisters.

One of my DC friends has just had a new sibling after being an only child for 15 years.
Difference is the new baby is now about one 1 believe and the big sister 16.

Different parents etc and what I will say the arrival of her baby brother has been a huge issue for her.
She is very upset all of the time as all of the time and energy is on the baby. She spends a lot of time with my dd and at our house and dd states it is because the friend feels invisible at home unless she is being asked to watch her brother for 5 minutes. Since little brother has arrived they lock the family dog in the garden a lot of the time by the sounds of it, as they don't want the baby eating the fur and this bothers her too as it was mainly her dog who she had since she was 8.
I as an adult can understand how time consuming a 1 year old can be but 16 year old me would be massively put out.
I really dislike the locking the dog outside though.

She doesn't have a good relationship with her stepdad who makes it quite clear to her the baby is the only thing important to him. While I'm not saying those are your dynamics I would nurture the relationship between your dd and dp as I think it doesn't take much to tip the scale.

It doesn't sound to me like you're shit or that she is spoilt. Just a combination of emotions.

It seems quite natural that I would defend DP as he's the one getting most stick on here (probably in equal measure to myself). It's a natural human behaviour to defend when attacked - especially when you know the comments are wrong and the person in question isn't a bad person.

The whole entire post is about trying to understand my DD's perspective and whether I'm being a shit mum and getting it wrong at the moment. So ask yourself, if I wasn't interested in understanding this better, why on earth did I create this thread?!

@pommepommefrites

Most recent post aimed at you, forgot to tag

With isofix base attached and suitable until age 12! If you can link to this I'll take the other one back and swap!

@ojss21 Great. Here’s one for £185:

www.halfords.com/baby-and-child/car-seats/child-car-seats/cozynsafe-arthur-group-isofix-0plus1%2F2%2F3-child-car-seat-836020.html?dwvar_836020_colour=Blk%2FGry

Isofix compatible, and it’s a 1/2/3 (that’s what 0 to 12 years means. Some companies say 10 years, which may be more realistic, but it’s all comes down to 36kg).

I am in shock reading these comments.

You are not a shit mum and maybe your daughter is acting spoiled but she’s a teenager and they all do but that doesn’t mean you just accept it, you are her mum and she needs to respect you, again though this is totally normal for her age.

It’s crazy to be people almost making OP feel bad for having another child! She obviously had her daughter young and has since met a new partner and had naturally wanted to have another child with him, so what? She just never has another child incase her oldest gets jealous? If that was the case we would all just have 1 child! I do think (and I’m sure you do already because to the disbelief of Mumnet users, you can’t tell everything about a persons life from a post) just make sure that she isn’t feeling left out and make some time for just the two of you and make sure she feels as loved as baby, maybe even over do it a bit for the minute!

I personally would have expected your partner to contribute financially after being together so long and sharing a life/home but if that’s your dynamic then who is anymore to judge! You guys do what works for you and if you are both happy then that’s great and all that matters so the fact that Susan 39 from munsnet wouldn’t be happy with it is irrelevant (I have to laugh at some of these comments) would be totally different if you had an issue with it.

And why is it people expect your DP to contribute financially but have no opinion on your daughters behaviour after being in her life since she was 9? Crazy!

Anyways this behaviour is totally normal, teenagers are hard, just be loving but also be firm and have rules and expectations if not it will only get worse, personally I would have went down hard on the birthday money thing but do it calmly (always) I would have had a consequence for that such as cancelling a day out with friends anyway!