Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

She's probably feeling a little jealous. But she is also 15. My DS had my undivided attention and at that age and older he came out with corkers about how little he had in comparison to his mates. He did not.

@incandescentglow

you keep saying how much money shes been given but maybe she wants you to make the effort with her presents

My DD at fifteen would definitely have preferred cash!

@ojss21

It's hard. I always spend about £300 on birthdays. But that's with everything. Cake and balloons etc. Not saying that's what you should do but I think these days £100 doesn't get you a lot.

If I wasn't on mat leave I'd have been able to stretch to more.

Exactly. You chose to have another child, you chose to go on maternity leave, you chose to spend £250 on your baby. Your dd has had no say in any of this and is the one missing out. You've even ignored her plans to go out with friends because you want to see your sister. Your choice again.

Why did you have another child. From her pov she was enough for 14 years and now she's not.

I have no idea how you make things right. All I do know is that my sister has been jealous of me for 30 years (10 years between us). My mum has spent that time trying to make it up to her and I'm the one who has suffered. Both of us would have been far better off as only children.

@LuaDipa

This is my DP's opinion too, hence why I posted here. He thinks she's being unbelievably selfish with these two issues. I'm not sure if it's my fault, though, so I wanted some outside perspectives.

Tbh I wouldn’t be seeking dp’s opinion when he has made no offer to contribute to ensure that she doesn’t miss out. I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t contribute, that is for the two of you to decide. But he should not get to completely disregard her feelings in this way when she is experiencing a huge change that he clearly has no understanding or empathy towards.

She’s 15. With the best will in the world, your new baby will be exactly the same at that age. But hopefully they won’t have a huge life change to deal with also. Please try and support her through this rather than listening to his very biased and uncaring opinion.

Yes, frankly DPs got a bit of a fucking cheek. The less he has to say about this the better.

Like others, I don't think she's spoilt or you're a shit mum. I think this is an unsurprising response to a difficult situation.

In terms of the issues you mention, I think it's entirely to be expected that she isn't keen on missing out because of a decision you made to have a child, and that's something you could and should reasonably have planned for.

The Dsis situation also could be handled better, but then you're also dealing with shock and worry, and it's hard to parent ideally in those circumstances. I think both of your responses to that one are pretty normal and reasonable.

ojss21

Oh and as your DP isn't as involved as he could be and he seems to have an attitude opinion about your DD maybe this comes through more than you think.

Op: I remember being that age and getting money for both my birthday and Christmas presents. I think my mum started around d 13/14 with the money. I think I moaned about this to. ( I was very spoilt though and if I couldnt get of mum I'd get of Nanna) I actually got sent to my bedroom at Christmas around the age of 10 for saying is that it. Anyway I'm wittering on. It's great having the money but it doesn't feel much especially when your that age, My mum in the end started asking if I wanted the money for my birthday or did I want present if I opted for the money she would remind me that I then would have much to open on the day. As an adult now I hate it when people give me money for 2 reason 1, I like to have loads to open on Xmas day and 2) the money just ends up being spent on food shopping or some sort of bill.

Teenagers are very selfish but going out with her mates and the plans she's mad at that age are a big think to her I'm sure she loves her Aunty very much and is as worried as you about her but nothing else really matters at that age other then being with your mates. You don't sound like shit mum to me by far teenagers especially girls are a nightmare.

@ojss21

No different dads. She has a very close relationship with her dad and sees him a lot.

Thought you had been a single mum to her for most of her life?

My parents had a baby when I was 14. Going from an only child to an older sibling was a big change, and I didn’t have a stepparent, covid disruption or an ill aunt to add to my stress.

I think the birthday money v car seat might be something she’s latched on to as a symbol of feeling like she’s suddenly in last place. You now have less money for her because of the baby, but you also don’t have time for her (shopping) because of the baby and forgot about her plans because of baby brain. I think it’s understandable that she feels pushed aside.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting her to change her plans to see a sick relative. But instead of explaining she needed to change her plans, you just ignored the fact that she already had plans. On this thread you sound quite dismissive about her seeing her friends ‘ten times’ but what do you expect a teenager to do in the summer holidays? Especially a teenager whose mum no longer has time to do things with her?

I don’t think you’re a shit mum. You have a baby and of course caring for a baby has to take priority sometimes. But I think her reaction to her life changing (in her view, probably for the worst) is quite understandable. I don’t think she’s being selfish either.

Op my daughter same age. She is self absorbed at times all centered around her lol. You sound a great parent.

I think it’s really valuable you’ve recognised that losing those little trips out with you will be affecting your daughter - and you have one planned already! I’m willing to bet your daughter hasn’t turned into Patrick Bateman overnight, nor you into the World’s Worst Mother 🤗

I once had a conversation with my sister-in-law about both our parents offering to redecorate our rooms for our 16th birthday and letting us know about 6 months beforehand so we could look at colours, choose to save up for new furniture or whatever - but that actually the best bit was that it meant we had a lovely project together to talk about on those little trips out or just if we wanted a bit of stress-free ‘Mum attention’ over a cuppa. Obviously doesn’t have to be the same thing but having something which is just for you and her - which is planned and prioritised - may go a long way towards making her feel safe.

I’ll also mention that at 15 when my Mum said she thought I was a little old for an Easter egg I had a full-on sobbing meltdown. She was going to suggest I pick a book instead but never got that far!

£100 would have felt loads to me at that age

Well me too, but that was 30 years ago and 100 quid is not very much at all now.

Thought you had been a single mum to her for most of her life?

I meant as in, I had no partner for most of her life. I met my now DP when she was 9. So for most of her life when she's with me, it was always just me and her. She has also maintained a relationship separately with her own dad for her whole life.

I do feel like 100 quid isn't going to make her feel special

Oh come on. The OP has said very clearly that the DD gets large sums spent on her regularly plus the permanently open bank of DGPs but she cannot afford more than 100 quid plus wrapped gifts for the birthday. Don't guilt trip a family just because they don't have your levels of spare cash.

Yes she is dealing with a lot of change, yes we all know that teens go through an egocentric phase. Absolutely agree with the comment of "talk like an adult but love like a toddler". However just like every other sibling on earth she will also have to learn to share - both financially and timewise.

I'd have bought a cheaper but as safe car seat (£250 is excessive) and have spent extra on the eldest for her birthday. I think in comparison to what others get £100 isn't alot. If I was all I could afford (it wasn't because you splurged on a car seat) then I'd have used the money to buy thoughtful gifts instead, £100 cash isn't alot.

Making plans after she already made plans is annoying.. any adult would be annoyed about that.

@PollyPepper I'm sure OP has said her DP has been in her daughters life for six years.

i feel a bit sorry for her. it's not necessarily fair that her birthday present has been altered for the baby and you can't expect her to view that as reasonable when she hasn't had to cope with this before.

@pinkcircustop

It’s neither. She’s trying to adjust to a new baby in the house; she will be feeling pushed out and replaced because baby will be needing all your attention.

Yep, this.

@ojss21

I understand this is a very simplistic viewpoint, you did manage to find £250 for the new child and only £100 for her.

That's because there are two of us financially contributing to the baby, me and DP. DD is my sole financial responsibility, I wouldn't expect DP to contribute.

I don't understand why your partner couldn't contribute towards her birthday present. You're a family unit aren't you? No wonder she feels sidelined.

Why did you have another child. From her pov she was enough for 14 years and now she's not.

I'm sorry but.... what the fuck?!

How dare you?!

So every 2nd, 3rd or 4th child born into a family exists because the preceding children are "not enough"?!

Utter bollocks

@mediciempire

i feel a bit sorry for her. it's not necessarily fair that her birthday present has been altered for the baby and you can't expect her to view that as reasonable when she hasn't had to cope with this before.

Her birthday present hasn't been "altered". Can people not read?

[quote WhenISnappedAndFarted]@PollyPepper I'm sure OP has said her DP has been in her daughters life for six years.[/quote]

Yes this is right

Not being able to spend more than £100 on her birthday doesn't make you a shit mum, but underestimating the impact of a new sibling...
Cut her some slack, her behaviour doesn't sound outrageous for a teenager, they think the world revolves around them!

I love the comment "talk like an adult but love like a toddler" - thank you whoever said this! It's helpful.

OP, I think you are getting such a terrible time here completely unnecessarily!

So much focus on a fucking car seat that is an absolute necessity! I also spent more and got a high safety rated swivel car seat that lasts til early teens. Why an earth is this comparable to a birthday present? One is a necessity and the other is a gift?

If we go there then we should ask how much you spend in formula if not breastfed? If it's a high quality one, why not switch to Lidl? How much was your baby's cot? It could have been second hand you know so you didn't spend so much? Did you add up everything you'd spent on the baby and gift the same amount to your DD? If not, why not? Please note the sarcasm!

She's 15, everything in her life at the moment revolves around her friends, everything she has is probably compared to what they have. It's frustrating and is a little spoilt but I don't know many teenagers girls who aren't a bit at this age! And it's not a result of parents for the most part.

Your plan with DP and taking two cards is very generous of you and I hope she is suitably grateful and wishes your sister well if she's not seeing her

As you've said, she got gifts to open, £100 from you, £150 towards an iPhone from her dad (yes, there is another parent contributing to gifts!) and some further money from grandparents so c£200. She should be very grateful and the only response should be 'thank you mum'

Her birthday present hasn't been altered

So you still spent £300 on her as usual just that £200 was in gifts instead?