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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

637 replies

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 09:37

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

  1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).
  1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:44

Yes, frankly DPs got a bit of a fucking cheek. The less he has to say about this the better.

Well given he's now the reason she will get back on time for her outing with her mates, I don't think I'll be passing this lovely message on to him.

OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 21/08/2021 13:44

Hi OP. Sorry but the behaviour is fairly typical. My DD went from really nice and cuddly to a bundle of aggressive selfish hormones at 15 in seemingly a matter of weeks. Be patient, and it will change. Explain decisions rationally, and resist the very normal temptation to get quite angry by her only getting 100 quid for a birthday present. Flowers

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:45

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Her birthday present hasn't been altered

So you still spent £300 on her as usual just that £200 was in gifts instead?

Where have I said I normally spend £300 on her for her birthday?!

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:46

OP, I think you are getting such a terrible time here completely unnecessarily!

😂 it's AIBU - of course I am.

OP posts:
BradPittsLeftTit · 21/08/2021 13:46

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Her birthday present hasn't been altered

So you still spent £300 on her as usual just that £200 was in gifts instead?

OP has never said this!! You are confusing her with another poster.
PollyPepper · 21/08/2021 13:47

Ffs I've heard it all now. £100 is a bloody lot of money for a 15 year old. Her DP has absolutley no obligation to give anything. I notice you haven't asked if her actual dad gave anything.

By default I'm sure the OP and daughter benefit from him financially, either from being able to have a better, larger living space, days out etc. The daughter DOES sound spoilt and I would not be giving her anything until she can be appreciative.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:48

@BradPittsLeftTit

OP, I think you are getting such a terrible time here completely unnecessarily!

So much focus on a fucking car seat that is an absolute necessity! I also spent more and got a high safety rated swivel car seat that lasts til early teens. Why an earth is this comparable to a birthday present? One is a necessity and the other is a gift?

If we go there then we should ask how much you spend in formula if not breastfed? If it's a high quality one, why not switch to Lidl? How much was your baby's cot? It could have been second hand you know so you didn't spend so much? Did you add up everything you'd spent on the baby and gift the same amount to your DD? If not, why not? Please note the sarcasm!

She's 15, everything in her life at the moment revolves around her friends, everything she has is probably compared to what they have. It's frustrating and is a little spoilt but I don't know many teenagers girls who aren't a bit at this age! And it's not a result of parents for the most part.

Your plan with DP and taking two cards is very generous of you and I hope she is suitably grateful and wishes your sister well if she's not seeing her

As you've said, she got gifts to open, £100 from you, £150 towards an iPhone from her dad (yes, there is another parent contributing to gifts!) and some further money from grandparents so c£200. She should be very grateful and the only response should be 'thank you mum'

Sensible post.

OP posts:
PollyPepper · 21/08/2021 13:48

That was to @Cyberattack

MyFartWillGoOn · 21/08/2021 13:50

I notice you haven't asked if her actual dad gave anything

OP has said in soooo many posts that her DDs dad got contributed £150 to an iPhone along with some other bits and the grandparents also gave cash

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:50

@PollyPepper

Ffs I've heard it all now. £100 is a bloody lot of money for a 15 year old. Her DP has absolutley no obligation to give anything. I notice you haven't asked if her actual dad gave anything.

By default I'm sure the OP and daughter benefit from him financially, either from being able to have a better, larger living space, days out etc. The daughter DOES sound spoilt and I would not be giving her anything until she can be appreciative.

We both absolutely DO benefit from DP's half of the income as it means we have a larger house than I could afford alone. plus his contributions in other ways, eg he does all the cooking and is far better at it than I am!

OP posts:
Bakewellisntjustacake · 21/08/2021 13:52

You knew when her birthday was, it's the same date every year. So why couldnt you have put some money aside every month so you weren't feeling the pinch now?

GCrebel · 21/08/2021 13:53

At 15 her interpretation is that the baby gets the best of everything and she is second best. You know that's not true OP but she doesn't.

And to be honest Isofix bases are brilliant. They are convenient for parents trying to wrestle toddlers into car seats and back saving for parents. BUT they are not any safer than a traditional seat fixing and sales people are not allowed to describe them as so. A cheaper seat would be just as safe.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 13:58

@Bakewellisntjustacake

You knew when her birthday was, it's the same date every year. So why couldnt you have put some money aside every month so you weren't feeling the pinch now?

Well mostly because I assumed £100 was quite a generous present regardless and I didn't expect her to compare it to previous birthdays when I was on my full pay.

OP posts:
mediciempire · 21/08/2021 13:58

You were the one who said it wasn't as much as the last years you've given her cash so it has been altered if you've given her less than you gave the last couple of years. Again, I feel sorry for her. You seem really determined that she is in the wrong even though there have been numerous reasons pointed out as to why she's annoyed. Sensible posts aren't only the ones you agree with.

BadNomad · 21/08/2021 13:58

@Bakewellisntjustacake

You knew when her birthday was, it's the same date every year. So why couldnt you have put some money aside every month so you weren't feeling the pinch now?
She did. She put £100 aside. Which is great for someone on maternity leave.
Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 14:02

You were the one who said it wasn't as much as the last years you've given her cash

Correct. I have less disposable income temporarily whilst I'm on maternity leave, as do most people. But her gift hasn't been "altered" in the sense that I didn't originally promise her something more expensive then change it - she was always getting a lesser amount this year because I have less spare cash this year. Unfortunately the entire family's finances have been altered while I'm on less pay - she's not the only one affected by that.

Incidentally, in June I paid for her to have her hair done to the tune of £90 because she really wanted it done. Dad contributed nothing to that. I really need my hair doing too but I put her first. I guess she has a short memory. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 21/08/2021 14:03

Just on the birthday money, it wouldn't cross my mind to spend more than €100 (I'm in Ireland) on any of my DC for their birthdays. I have 3. Firstly, I don't have it, secondly, they don't need it.

When they are a bit older (eldest is 14) I can imagine I may give more as I'm less likely to be buying clothes etc in the way I do now.

I'm amazed at the amount of posters castigating OP for not spending more - you'd swear she'd presented DD with a mouldy potato.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 14:03

Anyway she's happy today with the plan of two cars and leaving early with DP to meet her friends, so at least we have resolved that part!

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 21/08/2021 14:04

I think she is lucky to get that sort of money for birthdays. and once being an only child, has upset the apple cart for her, when family circumstances have changed regarding money etc. She is probably at the age, where she will judge what her friends have etc, but you can't do anything about this,,, she is just being teenager stroppy I guess. I wouldn't worry about how you go about things, and hopefully your daughter will get a better perceptive about things later,

shiningcuckoo · 21/08/2021 14:07

I have 2 15 year olds OP and they are a basically selfish arseholes a lot of the time. If she doesn't want the money because it's too little, say you'll have it back to give to a worthy cause. And don't even discuss the car seat. It's not her business. She might like a bit more time with just you and her though, although she probably won't show it. I have the skin of a rhino dealing with two of them on my own. I recommend rolling your eyes and going into your room or the garden when she gets completely ridiculous.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 14:08

I'm amazed at the amount of posters castigating OP for not spending more - you'd swear she'd presented DD with a mouldy potato.

😂

On a serious note i suspect I'm being castigated because I dared to have a new baby. I've even had one particularly rude poster ask me why I had another baby!? Unbelievable.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/08/2021 14:09

@Debetswell

Your dd is challenging you because she feels pushed out. 15 is tricky without a baby sibling. It's not about money it's about feeling wanted and loved. Dd had good birthday gifts and underneath she understands about her aunt. Talk to her, acknowledge that her life has changed a lot, give her some of your time whilst bring firm that the baby's needs must be met.
This.

You could have made more effort with her birthday presents, tbh. I agree a car seat is an essential, so not comparable but, if you can find £250 for one, surely you could have managed some stocking fillers?

We had a similar age gap in my family, with me as the eldest. My mother always expected me to be the grown up and not need any mothering, because the younger ones were more needy. It was shit.

thelionqwueen · 21/08/2021 14:10

I can see her (being 15-year old) point with the car seat and also the detour. And I can see your point.

Original poster
ojss21 · 21/08/2021 14:10

We had a similar age gap in my family, with me as the eldest. My mother always expected me to be the grown up and not need any mothering, because the younger ones were more needy. It was shit.

That does sound shit and also not comparable to my situation. I obviously know that she still needs mothering.

OP posts:
bendmeoverbackwards · 21/08/2021 14:11

OP, you are not a shit mum at all. It's a difficult situation to navigate. I have 3 teen dds, the older two were fairly easy but boy am I now paying for it with dd3 (14.5)!

I totally agree that many teenagers are selfish and self-centred. My dd wants money all the time, everything is 'not fair', she complains about me putting screen restrictions on her phone, she complains about anything and everything.