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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by Insta of late parents' home...

227 replies

harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 09:19

Last year my DM died very unexpectedly. She was my DF carer as he has dementia. DF had to go into a care home and the family home was sold. As you can imagine it was a very traumatic time.

Now, it was an absolute doer upper - I am under no illusions about that! Stuck firmly in the 80s as were my DP ;-) Sold on that basis. I didn't realise but the buyer is documenting the reno on Instagram and I was sent the link. I watched some of the videos last night and whilst I have absolutely no issues with any of the (long overdue) changes that they made, I was really upset by some of the voiceover - words used to describe different aspects of the house include "stinking" "minging" "dodgy" "awful" and so on. I had to stop watching.

I know it's their house and their perogative to do what they want with it but... It just feels so disrespectful. AIBU?

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 21/08/2021 12:16

I can't imagine the gob on a stick that is Stacey Solomon being particularly sensitive about previous decor to be honest !!

saraclara · 21/08/2021 12:17

I doubt that the people who bought it expected you to see it. It's perfectly normal for people to speak this way of a house they're completely renovating, when they have no personal connection to it.

How did aunt get the link?

If it was deliberately shared in a way that the new owners WOULD have expected you to see it, then I would ask a friend to message them and explain that their commentary is hurtful.
If not, and aunt came upon it accidentally, then I'd just stop watching. It's not their fault that you saw it.

PullTheWeeds · 21/08/2021 12:27

I follow a lot of renovation home accounts and I really really hate it when people are so disrespectful of the previous owners on such a public forum. I always feel a stab of sympathy for the previous owners and their families being made fun of. That would hurt so much, your home and your life being pulled apart and laughed it, derided for show.

Its so rude and so unnecessary, and one day their precious, innovative(!) ideas and styles will also become dated. But so what, homes are for living in. My house was very dated when we moved in but it had brought up a family for 65 years and I felt that was more important than the decor.

DottyHarmer · 21/08/2021 12:33

I completely understand as my old family home has been “improved” by newcomers, but…… they did pay for it. I was a bit shocked when I encountered previous owners of our house and they said, “Why have you done this/that?” And “We spent years doing that rockery…”.

I am not on social media so they had clearly been peering in Shock

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/08/2021 12:33

I feel for you, OP and I'm sorry about your Mum, it sounds like a horrendous and stressful time for all of you and, with her anniversary coming up it makes it even more poignant and sad.

I don't know who (so very helpfullyHmm) sent you the link to the renovations of your Mum's house or what their motives were but I agree with all the posters to block and delete this feed.

Yes, the new owners have every right to make whatever change they want to to their house but, they'd have to be quite thick not to realise that putting their inane, vacuous and frankly, insulting commentary in the public domain is just breathtakingly rude. Some people are clearly like that. They think, therefore they blurt.

For you Thanks

Debetswell · 21/08/2021 12:38

@harriethoyle sounds like your home was happy and comfortable for your parents.
The new owners will be lucky indeed if they have such happiness.
Their dismissive and dispassionate words show an appalling lack of empathy and tact.
They can buy all the smart furnishings they want but they can't buy love, caring and sensitivity.

goldfinchfan · 21/08/2021 12:43

This might not be the best idea but I would send the new owners a message, asking them to consider their language when describing what was once a much-loved family home. You could add that you wish them all happiness in the home and that you are excited to see how they make it their own (if you are, of course) but it would do them no harm to be reminded of some basic decency.

THIS ^

it might be them some day in the bad place...KARMA can be a bitch.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 21/08/2021 12:44

One day, in about 40 years’ time, the new owners of the house will be ripping out the white suites, kitchen islands and bifold doors with as much derision as the current owners are now. It will be live streamed in 3D, or straight to people’s eyeballs, and the current owners or their relatives will feel as you do.

I’m sorry, it’s shit. My mum died suddenly a few years ago, and selling her house was tough. I deliberately didn’t want to find anything out about the new owners as I couldn’t have coped with it. I was also a bit worried that the nicotine stains might start to seep through the newly painted kitchen ceiling 😕

HangingChads · 21/08/2021 12:50

IDK if this will make you feel better but I always feel a bit sad seeing those house renovation accounts when they are mean about the old decor. It's like in the moment of trying to show how amazing the new renovations will be, they completely forget that someone else lived their life in those walls and put time and love into keeping the place nice. It feels like it's like not respecting the history of the place.

LagneyandCasey · 21/08/2021 12:50

@screechyowl

No YANBU. I can't watch Homes Under the Hammer for the same reason. I find it intrusive and offensive. People get old, they can't maintain their homes properly, and they get staid and old-fashioned, but it is still someone's home.
The presenters are usually very respectful to homes where obvious an elderly person has recently lived. Especially Martin. There was one home which had a tatty lone armchair in a corner and he paused quietly by it and said something like 'Obviously this was once a much loved home'. Some of the new owners can be arseholes though, when they go on about 'ripping it all out' it makes me sad hoping that the former owners or relatives don't take it too much to heart Sad

Don't even get me started on the rude people on Escape to the Country who are rude about homes that people are still living in Angry

PamDenick · 21/08/2021 12:53

I would say...

I’m glad you are enjoying doing up this project.
That was a family home and I am so incredibly proud of how my parents lived there - with dignity, discretion and love. I’m particularly proud of how mu mother nursed my father through his dementia. His care and dignity was more important than the pattern of the curtains or the colour of the bath.
Enjoy. I hope you too will live here with dignity and love.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 21/08/2021 12:56

Yanbu.
They sound mean minded and not very subtle about it.

We did up our last home from a very poor state and there were some interesting discoveries. But honestly the person we bought from was moving on after their parents death having lived a busy life there as a sandwich generation, single parent. I totally understood why decoration hadn't been doable for a number of years.

I can't imagine mocking them online. Bad show.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 21/08/2021 13:02

LagneyandCasey I agree about Martin on homes under the hammer.

TillyTopper · 21/08/2021 13:07

I can see how that's really upsetting, sorry you have gone through that. But I think you have to block and move on! Concentrate on the happy memories and good time!

Whoopy · 21/08/2021 13:09

@harriethoyle

Not cheeky at all, but I didn't *@Whoopy* - whilst I am not an only child, my siblings did not assist at all with DM's illness and death, DF's move or the house clearance (and that's a WHOLE other thread! Wink ) and honestly? I just hit a wall in the end. I couldn't do any more. Just got professional clearance in once I'd dealt with the sentimental stuff, and haven't been back since about 3 weeks after Mum died. It just got too much really.
I can understand it getting too much @harriethoyle. Things do get you down, especially when your siblings don’t do anything to help! My siblings all lived within 10 miles of dm, though I lived closest to her. Not one of them helped with dm’s illness and death either. They all wanted in on the house clearance though, as she had some really nice things!

My brother (executor) actually messaged my sister and I about cleaning the house. On the day we organised to clean it, my sister messaged me in the early morning to say she was unwell, so I did it all myself (took all day, on my birthday)! It was actually quite cathartic as I thought about it along the lines of being the last thing I done for her. It was also really nice that my sister recovered enough to go golfing that afternoon as I saw on Facebook later that night!

The only good thing over it all, is that I don’t have to bother with my siblings now!

lottiegarbanzo · 21/08/2021 13:15

I completely understand your feelings. But, for the very reasons that you have those feelings, I think you were mad to look.

What you did, choosing to look at their account, is rather like reading someone else's diary. No good ever comes of that. I know their insta is public but, just because you can look doesn't mean you should.

Just focus on your own fond memories and leave them to it.

Gh0stontoast · 21/08/2021 13:15

Some older people just don’t have the money if they’ve been scraping by on a pension for years, they’re happy with the decor as it is, are wary of strangers and being ripped off by cowboys.

LIVE LOVE LIFE will be as naff as hostess trolleys in a few years!

Original poster
harriethoyle · 21/08/2021 13:16

That sounds VERY familiar @Whoopy!

OP posts:
MinesAMassiveSalad · 21/08/2021 13:18

Likewise just because people can post doesn't mean they should.
It's not a private diary.

stayathomer · 21/08/2021 13:19

I always think this when watching reno shows and listen to people go on about how small, cold etc, but in a mean a 'can you imagine?' way? I think 'those walls are somebody's life, and you're trashing them'. Saw it in Room to Improve once, they were slagging off a house as they walked through with the granny, who had built the house with her husband who had died. I was livid, dh had to talk me down (help me bitch about the people Grin)

toocold54 · 21/08/2021 13:22

YANBU but they have to exaggerate to get more likes/followers.

It wouldn’t make for a very good transformation if they were saying how great everything was. The before and after needs to be really dramatic.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/08/2021 13:22

Erm, indeed, exactly as I said, it's not private but can does not equal should.

Sometimes it really is better not to look because, as OP has found, you can't easily unsee or hear something, once seen or heard.

They are not family members, they haven't taken it on as some sort of renovation project in honour of the previous owners. Their followers will form their own opinions of their commentary, as well as their renovation style.

MyrrAgain · 21/08/2021 13:26

They are probably hamming it up a bit for the video and views. To make it more extreme and make the end transformation seem even better. Going from "dated" to spectacular doesn't sound as good as "minging" etc.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 21/08/2021 13:27

It's common courtesy tbh.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 21/08/2021 13:27

All this ooh you shouldn't look.

They are rude bastards.