AIBU to be upset by Insta of late parents' home...

[harriethoyle]

Last year my DM died very unexpectedly. She was my DF carer as he has dementia. DF had to go into a care home and the family home was sold. As you can imagine it was a very traumatic time.

Now, it was an absolute doer upper - I am under no illusions about that! Stuck firmly in the 80s as were my DP ;-) Sold on that basis. I didn't realise but the buyer is documenting the reno on Instagram and I was sent the link. I watched some of the videos last night and whilst I have absolutely no issues with any of the (long overdue) changes that they made, I was really upset by some of the voiceover - words used to describe different aspects of the house include "stinking" "minging" "dodgy" "awful" and so on. I had to stop watching.

I know it's their house and their perogative to do what they want with it but... It just feels so disrespectful. AIBU?

People are insensitive when they have no emotional attachment

And when it’s all about the Insta likes. The ruder and more dramatic the better, it seems.

YANBU OP, I have recently unfollowed someone on Instagram for doing this, slagging off the previous owners and endless complaints about every tradesperson she has in, just vile and unnecessary.

You're not wrong to be upset but to them it's just a building, an inanimate object, they didn't know your parents so it's not personal attacks on them or anything. They're just improving a building to be more conventionally appealing, or to their taste.

You do kind of make a good point that people could be more tactful if they did know that someone passed away etc and that's why the house was sold.

YANBU OP

I will no doubt be victim to something similar and my heart will break.

My folks’ house is ‘well loved’. (I live there as I help care for them)

I would be happy to drag it kicking and screaming into the modern world but they aren’t having it.

Mam has dementia and the familiarity of everything makes her happy and comfortable in her surroundings.

I’d be so upset to hear it described as horrible, stinking or minging.

It is a home where we’ve grown, loved, lost beloved members of family, cherished our pets and mourned them and welcomed new babies in the great circle of our lives.

Tired it may be. But it has love and a story in every nook.

Me? I’d leave a beautifully worded post reminding them that homes are not always Insta-ready due to circumstance . If they were too dense to grasp that, I would hope that some of the followers would call them out on it in much plainer language.

Treasure your memories. They matter more than someone else’s vanity project.

It won't surprise any of you to learn that my parents had not one but two coloured bathroom suites light blue and purple!

I genuinely don't mind the renovations at all (not that I'd have a right to) - it's actually lovely to see the place, for the main, being improved. But the derogatory comments about my parents taste, the house choices and, as a PP said, even things like stains on the carpet just felt so hurtful. I'm so mortified on mum's behalf at the thought of any of her friends and neighbours of 40 years standing seeing and hearing that...

It's definitely all tied up with the impending anniversary, no doubt about it. So I'm practising self-care, have got a chilli on for nachos lunch and really decent bottle of red for later!

@SheldonesqueTheBstard that's brought a tear to my eye (not a rare event this week) - you've absolutely hit the nail on the head. Thank you.

I'm so sorry you saw that, OP. It must have been very upsetting. I would feel exactly the same as you.
Don't look at the clips any more. Keep your memories of a happy home.

Self care is important flower.

Nachos, wine, a good (or so shite it is good) film and a wee moment looking back on happier times sounds good to me.

I’m sorry about your mam and I understand the worry about your dad.

To memories that lighten your heart OP 🍷 x

@SheldonesqueTheBstard I've got nuclear. I'm binge watching 90 day fiancee!!

Perfect. 🍷

The thing that makes me laugh about all these house renovation blogs is that they always go for decor that is so, so on trend now and that a lot of designers are already starting to move away from.

The Abigail Ahern look in a three bed terrace in Margate/Bury/Hillsborough is going to date the decor to within an 18 month period. And no doubt when the current occupants upsize to something on the Downs/in the Cotswolds/in bloody Devon the next DINKYs fleeing the inner city will rip it to shreds on whatever platform is fashionable at that moment.

And once they do a renovation and get a few likes suddenly they start to upcycle everything and “document” every “project”. No one gives a toss that you’re giving the door a lick of paint Susan, you’re not Sophie Robinson.

Can you tell I can’t stand performative decorating.

Not the same, but I remember feeling odd when I saw the house my grandparents lived in when it was put on the market. It was completely different and I wished they had got to experience the house in that way.

Oh that’s so hard . There’s so many of these accounts on Insta and it’s easy to forget the story of the ‘before’. Some of the transformations are amazing but there are reasons houses fall into disrepair, or still have unfashionable layouts and features and there is no need to be deliberately cruel. I often see it on programmes like Ambulance when Paramedics go into homes like this and the residents are struggling. As other posters have said, if they are young it may not have even occurred to them.

I would be tempted to send them a DM saying it was your family home. Not attacking them but just saying your mother was a carer for your father when he had dementia, then had to go into a care home. You realise the house needed updated but calling the house minging and awful is upsetting.

Ugh, I'm so sorry - I often get a twinge when seeing these kind of posts, as it just seems unkind to be so rude about your predecessors in a house which was their home. Ours was in a very bad way when we moved in (not just decoratively - really, really filthy), but our predecessors were kind and thoughtful people who moved locally and we're still within the community, and we've always been careful how we spoke about any changes to the house. One of the things I like about older houses is their history - that they've been a home to families before ours.

I would DM them and remind them that not only can you see their comments, but so can neighbours who knew your parents, whose community they've joined (if it's that kind of area), and ask them to remember this when making comments on the house's previous condition.

I judged someone when they moved into a friend's house and made a comment about dirt on the top of a kitchen cupboard. I mean, come on. I was in that house regularly and saw it being cleaned every week by a professional. My children spent a lot of time in it. I know it was well maintained. A bit of dirt on a hard-to-reach spot left by a mother with two young children--it's not exactly a health hazard.

Can I ask if you deep cleaned it before you sold it? Maybe doesn’t happen now so much but this used to be a common thing.

When my dm died, her house definitely did need modernising, so was always going to be renovated. My mother had been so house proud until things got too much for her (I helped her whenever I could) and would have been horrified if the house hadn’t been spotless when we sold it. I scrubbed it clean from top to bottom when it was put on the market and went over everything again before the new owners went into it. I also made sure that it was aired so there were no musty smells.

I would definitely have called them out on it, if I had heard the new owners making derogatory comments on its cleanliness, because it would have been lies! Yes it was old fashioned and needed a lot doing to it, but it was clean.

Sorry, just thinking I might be a bit cheeky in my above message. I should have proof read it, as I didn’t mean to offend you. Apologies again. 💐

@Whoopy a deep clean and airing is probably a counsel of perfection when dealing with a recently bereaved parent with health problems of their own leaving their long time family home. Lovely that you had time to deep clean a house you were vacating but even the best of circumstances moving days rarely allow so much time.

I would be tempted to comment on instagram and shame them - might make others think twice about the commentary they use. Not saying people who do this are wrong, but if you’re going to do it, at least consider that someone connected with the house will see it and try not to be deliberately hurtful in your description. Say you’re really pleased to see that the house is having some long overdue TLC but that you find their commentary distressing in light of the fact that they had seen the house and knew what they were buying, and also knew that the owners were elderly and in considerable distress health wise.

Social media these days seems to be a place for people to vent their spleen with no regard to the social mores of face to face interaction. Keyboard warriors, who put things into print that they would never say to someone’s face. I suppose this is more acceptable if you’re anonymous, but to say things like this openly on something like Instagram with no regard for who could be watching is just another indication of how cruel we’re becoming.

I totally get why you would be upset by this I would too. Why the need to be so disparaging about peoples taste and decor, it's like the posts that are sometimes on here laughing at homes for sale and the decor.

Not cheeky at all, but I didn't @Whoopy - whilst I am not an only child, my siblings did not assist at all with DM's illness and death, DF's move or the house clearance (and that's a WHOLE other thread! ) and honestly? I just hit a wall in the end. I couldn't do any more. Just got professional clearance in once I'd dealt with the sentimental stuff, and haven't been back since about 3 weeks after Mum died. It just got too much really.

I agree. Some of the house sneering here is awful. Especially when it was obviously an elderly person’s home.

Dear lord, I can’t even drive past my parents old house, never mind watch other people take it apart.

I accept that hall carpet wouldn’t be to ANYONES taste now but I remember how proud my mum was when they bought it, how much thought went into it, how we collectively marvelled at it.

My sympathies as my mum is selling my grandma’s and its full of memories. I love colourful bathroom suites and even better if it’s a corner bath!

I can’t even look at an estate agent picture of probate houses for sale. There’s something incredibly sad about seeing e.g. a commode next to a single bed in an old fashioned decorated bedroom. It breaks my heart and it’s not dignified for the person who lived in there and probably cherished their home.

I can only hope that on insta in 50yrs time (dread to think) that there will be a full display of the tearing down of grey walls, grey carpets and blue kitchens with associated comment about how basic we were in 2021 🤣