. . . to think parents are being naive about our "inheritance"?

[OhFFSNotAnotherVirus]

Just pondering . . . for some reason it's niggling at me, maybe because I find their lack of understanding frustrating!

I also want to point out that I in no way "expect" anything from my parents - I've been financially independent since I was 18 and I'm proud of what I've achieved by myself.

Parent are 65, I have one brother and one sister. Parents gave my brother their life savings (close to £100k) so he could buy a nicer house than he could afford by himself. Parents told me and my sister that they would change their wills to leave their house (a small townhouse worth about £200k) to the two of us, to make it fair.

I don't think it is fair, though. Chances are the house will be sold in the future to pay for their care. They seem blissfully unaware that this is a possibility - or a likelihood - and seem almost smug about having done the right thing by all three of their children. I've brought up the possibility that the house might need to be sold to pay for care, but they dismissed this, saying absolutely not, they wouldn't be going into a home, they'd rather go to Dignitas first . . .

I'm saying nothing further, there's no point and I know there's no entitlement here. But AIBU to be a bit . . . ?

Oh and this all happened a couple of years ago and they haven't changed their wills anyway

YANBU. Whether it is £100 or £100k, I would expect the same amount as my siblings! It needs to be divided equally. The £100k in savings should be divided equally 3 ways. The house sale should also be divided equally in 3 ways. I would raise this to my parents without siblings present.

@GrandmaSteglitszch

Dignitas didn't accept people who are just old & inform. They have to be terminally ill. Also in sound mind.

This isn’t true. A 23 year old who was paralysed following a rugby injury went there in 2008. Also conductor Sir Edward Downes and his wife ended their life together at Dignitas in 2009. Lady Downes was 74 and terminally ill, her 85 year old husband was not but was dependent on her following a hip replacement and increasing blindness and deafness. So you don’t have to be terminally ill to go to Dignitas.

@sashagabadon

I have a slightly different point to make and in support of the parents. I think they need a bit of the benefit of the doubt. They’re trying to do what they think is best. It’s hard when you have 3 different kids at different levels in adulthood. You want to be fair to them all but It’s not obvious how to do this completely fairly with limited assets and without them falling out. Gotta agree with other re. The £1 token rent, at the very least it should be market rent and actually paid not just a wink wink situation and then the person receiving the rent has to declare it as income and pay tax etc on it. They also have to show yearly accounts and pay for maintenance etc like a landlord would.

The son chose it. He wasn’t sick, disabled or escaping an abusive relationship. He chose to travel for decades when the majority of people do it for a couple of years then settle down.

Parents could have given him a small amount (say 20K) that would have gotten him a small starter flat. They didn’t need to fund an entire house / flat on a lower mortgage.

They are unfair in rewarding him for his life choices and punishing his hardworking sisters.

If it were me I’d take great pleasure in sticking the boot in when the time came - but then again my grandparents culturally prefer boys and made it obvious since the day I was born so… completely no bias there :)

First off, no one has a right to expect an inheritance.
But most parents no doubt do want their children to inherit their estate and it beggars belief in situations like the OPs where it's done in such an unfair way. People make different life choices... the OPs brother clearly prioritised travelling over settling down and getting onto the housing ladder - which is fine, his choice, and no doubt he had a great time. To consider him more deserving of inheritance because of this is really quite spiteful and unfair to the other siblings who made different life choices. It's also pretty much guaranteed to destroy family relationships going forward

@ancientgran Depends on family circumstances. My DD will inherit more than her brothers for a variety of reasons that aren't relevant here. So the men won't get it all in this family.

Unless you have a bad relationship with your sons, why would you favour your Dd and leave all your assets and savings to her?

I'm assuming the house will appreciate in value though (although so will the 100k the brother already has)

@millenialblush

Also you will lose a decent chunk of that to the taxman. House inheritance isn't that simple. And I also agree with the above poster that inheritance shouldn't be unequal

If the estate is 200k, none of it will be paid in tax. It'll fall within the him rate band.

@sashagabadon I have a slightly different point to make and in support of the parents. I think they need a bit of the benefit of the doubt. They’re trying to do what they think is best. It’s hard when you have 3 different kids at different levels in adulthood. You want to be fair to them all but It’s not obvious how to do this completely fairly with limited assets and without them falling out.

But OP’s db has had his cake AND is eating it. He chose to prioritise travelling the world instead of buying a house. Why is he more deserving than his sisters who chose to prioritise having a home?

And the inheritance tax threshold including property is iirc over 900k (the 2nd of my parents died a couple of years ago and I'm pretty sure that's what they said)

Very unfair.
Your brother is a piece of work taking your parents savings and your parents are beyond stupid to have done it.

The fact they have not transferred ownership of the house tells you that it is unlikely a real intention.

This type of unequal treatment makes me boil.
In effect it penalises those that have worked hard to provide for themselves.

I certainly wouldn't be quiet about it.

It is THEIR money, but what they have done is unfair and they should know that is what you think.

They are entitled to do it.
You are entitled to your opinion of it.

That money will likely be worth double that in 10 years.

@NeverTalkToStrangers

People don’t go to Dignitas with dementia - it just doesn’t happen for all sorts of reasons. People on here often say it’s their answer to the need for elder care and I always read it as “la la la I’m not listening”.

However only a minority of people will be in care homes for long enough to eat through the value of even a modest house. The odds are against the longer lived of your parents being in that position, although it’s still a real possibility.

More to the point they should make a sodding will (with a note included for the record saying “this doesn’t mean we have disinherited because we don’t love DB - it’s just that we gave him his money early”).

An aunt had dementia and my DM (her sister) often used to say that if she ever got like that, she’d take an overdose. And she meant it.

Of course, when she did eventually develop dementia, she refused to believe that there was anything wrong with her. And it wasn’t denial as such - she simply couldn’t remember, at any given moment, that she couldn’t remember anything - if that makes sense.

The GP had told her quite early on that she’d got Alzheimer’s, and she appeared to accept it, but she’d completely forgotten by the time she got home maybe 15 minutes later.

I may be a lone voice, but I see it as my parents' money being absolutely nothing to do with me as it's theirs to do with exactly as they please. If I was lucky enough to inherit half a house, I would see it as an amazing bonus and be delighted. If I inherited nothing, then I inherit nothing. It was never my money in the first place.

@MargosKaftan

Yes, theres a chance it will go on care.

Theres also a chance that by the time they die, they haven't needed to spend anything on care (or can cope with someone coming in), and the house is worth a hell of a lot more than £200k.

Which currently all three siblings will benefit from because the parents haven’t even changed their will!

On here there’s always an expectation that people should just meekly put up with their parents behaving so appallingly with regards to their assets. It’s not materialistic or rude (as we’re often pushed to think) to question such outrageous favouritism to one child. I would calmly talk to your parents about the situation, how staggeringly unfair it is and question if they’re content with that. If nothing changed I’d distance myself from them and reevaluate the relationship -not to be money grabbing but because I wouldn’t tolerate my parents showing such favouritism to another sibling. They do that and they reap the consequences.

I'm not sure how many years back LAs go for deprivation of assets-it can be quite a few I think.

As for signing a house away & paying literally no rent-that only "works" I think if the people you are renting from have bought the house from you.

I know that things can't always be equal-one of mine has always struggled academically so could in the future have less earning potential for example so ideally they could be given more as a house deposit.

I suppose it depends where you live, but 100k is (to me) one hell of a deposit, especially compared to nothing!

Plus now is when it might be most beneficial for everyone.

They are unfair in rewarding him for his life choices and punishing his hardworking sisters

Ah, but he's the MAN you see, and some seem to feel the MAN should get priority

It's an attitude which can all too easily create that expectation that the daughters will do the care - after all they're just wimmin with not much else to do with their little lives - which is why I mentioned that OP also has choices if it comes to that

I have heard it said that if you think you have dementia then you don't! But spoke to someone recently about a partner who died of it - he had started making excuses not to drive, to let her do it, and forgot to put his watch on, when in fact he couldn't read the time off it - so at some point he knew his faculties were reducing - but perhaps it's just put down to ageing brain, not dementia.

In practical terms, because there is a “pattern of gifting” here, in that there is evidence of your parents giving a significant sum to your brother, the way to protect your “asset” so to speak might be for your parents to sell their home and give you and your sister the 100k and move into rented accommodation (assuming they won’t make enough from the property to buy somewhere else). A pattern of giving is a consideration when it comes to deprivation of capital/assets www.lgo.org.uk/assets/attach/4424/REPORT-17013122-South-Gloucestershire.pdf

But I wouldn’t take that route without some legal advice from someone who deals in such cases.

My parents have done this exact same thing. It's a bitter pill to swallow when we pay our mortgage out every month while sibling is mortgage free. I get it's their money but it's their belief that it's equal that annoys me because it won't be, it isn't. Not only did my sibling get the payment, they also didn't have 25 years of interest to pay on a mortgage so it feels like we have been penalised twice.

I know that things can't always be equal-one of mine has always struggled academically so could in the future have less earning potential for example so ideally they could be given more as a house deposit.

Please don’t give that child more money than their siblings for this reason, it would be an awful thing to do. People earn more or less than one another for myriad reasons, it doesn’t entitle them to be handed more on a plate than their siblings (SEN etc. aside of course).

@Chunkymenrock

I can see your point in general but would you feel differently if a sibling received a significant inheritance and you didn't?

@Bobbybobbins

I find the avoidance of paying for fare very depressing. I want my parents (if they need it) to have the best possible care in their final years. The council funded care should be reserved for those who genuinely can't pay for it themselves.

I agree My mums house is hers until she dies, if that means selling it to pay for care then that’s as it should be.

What is done is done.

You can't get that money back from your brother. You can't force your parents to update their wills.

It's unfair - but such is life.

@Tablow

My parents have done this exact same thing. It's a bitter pill to swallow when we pay our mortgage out every month while sibling is mortgage free. I get it's their money but it's their belief that it's equal that annoys me because it won't be, it isn't. Not only did my sibling get the payment, they also didn't have 25 years of interest to pay on a mortgage so it feels like we have been penalised twice.

This is the kind of situation where I’m just left thinking...’and you still speak to them’? I just can’t fathom continuing to make space in my life for anyone regardless of blood relationship, who has made such a clear statement of my relative worth to them

@Ginfilledcats

My in laws have put their house in my husband and his sisters name (they're early 60s) and pay a token rent if £1 a month. This bypasses the house being used to pay for their care as long as it's in their sons name for 7 years before any costs are needed.

My parents are going to do the same I think.

This doesn't work. The Local Authority will deem it deliberate deprivation, and treat your ILs as still owning the property.

It does affect your relationship with your brother I would think - have they considered that.